Nothing was ever simple and heartbreak at a certain age can be made to be a huge fucking dramatic event that makes you do things you didn't think you'd ever do like clean your house spotless, watering plants and actually talking to them, wash the dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher or... writing a letter to your brother.
It hurt so bad that I wrote it all down. He was the only person that could help me.
In that moment of desperation, I truly believed Tobias and only Tobias held the answers to all my questions. I needed answers, I needed to know and who else had gone through this? Who else was in the same exact position that I was in? It was only him, Tobias.
I need help, Tobias. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. There are so many different things happening all at once. Why is it that the simplest things in life are actually the hardest? I don't understand, I don't understand anything at all. Were you this confused too? Was being here, around the people that you're supposed to love the most, what made you the most miserable?
During that week, I saw Ceci twice. She spent a lot of time with Abby and Abby spent a lot of time laughing and not crying over a high school drama. I was glad for her.
Acceptance letters were arriving and lots of people were either celebrating or disappointed but, either way, they all did the same: party and drink. I wasn't in the mood for parties, no matter how many times Kai tried to convince me. I didn't want to do anything at all.
At times I think I'm depressed. Is it wrong for me to say that? I have a roof over my head, food every night, a warm bed, both of my parents and I have a job. Is it wrong for me to feel sad? Is it wrong for me to want to throw everything away for her? It's scary to love someone so much that you're willing to drop everything just for them, just because there's a possibility that you and this person could grow old and die next to each other someday when your eyes grow so tired from all that you've lived and they finally close. Surrounded by your children, grandchildren, surrounded by those whose existence was living proof of the love you and that person shared...
I love her, you know? Like for real... but sometimes I think our relationship was built on lies and I'm afraid I've become a toxic presence in her life. What if all I've done is cause her pain because of my lies? Because of my fear and need to stay hidden?
I don't know, Tobias, I don't even know what I'm saying but I do know that I'm sad all the time. I'm sad when I don't have her and I'm sad when I have her because I know what it means. Knowing that I love her in the way I do makes me so sad. I am not what I was created to be. I am not what our parents expected when they decided to have children. And to know I'm a disappointment to them breaks my heart to pieces so I try to push her away.
Day after day passed. I was a ghost walking around a ghost town. I was slowly becoming the one thing I hated the most and what was worse, I had no intention nor did I have the strength to do anything to change it. I was being extra dramatic and I didn't care. Cecily was never going to be with me and I deserved it.
Nobody deserved to be kept a secret and I made her out to be one. It was like having the most beautiful butterfly kept in a little room without light, without freedom. Cecily was the most beautiful butterfly that had ever excised and I put chains on her wings. Cecily Hayes had the type of beauty that was rarely found, I'm not only talking about physical beauty, but I'm also talking about the person she was, about what was inside her brain and soul, about her as a person... Cecily's beauty was a beauty rarely found and that kind of beauty should never be kept a secret. It should be set free because the fact that I wasn't willing to share my own secret, to be open about my sexuality, it somehow was tied to Cecily not being able to share her own secret.
"If they know about you, they'll know about me." I had told her, letting my selfish needs take over me. I didn't think about what keeping that secret would do to her. I didn't think about Cecily or about what it'd do to our friendship and relationship. I only thought about me when I looked at her directly in the eyes and I said: "Promise me, Cecily, promise me you won't tell anybody."
Actually, I think that's not true, loving isn't hard. Loving is easy. It is us. We're the ones that make it hard. Loving Cecily was as easy as breathing. What is hard is to accept the love I feel for her, what is hard is to get over people's expectations, to be strong and not let the judgment from the society we live in affect me. What would be hard would be to hold her hand while walking through a crowded place without feeling like I'm going to go to hell or that I'm doing something wrong. I can't help it, Tobias, their eyes weight a ton on my shoulders. It shouldn't weight more than my love for her but it isn't just their judgemental eyes... it's the fear, Tobias, I'm terrified of all of this... I need help. I don't know what to do.
How do you look at yourself in the mirror when you hate almost everything you see? When you know almost everything you show to the world, is a complete and utter lie? How did you do it, Tobias? How did you manage without completely losing your mind? And most importantly, are you happy now? Were you capable of loving someone who wasn't Marcus? You risked it all and left us all including Marcus... so tell me, Tobias, were you capable of loving again? After losing it all, after losing the person I'm guessing you loved enough to not care about losing your family? Did you manage to find love again?
Are you happy, Tobias? Was it easy? Was it easy to start again and to get up from bed knowing that you'd have to face the same thing over and over again, that you'd have to look at people in the eyes and say, "I'm gay." In today society where intolerant people don't hide behind closed doors and smile at you when they come out to get the morning paper. In today society where if they don't have a problem with our skin colour, they'll probably have it with our sexuality or vice versa... in a place where everybody claims to be accepting but there's always a but coming right after they claim not to be a discriminative piece of shit. How do you do it when you know people care more about who you share a bed with than the person you are. When you never know who's going to reject you for something so out of your control as to who you fall in love with?
Did you notice, Tobias? I didn't say "as to who you decide to fall in love with." I didn't because I now understand you didn't have a choice. There is never a choice. You love who you love and that is it. You can't tell yourself not to feel something and I'm sorry for asking of you the impossible. That night, before you left, when I asked you to try to love a girl instead of a boy, that was selfish of me.
I've come to realise that I'm a selfish person. I ask of people what I know will hurt them just because I want what I know not to change and I'm so terribly sorry for that for hurting you like that, for what I asked of you.
I'd really like it if you wrote back to me but if you don't, it's okay. I'd understand.
With love, your sister,
Gianina De Sousa
⚢
"Can I get- um, I want a milkshake," Cecily sighed, not looking up at me. I wanted to ask her if maybe she wanted to add something else, maybe a crepé, or something.
Has she been eating all her meals lately? Has she been avoiding it like she used to? Maybe doing a little too much exercise, maybe she told her mother that she ate out and all she had was an apple and an energy drink like she used to do before.
"That's all?" I asked, trying to keep it professional. She didn't look at me but she nodded.
I took a deep breath in and looked over at Abby who stared up at me with an awkward smile.
"Abby?"
"Oh, yeah, I just want a banana milkshake," She nodded as she tapped her fingers on the counter. I wrote down their order.
I went back to the kitchen to make the milkshakes. I ignored Frankie, my manager, when he started going off about how he needed to hire more people since Cecily and another girl already quit because they were leaving for uni. I put extra cream on Cecily's, she liked that. And when I was taking it back to their table, I couldn't help but stop myself. There she was, in table 10, looking as beautiful as ever.
Her hair up in a messy ponytail, not much makeup on her face, her dark eyeshadow was enough to make her eyes look greyer. However, I couldn't help but get annoyed at the sight of Jake next to her.
I took the milkshakes to their table and with the best neutral tone I could muster, I said, "Here's your order." Placed the milkshakes on the table and walked away. Not looking at her, not even when she looked up at me, trying to find my eyes.
It wasn't until I found myself in the staff's bathroom, trying to tell myself that I didn't have a right to be mad that I spoke to Cecily again after what felt like months.
"You don't get to be jealous, Nina," Was the first thing she said to me, her tone filled with anger.
I deserved her anger... I don't deny that.
"Does it have to be here, though?" I asked, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"I didn't know he was going to come, it was just Abby and me."
"Is there anything between you two again?" She waited a second before answering. A long second in which my heart rate slowed.
"Does the answer even matter at this point?"
"Of course, it does," I shook my head, looking up at her with frustration, I shouldn't be frustrated but I was.
"Why?"
"Why? Because... I don't know— are you pretending with him? Are we pretending? Is there even an us anymore? I— I don't know what to feel anymore, is this a relationship?"
"This was never a relationship, Nina," her tone was monotonous, her words broke my heart a little more. "You did whatever you wanted with whomever you wanted and so did I. We were hurting each other."
I stared at her, too afraid of what was to come to think of anything to say. I stared at her as the silence made the air around us so thick that I could barely breathe. I stared until my eyes burnt until my vision got blurry from the tears that are threatening to come out of my eyes.
She was leaving, she had enough.
And it was all my fault.
"I'm tired of pretending," Her lower lip quivered as she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. "We're always pretending not to notice that all we were really doing was hurting each other because you were too afraid to love me. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this hard."
"If I've ever hurt you, which I know in one way or another I have, you know it was never my intention," I spoke up after a long pause, swallowing hard, trying to keep my voice steady. She didn't say anything, she just stared at me while I stared at her shoes, trying to control my own feelings.
"I got accepted," She broke the unbearable silence. I looked up at her, my eyes wide, my heart beating faster, excitement overtaking my body.
"UCL?" I asked, a smile already forming. She nodded. I could tell she was happy, her eyes were glowing, even if she was trying to hide it.
I didn't even care that we weren't on speaking terms, I didn't care about anything at all right at that moment, I just hugged her. I wrapped my arms around her and I let the joy of the moment overcome everything else. It was her dream to go to UCL.
And that's when it clicked.
She had gotten her acceptance letter, she had gotten accepted to a university that was literally 120 miles away from me.
And she knew that too, so it wasn't surprising when she continued by saying, "Distance was never our thing."
She broke my heart a little more with those words and then, Cecily let go of me. We were still close, though, close enough that our noses were just slightly touching. She closed the space between us and slowly brushed her lips against mine, reminding me once again that it was her and only her who could take all the worries, all the pain, all the sadness away from me. Her lips, her presence, her smell, her taste...
"I wish it could've been different," She whispered, her lips brushing against mine as she spoke.
And I wondered, how was it that in just matter of seconds, Cecily Hayes was capable of taking me to heaven and the next second, drop me back to hell.
I was left there, in the staff's bathroom, staring at an empty spot between the first stall and the door. A spot where she stood just minutes ago. I stared until my eyes began to sting, I stared until the tears began to fall.
I stared and I realised that Cecily had just broken up with me for real this time.