And so, the last few weeks of their senior year drag on.
Clarke was right. Indra falls for the summer camp excuse, and their plan carries on without a hitch. It's nice to have something to look forward to, Octavia thinks. She's been feeling increasingly restless lately.
Raven tries not to bring up her dad, knowing it's an awkward topic for everyone involved. No one knows what to say in response. And although Octavia knows it's still on her mind, she's aware that if she pushes the topic, Raven will only distance herself.
But things are good for the most part, that is, until one Monday afternoon when Octavia doesn't meet them in the parking lot for lunch. Raven tries calling the house, but there's no answer. Clarke shrugs it off, though, convinced that she just went home sick. But that doesn't stop Raven from worrying. She's reminded of the time when Octavia drove off with Bellamy, nearly disappearing without a trace. She eventually found her way home, but Raven's always worried she may not return back one day.
Clarke's been serving detention all week after being caught skipping class, leaving Raven and Lexa to walk home on their own. It's a good day for Raven's leg, and even Lexa finds herself struggling to keep up with her.
"What's the rush?" Lexa jogs up beside the girl. "It's a beautiful day."
"I'm just walking," Raven half glares at her, but it's enough to make Lexa quickly realize what's going on.
"You're worrying over nothing," she notes, hopping over a crack in the sidewalk. "Clarke said she probably just went home sick."
"Clarke doesn't know Octavia like I do," Raven quips back, a bit too fast. She quickly curses herself when she sees the knowing smile form on Lexa's face. "Stop it."
"Stop what?" Lexa tilts her head, feigning innocence. Raven just glares at her.
"I haven't said anything, if that's what you're worried about," Lexa continues, bending down to pluck a dandelion from someone's yard. "I mean, it's pretty obvious from the way you look at each other," she rambles as if she's talking to herself, twirling the flower between her fingers and then tucking it behind her ear. "You're lucky Clarke isn't the best at picking up social cues."
Raven doesn't respond, mostly because she's afraid to say something that confirms Lexa's suspicions. However, her silence speaks for itself, and Lexa just hums softly.
When they make it back to the home, Lexa steps aside and lets Raven go first. The girl does her best to ignore the cheeky smile on Lexa's face, but she can't hide her urgency as she crosses the yard and quickly digs her keys out of her backpack.
The minute the door opens, Raven skids to a stop. Lexa hurries up to peer over her shoulder. And sure enough, there sits Octavia, slumped over on the couch. Her hair is a mess, half tugged out of the small braids that she'd tied back that morning. Half of her shirt is ripped, stretched and torn around her abdomen. But Raven focuses on the ice pack she has pressed against her eye, with her head resting her both of her hands, elbows propped on her knees. She doesn't acknowledge the two girls at the door.
Raven's bag slides to the ground with a thump, and she walks slowly over to the girl. She just stands in front of Octavia for a few moments, waiting for her to say something. But when she doesn't, Raven loses her patience, reaches down, grabs the girl's chin, and lifts it upwards to reveal her face.
The first thing she notices is Octavia's lip. It's busted, swollen, blood smeared around the corners of her mouth. And if that wasn't bad enough on it's own, Octavia's eye nearly matches. It's already bruised and puffy, a million different shades of purple melted across her face. There's faint traces of blood around her pupil -- at least, in the part of her eye that isn't swollen shut. Their gazes meet for a few tense seconds, and Octavia's eyes shy away from her own.
Raven's hand drops away from her face, and she shakes her head. "Again?" she asks, her voice sharp, laced with annoyance. Still looking down, Octavia just shrugs sloppily.
It's then that Raven notices Octavia's hands, her knuckles cracked and bleeding, already starting to bruise. It's all the confirmation she needs. Frustrated, she just rolls her eyes and storms off into the kitchen. Octavia doesn't make a move to go after her. In fact, she doesn't move at all. Standing awkwardly in the doorway, Lexa's eyes dart around the room before she hurries after Raven.
Finding Raven in the kitchen, digging aimlessly through the pantry, Lexa quietly slips into one of the stools. She watches the girl pensively, knowing Raven's upset.
"What was that?" Lexa finally speaks up, keeping her voice quiet. Raven whips her head around, startled.
"She's stupid," Raven mutters, slamming a box of crackers down on the island and leaning against the counter, across from Lexa. "She fights everything."
Lexa glances back to the doorway, her voice hushed. "She looks hurt."
"No shit," Raven rolls her eyes. "She brought it upon herself."
Raven's not sure why she's so bothered. But she hates the sight of Octavia like this, and she hates the fact that fists are the way Octavia solves her problems. Maybe it's because it hurts her to see Octavia hurt. Either way, she's outright frustrated with the girl.
They both hear the doorknob at the same time, and they both hurry over to peer into the living room. Standing in the front doorway is Indra, who crosses her arms and sighs heavily when her eyes land on Octavia. The girl raises her head slowly.
"Get in the car," Indra's voice is stern, and she points to Octavia with her keys, flicking them towards the door.
Pressing one hand to her side, Octavia inhales sharply as she rises to her feet. Raven watches from the kitchen as the girl presses another hand to her pounding forehead, walking stiffly towards the door. Raven suddenly feels slightly less angry, and a bit more guilty.
When the door slams shut, Raven lets out a heavy sigh. Lexa stands quietly in the doorway, her eyes following Raven as the girl crosses the room and slams her fist down on the counter, frustrated. Lexa raises an eyebrow.
"Looks like Octavia's not the only one who punches things to solve her problems," she notes. Raven glares at her through hooded eyes.
But before they can say anything else, the front door is thrown wide open and Clarke waltzes in, chucking her backpack onto the couch. She pauses, though, when she enters the kitchen to find Raven and Lexa both staring at her.
"Octavia got her ass kicked," Clarke nods, stealing a cracker. She then pauses, remembering something. Furrowing her eyebrows, she points to Raven, a mouthful of cracker. "Something said something about you and she lost it."
Raven looks at her in disbelief but Lexa speaks up first. "How do you know?"
"Kid in detention showed me a video," she shrugs, hopping up to sit on the counter and lighting a cigarette. Raven's eyes widen.
"Was totally unfair, too," Clarke nods to Raven. "They singled her out in the courtyard and started saying shit to try and piss her off. They had her cornered," she flicks the ash from her cigarette into the trash can. "She lost it when they said something about 'the girl with the leg.'" The girl pauses. "That's you," she flicks her wrist to Raven, whose face has fallen expressionless. Lexa speaks up for her.
"Who was it?"
"A bunch of the stupid football kids," Clarke nods. "They wanted her to throw the first punch so they could cry self defense," she pauses. "O got a few good hits in, too. But it was five against one. She didn't stand a chance."
Raven's blood boils, and her hands curl into fists. "Why the fuck would they do that?"
"Who knows," Clarke rolls her eyes. "All I know is things escalated really quickly and they were all surrounding her on the ground when Mr. Ramirez got in the middle to break it up."
"Did they get expelled? Arrested?"
"Suspended," Clarke nods. "Octavia, too."
"They suspended her?" Raven's eyes widen in disbelief.
"She threw the first punch," Clarke sighs. "They're all out until graduation."
"The entire last week of school?" Lexa raises an eyebrow.
"Prom, too," Clarke nods. Raven pinches the bridge of her nose and moves to lean against the counter.
"Not that she would've gone anyway," Raven mutters, shaking her head. "Now I feel like shit."
"You were kinda rough on her," Lexa speaks up, earning a glare from the girl.
"Indra wouldn't be taking her away, right?" A sudden wave of fear washes over Raven, and her eyes dart to the front door. "She'd at least give her time to pack her stuff, right?"
Clarke shakes her head. "Don't piss yourself. She's just taking her to the hospital."
"Fuck," Raven mutters. "I hate that fucking school."
"Tell me about it," the two other girls speak in unison, well aware of how she feels. Squeezing her eyes shut, Raven resists the urge to punch something, knowing the reaction she'll get from Lexa.
---
When Octavia returns home, it's already dark out. The waiting room of the ER was packed, and she ended up sitting on the floor for 4 hours, waiting to be seen by a doctor. The entire time, Indra just looked on disapprovingly. Octavia knows the last thing she needed was a phone call from the school letting her know that one of her girls had been in a fight.
And now, she's home, a new cast on her broken hand, which was even more broken than it was before. Her entire body aches, her head throbs, and the first thing she does when she gets home is pop two of Lexa's old sleeping pills. Indra doesn't even say anything to her. They're both exhausted, and all Octavia wants to do is crawl under the covers and never come out.
Which is why, at first, she doesn't notice the visitor when she trudges into her bedroom. She doesn't even bother turning on the lights, she just toes off her shoes and tosses her jacket aside.
"Octavia?"
Startled, the girl inhales sharply, stumbling backward. Octavia quickly fumbles for the light switch, groaning and bringing a hand to her head when white light floods her pupils. Her eyes come to focus on Raven, who sits on the spare bed across the room. She shrinks under Raven's glare as the girl's eyes scan her up and down.
"You look like shit," Raven nods once. Octavia just rolls her eyes.
"Yeah, well ," she mumbles, ignoring the girl and tugging her shirt of her head, digging through her dresser. She slips into an old tank top, wincing when it catches on her cast.
"I heard what happened," Raven speaks up again. Octavia can't bring herself to look at the girl, so she just shakes her head and slowly pulls down her jeans, her entire body aching when she leans over.
"I got my ass kicked," Octavia mutters, kicking her jeans aside. Now, left in just a tank top and underwear, Raven can see all the bruises that map across Octavia's torso. Unable to be short with her any longer, Raven sighs in defeat and stands up, placing a hand on Octavia's shoulder before slipping between her and the dresser. Her eyes scan Octavia's face in concern.
"I'll kill them," she mutters, bringing her hand up to cup the girl's cheek, her thumb ghosting across the swollen skin under her lip. Octavia's eyes shy away from hers, feeling humiliated.
"Sit," Raven sighs, pushing Octavia back a few steps until the back of her knees touch the bed and she sits down slowly. "Stay here."
Octavia watches as Raven slips into the hallway, returning from the bathroom with a wet cloth. Carefully, she sits down beside the girl, using a hand to brush the tangled hair out of her face. Slowly, she presses the cloth to the girl's lip, who winces in pain.
"Sorry," Raven shakes her head, gently dabbing the blood smeared around the girl's mouth. Octavia's eyes radiate sadness and defeat, and Raven's heart aches. The girl shivers under her touch when Raven's hand moves up to brush her fingers against the bump on her eyebrow.
"I'm sorry," she repeats herself, subtly noting the glassiness of Octavia's eyes. She's been crying. Swallowing hard, Raven gently taps Octavia's shoulder and nods, signaling for her to scoot backwards. Octavia does, slowly.
Raven's hands move up to carefully undo the braids on the side of Octavia's head, already messy and partly undone. Octavia hisses in pain, her scalp still sensitive from the few times hands had managed to grab and yank at her hair. Raven quickly apologizes, her fingers now moving as gently as possible.
"I'm sorry," Octavia whispers, her voice gravel in the back of her throat. She hangs her head down, feeling Raven's fingers gently combing through her now-loose hair. The small action brings goosebumps to form on her skin.
Raven shakes her head. "Don't apologize," she signs. "I'm not mad. Clarke told me what happened." Her fingertips massage the girl's scalp, and Octavia leans her head back slightly. "I'm actually glad you're suspended," she adds. "You shouldn't have to be around them."
"It hurts," Octavia mumbles. Raven pauses, turning to look at her.
"What does?"
"Everything," Octavia shrugs with one shoulder, embarrassed. But Raven just brushes Octavia's hair out of her face, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. Her lips linger there for a moment and she sighs softly, making Octavia shiver. From behind the girl, she snakes her arms around her waist, clasping her hands together. Feeling Raven's head gently lean against her shoulder, Octavia places her good hand atop Raven's, squeezing lightly.
"I don't like seeing you like this," Raven mumbles, her thumb grazing over Octavia's knuckles. But Octavia just sighs, curling her fingers around Raven's own.
"I don't like being like this," she shakes her head, holding up her broken hand and studying the cast in distaste.
"Black?" Raven notes, raising an eyebrow.
"I got to choose," Octavia nods softly. "I won't take it off this time around." There's a long pause of silence, and Raven drums her fingers against the cast.
"Octavia?"
The girl lifts her head slightly. "Yeah?"
Raven hesitates for a moment. "Things are gonna get better, right?"
Octavia pauses. "What do you mean?"
"I just... I feel like I'm always on guard," Raven breathes in slowly. "It's like... I expect things to go wrong all the time. They always do." Octavia's suddenly aware that Raven's on the verge of tears, judging by the waver in her voice. "Just... do you...? Do you think one day all this pain will be nothing but a memory?" She pauses. "Things have to look up eventually, right?" There's a pleading tone laced in her words, giving Octavia the chills.
"I'd like to hope so," Octavia whispers, feeling Raven breathe in deeply and rest her head against the back of her shoulder. "If anyone deserves a better future, it's you, Raven." She feels the girl's breath shake and squeezes her hand.
"Is this about your dad?" Octavia asks carefully, knowing that it's risky. But Raven just shrugs with one shoulder.
"That too," she says softly, her fingers tracing over Octavia's. "But this isn't any fun, either."
"This?"
"You. Being hurt," Raven whispers, her voice rough. "I don't like it. Don't like thinking about people being mean to you."
"You don't have to think about it," Octavia's quick to shake her head. "I can handle it."
"I can't help it," Raven mutters, suddenly feeling too vulnerable. She blinks back tears.
"I'm still alive, aren't I?" Octavia looks down to their hands, her bruised knuckles dark and bloody in contrast to Raven's. "It's not your battle to fight. It's mine."
"You don't get it, do you?"
Taken off guard by the sudden change in Raven's voice, Octavia turns around slowly, confusion evident in her features. Their hands detach when she moves to face her, but Octavia quickly finds them again. "What?" she asks quietly, genuine concern in her words. Raven's breath suddenly catches when she realizes the words on the tip of her tongue. Her jaw shakes and she looks away for a moment, forcing herself to take a deep breath.
"I love you, okay?" her words spill out, half frustration, half desperation. The minute their eyes meet and Raven realizes what she's said, both girls tense up. Raven moves to pull her hands away, but Octavia grabs hold of them before she can.
"What?" Octavia's voice is barely a whisper. Raven's eyes dart away from her own.
"Don't make me say it again," Raven's voice wavers, suddenly terrified that she's just made a mistake. Octavia pauses, hesitant.
"Raven..." she shakes her head, giving in and reaching out to cup the girl's cheek, making her face her. "You didn't hear me."
"What?" Raven shivers, Octavia's thumb ghosting across her skin.
"I told you. The other night," Octavia nods gently. "After your dad's... but you were... you didn't hear..." she shakes her head. "I hadn't even planned on saying it."
Raven stills, her eyes suddenly searching Octavia's. "Saying what?"
Swallowing her fear, Octavia squeezes Raven's hand gently. "That I love you," she whispers. "That I love you and... and it fucking scares me."
Raven's heart does something weird in her chest and she suddenly feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes. "Scares me too," she nods slowly, blinking back tears. "I-I've never..." she pauses to take a deep breath. "All my life... Love... It just..." she pushes back the sour memories. "It's never been returned."
Octavia's eyebrows furrow together, empathy flickering in her eyes. "It is for me," is all she can whisper before she pulls the girl into a hug, ignoring her soreness as Raven's arms quickly wrap around her, fingertips clinging to her back as if she's afraid to let go. Octavia just holds her even tighter.
"Please don't be lying to me," Raven whispers, her voice muffled against the girl's shoulder. Octavia almost immediately shakes her head, feeling tears forming in her own eyes, a rare occurrence.
"Couldn't if I tried," she rests her chin on Raven's shoulder and rubs circles in her back. "I love you," she repeats herself for good measure, surprised at how simple and effortless the words seem coming out of her mouth. "I do."
Pulling away from the hug, Raven brings her hands up to Octavia's face, reveling in the intimacy of the moment, in their closeness. "I love you, too," she nods softly, leaning in but hesitating when she remembers the girl's busted lip. Instead, she presses a soft kiss to the corner of the girl's mouth. Octavia's hand cups Raven's cheek to wipe the few tears that have fallen.
"I'm sorry," Raven whispers, moving to wipe her own tears. "I'm don't know why I'm so--,"
"It's okay," Octavia shakes her head. "A lot of things are shitty right now. But I can still love you when I'm hurt," she traces her finger across Raven's jawline, letting her hand drop back down to intertwine their fingers. "That's one thing that doesn't change, yeah?" She gives the girl a sad smile. "And maybe one day I'll love you when we're both happier than we've ever been."
"I like hear you say it," Raven admits, her voice still shaky. "I was scared you wouldn't..."
"I was scared you wouldn't."
Raven's cheek flush red and she looks down. "Maybe we need to stop being so scared all the time."
(When they fall asleep that night, Raven clings to Octavia more than ever before. Everything may be changing around them, and things may be hard, but Octavia's there. And she loves her. And Raven's found one thing that's constant in the ever changing storm that she calls life. So she holds on, afraid that the wind will carry Octavia far away from her if she doesn't.)