I layed in bed wide awake starring up at the ceiling. It was 3:00 in the morning. I was wide awake and misha was sound asleep. I was fighting the urge to go get a drink. I had to leave for some dumb rehab program in the morning and I was certainly not ready. I would have to be away from misha for who knows how long. Could be days, weeks, months. Hell, it could even be a bloody year. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
After misha finally talked some sence into my drunk mind, he set this whole thing up for me. I told him I didn't want to go, that I could handle all this myself and get better on my own, but he said no. He set it up anyway. Even though I still brought liquor into the house. I'd find a way. Once you get addicted to something it's really hard to stop. You get into this, this rythm of things that just sticks. You have a couple drinks, get drunk, sleep, wake up, eat and repeat. It's a cycle of madness. You only ever go down hill. And this whole thing started becayse of stupid Vicki.
Vicki hurt another person. She hurt me which caused me to hurt the love of my life. She basically murdered our baby. I know I had a miscarriage before which then provided risk of another, but I had a feeling that it wouldn't happen. That misha and I would of had that baby, got his own kids back and lived happily ever after. The apple pie life. But that wasn't the case at all. She just had to push the wrong buttons and get me pissed. She just had to start the whole dilemma. This is all her fault and I don't care what anyone says. Sure there were no charges, just warnings, but I believe she should of been punished for killing my baby. My baby! And now I became an alcholic and I won't even be at the last court date because of all this.
All the drama and other set backs kept pushing the date further and further away. They can't change the date anymore so now the final set date is when I'll be in rehab. I won't be there to defend myself and misha, I won't be there to see the finial verdict with my own eyes. I won't be able to support the man I love if everything goes down hill because of me. Because of the choices I made. They could have a huge effect on the trial. The judge may see me as an unfit mother. They may even say that if misha and I try for another baby, they might take it away! I wouldn't be able to handle that either. I can't handle any of this stuff right now. I'm so stressed and anxious I'm about to scream!
I sighed and stood up from the bed, looking down at the sleeping misha. He had a frown on his face and what looked like tear streaks. Probably a bad dream. I hung my head low and walked out of the room quietly, shutting the door behind me and walking to the kitchen. I squated infront of the sink and opened the cabinet underneath, reaching back and grabbing my hidden bottle of whiskey. I grabbed a glass as well and sat at the kitchen table. The room was dark except for a small amount of moonlight that poured in through the small cracks of window that weren't covered by curtains. I sighed again as I poured some of the contents of the bottle into the glass.
"Why am I still doing this?!" I quietly scolded myself. I took a swig and placed the glass back on the table.
"That's a good question." My head shot up as Misha stood in the sliver of moonlight the kitchen held. I frowned and placed my now empty glass down on the table.
"You followed me down here, didn't you?" Misha nodded.
"I woke up from a nightmare and you were gone. I thought it came true." I raised an eyebrow but kept quiet as he continued to speak.
"In the nightmare you drank yourself to death infront of me, your brother, your friends and family. Even your children. Our children. They watched their mother die. The only mother that truely cared about them. They were heart broken. I was heart broken. I can't loose you. Don't you understand that?" His voice broke with the last few sentences. I frowned and looked down at my glass, keeping my mouth shut.
"You're all I have. You're my life, my world. My true love. We had a future planed. Remember what that future was? We were going to try for a baby, buy a house, get my kids back and get married. We almost had that. We were so, so close. But your anger and my ex got in the way and ruined it all. Then the booze came to the party and ruined you. It threw our once nearly perfect relationship in the garbage. I know you don't want to go to this rehab program but you have to. And if you don't, I'll do something I'll always regret." I gulped at his words. He was right, right about everything. I hated myself even more because of how right he was.
"What...what would you do?"
"If you continue drinking and don't get better, I will break up with you. And I won't come back. I'll stay away this time."