this chapter gets intense, if you're sensitive to suicide you may not want to read this
but nonetheless, here's the chapter :)
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"I'm fine" was a phrase I said often.
As anyone could guess, it is a complete lie.
I'm not fine.
I was never fine.
I will never be fine.
So when I said to Colby "I'm fine" I was the opposite, I was freaking out.
I wasn't okay.
I wanted nothing more than to punch Jess in the face and fly back to LA, but I couldn't.
I don't have superpowers and I can't make things go the way I want to.
So I just sat there and pretended everything was fine.
Colby nodded and went back to eating his breakfast.
Nobody noticed anything was wrong.
I had to tell myself everything was alright.
Because to them, it was.
We finished eating and I went to pay for the check, when I realized, I didn't know how to.
Even though I was embarrassed, I leant over to Colby and whispered into his ear,"how do you pay for this?"
He looked at me.
"You mean paying for the meal?"
I nodded in response.
He chuckled, "don't worry, I'll pay."
He went to pull out his wallet.
I put my hand on his arm to stop him. "Colby, no it's alright, I got it, I just don't know how to pay."
"Riley, I'm paying." He said as he continued to take out his wallet.
"Are you sure?" I asked,"you don't have to."
"I'm sure." He said as he pulled out a 50 dollar bill.
He set it on the table and for a minute I was okay.
Until as we started leaving I saw Jess' car in the parking lot.
Her car brought back memories, terrible memories.
It started to get hard to breath but I ignored it and no one noticed.
Except Cora.
She always noticed when things like this happen to me.
She noticed in the restaurant, she just never said anything.
She knows who Jess is and what she's done to me.
She knows all the dirty things that have happened to me, and she comforts me.
Cora doesn't deserve any of what's happening to her.
I need to go finish college as fast as possible.
I know when college starts but ok don't even know what day it is today.
As we were helping Cora get into the car I asked Colby what day it was.
"It's uh," he pulled out his phone,"it's June 30th."
(a/n I meant to write this in June but now it's September THATS LITERALLY HOW MUCH I PROCRASTINATE LMAO KMS)
I hugged my mom and said bye and she did the same to Colby.
"Riley, you should show Colby around the city, you know?"
"That could be fun." I said and Colby nodded.
"Make sure to show him Hickory Park!" she said as she got into her car.
Colby and I got into his car and started driving around the city.
***
Now it was hours later.
We just spent the whole day goofing off and now we get to go where I really want to take him.
I turned down the radio that was blasting.
"Hey, do you need some video footage?" I asked him.
He briefly looked at me before turning his eyes back to the road.
"Will it get me views?" he chuckled.
"How does an abandoned mall sound?"
He looked back at me.
"Amazing."
***
The sun was setting when we arrived, we got out of the car and I stared at the pale blue building.
"Is there and security or anything?" Colby asked as we started walking to the building.
"No, but do you want to record as we're walking so I can explain?"
"Ya," he replied as he turned on his camera.
He faced it towards him.
"What's up guys! Today I'm here with Riley," he faced the camera to me and I waved at it. "And today we are exploring an- actually, I'm gonna let Riley say what we're doing because I really don't know."
He handed the camera to me.
I faced it towards me and just started talking.
At this point I don't care if I get hate for being with Colby, I'm just so eager to get to the mall.
"So basically, I grew up in Florida, and this was my childhood mall, well, in 2010 there was a giant fire. It destroyed most of the building and they started to reconstruct the inside. They stopped once one of the workers died, from an "unknown" cause. Everyone knows that he and his buddy were drunk and he fell into the machinery, but they don't want to be sued." I looked at Colby's face and his eyes were wide. I laughed and went back to talking,"anyways, ever since that the mall has been closed, and back when I went to high school Sam and I used to come here after school, it was our little hangout place."
I looked over at Colby.
"So you know like the entire inside layout?" He asked.
"Yup, like the back of my hand, but we can't go through the main entrance just yet because I need to show you the roof first."
He replied with "okay" as followed me to the back of the building.
I handed him his camera back and opened the rusted door. It creaked as it opened and revealed a staircase.
"These are the stairs to the roof." I said as I started to climb them.
Colby followed behind me and closed the door behind him, which made the entire stairwell dark.
"It's so dark!" Colby whisper-yelled as we started walking up the stairs.
"Why are you whispering?" I laughed.
"I thought we had to whisper for some reason." He replied and laughed.
I laughed too and we kept climbing to the top of the stairs as Colby was filming.
We made it to the top where there was another metal door.
"You aren't ready for this." I said as I opened the door.
The door creaked as I opened it and we stepped out onto the roof.
The sun was setting and it was so beautiful.
On one side of the roof was a view of the beach and on the other side was the city.
This was the best time of day to be here, I always used to come up here and just watch the sunset and think.
"This is so pretty." Colby said as he looked around in awe.
"Ya, I wanted to show you this because this roof, as stupid as it sounds, holds a lot of meaning to me." I replied.
I walked over the the wall which had the door that we came out of and pointed at the big "SAM + RILEY WILL RULE THE WORLD" graffitied on it.
"You guys really did that!" He laughed and looked surprised.
"Yup," I nodded and slid down the wall,"Sam and I always used to come up here and just watch the sunset and talk."
"This place is so fucking cool." Colby said as he walked around and recorded everything he saw.
We rounded the corner of the roof and looked at the other side of the wall. There was so much graffiti on it.
"Everything that's graffitied on this roof was made by Sam and I, everything holds a special meaning to me, each one is a memory."
"Aww." Colby said as he panned the wall full of graffiti.
I pointed at one that depicted an arm and a big red X on it.
"That was when Sam broke his arm." I laughed and Colby laughed too.
I pointed at one that was of a giant music note.
"That was when we wrote our first "song" and sung it up here." I laughed remembering our stupid song.
I walked over to the end of the building and Colby followed me.
"And that's the city." I said and started at the beauty of it.
"This place is awesome what the fuck, how did you guys find this place?" Colby said.
"What do two rebellious teens do in their free time? They explore."
Colby nodded.
We stared for a little bit longer before Colby asked,"was that made by you guys too?"
I looked at Colby and he was pointing to the floor.
He was pointing to a big red X that had the words "I'm sorry" next to it right at the edge of the building.
+++
Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion.
I felt like I was running in slow motion.
My heart was beating at 1,000 miles and hour.
I wiped my tears as the wind blew my hair to the left.
The full moon shined bright as I sprinted across the empty parking lot.
I reached the door and sobbed as I flung it open.
I ran up the stairs and slid down the wall and threw my spray paint can onto the ground. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head in my hands as I cried uncontrollably.
Snot was dropping out of my nose as I screamed and ran my hands through my hair.
My world was ending.
I could barely breath.
My head was pounding as I shakily stood up.
I wiped my nose with my black jacket and picked up my spray paint can.
I walked over to the other side of the roof and kneeled down.
Tears blurred my vision as I sprayed a big X next to the edge of the building and sloppily wrote the words "I'm sorry" next to it.
I threw the can onto the floor and rubbed my face as I cried harder than I ever had before.
"He's really leaving." I mumbled to myself.
I looked over back to the X and walked over to it.
I stood on top of it and peered over the edge.
There was a good 70 feet between me and the ground.
I could barely see because of the tears in my eyes.
Everything was blurry as I counted down in my head.
5
4
3
2
Just then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me.
They pulled me from off the edge of the building as I screamed and kicked to get away.
"RILEY NO!" They screamed as they pulled me back to the other side of the roof.
"STOP! I WANT TO DIE!" I screamed back as I fought to get free.
I sobbed as they forced me down.
"RILEY STOP!" He shouted as he cried.
"SAM I CAN'T DO THIS!"'I screamed back and I tired to push him away.
"RILEY YES YOU CAN!" He put his hands on my face so I would look at him.
"SAM I CAN'T LOSE YOU TOO!" I cried as I stopped fighting back.
"RILEY, YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT, I KNOW YOU WILL. YOU'RE SUCH A STRONG GIRL, YOU CAN DO THIS, I BELIEVE IN YOU!" He shouted.
I stared at him before launching myself onto him and hugging him. I cried so loudly and so did he.
We stayed in each other's arms for so long.
Then Sam told me something I'd never forget.
It changed my life.
He gave me a speech about why my life is important.
He told me why I need to live.
Why I'm important.
And how we will meet again, no matter what.
That speech changed my life forever.
+++
That was the night Sam told me he was moving to Kansas.
We were a mess.
We were two teenagers afraid of losing their other half.
Sam's speech literally changed me entire life.
If he hadn't said that speech, I wouldn't have stopped myself from jumping off the same spot a week later.
I was standing on the X a week after Sam moved away and cried as I contemplated jumping.
Then I remembered Sam's speech and I stopped myself.
I didn't kill myself for him.
But Sam doesn't know that.
He doesn't know that I almost killed myself after he moved.
And that he stopped me for a second time.
To some people, it my be stupid to try to commit suicide from your friend moving away.
To me, Sam moving away was the literal end of my world.
Sam was the only person who cared about me besides my mom and Cora.
He's the only one who stands up for me and who protects me.
He's the only one who sees past my flaws and imperfections.
He's the only true friend I've ever had.
So him moving away was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I teared up and smiled.
"It's just a stupid inside joke." I lied.
We walked back over to the other side of the roof.
"Now, for the fun part." I smirked.
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omg I haven't updated in a while but wow, that was intense
hope you guys enjoyed!
ALSO 3 OF MY IBFS MET EACH OTHER AND THEY MET SAM AND COLBY AND IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM! ALL THEIR PICTURES WERE CUTE AS FUCK AND AWWW IM SO HAPPY!!
💗