The past few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I still couldn’t believe that Camila and I were actually married. That highpoint of my life had quickly been followed by a very low one though. And it had been my fault. The throat infection, discovered on Christmas Eve after I had collapsed, had been extremely rough on me. Staying in the hospital over Christmas was not how I had envisioned my time as a newlywed but I had no right to complain after having been so reckless.
Instead, I did the very best I could and focused on my recovery. As horrible as it felt sometimes, I had to admit that I was sick and needed to take care of myself. Constantly pushing my luck and limits would backfire and I wasn’t going to let that happen again. Not after I had seen how dangerous it was. And not after seeing Camila be so concerned and heartbroken after she found out that I had downplayed my situation. Even though I meant well in my efforts to shield her from my pain, I had to stop doing it to prevent inflicting even bigger pain on her.
And I did. I was completely honest with my wife whenever I felt off or worse. Of course she would worry but at least she knew. She spent almost every minute with me at the hospital until I was released after three days. The holidays were over and I felt guilty for making them so horrific. But the best thing I could do was continuously work on my recovery instead of making myself feel even worse for ruining our Christmas. Camila told me she didn’t care that much anyways. Her priority was my well-being and I knew she meant it.
Thankfully, the work paid off and the infection was gone just before I had another chemo treatment scheduled. Dr. Phelps said it was borderline to continue treatment but I insisted that I would take things easy if we kept regiments. I couldn’t bear the idea of having to start all over again. If that meant I had to really be careful then I would do be. My oncologist was still worried but she agreed to do it after I pleaded my case repeatedly. Camila reassured that she would make sure that I wouldn’t do something stupid again and that made her gave in.
This way I had gotten my chemo meds just yesterday, one day before New Year’s. That meant we wouldn’t get to celebrate another big holiday but there wasn’t much I could do at this point. I would have loved nothing more than going to Times Square with Camila and show her what an amazing party it was every year in New York. Maybe we would get to do it some other year. We had talked about maybe going for a few minutes if I felt up for it but I hadn’t really left the bed since we had gotten back from my treatment yesterday.
I felt worse than I probably ever had. My body was very strained from fighting the infection and now having to deal with another dose of chemotherapy. I genuinely didn’t even have the strength to get up for more than a few minutes at a time. While this would have angered me in the past, now I simply accepted it and let my body take all the rest it needed.
My eyes were closed and I was not asleep but not completely awake either when I felt someone cuddling up to me. I knew it could only be one person and draped my arm around the familiar body. A pair of soft lips placed a soft kiss on my neck as I took a deep breath. I was lying on my back and felt Camila scooting closer, putting one arm around my waist as well. She wasn’t saying anything, just enjoyed being close to me and I did the same. I was too weak to do anything else anyway.
“How are you feeling?”, Camila asked after quite a while.
“Not that great”, I answered truthfully because that was our deal. I had to be honest.
“Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m good right here”, I said with a little smile because her being there was the best remedy of all. “I’m sorry, though.”
“For what?”, Camila sounded surprised and I felt her shifting slightly so she was propped up on one elbow.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go outside for the Countdown”, I explained and finally opened my eyes to see the chocolate ones looking deeply into mine.
“Don’t worry about it”, she whispered and stroked my cheek lovingly. “I’m good right here”, she repeated my words with a smile that made my heart beat faster.
“I just wish we could have ended the year on a better note but I guess this is just as fitting”, I almost sighed.
“It has been a crazy year”, Camila agreed but her fingers kept caressing the side of my face.
“Yeah, you can say that again”, I laughed but my chest ached in the sudden movement. “I mean, can you believe that just about ten months ago we were in this apartment and hadn’t seen each other in four months? You just showed up and threw me for a complete loop there”, I started reminiscing with a bigger smile.
“Oh God, don’t remind me of that fight. You were so mean”, the younger woman smirked and it was incredible that we were able to talk about this now while smiling. At the time, it had seemed like the worst thing in the world. But after everything we had gone through lately, our fight back then seemed like nothing. It was amazing to see how strong we had gotten as a couple. We weren’t perfect and had our problems but I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have her.
“I was being a bitch”, I admitted with a grin.
“Well, you had every reason to be but when you started getting undressed and told me that I was just there because I wanted to sleep with you…I honestly felt sick to my stomach”, she revealed and I remembered all too well how hurt I had felt back then as well.
“Yeah, feels like a lifetime ago, though. It’s unbelievable what can happen in a year”, I said more in thought now. “We made up at Ally’s house, officially became a couple on Sofi’s Birthday, came out publicly, were separated for months at a time with the tour and then I had to go and get cancer also”, I tried joking but wasn’t sure how she would take that last part. To my relief, she smiled and kissed my temple gently.
“That definitely made things a little more complicated”, she responded while her lips formed a soft smile. “But that also made me realize that I didn’t want to wait any more; it made me propose to you. You had surgery, started chemotherapy; we’ve been living together and now actually got married. I don’t know about you but I think we ended this year on a good note. The wedding was…the happiest day of my life and I think we needed a little highlight after that rollercoaster.”
I nodded in agreement and felt my heart jumping in my chest when I remembered that day and heard my wife talk about it in that loving tone.
“Next year is going to be better”, I said full of conviction and saw Camila smiling wider.
“Oh yeah?”, she asked curiously.
“Absolutely. Just a few more weeks of chemotherapy and then we’ll go back to Miami so I can get my radiation done there and recuperate a little more-“, I started before the light-haired one chimed in.
“And you can get a tan again”, she teased.
“Ok, I think I can do that”, I grinned. “But then we’ll finally go to Italy.”
“Where you’ll get an even better tan and I will feed you pizza and pasta because you could use the extra pounds”, Camila kept going and her joyful smile made me even more excited to make all of these things come true.
“Sounds perfect”, I said honestly because the simple outlook of our future was nothing short of perfect to me.
“What about after Italy, though?”, the other voice appeared again. “I mean, do you want to get back to recording and music when you’re back to normal? Do you have any plans?”
“If I’m being completely honest, I haven’t really thought about it”, I answered genuinely. “I’ve never planned that far ahead anyways and if this year has taught me anything then it’s to expect the unexpected.”
Camila seemed ok with that answer and I felt her lips pressing against my temple and eyebrow again before pulling away. I smiled gratefully at her affection started stroking her side. Looking down, I saw that her stomach was a little exposed. Instinctively, I wandered further down and traced her abs lightly.
“Maybe…”, I whispered now while my eyes were fixed on my hand caressing the soft skin. “…I do have an idea what we could do after Italy or next year in general. It would be a shame because it would involve you losing those abs and also gaining a few pounds.”
I looked up carefully and let my palm rest on top of her stomach in hopes she would understand what I meant. The brown orbs seemed confused at first before she apparently realized what I meant. We had talked about it before but I wasn’t sure if she wanted to make such plans right now.
“Little Lauren?”, Camila’s voice was shaky but full of affection when she asked cautiously. The amount of tenderness in her eyes was threatening to choke me up.
“Yeah…or little Camila”, I breathed softly.
“Are you sure?”, the younger one was seemingly unsure if I really wanted it.
“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life”, I gave back sincerely. “If there’s anything in this world, that we’ll never get back then it’s time. And I don’t want to waste any more of it by focusing on things that aren’t even that important to me anymore. I’m not saying that I’m never going to make music again but I can’t wait for our life together when all of this is done.”
The other woman looked teary-eyed and bit her lower lip. I loved seeing her like that because she seemed to be glowing at my words and so I decided to keep going.
“I want you to get fat and moody”, I chuckled and heard her giggle mildly. “And you’ll get even weirder food cravings than you already have…which is pretty impossible but it will be interesting to see, that’s for sure. You will curse me out when I get the wrong food for you. I want to stroke your stomach like this”, my voice softened as I touched the mentioned body part in a tender manner again. “And know that our baby is in there. I want to feel it kick at some point and I will spend an annoying amount of time just talking and singing to your belly, I’m warning you ahead of time.”
I met the warm shade of brown in her eyes once more and saw how touched she was. The brown color was glanced over with a glistening shimmer because she was close to tears. For a second I thought I might have said something wrong but she bent down and connected our lips in a kiss that made my heart burst. There was so much love in that gesture we exchanged a lot. Her lips were almost quivering against mine and I used my hand to cup her cheek. I heard the younger one inhaling deeply after the kiss.
“You have no idea what you’re doing to me when you talk this, do you?”, Camila breathed against my lips as she was still so very close.
“I’m just saying that’s what I would want to do after Italy but…we can always do something else if you don’t want to”, I obviously teased now because it was apparent that she liked the idea of us starting our own family next year. My voice sounded a bit more tired and I felt the fatigue returning unfortunately. Even keeping up a little conversation like this took up strength these days. She laughed quietly but placed another soft kiss on my lips.
“I think your plan sounds perfect…except for the part of me being fat and moody”, she giggled once more and made me laugh as well. The slender body cuddled up to me again and I closed my eyes to relax. I couldn’t help myself but start daydreaming, and eventually actually dreaming, about what that future of us would look like.
The next time I opened my eyes, another few hours had passed according to my watch. Jesus, it was midnight soon and I had slept all day. I sat up slowly and noticed that Camila wasn’t there anymore. She was probably in the living room. I didn’t expect her to sleep as much as I did of course. Maybe I would manage to get up for a little while. I took my time and tried moving subtly to get out of bed without my muscles hurting too much. The pain was not sharp; it was duller but constant which made it extremely exhausting. It felt like being sore after working out but just worse. My legs felt leaden but I stood up and exhaled deeply to gather up some strength.
“You’re up”, I suddenly heard Camila entering the bedroom and saw her smiling.
“Yeah, I think a few minutes are alright”, I said and walked up to her slowly.
“That’s perfect timing actually”, she gave back and I frowned questioningly.
“Why?”
“See for yourself”, the younger one bit her lip and seemed excited which caused my heart to beat faster immediately.
She held my hand as we walked into the living room area with slow steps. My jaw genuinely dropped. There were candles and flowers everywhere; roses to be more specific. Apparently, Camila remembered that I loved red roses a lot and they were distributed perfectly all throughout the apartment in different variations. Either full bouquets, single ones arranged in patterns or in form of rose pedals all over. The dim lights of the candles were creating a romantic but also soothing and relaxing atmosphere. Not to mention it smelled heavenly because of the fresh flowers and candles that left some sort of scent in the air that I hadn’t caught on to yet.
I gulped heavily because it must have taken quite some time to prepare this and maybe it wasn’t so bad that I slept that long. Obviously Camila had been productive in that time. The fire place was even working for the first time ever since we had been here. Until now we hadn’t used it and I was impressed she had managed to do all of this. There were several blankets and pillows spread in front of the fire place as well as some food and beverages.
This was by far one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done for me. My eyes were swelling with tears but I held them back to look at my wife. She was still biting her lower lip and seemed anxious to see my reaction. She smiled as soon as she met my gaze without me having to say that I was overwhelmed.
“Usually, you’re the one for grand gestures so I thought this would be a good time to switch it up a little”, she explained with that impeccable smile of hers while squeezing my hand.
“You didn’t have to do this”, my voice trembled mildly.
“I wanted to do something special to end the year. I expected you to feel guilty because we wouldn’t be able to celebrate in a big way”, the light-haired woman revealed and I was surprised and flattered that she knew me that well. “Do you like it then?”
“It’s perfect”, I answered instantly but truthfully.
“You’re perfect”, she gave back tenderly and I almost blushed at how sincere she sounded saying that.
“Far from it”, I whispered but looked at her more intently. “But for you I really want to be.”
I leaned in and kissed the soft lips. We sat down in front of the fire place and it was incredibly warm. Every little detail was right and I noticed how much energy she actually gave me with that gesture. I felt better with every passing minute that we simply talked and ate. Looking at my watch, we still had some time to maybe make it outside for the Countdown. I really wanted to but I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk for more than a few minutes. Sighing loudly, I wished I could have gathered even more strength to give her at least a few moments at Times Square.
“What is it?”, the husky voice apparently noticed my frustration.
“I just really wanted to go outside for the Countdown at least but I don’t think I would be able to walk for very long”, I explained.
“It’s ok, Lauren. Really, I don’t mind staying in”, she answered and even though I knew she wasn’t lying, I had an idea. An idea I never would have considered a few days or weeks ago but I was slowly coming to terms with my condition. I pointed to an object standing in the corner while the brown orbs followed my finger.
“Are you sure?”, her voice was filled with astonishment.
There was a wheelchair standing in one corner of the apartment because we had gotten it from the hospital. We had only used it after I had been released from the hospital and since then I had barely left the apartment anyway. I would have hated the idea of being wheeled around, and to a certain extend I still did, but if this was my only option then I would consider it.
“I mean, people are going to see and maybe recognize you”, Camila sounded concerned but I knew she was concerned for me after I had kept my illness such a secret from the public.
“I honestly don’t care anymore”, I said genuinely and interlaced my fingers with hers. “The only thing I care about is this. I want to see the fireworks with my wife and if people are going to find out that I’m sick then so be it. At some point they’ll find out. I’m just so tired of hiding and running away.”
The soft smile on the younger ones lips was causing me heart palpitations before she leaned in and kissed me very gently. Her affectionate side was one of the most wonderful things about her. She constantly reassured me that she loved me with the way she looked, touched or kissed me without probably knowing. And being as insecure as I was at times, she helped me immensely in that regard.
It was settled and shorty after voicing my suggestion, we were outside. Being in a wheelchair felt strange and weird at first but I enjoyed the fresh air and all the people around me too much to feel anything other than grateful. I wasn’t sure if we would make it to Times Square and maybe we shouldn’t considering my situation. It was better to pick out a smaller crowd and we found one close to a sushi restaurant that I had taken her to once.
There were only a few minutes left until midnight and I urged Camila to sit down on the blanket in my lap. She hesitated at first but then settled sideways, her legs dangling on the side of the wheelchair with one arm around my shoulders. I noticed a group of teenagers looking at me and it was pretty obvious that they had recognized me. They didn’t come over though. I smiled at them for a moment and they seemed happy with that for now.
“I think this moment deserves a selfie”, Camila snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Oh no”, I groaned. “I look horrible.”
“No you don’t”, she lightly slapped my arm so it wouldn’t hurt of course.
“I have a better idea”, I took her hand and slid off her glove before I did the same.
“What are you doing? It’s freezing”, the younger one complained.
“Jesus, give me a second here”, I grinned and placed our hands on her thigh so our matching wedding rings were visible. Our fingers were interlaced lightly with my hand placed above hers. I took out my own phone and angled the camera perfectly to capture the image of our hands. Camila was quiet now as I adjusted everything to make it perfect. As soon as I had taken the picture, I typed something in and showed it to my wife with a big smile on my face.
“What do you think? They’ll find out anyway and why not give the old harmonizers a little New Year’s gift?”, I smirked while showing her the tweet of the picture with a caption: Happy New Year’s everyone! #laurencabello
“You know you’re going to cause another meltdown”, Camila chuckled almost because we knew how dedicated some of the fans were and the news of us getting married hadn’t gone public yet. This would be quite the surprise but it was better to find out this way then from the tabloids; especially if there was a chance that the news of my illness breaking soon too. I wasn’t naïve and being wheeled around wouldn’t go unnoticed. The chance of someone snapping pictures of me without me knowing and making it public knowledge that I couldn’t walk these days was pretty high. There was some speculation already according to Chelsea because I had been so involved with charity work. And the video of me at the hospital had been fueled more rumors but nothing else. But for now I wanted everyone to have something positive to think about.
I sent the tweet and heard all the strangers around us starting the countdown now. Camila grabbed my phone and started recording while focusing on us.
“…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…Happy New Year!”
It was so loud that I barely heard my own voice, let alone the one of Camila but she cupped my cheek with her free hand while still recording apparently. I smiled at first but then focused on the lips lingering on mine. My arms were wrapped around her waist but I withdrew one hand to tangle it in her light-brown hair. She sighed in pleasure and I applied more suction on her lower lip. We hadn’t kissed this passionately in a while due to my infection and the rough time afterwards.
I realized how much I had missed this and completely forgot about everything else. The loud cracking of the fireworks wasn’t even any of my concern right now. All I wanted and needed was the woman sitting in my lap. I tilted my head slightly and felt her lips parting in expectance already. So I didn’t hesitate and let my tongue brush against her lips teasingly at first before entering the warmth of her mouth. She reciprocated eagerly and let her hand wander to the back of my neck, pulling me in closer in a moment of heated passion. I should have been cold but I was burning up like crazy right now. Actually, I felt warmer than sitting at the fire place before.
Camila moaned quietly before brushing her tongue against mine but then abruptly breaking the kiss.
“Um…”, she panted and giggled almost before turning towards her phone and looking into the camera. I had completely forgotten that she had been filming. “…I think…that’s enough”, she added still a little out of breath and turned it off.
“You didn’t seriously send that, did you?”, I asked with a smirk.
“I didn’t know you were going to go all in”, she answered while chewing on her lip.
“I can’t help myself when I have a hot wife like this”, I complimented and saw her eyebrows rising but cheeks blushing. How could someone be so cute and adorable but hot and sexy at the same time? I’d probably never get it.
“I think I’m actually going to miss New York”, Camila suddenly admitted and adjusted my beanie again after our heated kiss. “We ended up making some good memories here after all, I think.”
“Are you sad to leave soon?”, I asked and was a little surprised to hear that. I thought she couldn’t wait to get back to Miami.
“A little”, she said but smiled again before placing a kiss on my temple. ”Aren’t you?”
“Not really”, I said honestly. “There are so many great things to come. So much we haven’t done yet and this is just the beginning. It might be the end of one chapter but I know that the next ones are going to be even more incredible. You know what they say: All good things must come to an end.”
“I know”, Camila responded softly. “And I am also excited to see what the new year has in store for us.”
She kissed me on the lips again before cuddling up to me. We watched the fireworks and even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, it was the best New Year’s Eve I could have hoped for after having ruined Christmas already. I simply enjoyed being with her, reminiscing old times but also looking forward to the time ahead of us.
————————————————-
Camila’s POV
There was this feeling again. That feeling that my life couldn’t possibly be reality. How was it possible that I was on tour with my personal idol? Just how?! For the past two months I had been touring with Demi Lovato. Whenever I tried wrapping my head around it, it felt like a dream and I was so scared to wake up one day and find out that it was in fact just that. I would wake up and have to go back to the life I had truly hated at times. As strenuous and exhausting as the new lifestyle was, it was way better than anything I could ever imagined before.
Not only was I on tour with my musical idol but I had gained fans and friends all over. I felt it was my personal duty to make our fans feel like friends almost. Their struggles weren’t foreign to me and I was still a fan-girl myself. The most genuine friendships had been formed within in the group though. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without Ally, Normani, Dinah and Lauren. They had become such a big support system to me.
And now that the Neon Lights Tour had ended, I was feeling anxious and almost scared to close that chapter because it had been so incredible. This tour had been different to the others before. I had had so much fun and wasn’t exhausted to a point where I wanted to just sleep for days at a time. A part of me never wanted it to end because I wasn’t sure what was to come. Well, actually I knew that were going to be on a headlining tour during the summer but I had mixed feelings after our last concert tonight.
The girls and I had joined Demi on stage for ‘Give your heart break’ and I rarely remembered having such a blast. I always had fun on stage but this had been on another level. It had been the perfect ending to a great two months.
There was one moment I remembered very vididly. For the majority of the song, Lauren had been standing somewhere in the background or with other people. As much as I hated it, I couldn’t stop myself from always wondering what she was doing. At a certain point during the song, she had been next to me. There had been so much adrenalin and so many endorphins invading my body that I wasn’t thinking. We were doing well lately and it had been instinctual to just throw my hands in the air as soon as I had seen the green eyes meeting mine.
Her smile had been so wide and full of joy that I had felt my own heart rate speeding up even more if possible. The rather cool exterior of the older girl had vanished in that moment of pure bliss and happiness. Before I knew it, we were jamming out on stage and I was reminded of our X Factor days somehow. Actually, it had felt as if we had been just two friends going to a Demi Lovato concert and having the time of our lives.
If things only were that simple, I thought and sighed.
To her, we were just friends. But I had such hard time with it still. I recalled scrolling through tumblr not too long ago and seeing all kind of pictures and gifs of me looking at Lauren during a ‘Who Are You’ performance. Just the memory of seeing that caused another heart attack. Sometimes I was very scared of how obvious I was but I couldn’t control it. That was why I had been so distant for such a long time. I knew that as soon as I would get close to her, there was a risk of me doing those kind of things.
Thankfully, Lauren hadn’t seen it apparently or maybe she didn’t care. She wasn’t too concerned with that stuff online anymore and I admired that. There was definitely growth to be seen in her. While I liked the fact that she didn’t care about the ‘camren’ things as much anymore, that stupid voice in my head said that she didn’t care about me as much anymore either. Like that moment during ‘Who Are You’, where she wouldn’t look back. I should be thankful she hadn’t but I was starting to feel her drift away. Sure, there were moments where I saw the older one caring for me and she probably did but it was obvious that my erratic behavior had caused her to distance herself in time.
I couldn’t blame her obviously. Anyone else would have given up a long time. I was spending most of my time with Dinah anyways and Lauren was closer to Normani and Ally. Or at least they spend more time with each other. Whenever we were together though, there was that warm feeling of familiarity spreading throughout my entire body. Like a couple of hours ago on stage with Demi. Or a moment I remembered during a Meet & Greet recently when Lauren had fixed my hair. God, my heart had been pumping like crazy as soon she had leaned over and suddenly tried tucking my dark hair behind my ear. The small gesture had felt quite intimate if it hadn’t been for the hundred people standing around.
Looking at my phone, I realized that I had been brooding for almost an hour now. Why couldn’t I just forget about her? I sighed loudly once more because my thoughts were dominated by the beautiful girl not too far away. My hand gently opened the curtain of my bunk to see if Lauren was still awake. How was I supposed to forget her when she was in the bunk on the other side?! I noticed a pallid light behind her curtain and assumed she was using her laptop. The temptation was there and I gave in quickly by taking out my phone. It was late and I didn’t want to wake anyone by talking to her. Texting was safer anyway even though it seemed silly considering we were so close.
Camila: Still up?
Lauren: Yeah, I can’t sleep. Tonight was insane and I still feel on a high!
C: Me too! I can’t believe it’s over though :/
L: It’s not over, Camz. Just another chapter closing.
C: Maybe…
L: What do you mean, maybe? Are you worried about something?
C: What if this is as good as it gets for us? I don’t want to be negative but sometimes I’m scared that this will end just as abruptly as it started and I will have to go back to my old life.
L: I get what you’re saying about the quick pace in the business but we’ve done well this far. If we keep working hard there is no reason why we shouldn’t continue growing.
C: I don’t think you can understand what I mean.
L: Try and explain it then.
C: If you go back tomorrow to your old life, you still have everything. You’ll go to college with all of your friends and probably live a life just as amazing as this one. But if I lose this…I don’t even want to think about going back to my old life.
L: There is no old life for you, Camz. You have changed so much from the girl I met at X Factor; in a good way. Essentially you’re still the same person but you are more confident and I see you grow every day. There is not a doubt in my mind that you would have the most fantastic life even if you would go back tomorrow. In case you haven’t noticed, everyone who meets you is so smitten by you it’s unreal! Everyone loves you, Camz. The problem with your old life wasn’t that people didn’t like you; they just didn’t know you because you didn’t know yourself and were too afraid of leaving your little bubble. I’m telling you, if you continue being that person that you are, no reason you should be scared of anything really.
I felt choked up reading the long text message sent by the other brunette in the other bunk. And just how was I supposed to get over her again? I had no idea how to reply now and read the message again before I felt the bus stopping. We were probably at a gas station. Before I was able to text back, I heard steps and opened my curtain to see Lauren walking down the narrow space to get out of the bus. She was probably going to buy something and I didn’t hesitate to get out as well.
Just when I descended the steps of the bus, I realized that I was just wearing my pajamas but I didn’t care at this point. I didn’t see my bandmate but came to a stop in front of some flowers for sale. My eyes landed on a bunch of single roses. I remembered Lauren saying that she thought only one rose was more romantic than a bouquet. Ironically, Luis had sent her a bouquet on Valentine’s Day. I had bought a rose for all the girls back then but Lauren had never gotten hers because Dinah had taken two. Not to mention that Lauren hadn’t been around much that day and I didn’t have the chance to give her one before.
A part of me had been relieved but Dinah had teased the Miami native that she had two and Lauren didn’t have one at all to annoy her. The green-eyed hadn’t made a big deal out of it and it had been one of those moments where I thought she was in fact drifting away from me. It was stupid but that memory caused me to buy a single rose at the gas station along some junk food that I wanted to stash in my bunk.
I was paying for my stuff and still hadn’t seen Lauren when I walked back. My heart stopped for a second when I saw the older one leaning against the bus and flipping through a music magazine she had probably just bought. The green eyes looked up and her lips formed a smile as soon as she saw me. I noticed her almost smirking because of my outfit but I felt a lot more nervous about the floral item in my hands. What the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t just give her a rose?! Oh God, I was mortified now.
“Hey”, I said softly and took a deep breath.
“Hey”, she replied just as gently and her last text message was still embedded in my brain.
“Thanks…for texting me and making me feel better”, I said sincerely and watched the emerald orbs becoming tenderer. For the love of God, how was I supposed to ever get over this when she looked at me like that?
“Any time”, she answered with a faint smile before her eyes dropped and eyebrows furrowed. “Who’s the rose for?”, she asked and almost laughed in surprise of my unusual purchase.
“Umm…it’s actually…”, I mumbled and fidgeted nervously as my cheeks were burning up. “…for you.”
My heart skipped another beat when the eyes of the older girl shot up and looked at me in disbelief. Oh no, this was bad. She gave me this look that I couldn’t quite distinguish. There was definitely confusion in there but I swallowed the lump in my throat quickly.
“I uh…saw them in there and you never got yours because Dinah was greedy and thought…”, I trailed off because the green eyes were still piercing through mine. I seriously wanted to run away right now. Of all the things I had done to make a fool of myself this was probably one of the most embarrassing. The other girls had been grateful and had liked my rose but Lauren wasn’t the other girls.
I hadn’t ignored them for months at a time. I hadn’t asked them to kiss me and then ignored them again. I hadn’t played them hot and cold for months. And it wasn’t Valentine’s Day anymore! Just because I was afraid of losing her didn’t mean she would have to come running back. She cared about me, her text message was proof of that but I really had to stop doing these questionable things if I didn’t want the ‘camren’ thing to become an issue again.
Seconds passed that felt like hours and I would have given everything to know what was going in Lauren’s head. Her eyes were pensive and I knew there was probably a lot going on behind them right about now. But since she wasn’t saying anything, I needed to get over this uncomfortable moment and handed her the rose quickly. I wanted to get on the bus as disappear in my bunk for the rest of my life but she suddenly grabbed my wrist.
“Wait…”, she mumbled and I was the surprised one. “Sorry, you just caught me off guard with this”, Lauren laughed almost nervously and this was something I hadn’t seen her do a lot. “Thank you, that’s very nice of you even though you didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s nothing really”, I chimed in quickly to resolve the weird tension by diminishing the meaning of the red rose now in the other girl’s hand.
“You know, this just reinforces what you I wrote you earlier”, Lauren spoke and smiled a little. “This just proves how thoughtful you are and that’s why everyone loves you. You remember the little things and make an effort to make everyone feel special…and in succession you are the special one.”
My eyes were focused on the girl of my dreams although she was looking down and only slowly lifted her gaze. As soon as I met the emerald orbs, my heart seemed to swell that I was scared it would burst at some point. I knew she had a boyfriend and that I was not in any way an option for her; but moments like those seriously tempted me to just follow the organ pumping in my chest and tell her how I felt. Hell, I wanted to close the distance between us and kiss the skilled lips.
“But like I said”, she interrupted my disturbing thoughts. “You don’t have to worry, Camz. I’m pretty sure we’ll have a lot more to look forward to in the future. I know touring with Demi meant a lot to you but all good things must come to an end. That doesn’t mean there aren’t even better things to come though.”
I nodded and saw her smiling more at ease now. Apparently the awkward moment had passed and I was relieved we got back into the bus. I wished her good night and she did the same before we settled in our bunks across from each other. Closing the curtain quickly, I needed a few moments to recover from what had just happened. My pulse was still going a mile a minute. I noticed that the curtain wasn’t closed fully and wanted to adjust it. But then I saw a silhouette behind Lauren’s bunk. The light of her laptop created it.
My eyes widened slightly. Although I only saw the silhouette or shadow of her behind her curtain very subtly, it looked as though she was holding up the rose. Was she looking at it still? Why? Was she secretly laughing to herself at how stupid that was in comparison to Luis who had gotten her a whole dozen? I closed my own curtain and took a deep breath.
Instead of making myself crazy once again, I pulled out my phone and re-read our text messages. Our conversation outside had me hoping that she was right; that there were more things to come for us. I never would have expected to tour with Demi and that happened. So what if Lauren was right and this was just another stepping stone? I sincerely hoped so. Not just for the success of our career but also because I couldn’t handle the thought of this ever ending and running risk of losing the girl behind the silhouette for good. As confusing, painful and hard it was at times to be around her, it was still a better option than not being around her at all. So, I kept replaying her words in my head that we would have more time together in the future.