Unreal.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, it hit me I now had, without a doubt, a shoulder length hair. It was in the shade of black, like those of ravens.
I kind of liked the color. But this was the first time, in almost a decade, that I had a hair this short. Long, flowing auburn hair had always been my signature look.
"Do you like it?" Megan, the hairstylist, asked.
I took a deep breath. "Maybe?"
"Is this the style you're aiming for?" she asked again.
No, it wasn't, but I didn't want to tell her that. I didn't want to admit it to myself, either. "Is it manly enough?"
"Honestly, I don't think it is. You look cute in a bob. If you want to look like a boy, this won't do," Megan replied.
I sighed.
Yeah, I looked cute. That was the last impression I wanted to have right now. I didn't want an ensemble of guy radars to pick up the fact that I was one cute human being who could be a girl.
"Really?" I was holding on to that slight chance of suddenly looking manly out of nowhere. This style wouldn't force me to wear a wig after busting Finn's newly found fake identity.
I would recognize Finn in just a matter of days, or a week or two at the most. I only needed to be given the proper exposure, leading me to point no. 1, which was me proposing that I should transfer there for a short while. How many times had I repeated those magic words to my dad before he had given me his permission?
Thousands.
Short while. It would only be for a short while. I'd recognize Finn and say, 'Gotcha!' After that, I'd go back to my old school and make some last-minute transfer. I would act like nothing happened. It would solve all our problems. Finn wouldn't be able to make any more alterations to his documents, or even his looks, to hide himself again. We would talk it out, sort it over. End of the day, we'd all be happy.
Simple.
"Shall we go on?" I felt like crying.
"It's up to you, hon," Megan answered, unsure. She was probably wondering what I was thinking. And yes, she wasn't the only one.
One Sunday afternoon, a girl, who was wearing a cutesy skirt and a red tank top, had pushed the door of the salon open and asked for her long hair to be cut. When the hair stylist asked what style, the girl showed her a picture of the newest male star making a buzz in show business, one with hair trimmed on sides with only the top portion keeping some length.
Nobody in the entire hair salon could say anything for a while.
I couldn't help it.
If I ever wanted to look like a boy, I'd go for some looks that I'd somewhat, though hard, enjoy, too. Lucas Hughes' latest haircut had to be the one, even if I had to be miserable after.
"Okay, let's do it," I said, holding my breath as I stared at the clippers. I should pull this stunt flawlessly, or I'd risk my father's position as headmaster of Corner Stone High School and lose Finn altogether. After all, if anyone would ask, I was supposed to be Dad's distant, very distant, nephew.
Not niece.
There was no turning back option for me. This was the last stage that I had to go through before I'd move into the dormitory. For clarification, it was an all-boys' dormitory. I finished my papers, made the transfer, and I was an official student of Corner Stone High School. It was an all-boys school, with testosterone filling the corners of each room.
Insane.
I was definitely going crazy.
Letting out a sigh, I said, "Okay, I'm ready now. I'll close my eyes, and then you cut it."
"I'll use number 3 for the sides so that it won't be that short," she informed me, as I was flinching with the sound of the clipper buzzing in my ears.
But when the clipper touched my hair, I bounced off my seat, which made my stylist go berserk. I was so apologetic for doing that and startling her. After a minute of calming down and letting the stylist do her job, the next thing I heard was the colliding of sharp metals against my hair.
It wasn't until this hour that I realized what I was really asking for. I knew that I'd be moving to Corner Stone's dormitory tonight and school was starting tomorrow, but none of those were catching up with my mind that was currently trying to comprehend the fact that I was actually having a very traumatic haircut experience right now.
After the stylist had told me it was finished, I choked in horror when I saw myself in the mirror. Set aside the cutesy skirt that I was wearing and my tank top, I totally resembled the famous lineage known as men.
Now, I fully realized why Dad had severely disagreed with my proposition at first. Of course, he had to. There was no way he'd let me enter an all-boys school with a dormitory. I would live in that place as a girl in a howl of a contradicting set of hormones.
But I reasoned out to Dad the possibility that Finn might be undergoing a severe breakdown right now. His note sounded like it was written by someone who was already at his limits. I wanted to be there for him. I felt like I was the only bridge that could ever bring Dad and Finn together, like the only person who could understand why they were being so complicated.
My mom was already a lost cause. Her secretary had told us she was in the middle of a big project and was busy to answer our calls from this day onwards. She added she would be available in two months if I was interested in waiting for that long. Like always, our struggles were only trivial matters to her. In the end, we hadn't been able to inform her about my quest. Not that she cared. Just nice to know facts.
"It looks good on you, for whatever you're planning to do," the stylist tried to cheer me up.
"My hair..." I almost cried, tracing the rough edges of my now blunt hair. Tears lingered in the corner of my eyes, and I forced my emotions to calm down. I told myself that I could do this, and that I had to. It was only a hair. It would grow out again in months.
It definitely wasn't anything big, like having your already falling apart family sink even deeper. Somehow, not acting right away with things like this would only make everything worse, until they'd reach the point of being irreparable. I couldn't even bear the thought of Dad and Finn severing all remaining ties. It was very heartbreaking.
"Don't worry, sweetheart. If you're planning to grow out your hair again, you only need several months. This haircut will turn into a fabulous bob. In the meantime, a lightweight gel might come in handy for your hair," she said slowly, trying to understand the perplexing situation.
"I'll be back in several weeks. Maybe you can do something about it again?"
"Just look for Megan. I'm your girl," she said, smiling at me, her curly blonde hair sticking to her face. "We'll fix this."
As she was dusting off the excess hairs lingering around my neck, the doors of the salon flew open. One loud and panicky voice resounded around the peaceful place, "Fiona! Are you insane?"
I lifted my chin and saw Paige standing behind me, looking straight at my reflection in the mirror with one dumbfounded expression on her face. Well, she actually thought that I'd be using a fake hair. A wig. That was what I had told her, and it was my first option.
But after thinking that boys were 'untamed' creatures, I didn't take the risk of my wig being accidentally pulled off. It was my father's reputation that was on the line. He had already bent several rules in order to get me inside. Pushing it further wouldn't do him any good.
"I have to, Paige," I explained, standing up from my seat and thanking Megan. I paid the bill and dragged my hysterical friend outside. She was completely astounded, unable to say a word or two until we were at a safe distance.
"Fiona!"
"What?" I asked with a laugh, trying to calm her a bit.
"Are you really okay? I mean, your hair is all gone," Paige said, exasperated. She went around me and assessed the extent of the damage.
"Not everything." I shrugged, reminding myself that this was all for Finn and Dad. I'd do anything for them.
Tucking back her long hair behind her ears, which I was now envious of, she asked, "So what's the plan now?"
"I'll be moving to the dormitory in a few," I said to her, glancing at my watch. I still had several minutes before Dad would pick me up and drive me to my doom, or rather Corner Stone High School.
Paige tried to stay calm, internalizing the words that had gone out of my mouth. I was about to ask if everything was okay at her end, but she held me back and said, "Just give me a minute."
I nodded, keeping my mouth shut.
After a while, she finally spoke. "So you're really going to transfer there?"
"It will only be for a few days," I told Paige, pressing my luck that I'd only need that amount of time. Going there already felt like one turbulent ride. Staying there for over two weeks sounded like one real-time torture. So, no thanks. Finn really had to bump into me in the hall or something tomorrow. It would be even better if we were roommates.
But speaking of my roommate, I doubted he was Finn. I was even sure that he wasn't Finn. Dad took every precautionary measure he could afford to pull off, without exposing our direct relation as father and daughter, in order to protect me from potential harm.
By this time, there were only two rooms left with only one occupant each. A guy who was known as the ladies' man occupied one room. Obviously, Dad wouldn't let me share a room with roommate no. 1, even for only a short while. That brought us to the safer choice.
Yes, Dad and I had already gone over things as if we had reached the worst-case scenario. We had exaggerated every gossip and hearsay Dad had heard in Corner Stone High School during the last seven years of his stay there.
For a girl who was posing as a boy, the next option was harmless. At least Dad could still sleep soundly, a bit, for the next few days, without worrying about me being attacked in my sleep. Or, knock on wood, if I ever got attacked, roommate no. 2 wouldn't be too happy with what he'd see. Most probably, he'd let me off the hook in a millisecond.
Definitely safer.
"What will happen to you, then? It's like throwing yourself into a pack of wolves," Paige stressed out.
"They're civil, I think. And they look more than all right, don't they? It's not like they'll undress me and throw a naked party after." But after giving my thoughts a second look, I was horrified, thinking what if they had that kind of ritual in greeting a newcomer?
It was an all-boys school. Everything was possible.
"See? See that look on your face? You know how weird those guys are in our class. And they're like that even if they have been with girls all their lives," she continued with the torturous thought that those seemingly harmful creatures called men would sabotage my well-being.
"They don't know that I'm a girl. I'm even using a fake identity. It's not Fiona Pearce who will enter their school. It is a guy with the name of Jules Kensey who will be there in a few," I paused, taking a glance at my watch again, "in like thirty minutes."
"It doesn't even matter. They will know!" Paige exclaimed.
"No, they won't. It's not like they'll sniff me and know that I'm a girl." I calmed her down. She should at least believe that this momentary attempt would all turn out well. I needed some support out here, and those boys were human beings, not search dogs.
"That haircut only did a fleeting effect in hiding your features," Paige complained.
"Don't worry. Once I put on those clothes that I have in Dad's car, I bet you'll fall in love with me, thinking that I'm Mr. Handsome walking around the block."
"Oh please, don't start with that." Amusingly, she also looked green suddenly. Now I felt sorry that I already gave her nightmares to endure for the next few days. "Take good care of yourself, okay? Promise me."
"I will. Come on, cheer up, Paige. I feel sad not going to school with you tomorrow," I told her. But I didn't need to worry. There were Helen, Liz, and Ed to keep her company.
"I'll miss you big time." Paige pulled me into a hug.
"I'll be back before you know it. We'll keep in touch. And Corner Stone is only a few miles away. We can still hang out. I heard they allow the students to go out during weekends," I said to her. And it wasn't like I'd stay there for long. I might even move out before Saturday. Finn only had to do his part, well, of appearing in front of me, so that I could play the part of sibling recognition. Now why was I getting this feeling that I was the one being used as a search dog in all this?
I heard a honk coming from behind me. Turning back, I saw my dad in the car. He got that same look on Paige's face a moment ago. It must be really heartbreaking to see me with this hair.
"Hey, Dad!" I called out, pulling away from Paige.
We walked over to him, waiting for what he was going to say. But it was like a meteorite landed directly on his head, leaving him senseless. His eyes traced the features of my new haircut.
Lucas Hughes rocked!
"Fiona, I'm so sorry," Dad said suddenly.
"No need, Dad. It's okay."
"Hi, Mr. Pearce," Paige greeted him.
"Hi there, Paige. It's been a while," Dad said. I wanted to say that Paige was in our house recently, when he was spacing out like crazy, but I held it back. He seemed convinced that it had been a while, so I let him be. I even heard Paige chortle a bit, but she also held it back, fully knowing what Dad was going through right now.
"I guess you have to go now. Just promise me you'll take care of yourself, okay?" Paige said, looking straight into my eyes.
"Yes, I will," I replied. "For the first time, I'm glad that we honed our acting skills before. At least I got a head start."
She laughed a bit. "Didn't know it would be handy for you."
I nodded. "So, see you in a few days?"
"Make sure that it's only several days," she reminded me.
"Of course," I assured her. After giving her one last hug, I turned to Dad and said, "Let's go."
"Take care," I heard Paige say again, as I was tugging my seatbelt. I looked up and flashed one last smile before we left. Soon after, Dad and I were already driving away, and I was only looking at Paige's reflection in the rear-view mirror.
"Are you nervous?" Dad asked, turning right around the block.
"A lot. So how are the boys in your school? I mean, are they okay or..." I trailed off, not wanting to sound imposing. It wasn't like I could tell him what Paige's brand new definition of boys in an exclusive school.
"They're like every other boy, just arranged in a different setup," Dad replied.
"How?"
He gave it a thought. "You'll know. They're the same, yet different in their own ways."
"Like?" I had heard stories before, but it wasn't like Dad discussed the entire set-up with me. There was no need for it before. Well, unlike now. A fair warning would do me so much good.
"It's hard to explain, but you'll get the idea, probably as soon as tomorrow," Dad told me, giving me a wry smile.
"Now I'm nervous." I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
"You know, you don't really have to do this. We can still just—"
"Don't worry, Dad, I can handle this. What's a few days of pretending?" I said confidently.
"Well, if you say so. Just ring my phone, and I'll be there to pick you up if you change your mind," Dad said, as we were getting near the school. I'd been there once or twice, so I had a rough idea where we were heading.
"But please refrain yourself from recognizing me that much, okay? No one needs to know that I'm your daughter. If you barge inside my room every chance you get, they'll be suspicious. I'm your distant relative, okay?" I kept on reminding him.
"I'll try my best," he replied.
"Good," I said, looking outside.
As we turned right, a straight road surrounded by maple trees on both sides came into view. Farther at the end of this road, there was the front arch of the school. Noticing that he was going to drive me all the way inside, I hurriedly said, "Drop me off here, Dad. I'm okay here."
"Are you sure?" He hesitated.
"I'll be fine. I will just change these clothes, and I'll be ready to go," I said, noticing that I was still wearing my skirt.
Dad parked the car on the sides. The place was practically empty, since all the students were already inside. They were required to be present before six in the evening. I was an exception, because I was a special transferee and a distant nephew of Mr. Headmaster.
Dad got out of the car and coined the term that he'd be staking out while I changed my clothes. I laughed at his insane remark.
On the backseat, there was a pair of sluggish jeans and a black shirt. I was already wearing a sports bra that practically hid my nonexistent chest. For once, I appreciated having a flat chest. If it were huge like Paige's, I'd be having a hard time right now.
After slipping inside my new outfit, I checked myself in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize who I was seeing, no less than a familiar face in a boy get-up and new hairdo. Weirdness struck me. But shoving away the worries, I reminded myself that this was for my family.
"The bags, Dad," I said when I got out of the car and before he could change his mind. Or before I would change my mind. It could go both ways.
"Fiona..."
"Please, Dad. We have to do this. We can't back down now. The damage has been done, so we have to go along as planned," I told him.
"Stay safe, okay? If you feel like you want to end all this and go back home, just call me. I don't care if we get busted and I lose my job. I don't want you to be harmed, please," he added.
I gave him a hug. "I'll be fine, Dad."
He kissed me on the forehead. "I'm not comfortable with this. But if you really insist that you want to do something about our situation, I can't hold you back."
"I promise to be back soon. You'll see me home again, probably this week," I said, telling him what I had been saying to Paige all along. It wasn't as if I'd be gone for weeks or months or an entire year. It was only for several days. Four hundred and sixty-five students? A piece of cake. I'd recognize Finn the moment I'd see him, and we'd talk this over right away.
"Okay, I'll see you in school tomorrow," he finally said.
I nodded, giving his hand a squeeze one last time before heading toward the school entrance. It was a quarter-mile away from where Dad saw me off. The place itself was secluded and a bit far from civilization. There were a lot of trees placed around the area, making the outside of the school more like a mini forest. Well, this was a very well-known private high school for boys. What else should I expect? Definitely, it shouldn't be less than the best.
Arriving at the entrance, which was barred, I scanned the place, looking for the security office. Tugging my bag along, I showed my identification card to the school guard sitting behind the glass window. He looked at me from head to toe, before he said, "Jules Kensey? The new student?"
I nodded.
Then he pressed a certain button, and the black barring suddenly opened up. Cool. I was still watching in awe when I heard him say, "The dorm is on the left side of this building. Your room is 407, senior floor."
The moment the black fence behind me shut closed again, I caught my breath. What I knew was that I would be out of this place in no time, after making everything okay. But then, with every step I made towards the dormitory, uncertainty crept inside my system.
First off, this place was vast. Second, I felt exposed as I went past all those guys. I was getting paranoid, with Paige's words earlier ringing in my ears.
'Fiona, they're not search dogs. Humans, okay? They're just like all those other boys you've seen before,' I said to myself, as I pressed the elevator button with the name SENIOR FLOOR. I was the only one inside the elevator, so at least that was a relief. I could panic some more.
There was an inscription below the particular elevator button, which said, WE RULE. For once, I hated the fact that this awesome school had made an entire dormitory floor exclusive for seniors. Those boys knew each other ever since when, which meant that I'd be a total outcast. But then, the good thing was, if Finn was really a senior, I'd easily spot him in the group. It was less hassle compared to finding him in the entire school population.
I heard a ding, and the elevator door opened.
And third, what made me suddenly restless and very uncertain was the sight in front of me. The number of seniors this year, including myself, was fifty-four. All fifty-three of them had spread themselves around the dining hall. They were all there, looking right at me.
I suddenly felt the urge to press the Close Door button of the elevator or ring my dad's phone. With all those rigid stares and unpleased look in all of their faces, I swore there was an invisible GO AWAY, OUTCAST! sign hanging around the place.
So fourth, school hadn't even started yet, and I already felt completely unwanted. I forced myself out of the elevator, telling myself that I'd run if I had to. There was just one way to get into the bottom of this messed-up situation.
After a moment of silence, someone stood up from where he was sitting, moved back his chair, and headed in my direction. There wasn't even a hint of friendliness in his face. I caught my breath with his every step.
Thud. Thud. Thud. His leather shoes steadily brushed the wooden floor.
And for the finale, I was certain that fifth, I was definitely and irrevocably doomed.
FINDING FINN JOURNAL NO. 3
I will shave Finn's head the moment I see him. I swear!!!