Jacob's P.O.V.
I didn't think I would actually do it, but fuck it felt really, really good. It scared the hell out of me that I was developing this strong urge to hurt myself, to mark up my skin and to change the way I looked. I didn't want to do that though, I really didn't want to do something to myself that would make me look different, but the urge to do that had gotten really bad last night. I read some more of Axel's journal and that had really pulled me deeper into my depressive episode.
I wasn't thinking last night, that's the only excuse I really had for locking myself in the bathroom with a pair of scissors. What I did to myself didn't look all that great at all, but it's not like I was truly thinking about that as I held the scissors in my dominant hand. I just did what I wanted to do and I didn't really think about it until it was over and I was crawling into my bed and stuffing my face into a pillow.
I still hadn't really acknowledged what I had done yet, but I had to because Winston had texted me and told me he was waiting outside on the front porch. He was surely going to have something to say and I was honestly both nervous and scared on what he was going to tell me. It took me forever to walk my ass downstairs and open the front door, but once I finally did it, I knew there was no going back. I did what I did and now I was going to just have to deal with it.
Once the door was opened, Winston looked up from his phone and I watched him, noticing the way his smile faltered a bit when he took the time to look me over.
"You... Cut your hair?"
For some reason a wave of insecurity washed over me, I was suddenly really worried that Winston didn't like what I had done to myself.
"Yeah, I'm sorry if you don't like it. I was really deep into one of my depressive episodes and I really had the urge to cut something..." I said, my voice dying down with every single word that I spoke.
"So you cut your hair?"
"It's better than my skin..." I whispered, my gaze dropping down to the floor. I pretended like the hardwood was the most fascinating thing in the world so I wouldn't have to see the way Winston was looking at me. He was just standing there, he hadn't even spoken, so I knew that he obviously felt some type of way about how I looked now. I huffed in annoyance, deciding that I wasn't going to just stand here and let him judge me. "Look it's just hair, okay? It'll grow back, it's not like it fu-" "I am so proud of you".
"What?" I asked, looking up at Winston, he was smiling at me.
He carefully placed his hands on either side of my head and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I didn't move as he then wrapped his arms around me, giving me a hug. "I said that I am so proud of you".
"Okay, but why?" I said, my voice muffled since my face was pretty much stuffed into Winston's chest. I took a deep breath and breathed in the scent of him, I could smell the laundry detergent he used to wash his clothes with, but I could also smell his body wash too. The two smells were an odd combination, but surprisingly they complimented one another.
"You didn't do the one thing that you really wanted to do" he explained, "I don't know what it's like to have the urge to want to hurt myself, you know? But I'm sure that it can be really hard to ignore it, right?"
I nodded my head a little, but I didn't speak.
"So that's why I'm proud of you, I'm proud that you didn't hurt yourself, Jacob. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through your depressive episode, you know I would've been there if you called me, right?"
I nodded my head again, "yeah".
"So why didn't you call me, babe?"
"Well I thought you liked the nickname Winnie".
Winston laughed a bit before pulling away so he could look at me, his smile had become a bit sad looking. "Come on, Jacob, I'm serious, why didn't you call me last night?"
Weakly, I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't... I don't know, well I mean, I do know... It was just... It was like two o'clock in the morning and I knew you were asleep, I didn't want to wake you, you know? Who wants to get up and drive across town at two in the morning?"
"Someone who wants to make sure that their boyfriend is okay" Winston answered, "that's who, I would've showed up. You don't have to be worried about what time of day it is, you can call on me and I'll be there, okay?"
I nodded my head a little, "okay".
Winston kissed my forehead.
"Does it look bad?" I quietly asked.
"Your hair?"
I nodded my head again.
"No, just looks like you cut it yourself".
"So that means it looks bad, thanks, Winston" I huffed.
"You're still cute though" he shrugged his shoulders, "I could touch up the back for you?"
"Yes, please".
I lead Winston up to my room and handed him the scissors that were still resting on the nightstand. I sat down on the bed with my back towards Winston and kept my head forward so he could easily trim my hair.
"How did visiting Axel go?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "it went okay, I guess. I ran into Chresanto when I first got there".
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, he looked pretty upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that I should stop pretending to care about him because I had made it pretty clear before that I didn't".
"Is that true?"
"No, it's not, I don't think I've ever said that I didn't care about him. I know I've said that I don't care about him the same way I did before, but saying that doesn't mean that I don't care about him at all anymore".
All that could be heard for a moment was the sound of the scissors cutting my hair because I was waiting for Winston to say something.
"So do you want to let him know that?"
"Yeah, kind of. I don't want him to think that I don't give a shit about him".
Winston hummed softly.
"If I... If I talk to Chresanto, would that make you uncomfortable?"
"Not uncomfortable per se, more like a bit wary".
"Oh".
"I'm not going to stop you from talking to him though, if you want to talk to him, then you can. You know I don't like feeling as if I'm keeping you from doing anything that you want to do".
Winston was so nice to me, I really didn't deserve him.
I let him finish touching up my hair and once he was done, I stretched out so I was laying on my bed. I patted the space beside me so Winston could join me. Once he did, I picked up Axel's journal and flipped the pages until I got to where I had left off in reading. I had read some more of the entries here and there, mostly all of them were pretty pointless and irrelevant.
I met this guy. His name is Chresanto. I found him smoking a cigarette by the bleachers. I asked for one and he stared at me before asking if I had smoked before. I lied and told him yes because I knew he wasn't going to give me one if I had said no. We didn't talk after he gave me the cigarette and lit it for me.
Once he finished smoking, I could tell he was getting ready to leave. I asked him his name and he told me it was Chresanto, then he left. I'm not sure if I'll see him again or not.
I turned the page to the next entry and continued to read on.
This Chresanto guy is an ass, but I don't really mind that much. Today he wasn't alone when I showed up to the bleachers. There were these two other guys there, Rayan and Elijah. They both seem pretty cool, I spoke to them some, but I didn't learn enough about them for me to really gauge what they're like as people. All I know so far is that Ray likes art and Elijah's really upbeat. I like the both of them though, and from what I can tell, they're both really close.
Back to this Chresanto guy though, he seems rough around the edges. I don't know if he's always like that or if he was just having a bad day. He gave me another cigarette when I asked for one though. When they left, Elijah and Rayan were thoughtful enough to say bye, but Chresanto just walked away. I don't know what his deal is.
Even though I had read the whole entry, I didn't turn to the next page. I placed my head on Winston's shoulder and hummed in content when he began to run his fingers through my hair.
"You okay?"
"Yeah" I answered, "I'm okay".
"You don't want to read anymore?"
I nodded my head, "I do, just... Taking a break".
I turned my head so I could peer up at Winston. He was already looking at me, so we ended up looking each other in the eye.
"Your eyes are seriously so pretty" I complimented. "I would probably stare at them all day if I could, but I can't and that would be kind of weird if I did".
Winston laughed a little, "thanks, Jacob, and you're seriously so pretty".
I rolled my eyes and turned my head so I wasn't looking at him anymore.
"You sap".
"You just told me my eyes were 'seriously so pretty' yet I'm the sap here?"
"That is correct".
I jerked my body away from Winston when he suddenly poked me in my side. I looked at him and watched as he smiled at me. Before I could tell him not to touch me, he was already beginning to tickle me with his fingers. My body squirmed underneath his touch and I laughed at the feeling of being tickled.
I brought my hand up and tried to swat Winston's hands away, but he was good at avoiding my attempts. My stomach was already beginning to hurt because of how much and how hard I was laughing. I could hear Winston chuckling in amusement.
In order to get Winston's hands off of me, I had to reach up and pretty much knock them away. I rolled over and laid on my side, holding my stomach. I was panting as I blinked my eyes a few times, they were wet with tears.
"You okay?"
"No, thanks to you" I breathed, humming softly when I felt like I could breathe regularly and not like I had just run a damn marathon.
"I didn't know you were ticklish".
"I wonder why I didn't tell you".
The bed shifted some as Winston moved, he positioned his body so his chest was pressed against my back and our legs were tangled together. I closed my eyes when I felt Winston press a kiss onto the back of my neck. I reached back and took Winston's hand in mine and began to play with his fingers. We laid like that for a while, to the point where I could feel myself beginning to drift off into sleep.
"I'm going to fall asleep if we continue to lay here" I murmured.
"Sounds like a plan".
I smiled a little and hummed, "okay".
Winston and I ended up actually taking a nap. When I woke up, I felt like I had slept like the dead. I didn't really know how tired I was until I had blinked open my eyes and felt like I was being held down by weights. My insomnia had improved a bit, sometimes I could sleep through the night and other times I couldn't.
"Winnie?" I whispered, wondering if he was awake or not. I couldn't see his face because my back was still pressed against his chest. When I didn't get an immediate answer, I knew he was still asleep. I laid there and listened to his steady breathing. His arm was still resting across my waist because I had fallen asleep holding his hand, but I managed to climb out of the bed without waking him.
I left to use the bathroom and when I walked back into my room, I picked up Axel's journal. I sat on the floor and leaned against the bed as I placed the journal in my lap and opened it to where I had left off before taking a nap.
Chresanto stopped giving me cigarettes. I guess after the third time asking for one, he figured out I was asking for cigarettes because I didn't own a pack of them. I didn't own a pack of them because I don't smoke. So he didn't give me a cigarette to smoke which sucked because I looking forward to one.
Anyway, I actually had a conversation with Chresanto today. I asked him about himself and the things he was into. I learned that he likes to smoke, which was something I obviously already knew.
I don't think he quite likes talking to people, but I know I'll get to know him eventually. Even though he seems pretty unapproachable, I have a feeling that he'll open up at some point.
I turned the page to the next entry.
Chresanto is literally one of the most complicated people that I know. He makes things so hard on himself for no reason at all. It's aggravating as hell. Like today I was trying to engage in a conversation with him but he keeps giving me these one worded responses and when I asked why he just told me that just because he gave me two cigarettes doesn't make us friends. I obviously know that because the second he gave me the first cigarette, I didn't know everything about his damn life because it doesn't work that way. He annoys my soul and it hasn't even been two weeks of knowing him.
I flipped through a few pages, the stuff that was written on the pages was nothing of huge importance. I kept flipping through until I saw something that caught my eye.
Today I got Chresanto to smile. It took me commenting on how his shitty persona wasn't going to fool me. I know the guy has to have a decent personality, he just doesn't want anyone to know. I told him that just because he acts like an asshole doesn't technically mean that he is one. I also demanded that he give me a cigarette because I really wanted one.
He had stared at me for a while before going into his pocket and pulling one out. When I tried to grab it and take it from him, he pulled it away at the last second. I had frowned and asked if that was his weird way of flirting with me or something. That's when he offered me the cigarette and smiled.
I flipped through a few more pages, ignoring the irrelevant stuff and trying to find anything that was important.
Chresanto and I went on a date, at least I think it was a date. I don't know, we went to the diner that his sister works at and ate there. It wasn't some fancy place, but honestly just going and being with him was fine. We stayed out pretty late because after we finished eating, we went to the park and sat around and looked at the stars.
I really love stargazing, and I'm pretty sure my mom and Jacob think I don't because I never want to do it with them anymore, but that's not true. I never stopped loving stargazing, I just... I stopped wanting to do it with Jacob because we're not close anymore. Every time we look at stars together, we always end up arguing and shit. That's why I stopped stargazing with him and my mom.
Anyway, we stayed out late and Chresanto drove me home. I didn't know if I could consider going to the diner and looking at the stars as a date, so I didn't know if I should've addressed it or not. Instead of talking about it, I just quickly kissed Chresanto on the cheek and tried getting out the car and booking it inside the house like I was a bat out of hell.
Chresanto was faster than me though because he locked the door back after I had unlocked it myself. I tried unlocking it again but he just locked it back. I had looked at him then with a plain expression on my face. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me on the lips, but he did. It wasn't a peck like the one I had given him, it was a full on kiss.
I was honestly stunned, but I recovered quickly and kissed back so Chresanto didn't think that I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I'm pretty sure we kissed for a lot longer than what is considered normal for a first date (if it was actually a first date because I still don't even know) but whatever, I liked it... So it doesn't really matter. When we finished kissing, we stared at each other for a moment or two before Chresanto reached over and unlocked the doors so I could finally get out of the car. I took it for what it was (my cue to leave) and got out of the car and walked to the front door, but not before watching Chresanto give me a smile.
I looked up and stared off into space as I thought to myself about what I had just read. Even though I knew Chresanto and Axel dated, it was still kind of difficult to read about it. I shook my head a little and scratched the inside of my wrist.
I could feel my mood beginning to sink as this sick feeling began to rise and take over. I didn't feel good and I could tell that I was getting ready to cry because even though the feeling of hurt had come and gone when it came to Chresanto lying to me, it didn't mean that it couldn't come back every once in a while.
After closing Axel's journal and placing it back on the nightstand, I stood to my feet. I scratched hard at my wrist and looked around the room because I didn't know what to do. Winston was still sleeping, and I didn't want to bother him by waking him up. I really needed him though... And he did say that I could call on him whenever I needed him so maybe it would be okay if I did wake him?
"Winnie" I murmured quietly. I know speaking so quietly wasn't going to wake him, but I still wanted to try anyway. "Winston".
I climbed onto the bed and carefully lifted Winston's arm so I could shift closer to him. He began to wake up from all of the moving I was doing.
"Winnie" I said again.
"Hmm" he hummed groggily, blinking his eyes a few times so he could rid them of sleep. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sad".
Winston held me close to him and I felt him press a kiss to my forehead.
"It's okay, what's got you down?" He murmured as he still tried to really wake up.
"Chresanto and Axel" I sighed, "I read some more of the journal and... I don't know, I just began to feel upset about the whole thing all over again".
I continued to scratch at my wrist but Winston couldn't tell I was doing it because my arms were tucked in and close to my chest.
"I found out about Chresanto and Axel months ago, so I feel like I should be over it and not cry about it anymore".
"I think you should do whatever you feel like you need to do. If you still have a few more tears to shed then shed them, alright?"
"I don't want to be sad anymore, Winston" I confessed, scratching harder at my skin. I was hoping not to just burst into tears so I tried replacing the feeling of crying with the feeling of pain.
"I know, baby" he whispered, reaching up to run his fingers through my hair. "I'm here though, and I'll help you through your sadness, okay?"
I was so busy focusing on Winston that I didn't even notice how hard I was still scratching at my skin until I felt this sharp pain and what felt like something wet on my fingers.
"Ow" I hissed at the slight burn and tried moving myself out of Winston's grip. He let me go and I sat up, staring at the blood that was smeared on my fingers.
"Are you okay?"
"I, um..." I nodded my head a little even though I knew I wasn't.
"You're bleeding" Winston observed worriedly, he moved around so he could get out of the bed. "Do you have bandaids?"
"Yeah, um, they're in the bathroom drawer closest to the door".
Winston left the room and I didn't move from where I was sitting. I was stunned that I had really made myself bleed from how hard I was scratching myself. I didn't mean to do it, but now that I had, it was like... It was like I wouldn't mind doing it again.
"What happened?" Winston asked when he walked back into the room. "I don't think I did anything to make you bleed?"
"You didn't" I shook my head and watched as he knelt down in front of me. I let him take my hand and use the wet washcloth he had brought back with him to wipe the blood from my fingers.
"What happened then?"
I flinched in pain when Winston wiped my wrist clean. He stared at my angry red skin before looking up at me.
"You scratched yourself?"
"It was an accident, I didn't mean to make myself bleed".
"Oh... Okay" he replied, he didn't seem very convinced. "So why were you scratching yourself so hard to the point where you bleed?"
"I was itchy?"
"Jacob" Winston gave me a look that told me he wanted the truth and not just some excuse.
"Because it feels good" I sighed, "whenever I get like... Sad or upset, I scratch at my skin as to like cope, I guess".
"You're hurting yourself, scratching the way you are is considered self harm".
"It doesn't feel that way... It doesn't feel like I'm hurting myself".
"It may not feel that way, but you are" Winston said as he opened the large bandaid and placed it on my wrist. "If you weren't, then I wouldn't have to be putting a bandaid on you".
I know what Winston said wasn't supposed to make me feel guilty, but it did.
"I'm sorry" I sniffled, beginning to cry. "I'm sorry my brain is fucked up and that I'm going through shit right now. If you were with someone else then you wouldn't have to deal with any of it".
"Jacob, don't apologize to me. You don't have any reason to say sorry. I'm not trying to be rude, and if I came off that way then I should be the one apologizing. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty about anything, okay?"
Winston sat down on the bed and pulled me into a hug. I didn't hug him back, I just sat there and cried. I hid my face in his chest and tried listening to him as he told me to calm down.
"I don't want you to work yourself up and end up having a seizure, Jacob. Calm down, okay? I'm not mad at you, I'm not blaming you, I don't think you're too much to handle. Relax for me, breathe".
Winston continued to hug me until I had calmed down some.
"I'm sorry I'm like this".
"Jacob, what did I say?"
"That I don't have anything to apologize for".
"Then why are you apologizing?"
I weakly shrugged my shoulders, "there's a whole lot of people out there who don't have depression and aren't as needy as I am. They don't have seizures and they don't try to kill themselves. They don't cut their hair because they feel like cutting their skin instead. You can have someone so much better than me".
"But I don't want someone better than you, Jacob, because there is no one better than you".
It was quiet for a while before I spoke again.
"Will you sleep over, please? I feel like I'm going to need you".
Winston nodded his head and kissed my forehead, "yeah, of course".
I rubbed at my eyes with my right hand, "thank you, Winnie".
Winston took my left hand in his, he gently played with my fingers. "I love you, alright?"
I nodded my head a little despite still feeling insecure. "I love you too".