Hey peoples, so, I'm not new to wattpad, I've written a handful of stories on her before under other usernames. But this is my first time writing a queer love story and I wanted to separate it from my other works (which I wrote super early on in my life and way before I came out).
I want to make it clear that this story will be a super slow burn romance and there will be a some allusions to mental illness, self harm, abuse, and so on. I will put a trigger warning before those moments just to ensure that you all are staying safe.
There is a scene in this chapter where Emery is having a major panic attack, so if that in anyway will trigger or bother you, it's way towards the end. ENJOY!
Summary: The one where Emery can't breathe
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THREE
I stared dumbfounded at the scene unfolded before me. Sawyer's hands explored the girl's body leaving me to watch painfully. The other girl's hands tangled in Sawyer's hair pulling her closer; my girlfriend didn't protest. My heart ached in my chest and bile rose up my throat. I couldn't get my body to move, I was stuck to this spot, eyes never looking away.
"Emery! You gotta try this sh--" Carmilla stopped dead in her tracks as she noticed my frozen state. She followed my line of sight, landing on the make out session that had me tethered to my spot. "You have got to be kidding me!" She shouted, causing Sawyer and company to break apart. Sawyer immediately recognized the voice and turned toward us. Her eyes widen in shock and horror, mouth flapping open and closed trying to find words. All that came out was a weak muttering of my name.
"Emery..." Sawyer gasped. Before she could say anything more, I pivoted on my heel, taking Carmilla's hand tugging her away. I was moving rapidly, my heart pounded in my chest. Each heavy thud sounding in my ears so loud that I could barely hear my own thoughts. I pushed past crowds of people praying that I would lose Sawyer in them. My feet didn't stop until I was at the outskirts of party where there weren't as many people. I tried my best to catch my breath but it kept getting stuck in my throat and I found myself choking. Tears flowed fast down my face creating rivers under my eyes. My legs crumbled forcing me to the ground and Carmilla's arms wrap around me holding me close. Her hand gently rubbed my back as she muttered soothing words.
"Just breathe, Emmie," Carmilla murmured in my ear. "Will you be okay while I go find Aurora?" I nodded numbly as I began to breath normally again. She pressed a kiss to my temple and swiftly navigated through the throngs of people back into the house. I tucked myself into a ball hoping that no one would come near me. The scene of Sawyer's lips attached to another girls forever burned into my mind; I watched it in my head on repeat. My stomach churned as their moans fill my head. When my eyes close it's all I see and I can't help but feel sick to my stomach. Before I could stop it, my head ends up in a bush next to me and I threw up to the point of dry heaving trying to rid my body of everything I witnessed.
I was slumped against a tree when Carmilla found me again. She had Aurora and Sophie in tow. I looked at them all and felt their pity radiating toward me. Carmilla helped me to my feet clasping her hand in mine. Aurora followed suit and Sophie moved behind me as they led me out of the party and to the car.
We were nearly to the car when footsteps came running toward us. "Wait, Emery!" Sawyer's voice assaulted my ears and I had to stop the sob that was bubbled up. She came to a stop in front of us, a look of panic written on her face. She gazed at me sadly, "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to--" Her sentence got cut off quickly.
"Didn't mean to? What exactly were you trying to do then?" Carmilla snapped, "Were you looking for lost treasure in the back of that girls mouth?" Sawyer glared at Carmilla, an angry fire lit behind her eyes.
"I'm talking to Emery, not you," Sawyer snarled back.
"No, you're not," Aurora stepped in. "Emery is a mess and we are taking her home. If you wanna talk to her, do it another time." Her voice stern and authoritative, she was not to be messed with right now. She may be the sweet one, but she was fiercely protective.
"Emmie," Sawyer whispered, her eyes searching mine, trying to plead me to talk to her. I felt my heartbeat quicken as our eyes met. My throat tightened as she looked at me, tears brimmed in her eyes. Maybe another day, in another circumstance, I would have done anything to keep her from crying; to comfort her. But not today.
"Don't," I choked out. "Please, Sawyer, leave me alone." My heart broke as I watched a tear slide down her face before I let Carmilla lead me into the back of Aurora's car. I closed my eyes, not daring to look at Sawyer as the car pulled away for fear that I would jump out and forgive her. My body was buzzing from the alcohol and the confrontation with Sawyer. I could hear the sound of the car moving swiftly along the road, but my thoughts were louder than anything around me. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that Sawyer would cheat on me. It never even crossed my mind as a possibility. We were in love, we planned our future together. It didn't make any sense to me.
"How can someone be in love one minute and be cheating on you the next?" I thought to myself in distress. I tried to find the moment in time where I went wrong and lost her, but I couldn't. There wasn't one, not really anyway. Maybe it was the moment I started to push everyone away, but I didn't even push her that far before she went on vacation. I might have been a little more distant, but it still didn't make sense. Sawyer was in Europe with barely any signal or data to even talk to me. "What changed? Where did I go wrong," I continued to ponder when voices began to break through my thoughts.
"Ugh! The nerve of that girl," Carmilla groaned loudly, breaking the silence in the car. "I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind, I can't believe she did that to you!" I felt her body shaking next to me, her breathing ragged as her rage increases. "What kind of a person comes back from vacation and just conveniently doesn't tell her girlfriend so she can get it on with another women?" She ranted, a string of curse words flew out of her mouth, and I swear a trucker would have been damn proud at the moment.
"I think you need to breathe, Carm," Aurora spoke up from the driver's seat. Carmilla grumbled from her spot next to me. "We're all mad, but Emery is really hurting and I don't think she appreciates your temper tantrum."
"Someone has to say something!" Carmilla shouted back, "You're all acting so calm like our best friends heart didn't just get stomped on." I flinched at her words, receding back into my head. I saw Sophie shoot me a sympathetic look and a small smile letting me know she was there. I managed a weak smile back.
"I'm just saying Emery needs us to be there for her, she doesn't need us to be arguing or cursing her girlfriend into the next century," Aurora reasoned calmly. As my mind began to wonder, I found myself being pulled away from the conversation at the mention of my girlfriend again. Hearing the word made me realize that Sawyer was still technically my girlfriend. We hadn't broken up. My heart rate began to pick up again and my body trembled. The image of Sawyer pushing a girl against a wall, her hands exploring someone else's body. Hands that were supposed to be on my body; that have explored my body in ways no one ever had before. Every moment I spent with Sawyer flies through my mind at rapid pace. Every kiss, every touch, every laugh. A montage of happiness flashed in front of my eyes like a television screen only to be shattered by the moment I witnessed mere minutes ago. The smiles turn to tears and the kisses turn into the other girl. It all got tainted because of this one thing.
Sawyer's teary eyed face popped into my mind pushing my thoughts back towards her. I want to run to her, to hold her in my arms and forgive her. I want to kiss her tears away and tell her I love her. I want to tell her it was my fault, I shouldn't have been so distant. All my thoughts bombarded my head, pushing and pulling me in several directions at once. Nothing could stop them. I couldn't think clearly. I had completely lost control of my body, it wasn't my own anymore; it felt like I was on autopilot, barely remembering to breathe. Everything went numb. The voices of my friends became muffled like I'm submerged under water. Time slowed and then stopped altogether. My mind played the scene in my head on repeat as if I didn't already have it memorized. Each second that passed slowly by brought me further away from reality. I was watching everything happen around me but none of it was fully registering. Trapped in my own mind, an island full of pain and desperation drawing me toward its rocky, unforgiving beaches. The waters I tread shaking everything up, trying to drown me in thoughts of self-loathing and pity. I couldn't find my way back to the shores of reality, I was stranded in the midst of an ocean with danger lurking under and around me.
"Pull over!" I screamed quickly, my breathing ragged. Aurora pulled the car to the side of the road without question and I pushed myself out of the car. I dry heaved into the grass on the shoulder of the road, the world spinning on its side and my body floated above it all. Someone placed their hand on my back, rubbing in calm circles.
"Try to breathe," Aurora consoled me. "You're okay, everything is going to be okay." I shook my head.
"I can't feel anything," I managed to squeak out. "I'm not in my body." I couldn't hear anything again, everyone's voices faded into the background. I somehow ended up sitting in the passenger seat with Sophie squatting in front of me, her eyes scanning my face.
"Emery, can you hear me?" She asked, her voice sounding far off. "Emmie." I blinked a few times trying to clear the fog out of my head. I nodded slowly. "Will you try something with me? I do it for my sister sometimes and it helps her a lot."
"Okay."
"I'm gonna try and ground you, okay?" I nodded once more before Sophie began. "Name me 5 things you can see." I tried to focus, looking for the things in my surroundings. I slowly started to see what's actually happening around me.
"Your face, Aurora, those big trees, my legs, and the grass," I mumbled quietly.
"Name 4 things you can touch," Sophie persisted, her hands falling on my knees
"My hair, the seat fabric, the car door, and your hands."
"Three things you can hear."
"My breathing, the cars passing by, and your voice." Sophie smiled at me, and I found myself smiling back.
"Almost done, what are two things you can smell?"
"The alcohol on your breath and the exhaust from the car."
"And one thing you can taste?" Sophie finished.
"The vomit from earlier," I cringed. I could feel my heart rate slowing way down and my body wasn't shaking nearly as much. My breath came easier than before. Everything was much less muddled. I threw my arms around Sophie, pulling her into a tight hug. "Thank you." She just nodded, hugging me back, giving me the contact I needed in that moment. I was not fully back in my body, but I was more control over myself. Taking a deep breath, I let go of Sophie and stood again.
Carmilla and Aurora shared an apprehensive look before coming towards me scooping me into a big group hug. "We were so worried," Carmilla admitted. After a long moment, we all agreed it's time to go home and get some sleep. We piled back into the car and silently rode to my house. My hand was locked in Carmilla's, every now and again she squeezed it to let me know she was there. I was grateful for it more than anything. For now, thoughts of Sawyer were gone, all that swam through my mind is the appreciation I felt for the girls in the car. In the midst of the mayhem of the night, I found peace of mind knowing I have them. I knew people would come and go, and the sun would always set, and the world would keep on spinning with or without you. But, if you were lucky enough, you would find friends that would help push you forward when all you wanted to do was let the world leave you behind.
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Hello again,
please let me know what you all think, I would really like some feedback and opinions!