Nora had ordered herself not to create her YouTube channel until the music video was done. What if her dad, or someone he knew, stumbled upon her channel? Andy or Max or Erin or Willow or even Nolan could tell someone and they could tell her dad. He went outside. He talked to people at work, and at the store. An offhand comment could be made. And he...
So, no. She wouldn't allow herself to make an account prematurely. But, here she was anyway, in bed, on her phone, finger hovering over the CREATE AN ACCOUNT button on Gmail.
Don't be an idiot. Yes, today had been a good day. She and Nolan had had fun. But, she couldn't allow herself to get caught up in this excitement. She wouldn't. But...
Footsteps clambered up the stairs. She switched off her phone and stuffed it under her blanket. She listened hard, waiting for her dad's unsteady footsteps to pass her room. Would he slam his door tonight? Would the door click softly shut? Or would he forget to close it entirely?
A door clicked, but it wasn't her dad's door. It was hers.
It was instinct: she yanked her blanket over her head and squished her eyes shut. Fear shot up her gut. What was he doing in here? He never came in here—there was too much her for him to take.
"Almost got fired today," he drawled, "thanks to you."
Her eyes popped open. What?
"I was up for a promotion before you killed her." He settled on the edge of her bed. She tensed, resisting the urge to curl up into a ball. "And now I was almost fired." He chuckled softly, a delirious sound, and hiccuped.
"You won't be happy until you've destroyed everything, will you?" he asked. "You've taken everything else. Everything of hers is gone."
Tears threatened, but she forced them back. Destroyed everything. Everything gone.
"It's too painful, don't you get it!" His roar, nine years old, echoed through her head. She'd asked where all of the pictures of her mom went.
"Oh, God." He sniffed. "What's wrong with me?"
Dad. A tear slipped down her cheek. Her heart ached. All she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him. She wanted him back.
"God, I hate this. I hate you."
She pressed her palm over her mouth. Quiet.
"I hate you."
I'm so sorry.
"I hate you for making me hate you," he whispered, his voice thick, slurred. "You were so good, Nora. You were so good. And now look at you."
An audible sob begged to escape.
Her mattress creaked as he lifted himself from her bed. Heavy footsteps crossed her room. Her door slammed shut.
She dropped her hands. Her sob broke free.
She grappled for her phone, turned it back on, and swiped out of Gmail. The light pierced her teary eyes, but she didn't care.
Maybe she wouldn't even post the video. Maybe the moment it was finished, she would throw it away. Why not? It was what she deserved.
✝
The next morning, Nora stepped into the kitchen, hands wiping at groggy eyes. When her hands fell and she took in her surroundings, she faltered.
Her dad was slumped at the table, face-down.
Her heart rammed into her chest. She sped-walked over to him and held her breath, gaze trained on his back. Move. Please—
His back lifted, constricted. Even. Strong.
She sagged. Thank You. But, her relief was short-lived, because he was supposed to be at work. Which meant he was late. Which meant that, when he woke up, he would not only be hungover, but also furious.
She bit her lip.
"I hate you."
She turned and hurried into the bathroom—more specifically, to the medicine cabinet. A bottle of Aspirin, nearly empty. She'd have to go to the store to grab some more.
Aspirin opened, a cup of water poured, she set them both on the counter. And then she gently shook her dad's shoulder. "Dad?" she murmured. "It's time to get up."
✝
"Okay, so you're going to toss and turn, and then put the pillow on top of your face," Nolan said. "Like you're trying to block out an alarm clock."
Willow sat up on Nora's bed. "Oh, so my usual sleep schedule during finals week? Done."
Nora laughed.
"Surprised you sleep at all during finals week," Andy said.
"Oh, I don't."
Willow got into position, and they were off. As with everything else so far today, Nolan had her go through the shot more than once, so he could get as many possible. Nora had always known repetition was a thing on sets, but she never knew just how many possible angles there were until now.
She glanced at her phone for the third time in the past twenty minutes. 10:22. They still had plenty of time. Unless...
"Great," her dad muttered, shoving away from the table. Nora backpedaled. "I might as well pack my shit now."
He hadn't been fired. Couldn't have been. He'd left hours ago. But, then again, what if he'd stormed off to a bar and would be back any second, liquored up and ready to hurl anything he could find?
"If she needs to fall off the bed, I can totally pull that off," Max said when they finished this round of shots.
Nolan chuckled.
"You got a wig?" Andy asked.
"I can make it happen."
Nora grinned. Don't think about him. Everything's fine. Everything's fine.
She clutched her necklace and glanced at the ceiling. Everything's fine, right?
"What's next?" Nolan asked.
She blinked and pulled their schedule up on her phone. "Let's see," she murmured. "We filmed her looking at the phone, pacing, twisting and turning in bed...ah. Brushing her teeth."
"I dare you to use Nora's dad's toothbrush," Andy said.
She tensed. He was joking, obviously, and Willow would never do it. But if her dad even heard him say that...
He's not here.
"Ew, no," Willow said. She looked at Nora. "No offense to your dad, obviously."
"None taken."
Only Nolan and Willow could properly fit in the bathroom, so Nora, Andy, Max, and Erin took to the hall. She stretched out her legs and watched Willow pretend to brush her teeth with her own toothbrush. No toothpaste—just like the professionals.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not really buying you as a person brushing their teeth," Andy said.
"I'm afraid we need the toothpaste," Max said.
"Toothpaste, toothpaste!" they chanted.
Nora laughed as Willow's eyebrows shot upward and she dumped a ridiculous amount of Nora's toothpaste onto her brush.
"Action," Nolan said. Amusement colored his voice.
Willow brushed her teeth with fervor.
"Sad!" Nora said. "Remember to look sad!"
That only reminded her of yesterday and her apparent inability not to laugh at herself, and she suddenly had the urge to laugh again. Should she become a comedian?
"Oh yeah." Willow's mouth was so full of suds that Nora could barely understand her. Willow tried to frown, but snorted seconds later...and then she was coughing and gagging.
Nora and the others burst out laughing. By the time the take ended, she was red in the face, laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. It would be at least a half-hour before she checked her phone again.
It was reckless, the amount of fun she was allowing herself to have. Nearly everything inside her screamed to stop, to run away, to shut it down. But there was a part of her, a whisper that said, "Keep going." The whisper was soft, but a desperate part of her clung to it. This was stupid. She was just going to hurt herself. Worse, she might hurt the people she cared about. But she needed these moments. This laughter.
And Nolan. He was smiling and laughing and comfortable with them. It was amazing.
Keep going. It'll be okay.
Keep going.