Anxiety - a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Anxiety is something I've had for a long time, pretty much my whole life. I've known and know people with it as well. It makes you scared of things, makes you not want to go outside and enjoy the sun because a small part of you is scared of it and in the back of your mind you're freaking out because you're telling yourself that it will fall out of the sky at any moment and hit you on the head or something. Yet, the logical part of me knows that the sun falling out of the sky is impossible because it's actually not 'in' the sky, it's in space and if it were to fall, it would swallow up the entire earth into a fiery death and completely destroy it and everything on earth along with it.
I think I really started getting anxiety around sixth grade, it got increasingly worse as I got older. In first grade, I was considered the class clown and almost always got in trouble for being so loud and not doing my work and disrupting the class until I got into trouble. My mom found out, she came in and sat in the classroom and ever since then, I've been good in a classroom, really quiet. I miss those days though, back when popularity didn't matter and everyone was friends with the people who are considered nobodies nowadays. I remember when I hated going to bed and not wanting to go to bed but now, it's different. I don't hardly ever come out of my room, I want to sleep but can't ever fall asleep because my mind won't shut down enough for me to relax. I remember wearing pink and all these colorful 'girly' clothes but no matter how bad someone wanted me too, I would never wear a dress. I don't care how many times they would ask me. Even though I wore girl clothes, they weren't the girliest things ever, more like pink but tomboyish at the same time. I think when I started wearing 'boy' clothes a lot more is about sixth grade and as I got older, the more I started wearing them. I never was on that was big on makeup or other things that girl like.
In my late seventh grade year and early eighth grade year is when I started to develop depression and let me tell you, anxiety on top of depression do not mix. I can tell you that from personal experience. Also, seventh grade is when I actually realized that I liked girls. I thought I was bisexual. Then, as school and as well as my life, I realized that I only liked girls. I was... I was a lesbian.
Eighth grade was also the times when I first tried self-harming. No one knew, even though I first started on my arm, no one knew because middle school is when I always wore a jacket. Eventually a friend of mine found out, told the school counselor and they made me sign a 'promise not to self-harm' type of contract thing. It was stupid to be honest with you. I stopped for a little while and then started back again except doing it on my thighs or any place on my body that was constantly covered by clothes. I didn't really tell anyone about it after that. To tell you the truth, I didn't care if anyone found out because I was going to do it one way or another. I stopped for a little bit because when my mom found out, she said that if I didn't stop then she would get me admitted to a hospital. I didn't want that so I had to lay low for awhile. And after that, I'm sure you know what I started doing after that.
Around my sophomore year, I pretty much stopped, cried myself to sleep. I had a sad life, at least, that's what it felt like. I felt alone and that I had no one. My mom was always yelling at me. My father was nowhere to be found. I stilled liked this girl, her name was Emerson. She was the prettiest thing I've ever seen. I thought that maybe she could possibly like me back but I found out that she had a girlfriend. Savannah, is her name. I could tell when she found out that I liked her girlfriend, she hated me. She's always give me this glare and her girlfriend would hang out with me, talk to me and she hated it. Soon though, about two to three weeks after her girlfriend started hanging out with me... she started ignoring me and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually, I did find out. Savannah told her that she isn't allowed to hang out with me anymore, Emerson told me it's because Savannah is probably jealous because she's spending all her time with me and not her. I thought it was stupid to get jealous of something like that.
Long story short, Savannah and Emerson no longer talk to me. Emerson hates me, well, they both do. I told them both that they are immature and childish. I thought it was stupid, the way that they were acting. I wasn't out to steal Savannah's girlfriend. Heck, I was just fine being best friends with them. Just being around her made me happy and just being friends was fine by me. They really didn't have to go out and be that immature, you know. Finally, by my junior year, I was completely over them. I mean, it would be nice to be friends with Savannah again. She was a pretty cool friend if I say so myself. I mean yes, sometimes she was rude but you know, she still made me laugh.
Yesterday, I was in the Starbucks over by the school when the last bell rang and one of the workers, a girl who's name I don't know, looked at me and we locked eyes for a minute or two and her eyes were the prettiest things I've ever seen. She looked away when she was taking someone else's order. It made me sad for a split second but then I looked back down at my coffee cup seeing my name written in perfect cursive. It looked almost magical. She's the one that wrote it on there, I watched her. I didn't realize how darn pretty she was until we actually locked eyes with each other. I should have looked at her nametag so I could at least put a name to a face. She looks to be around nineteen or so. After I finished my coffee, I got up and threw away my empty cup when walking out the double doors and headed towards the parking lot where my car was sitting. I got in, drove home and couldn't stop thinking about the girl the whole time.
Today, I'm still thinking about her and how I'm somehow going to go to that coffee shop and how I'm going to try and actually look at her name this time. It's only fifth hour so I have awhile, maybe two hours left since I don't get out of school until ten minutes after three o'clock. It sucks but at least is near the end of the school year. "Tylar, dude, what are you staring at?" I turn and look at Madison, the girl who has been my best friend for God knows how long. "Huh?" She rolls her eyes. "You've been staring at the damn wall for God knows how long." She slightly narrows her eyes. "What are you thinking about TyTy?" I roll my eyes crossing my arms. "Nothing Madison. I was just zoned out." She raised her perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. "Lier. The only time you zone out is when you find someone attractive and can't stop thinking about them." Dang, she knows me so well. Sometimes it's more of a curse than a blessing. "Okay, fine. I'll tell you." She smiles in victory. "I win, again." I let out a quiet giggle at my dorky best friend. "Yeah, yeah. Don't be too happy. It's nothing new for you." She scoots her chair closer when the teacher isn't looking towards the class. "Okay, so yesterday I went to Starbucks and I ordered a coffee." She looks at me excitedly wanting me to go on. "And I got my coffee, the girl who gave it to me wrote my name in the prettiest cursive I've ever seen right? But I didn't really notice what she really looked like nor did I get her name but when I sat down," a smile starts making its way upon my face and I zone out for a second before getting back to my story. "I looked up and we locked eyes for a solid two or so minutes, at least, that's what it felt like. She was so beautiful, I just wish I would have gotten her name and it bugs me that I didn't. I was thinking about going back there and getting another coffee to try and get her name." She slightly bounces excitedly after I finish my story. I wait for her to say something. "Ohmygosh Tylar! We have to go there together so I can see what she looks like and hopefully help you out." My smile grows bigger. "Really, you'd actually help me?" I smile at her thankfully. "Yes, I would. I want to see the girl my best friend has a crush on."
The bell rings and we get up from our desk continuing our conversation about the mysterious girl at Starbucks and how she wants to see what she looks like and I want to see what she looks like and get her name. "So, since we both have different classes for last period, I'll just meet you by your car. Okay?" I nod my head. "Alright, if I'm not there it shouldn't take me to long to get out there." We hug before heading off to our sixth hour class. Of course, we do have the same sixth hour but hugging is like our secret handshake of understanding we've always done. When we got in there, we took our seats. Sadly we sit on opposite sides of the room so we couldn't talk about a plan or anything. I think we will pretty much just get coffee, look at her name tag then go sit down. The reason both of us are getting coffee is one, the coffee is really good and two, it's just incase one of us doesn't get her name the first time. I think it's a pretty good plan.
After sixth hour is over, I tell her about the plan when heading to our lockers which are thankfully beside each other and she smiles liking the plan. Let's just hope it works. "I'll see you after seventh." I smile at her. "Yeah, let's just hope this works Mad." She nods her head in agreement before we both head to our classes. I get in and take a seat. Jackson the idiot without a brain, sits beside me trying to act cool. Why does he have to sit by me? Why? "Hey cute stuff." I roll my eyes. "What do you want now Jackson?" I scoffs. " I never ask you for anything." I glare at him. "You asked me if I would do your homework last week and when I said no, you tried to copy my paper and got us both in trouble." He rolls his eyes obviously not caring about anything I just said. "Well, that was last week. The past. I was actually wondering if you'd go out with me." I bite my lip trying not to laugh. "Go out with you?" He nods his head. "Yes, will you go out with me?" My face falls to a neutral expression. "No." I turn away from him taking out my notebook looking through it. "What do you mean no?" I sigh before turning and looking at him. "I mean no, I do not want to go out with you Jackson. I would never, in my life, go out with someone like you." He frowns looking away from me. "Fine. You're probably a lesbo anyways." I roll my eyes ignoring his comment.
The final bell rings and I head out to my car seeing Madison standing there by the passenger door looking up at me. "You will not believe what just happened to me seventh period." I say to her slightly annoyed. "Oh what happened? It must be something good because you don't look happy about it." I open the driver side door getting out my keys and unlocking her door, and she and I both get in and shut our doors at the same time. We both sit there for a minute before I speak. "Jackson Mell asked me out." She looks at me with eyes so wide they might fall out of her skull. "WHAT." I start laughing. "I'm not kidding. He asked me out." She starts laughing as well. "Oh wow. That's the best thing I've ever heard."
We shut our doors and head off to Starbucks. "You ready TyTy?" I turn off my car after pulling into the parking lot and parking into a space close to the building. We both get out and shut our doors and I press the lock button on the keys. We head up to door and open them. "I can't believe we're doing this."
A/N: Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll have chapter 2 up as soon as possible. I'm halfway done with it, I think it's almost finished. Also, I'll try to keep the AN's to a minimum. If something changes, I'll post it on my profile instead of the story. So make sure to follow me so you're up to date with everything. If you liked this chapter, make sure to vote for it. Comment what you think is going to end up happening and share if you really enjoyed the story.
Until next time.