Sorry.
Huminga ako ng malalim. Ngayon lang ulit ako nakahinga ng maluwag simula kanina. Ang malamig at maalat na hangin mula sa baywalk ang nagpa-klaro ng isipan ko. Dumampi sa akin ang init ng coat ni Mikel kung saan nanunuot pa ang kanyang amoy. It gave my body warmth, however it didn't help the coldness in my heart.
"Umalis ka doon sa event." I said as if it is not obvious. The thin air from the sea made me predict the time, it is almost midnight. Ang mga nag-titinda ng chicharon at balut sa paligid ay hindi nahiyang tingnan ako na para bang isa akong prospect customer nila at aalukin ako mamaya pagkatapos ng teleserye drama namin ni Mikel.
"You need me more."
"Uuwi na lang ako, bumalik ka na don."
"Kailangan mo ako.."
"Alam mo Mikel, minsan iniisip ko kung Mahal ba kita kasi kailangan kita, o kailangan kita kaya mahal kita?"
"If this is another line from the movie, Gabrielle Bethany, I swear I will—"
"You will what?" Hamon ko sa kanya, "Oo linya iyon ni Claudine Barretto sa Milan, then, you will what?"
"I swear I will not leave you, you are not still okay." He sighed. "Do you remember when your parents just died? You treat everything as a joke. You laughed and you talked to yourself."
"Then maybe I am crazy."
Huminga ako ng malalim at tumitig doon sa madilim na dagat. Ang mga ilaw sa malalaking barko ay parang mumunting bituin na nagkikislapan sa tubig. It is beautiful.
"You are emotionally unstable, Gabby."
"Why do you hide the truth about me, Mikel? Pupwede ko bang hingin yung katotohanan sayo? Sa akin naman yan."
"Why do you worry so much about the past, Gabby?"
"Dahil ako yon. Ako yon, Mikel. Hindi ako bagong panganak na kikilalanin kung sino ako ngayon. People will love me or hate me for what I did in the past at gusto kong malaman ang rason sa mga iyon. Sana naman kung may makasalubong ako na may galit sa akin, sana alam ko. Sana kung galit ka sa akin, sana alam ko."
Mikel's dark brooding eyes darted at me. Mas madilim pa iyon sa gabi. His lips are more perfect when it smiles, but still faultless when it is not. His jaw struggled for control.
"If people will love you, it is not because you are perfect, Gabby. They love you because they do."
"And if they hate me, Mikel?" Kagaya ng nararamdaman mo sa akin ngayon.
"Because they cannot love you. As simple as that."
"Ah." Tumango-tango ako. "I think I need to go home now." Tumalikod na ako at mabagal na nag-lakad, ang mahaba kong gown ay malayang dumudulas sa lupa. The brick flooring of the baywalk trapped my pointed stilleto but I managed to keep on walking. Wala ng pakialam kung masira pa ito.
"Mam, balut po."
"Gab, can I offer you something?"
Nagkasabay pa si Mikel sa aking likuran at ang mag-ba-balut sa aking harapan. Hindi ko alam kung susulong ako o paatras. May humintong jeep sa aming gilid, tumutugtog pa ang kanyang stereo ng kanta ni KZ Tandingan kaya naguluhan ako ng husto.
'Dalawa kayo sa buhay ko
At ako ngayon ay kailangan nang mamili
Isa lang ang maaari
Alam mong narito ako
Lagi para sa iyo
Mahal kita ng labis
Ngunit iba ang iyong nais'
"K-kuya." Wika ko sa mag-babalut.
"M-ma'am.." Napalunok siya. Pawisan ang kanyang noo sa kabila ng lamig ng hangin sa paligid. Ang kanyang ngipin ay iisa... Walang kasama.
"Gabby, ano ba?" Madamdamin akong hinila ni Mikel papaharap sa kanya. Sa gilid ng mata ko, kitang kita ko ang panghihinayang ng mag-babalut.
"Do you want to re-enact the last dates we had? Those that you cannot remember."
Kumunot ang noo ko at nanatiling nakatingin sa kanya. His footstep closing our distance were heavy.
"I can remember those. Just tell me where your memory ends and I will fill the missing parts with me in it."
"S-seryoso?" Napalingon na ako sa kanya.
Tumango si Mikel.
"Siguro mas mabilis mong maalala kapag merong trigger. We will go to the places we've been, eat the food that you loved, do everything over again kagaya kung paano mo naalala ang mag-lakad, mag-sulat at mag-basa."
"P-pero Mikel, si Scarlette."
"Scarlette and I broke up."
"For real?"
Tumango si Mikel, "I want to leave that part of my life private."
"And that was the time when she saw me at your office, right? Sinabi mo lang na ayos sa kanya ang lahat para hindi ako ma-guilty."
"Too late for the guilt now, Gab. Like what I said, I want to keep it private."
Nakakaunawa akong tumango.
"What's the catch?" I asked.
"No catch."
"Rules? What will be the rules?" I asked.
"No touching."
"Sayang naman."
"No Kissing." Dagdag niya,
"Wag na lang kaya?"
"I won't force you to do this pero kung papayag ka, tell me what your last memory is, then let's fill the blanks in."
---
"Are you sure this is your last memory?" Lukot na lukot ang mukha ni Mikel habang nakatayo siya sa harapan ko. The aircon in full-blast didn't help to cool down the temperature. I can feel the heat rushing through my veins and I cannot help but to be perverse.
Tao lang, Beshy!
"Eto na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. I don't want you to think that I am flirting with you, ito talaga yun Mikel. Ito ang huli kong alaala. Then tell me, what happened next?"
"Can you close your legs? Goodness, Gabby!" Napatakip ng mata si Mikel.
Bumangon ako at nag-pamewang. Itinakip ko ang suot na roba sa aking katawan.
"Ano, Mikel. Did you successfully pop my cherry on our fifth anniversary?"
"God, No! We stopped. I stopped you because I want to preserve it for our marriage."
"Then which part did it happen? Kinabukasan ba? Dali, let's sleep and wait for tomorrow. Golly, I can't wait!"
"Gabby.."
"Mikel. This is my last memory. Sabi mo you will help me to re-enact everything."
"Gabby, just the most important bits and pieces. If we re-enact everything, that would be 2 years!"
"Ay, ang impatient mo doon. Para dalawang taon lang."
"Gabby.." Mikel roughtly said in a warning tone.
Humalukipkip ako at bumalik na sa kama. Mikel asked me to use his room. Yeah, I know. Masyadong makapal ang mukha ko dahil pumayag ako. But if I won't, we cannot start this idea of his. I told him that my last memory was this, our fifth year anniversary at hindi ako nagbibiro doon. You think it was a joke?
Mikel was topless, we were both breathless and none of us wants to end the kiss. All our kisses were magical, but today is really special. It was so hot and kinky. His hands travelled underneath my dress, I groaned when he motioned his hand to my thighs, sexily massaging it in his huge hands.
My cheeks flared not because of embarassment but because of kindling arousal in my head. I was never insecure about my weight, Mikel taught me how to embrace my flaws, my fats and all. Kahit kailangan kong umeffort para ibuka ang dalawang hita ko para magkaroon ng space ang kanyang kamay ay ginawa ko. I can just imagine my cellulites being touched but it felt good. It felt good that I craved for more. Inilagay ko ang kamay ko sa kanyang tiyan, sending him silent signal to remove his shirt.
"Please, Mikel!"
Iniangat niya ako at ipinatong sa window pane ng kanyang condo, I am always amazed how strong his muscles are. Kaya ako nitong buhatin sa kahit anong paraan, kahit gaano pa ako lumaki at mas mabigat pa nga sa kanya. I yanked his neck for more kisses but he was so excited to remove his shirt. A warm arousal boiled inside my blood when I saw his god like features.
My Goolay! Ito na nga ang sinasabi nilang tunay na biyaya!
His abs were chiseled like it was a work of art. I barely see him workout but he told me he does. Of course, hindi naman nabibili ang ganyang katawan sa mall. Working out is not his life, but to him, life means being with me. Aminin mo, ang ganda ko doon!
He let a harsh growl when he attacked my lips, ngayon ay lumipat na ang kamay niya sa aking dibdib. He massaged it as his own, gigil at punong puno ng init. I slid the strap of my spaghetti strapped nighties, hinila iyon ni Mikel, the crisp sound of a torn fabric came too sexy that moment I felt that I am a goddess.
"Mikel, now! Now!"
"Ikaw ang pinakamagandang babae na nakilala ko. You were my truth, Gabby. I don't need your body, maybe I do. But I am just so scared that one day, you will wake up and regret that you gave it to me." Nag-salita si Mikel sa aking gilid. Popping all the memories that night that was stucked in my head.
"S-siguro, nauumay ka kasi mataba ako non!" I accused. He smiled and shook his head.
"You said that." Humakbang papalapit sa akin si Mikel at niyakap ako. Niyakap ng mahigpit.
"There's nothing sexier than a woman with this thighs so thick, I love how it wraps around me. I love the curves on your waist, it fits my arms whenever we cuddle. I love your confidence on your body and how you are not afraid to show how special you are because I love you and that is more than enough for you."
"M-mikel..."
"--I said that night. Then I took a shower and when I went out, you were sleeping soundly. That's all that happened that night and I am not lying."
"Did you sleep beside me that night?"
"I did, like we always do."
"C-can we---"
"Gabby.."
Tawagin mo na akong mang-aagaw, querida, kabit, number 2, mistress.
But hell, I really feel so empty this time. I want more of Mikel but I cannot push my luck this time. Sobra sobra na ang ginagawa kong pang-aabala.
"I understand. Sumusobra nga naman iyon. Bukas na lang. Ano ba naman yung gutom kang matutulog pero hindi ka talaga makakatulog dahil mas malakas pa sa hilik ng tao yung kalam ng sikmura mo.." Sinubukan kong lumusot.
"What?" Iniangat ni Mikel ang kanyang ulo at seryosong tiningnan ako.
"Can we eat? Yun ang sasabihin ko. Pananghalian pa ang huling kain ko. P-pero kung antok ka na."
"I am not sleepy. Of course, we can eat. Wait, I will cook." Nag-mamadaling lumabas si Mikel sa kanyang kuwarto at sinundan ko siya.
Mikel prepared simple meal. Chicken nuggets and spam. Umupo kami sa kanyang 4-seater table at kumportable akong kumuha ng pagkain doon. His taste in furnitures improved a lot. Noon ay parang tirahan ito ng teenager na nadiskubre ang pag-li-live in, naligaw ng landas at naging trasher, ngayon ay pormal na pormal na ito. We lived together, Mikel and I. Simula pa iyon ng college hanggang sa mag-simula na kaming mag-trabaho. Gayunpaman, nakinig kaming mabuti sa payo ng kanyang mga magulang, books before sex. Ay! Ano nga ba ang kasibihang iyon?
I hate 4-seater table, that is too much space, ang sa amin noon ay coffee table lang. I loved seating on Mikel's lap kahit alam kong nabibigatan na siya sa akin ay buong puso niyang tinatanggap ang lahat ng bilbil ko.
"Mikel, bukas, merong akong schedule sa doktor. Isasangguni ko din itong ginagawa natin. You know, hindi naman tayo maalam sa mga ganito, we need to make sure if what we are doing is healthy. Ayoko namang sa bandang huli ay may masasaktan pa tayong tao." Or ako.
"Sasamahan kita."
"Hindi na, Lexy is there. She can accompany me."
"Please, Gabby. Let me do this. Hindi din ako mapapanatag kung hahayaan kita mag-isa."
Kumagat ako ng chicken nuggets sa aking harapan. There's different hues of emotions in his eyes. I was expecting anger but I see nothing but concern.
"Hindi ka na ba galit?"
"I am sorry for being bitchy these past few days."