Chapter 20: Little Love Child
Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old
* Four POV *
Nanny Monica greets me with a smile. The baby, she tells me, is asleep, so we sit down in the living room for a few minutes while Monica fills me in on how the baby did tonight. It sounds like everything was fine; I try to file away the reports on how much the baby ate and what time she fell asleep in my mind so that I can pass the information along to Tris later.
I'm a little nervous about watching Natty. I have never even held a baby before, and now I will be responsible for one, if only for a few hours. And not just any baby-- Tris's baby. I don't want to mess up.
"Hey, Monica, I've noticed that the baby throws up... often," I say, remembering all the times I have seen Tris with a towel over her shoulder. She never reacts much to it, but I would be worried if I had a kid and she was puking all the time. "Is that normal? Is there anything I need to do if it happens? Medicine or something?"
Monica seems amused at my concern, and my cheeks warm. "People usually call that spitting up, and it's normal, Four. Don't worry. You don't need to do anything special, Natty is fine. It happens because of air being swallowed along with her milk, or can happen if she overeats. So just don't push her to eat more than she wants," Monica explains. Muscles I didn't know I was tensing now relax at hearing that Tris's baby isn't sick. I didn't even realize I had been worried about that.
"I have to say, I was surprised to see you here for Natty tonight, Four," Monica says good naturedly with a gentle smile. "You didn't seem excited to have Tris and the baby living with you-- I recall that she wasn't your responsibility. Everything must be working out better than you expected it to with your new roommates, I take it?"
I rub the back of my neck nervously, resting my other forearm on my knee. The truth is, I haven't been home much at all. I can't exactly say that things are working out or aren't... I haven't allowed myself and Tris the chance to find out. Tonight when she fell from that ferris wheel... my worst fear was flashing before my eyes. The thought of losing Tris forever was unbearable, and I didn't hesitate to take the chance that I would fall to my death with her. Saving myself but letting her die... that was never an option.
Even while I was with Lauren all this week, I missed Tris. I have always missed Tris, every day since I left her two years ago. But even when I am with her... our pasts are a wall between us, and she is still far away from me.
"I think we need more time to figure that out," I say vaguely. "I don't know. I do care for Tris. But I did something... I made a choice out of anger and jealousy. I can't take it back, I can't turn back time. I did something I regret and now I have to live with it."
Monica smiles at me, but her eyes don't crinkle in the corners like they did when we were talking about Natty. "You and Tris are both young, Four. You will live and learn. Don't hold on to regrets. Just move forward and learn from them, and don't give up on one another."
The baby cries, and I am relieved that our conversation is cut short; we didn't end on a very comfortable topic for me. Natty squeals and smiles when she sees me, and I can't help smiling back at her. Monica loads me up with baby, bag and a few instructions before we tell her goodnight and walk back to my apartment, Natty cooing at me the whole way there.
+++o+++
I had been unsure about watching the baby, having no experience with anything of the sort. But everything Tris had said about Natty's easy temperament has proved true; she's a happy, friendly baby, and interacting with her has been surprisingly easy. We have spent the past half-hour sitting together on my bed. Her eyes light up as she bats at the toys I shake in front of her, and her giggles are so infectious that sometimes I laugh, too, when I tickle her soft, chubby tummy.
Eventually, though, she begins to gnaw on my fingers and fuss, and I search my brain-- what do babies need?
I pat her diapered bottom, but as far as I can tell, the fresh diaper Monica dressed her in before we left is still clean. I don't think she could be tired yet, and we have been playing, so boredom isn't likely to be the issue. I look in her bag and see the can of formula. She must be hungry.
I put Natty on a blanket on the floor while I search for a clean bottle in the kitchen and follow the instructions on the side of the nearly empty formula can. I frown realizing that I don't see an unopened can anywhere in the cupboard. Is this all Tris has for her? It reminds me of the other day when I was home for a shower and to grab fresh clothes in the early evening. Tris had found a bottle she left out and had to dump it down the sink. She had seemed distressed about wasting it. I wonder where the formula is provided from. Does Tris have to buy it herself? As an initiate, she doesn't have any sort of income. They do each receive a stipend, but that is for clothing and necessities. Parents sometimes transfer points, but Marcus would never allow Natalie to do that. I wonder if Tris received an additional allotment for the baby's needs? I feel uneasy thinking about it.
I remember my own initiation, how consuming the need was to succeed and appear "Dauntless" enough, and I cannot imagine having to worry about keeping a child fed and clothed in addition to that. Especially with the added pressure Tris must feel: if she doesn't succeed in initiation, it's not just herself being cast out to the factionless. Natty would be, too. The mandatory cuts that I heard Eric and Max were discussing never went into place, but there is still a minimum skill standard to complete initiation, and a low rank would mean a crappy job at the fence. If she ranks high, like I did, she can choose whatever job she wants.
When I return to the blanket I left Natty on, my heart leaps to my throat. I don't see her anywhere. My chest constricts in panic as I drop to my knees and crawl on all fours looking for her, but when I press my cheek to the floor and see her grinning at me from under the bed, as though she just played a trick on me, I smile back before pulling her gently toward me.
"You little stinker!" I chuckle teasingly. "You're already Dauntless, aren't you? I think you just played your first prank, didn't you?!" I know Natty probably doesn't understand much, if any, of what I am saying, but she giggles at my playful tone. "Come on, then. I've got your dinner, you little love child." I shake my head, wondering how my connotation for the words "love child" could have changed so drastically over the past few weeks. And then I realize, it's Natty who changed it for me. At first, I was so angry at her presence. But even as I continued thinking of her as "Tris's love child," I started to enjoy being with this little person, and it changed the entire meaning of the word for me.
I settle onto my bed with my knees pulled partway up, her head resting in the crook of my left arm, and hold her bottle in my right hand as she gulps down the formula. Natty is soft and warm, and it feels like she just melts into my arms. As she sucks on her bottle, her little hand reaches up to touch my face and her eyes stay locked on mine. I am stricken again by this child's beauty. She's gorgeous, just like her mother, delicate and fair and just... beautiful.
When Natty is nearly finished with her bottle, I remember that I need a towel or something in case she spits up-- from what I have seen, she usually does. I move Natty to rest against my legs so I can dig through the diaper bag with one hand. In it, I first find the black clothes that Christina bought, and I roll my eyes.
Christina. Some friend she is. I hated the way that she stole the glory from Tris tonight by taking the flag. It was Tris's bravery and clever thinking that allowed us to locate the flag. It was Tris's clever strategy that allowed us to capture it. And yet, Christina grabbed the flag and took all the glory for it without a second thought. A little smirk of satisfaction crosses my lips, though, thinking about how Christina is now in the dormitory with the other transfers, while Tris got to tag along with the Dauntless-borns and experience the zipline. I couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth when I offered to watch Natty-- something I swore to myself I would never do, and something with which I have absolutely no experience and came into blind-- but it was worth it to see Tris so happy.
I find the towel, but frown noticing only a few diapers left in the bag. As I place the towel over my shoulder and lean Natty against me, patting her back like I have watched Tris do after feeding her, I wonder if those diapers are all Tris has? Again I wonder where the baby supplies come from, and whether she can afford what she needs.
Natty burps the cutest little baby belch, and the towel comes away with only a little regurgitated milk on it. It's still gross, though. I drop it on the floor next to the bag and pull Natty against my chest. She lays her head against me and lets out a contented little baby sigh, and I find myself kissing her soft blond hair. She smells good, different than anything I have smelled before. I suppose that's why I have heard people refer to that "baby smell"-- it really is wonderful.
Natty and I cuddle for a while, and I think about Tris-- how sweet and selfless she is with this little child, how well she cares for her, and the way she manages to hold it all together, initiation and fitting into a whole new place and parenting all at once. And on top of it all, it seems that having her child with her has caused her problems with Peter. Thinking of their argument on the train brings the rage I felt then back to the surface. I had no idea anyone had been bothering her. As her instructor, I wish she had come to me about it right at the start. But of course she didn't. I know it's because I have been a total dick to her.
And then I don't smell that amazing baby smell any more, I smell something much less pleasant... and I realize that I must make my first ever attempt at a diaper change.
I've seen Tris change a diaper before, and it's pretty simple, except that the baby won't just stay there and wait for me to finish. I never imagined it could be so difficult to wrestle a five month old into a diaper. Eventually, I get her clean and the diaper on her well enough that it won't fall off, anyway, and put her pajamas back on her, but not before kissing her toes. Who am I? Kissing a baby's toes? But Natty giggles, and suddenly it's all worth feeling weird and silly.
I frown once again at how low Tris is running on supplies.
"Should we go on an adventure, Natty?" I say in a higher-pitched, baby-talk voice that I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth. Natty smiles and gurgles at me and I hold her against my shoulder as I stand. We make our way to the 24-hour pharmacy in the pit. The girl at the counter furrows her eyebrows in confusion when I walk up to the checkout with the baby in one arm and a basket with several packages of diapers and wipes and a few jars of formula--all the same brands and sizes as I saw in Natty's bag. I know she must be confused to see me with a baby and buying things for it, as everyone knows Four, the Dauntless Prodigy... and that I don't have girlfriends, let alone a baby... but I don't offer an explanation. By the time we leave, Natty has cooed and giggled enough to draw a wide smile out of the cashier.
Of course not everything could go smoothly. I am halfway back to the apartment when I run into the absolute last person I would want to see while babysitting.
"Well, well! If it isn't Mr. Mom! Look at you, who knew it would take a little stiff to tame the 'Great Four'? And here I thought you would be able to keep your initiate in line," Eric laughs with obvious joy in his eyes. "It looks like she is the one who did the taming."
I roll my eyes and quickly try to walk past him; I don't really have a comeback for Eric.
"Leaving so soon? Do you have a poopy diaper to change?" He chuckles at his own joke. This asshole is loving every second of this. "You know, I saw a flyer just this morning...every Tuesday evening at the infirmary the nurses are offering a breastfeeding class. You seem to be really into this Mr. Mom thing. Maybe you have some tips to exchange with the other new mommies?"
"Fuck off, Eric," I snap, heat rising in my cheeks.
"Oh, I will find a fine Dauntless woman to fuck...but just seeing this" --he laughs while motioning to me holding Natty with the bags of baby supplies-- "reminds me to go buy some more condoms. Later, Mr. Mom."
I can hear his laughter long after he has strolled down the hall. He is so annoying.
I sigh. "Forget him, Natty. That is a mean man, we will make sure you stay away from that jerk. Let's go home, sweetie."
I keep Natty in my arms as I drop the baby supplies on the kitchen table on my way in; I can put them away for Tris later. Natty seems to have been a little worn out by our big adventure, so I go to lay her in the crib, but she reaches for me, and I just can't bear to turn her down.
"Hmm," I hum to the baby. "You probably want to see your mommy before you lay down for the night, don't you? Of course you do, huh?" I pick her back up and she cuddles into me immediately. "Let's just lay down on my bed and wait for her. Sound good? Yeah, I think that sounds good. We'll wait for your mommy," I softly ramble to her as I lay down on my bed, propped a bit by pillows, with Natty on my chest. And I don't mind at all.
+++o+++
Before I open my eyes, still drowsy from sleep, I notice the soft warm mass on my chest. I open my eyes slowly to find the lamp by my bed still on, as well as the light in the kitchen. My lips lift into the smallest of smiles when I look down to see baby Natty on my chest, sleeping with her lips parted, her back steadily rising and falling with each breath, and I can feel someone watching me. I turn my head to see Tris sitting next to me on the bed, just watching me.
When our eyes meet, her cheeks blush red. "Um, sorry," she says nervously. "You both looked so peaceful... I didn't want to wake you."
I nod, and I can feel the blood rushing to my own cheeks as I do. Some part of me doesn't want her seeing me so comfortable with her baby. I won't admit it to Tris-- I don't even want to admit it to myself-- but I enjoyed my time with Natty tonight. As much as I want to deny it, I know the truth. I am starting to like this baby. Tris's baby. Despite how she came to exist, I like her.
But I still can't allow Tris to know that, so I gesture to the baby with one hand, and Tris leans in and carefully extracts her baby from my chest. She lays her gently in the crib, and I am surprised when she comes back and sits beside me again on the bed, a few inches away, not touching me.
Tris clears her throat. "Thank you again, Four. For watching her tonight. Zip lining was amazing." She speaks quietly, and I realize she doesn't want to wake the baby. I internally shudder at the idea of willingly flying in a cloth sling down a steel cable a thousand feet above the ground. It sounds horrifying, but I am not surprised that Tris wasn't afraid. She is remarkably brave.
"You earned it. They never invite transfers to that. You really made an impression by climbing the ferris wheel," I admit.
Tris blushes. "Really? I thought... when Christina took the flag... I didn't think anyone would remember anything I did tonight."
I smirk. "Normally, they wouldn't. But being bold enough to climb that wheel... no one is going to forget that anytime soon." I frown. "I didn't like that Christina pushed you aside like that, though. You earned that flag."
"I didn't want to be greedy. Besides, Christina didn't give me much of a choice. She even pointed out that I was too short to reach it." Tris just laughs and rolls her eyes, while my irritation with Christina only grows.
I sigh. "Yeah, well... you were the one who earned it, though. Fear and jealousy can do funny things to people. Christina expected you to be a weak little girl from Abnegation, and you're not." I swallow, deciding whether to say more. Things are just so strained and awkward between us sometimes. But she deserves to hear what I want to say. "I've been really impressed by how well you've been doing in training, Tris. You work hard, and you're skilled. Better than your classmates. You'll secure a good ranking coming out of stage one, I think."
Tris looks surprised at my words, and I don't know whether it's what I said, or that I was the one to say it. She must know she has been doing well, so it is probably the latter. "Thank you, Four. I have to admit... you really are an amazing instructor. I'm learning a lot from you. Even tonight, the way you encouraged me to come up with the winning strategy rather than just taking over, as our instructor, is a perfect example."
My pride swells; instructing new initiates is a job I take seriously, as their skill is important to the future of our faction. The fact that I instruct the transfers rather than the Dauntless-born is added pressure; they aren't cut any slack in the rankings based on where they were born, and the Dauntless-born initiates enter initiation lightyears ahead of the transfers in their skill-sets.
I am still trying to formulate a response when the bags from the pharmacy, still tossed messily on the kitchen table, catch Tris's eye. She gasps and gets up to go look, and I follow her. She looks at the contents of the bags and turns to me, her eyes wide. "You... you bought baby supplies for Natty?" Her voice is tight, and for a moment I wonder if she is offended.
"Uh... yeah... I mean, I noticed that you were low on supplies and um... I didn't know if you'd have time to go to the pharmacy before you ran out." I run my fingers through my hair and avoid looking at her face. "I bought the same brands and sizes that you had in the diaper bag, but if you need something different for some reason, I can give you the receipt."
"This is... these are perfect, Four," she says softly-- almost tenderly. "You didn't have to do that. Thank you so much." She bites her lip. "I'll pay you back soon, I..."
I shrug. "Don't mention it. My treat-- no repayment necessary."
Then I look at her face again, and I am stunned when I see tears in her eyes. I didn't mean to make her sad... did I do something wrong? "Tris? What's wrong?"
She shakes her head. "Nothing is wrong. I just... I'm just really thankful. What you did was so thoughtful, Four."
And for the second time tonight, she wraps her arms around me. This time, I don't hesitate to hug her back. I have missed having her in my arms, and I don't know whether she feels the same way. All I know is that it is much longer than I had expected before she pulls away.
+++o+++
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* Tris POV *
I change into my pajamas in the bathroom and brush my teeth, then I pause with the heels of my hands resting on the countertop, my fingers gripping its edge. Twice now, tonight, I have nearly confessed the truth about Natty to Four. When I saw the diapers and formula he had purchased for her, I almost told him, once again. I may be brave enough to climb a ferris wheel, but I'm not brave enough to tell Four the truth. This secret is just too dangerous, I am literally a kidnapper! Marcus is a free man, and I stole his child. Still, as time goes on, I feel more and more guilty for keeping this a secret from him. I take a deep breath in and let it out before quietly opening the door t o the bathroom.
I pause in the doorway, watching Four. I don't think he has heard me yet. He stands next to Natty's crib, both hands resting on the top rail, just looking at her. My breath hitches in my throat as I watch him lean over the crib, placing a goodnight kiss on the sleeping baby's forehead. I step quickly back into the bathroom and pull the door almost shut before he can see me. After a count of ten, I open the door, much less carefully than before, and shuffle out of the bathroom.
Four is sitting on the edge of his bed with the blanket pulled back, and he shoots me a small smile. I turn off the light in the kitchen and when I climb into my bed, he is already laying down, the blanket pulled up to his armpits. When he sees that I am in my bed, not walking around where I may bump into something, he reaches for his bedside lamp. Then he pauses with his finger over the switch before lowering his hand, the light still on.
"Goodnight, Tris," he says softly.
Those butterflies that I don't want to feel start fluttering again in my stomach. "Goodnight, Four," I respond, just as softly. It's the first time either of us have said goodnight to one another in over two years.
The light switches off, leaving us in total darkness, and I hear a rustle of covers as Four turns over in his bed.
The butterflies I felt, the warm feelings in my stomach, they all persist as I lay in the dark, staring up toward the ceiling, and I desperately try to push them down, push them away entirely, to where I can pretend they never existed at all. But it doesn't work.
I turn on my side facing the wall and I feel the familiar burn as tears begin to well in my eyes. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm afraid... afraid of what I want, and afraid of the potential fallout from it down the road. I'm afraid that I still love him-- that underneath everything Four lets me see on the surface, Tobias Eaton is still in there, hiding behind the rough exterior that Dauntless has molded Four into, and I am afraid that I am still in love with him.
And even more than that, I am afraid to get hurt again, and I cannot forget everything that happened after he left Abnegation.
I feel as though I am two people.
I am still the girl that he left behind to deal with the monster-- the monster that tormented and eventually killed my mother. Every time I think about that blue sculpture and how he left it out to make his last point... my blood boils with rage. We paid for that. Not him.
And then I feel like I am someone completely new, not just because of being at Dauntless. I am a new person here, and most important I am truly a mother here. Natty is mine, and I feel a need to move forward, to have peace in my heart for her. I wish I better understood forgiveness.
I wipe away the tears that fall silently down my cheeks, not making a sound.
++o+ Chapter End +o++