Chapter 17: Nanny and Nights
Date: Dauntless Initiation – Phase 1 / Baby Natty is 5 months old
** Tris POV **
I pace myself as we run our laps. I no longer need to hold back on showing my athletic ability as I needed to in the first few days of training, but I prefer to keep my distance from Peter and his snide, suggestive remarks.
We are now a week into initiation and even with all my work in advance of the Choosing Day, training has challenged me. The first few days were especially exhausting after being up late trying to calm Natty down to sleep, but now she and I are both adjusting well to life at Dauntless. Natty is sleeping much better and adores her daycare teachers, and I have found that while sometimes a little blunt and abrasive, Diana, the daycare director, is really overall a kind and well-meaning woman. I have especially appreciated the flexibility she has offered me, though I am very conscious not to take advantage.
Diana still occasionally asks about Four, and it still irritates me every time. I have seen a lot less of him than I had expected to. In training, he continues to be the harsh instructor, driving us to the breaking point and showing us no sympathy, and it's quite clear that I am just another initiate to him. I don't know why I would have expected any different; he was clear enough two years ago before he left me, I am nothing to him. At night, though, I rarely see him. He has not come home the past five nights in a row, and neither of us has said a word about it. I don't know where he is sleeping; probably hooking up with a different Dauntless slut every night.
Three laps to go. Will and Al lag several yards behind me, and Christina a few more yards behind them. They are the only transfers I have connected with much; Edward and Myra are nice, too, but very much a couple, so they spend less time with the rest of us.
On days that I have training, Natty is left at daycare during lunch. It would be very disruptive for her to be taken out to eat with me and then returned. A couple of days ago Christina convinced Will, Al and me to visit the tattoo parlour instead of the cafeteria. I went just to enjoy their company.
The moment I laid eyes on the tattoo design of a raven I knew I wanted to get a marking that would represent my family, all I have I lost and I have gained with Natty. I get three ravens across my collarbone, flying towards my heart. When I sat down I had intended to get four ravens together, for my parents and two siblings.
And then I thought about Natty's little face. She is not my sister. She is my child now. I asked for the fourth raven to be inked onto the inside of my right wrist, signifying that I would use my hands to defend her until my dying day. I will always fight for her. I will never let anyone find out that Natty is biologically my sister rather than my daughter. I would have to trust that person implicitly, at a level I am not sure I can ever trust in anyone. Ever.
The truth is, I am all too aware that in the eyes of the law... I kidnapped Natty. Marcus has not been convicted of anything, and I stole his baby. Even with the photo evidence of Mother's injuries, I cannot be certain that any part of a legal battle would go my way. If the wrong person got wind of Natty's true parentage, it's very likely that she would be given back to Marcus... and I would live out the rest of her childhood tucked away behind bars, where I could do absolutely nothing to help and protect her. I have no choice but bear the weight of this secret entirely on my own. Even from my friends, no matter how trustworthy they might seem; even from Four, despite the fact that she is his sister, too. After how he treated me on his choosing day, Four no longer deserves my trust, and he hasn't done anything since I arrived at Dauntless to convince me otherwise.
I glance at the raven on my wrist, turning my thoughts away from my secret fears and back toward the day I got my tattoos, with my friends. My friendships here are not like what Tobias and I had in Abnegation-- I mean, of course, outside of the romantic aspect, we were friends first and foremost. These new friendships don't have the depth that friendship had-- or that I had believed it had-- but already, my friendships with my fellow initiates are so much more than what I had with Susan and Robert, even by the end of my time living with them. It is difficult to really get to know someone and form a real friendship when it is considered selfish to talk (or even think) much about yourself. While I am still sometimes taken aback by Christina's bluntness, I appreciate that the other effect of having grown up in Candor is that she is easy to get to know. It is so different from my friendships with my fellow Abnegation.
Even with my own family, it was really only after we lost Father and Caleb that I truly started to get to know my own mother. With me, she turned her back on the expectations of Abnegation and gave me the chance to know her as a person, and even my father as well, through her stories. She died too soon, but I will always treasure those stories and memories; most Abnegation never get that chance with their loved ones.
Here in Dauntless, though, I can make real friends. Besides Christina, Will, and Al, I also have my Dauntless-born friends, thanks to Uriah. He has grown up best friends with Marlene and Lynn, and with Uriah's enthusiastic recommendation, the two girls have accepted me easily as well. Everyone is also taken with baby Natty, especially Uriah.
Uriah absolutely dotes on Natty. In retrospect, I should have expected him to be great with kids, but in real time, I was amazed. And Natty adores him, too. I think she spends more time in his lap than in mine during meals, and he all the while flashes me those bright white grins of his. He has the kind of smile that makes me think that he has probably always been that handsome. Only boys who have been handsome from a young age have that arrogance in their smiles. He is easy to be with, and kind and fun, but lately I worry that he may be starting to like me as more than a friend. I hope I'm wrong. I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. I need to focus on Natty and on making it through Dauntless initiation. I'll have to be sure to talk with him about our friendship-- and about how it can only be friendship-- as soon as I can. As we run by the Dauntless-born initiates group, I catch Uriah's attention and stop for a moment to ask if we can break away to talk alone during lunch today. The way his face lights up makes only makes me think that my suspicions may be correct.
After finishing our warm-up laps, we take a minute to stretch as Four sets out guns on the table. Lauren, the Dauntless-born initiation instructor, smiles at him flirtatiously as she retrieves a few more punching bags from the storage closet for her group. I'm near enough that it's hard to miss their conversation.
After a few pleasantries, she croons, "I got a new tattoo yesterday."
"Oh yeah?" Four replies, leaning against the table. "What was it?"
Lauren smirks. "Well, I'd rather show you." Four just nods, encouraging her to show him. Lauren takes a step closer to Four so that there is less than a foot between them. She leans in.
"The thing is," Lauren continues, "it's somewhere I can't show you here. We'd need a little more... privacy. Maybe you can come over to see it later." Then she winks, and I feel myself tense at her words and demeanor.
Four glances at the initiates near him, and I'm sure I'm only imagining it when his eyes linger on me a little longer than the others. "You know how eager I always am for those private moments," he mutters. He has long been painfully clear that this was what he wanted when he came here. I hate having to hear about it, though. It makes me sick to my stomach. Seeing the way women throw themselves at him, and especially hearing him respond like that, is like a punch in the gut, just as it was when he was breaking up with me more than two years ago. I have to quickly walk away, using the excuse of a water break. The hurt I feel surprises me, I mentally chastise myself for my weakness. Tobias is no more. I can't let this hurt me. Not anymore. Four isn't worth my pain.
We practice with guns all morning, same as we did a few days ago. The brief training I did at last year's Visiting Day with Uriah benefited me a lot, and I found target practice fun and relatively easy from the start. Today I am hitting the bullseye for most of my shots, and when I don't, I'm not far off.
As we are putting away the guns for lunch, Four approaches me to let me know that he and I must be at his apartment for a meeting during our lunch break, and that I am instructed to pull the baby out of daycare for the meeting. I nod to confirm that I understood his instructions and finish putting away my weapon before catching Christina and Will, who are about to leave for the dining hall. Four is busying himself with some sort of clean-up from the morning activities just a few yards away, but I don't acknowledge him.
"Ready to go, Tris?" Will asks with a smile.
I sigh and shake my head. "You two are going to have to go on without me. It turns out I have a meeting at home regarding the baby and will have to miss lunch for it-- in fact, I had better rush to the daycare now. But can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, of course, Tris," Christina agrees. "What do you need?"
"Well, I was supposed to meet up with Uriah and eat lunch together. Obviously I can't be there," I tell her. "Would you let him know for me? I don't want him to think I stood him up. Ask him if we can reschedule for dinner, please."
"Oh, I sure will." Christina smirks knowingly. It seems that I am not the only one who has noticed that Uriah might be interested in more than just a friendship with me.
I let it go and thank her one more time. When I finally turn to acknowledge Four, he wears a scowl even deeper than usual. He looks especially irritated. I know he was near enough to hear the whole conversation and for a second, I wonder if he's jealous.
But then he clears up my confusion over his bad mood. "Hurry up," he demands. "I'm already losing my lunch because of you and your kid." Of course it's not jealousy. Just his usual loathing of Natty and me. I cringe. I don't know why his callous attitude still catches me off guard; this is the new Four, this is just the way he is. Well, screw him, then.
Fifteen minutes later, I arrive at Four's apartment with Natty on my hip. Four is in the kitchen making something for lunch, and I am surprised when he offers to make me something as well. I smile and thank him.
I have barely been able to lay out a blanket on the floor and set Natty down before we hear a knock at the door. I start to get up from the floor but Four leaves the sandwiches he was making in the kitchen and waves me off as he goes to answer it, so I play with Natty for another moment.
The woman who Four welcomes into the apartment is probably a few years older than Mother was. Her light brown hair is cut short, and she wears a kind smile. I get up from my spot on Natty's blanket and cross the room with my hand outstretched to shake her hand, the typical Dauntless greeting. I wonder if I will ever get used to shaking hands; it feels awkward to me, unsure whether my grip is too firm or too weak, how many times to shake. If my handshake is terrible, though, she doesn't let on.
The nanny introduces herself as Monica, and she wastes no time getting right down on the floor with Natty. I settle back in my spot on the blanket, Monica sitting on Natty's other side shaking a toy at her, and after making sure that Monica is comfortable, Four sits in a chair, separate from the rest of us, but near enough to listen and to join in the conversation when necessary.
After interacting with Natty for a minute, Monica looks up at me. "Well, she is just beautiful and seems to have a very sweet temperament," Monica tells me with a genuine smile. "I can see that she is well cared for; you are doing very well, Tris." I smile with pride and thank her.
"Can we get to business?" Four demands, looking bored. "We need to get back to training before long."
Monica ignores his rude tone and amicably responds, "Of course, Four." Then she looks at me. "Well, as you surely read in the guidelines you were given, during regular training hours you will bring Natty to the Dauntless Daycare. Sometimes there will be evening initiation activities that you must attend, and that is when I will be taking care of Natty." She goes on to remind me that unless I were to pay her with my own personal points-- I don't mention that I have almost none, anyway-- she is just for required activities for initiation, not for my social life. I can tell by the way she says it that she's only reciting what she must; she does not believe I would take advantage, anyway.
"Most of the time," Monica continues, "I will care for her at my home. There are some occasions-- my husband's poker night at our home, for example-- in which I would need to watch the baby here, at your home."
Four clears his throat. "This is just a temporary living situation for Tris and the baby. So, I just want to be clear, especially if the baby will sometimes be watched here, that I am not responsible for the baby's care. At all. In any way." He even raises his hands up in front of his face, and adds, "Also, I don't do diapers. Ever." I can't help rolling my eyes, and must remind myself, once again, that this is the new "Four", Dauntless prodigy, asshole extraordinaire.
But he's not done. "If you can keep the baby at your place and out of my way whenever possible, that would be great, Monica."
Monica seems unphased. I just roll my eyes and shrug, and flash her an obviously fake smile.
But I won't let him get to me. I won't give him the satisfaction.
++++o++++
** Four POV **
I come straight home after training finishes for the day. Natty's blanket is still on the floor; when Monica left, Tris was in a hurry to get the baby back to daycare, and I had to get back to the training room to set up for the afternoon. I don't bother to pick it up; Tris and Natty should be back in a few minutes anyway, so the blanket will be in use again soon.
I get straight to work unpacking my backpack, taking out yesterday's clothes and tossing them into the basket of dirty laundry. I haven't been sleeping here most nights. Last week, I begged Zeke to let me crash at his place, telling him that the baby keeps me up all night. A couple of days ago Tris pulled me aside at training to inform me that Natty had started sleeping well at night. I just nodded, still not wanting to sleep there. So at first it wasn't a lie-- Natty really did have a hard time adjusting those first few nights-- but now that she is a sound sleeper, just as Tris said she would be, I have let Zeke believe otherwise, giving vague non-answers when he asks.
The truth is, I just don't want to be here with them. Over the last week I've had to stop by my apartment for clothes and such. Every time I look over and see Tris doting on her baby, or even each of them sleeping soundly-- Tris in her twin bed, Natty in the crib-- it is like all those hopes I carried those two years are crushed again, just as painfully as the moment I learned that Tris had created a life with some other man.
Tonight, though, I will have to sleep here. I can't sleep at Zeke's when he and Shauna want alone time, and he alerted me in no uncertain terms at breakfast this morning, that tonight would be one of those nights. I can't fault him for it; I have slept there the past five nights in a row, and Shauna's roommate makes it difficult for them to find time to themselves at her place. I dread coming home tonight to sleep in the same room as Tris and her kid. I know I can't just move in with Zeke, and I know that Max has no idea that he's forcing me to live with my ex-girlfriend and her love child, nor the pain he is causing me as a result. This whole situation is incredibly frustrating.
When Tris comes in, the baby is asleep on her shoulder and Tris quickly transfers her to the crib before coming into the kitchen and beginning to look through the fridge and cupboards. While it isn't really a big deal, it would be nice if she asked before eating my food. When she pulls out leftovers from the dining hall, I realize she must have brought her own food in earlier. Besides, she not only had to skip lunch-- she ate some of the sandwich I made for her, but had to abandon the rest to get Natty back to daycare-- but also had to spend the afternoon doing intense physical training on a nearly empty stomach. But she pushed through it, and she did it well. I still can't figure out how she walked into initiation so good at combat, and it's clear that she has no intention of filling me in on her secret.
I used to be the person she shared her secrets with. But those days are gone.
I am startled from my thoughts by a loud clatter; Tris dropped a stack of pots and pans while pulling a baking dish from the cupboard to heat her snack up in the oven. I look toward the crib in a panic, worried that she may have woken the baby (which is pretty much the last thing I want right now) and Tris looks in the same direction just as abruptly.
But Natty does not stir. Man, she really is a sound sleeper! Tris's and my eyes meet and we both burst into laughter.
"I can't believe Natty slept through that," I say through laughter, shaking my head. "You're as clumsy as ever. I remember a few times, your mother... 'Be careful where you put your feet, Beatrice, I don't want you to get hurt,'" I mimic Natalie-- not in a mean way, I adore that woman.
Tris just nods sheepishly through her own laughter. "I told you she slept like a champ."
For a moment we just smile at each other, and it feels good. Familiar. It feels like the love and security and companionship I felt with her back in Abnegation.
No. I can't do this. Tris can't represent love, security and companionship, not any more. She is done with me, and I am done with her. She made a life with someone else. I left her behind, and she left me behind as well. Even if whoever this man she loved was, after she moved on from me, is gone... she is no longer Beatrice, and I am no longer Tobias. We are Tris and Four now-- two completely different people from who we once were.
I need to get out of here. I can't be with her so much, it brings back too many memories. Wonderful memories, but knowing that memories is all they will ever be is too painful.
So I turn and without a word, without even a glance back at her, I walk out the door.
+++o+++
"And then just after he's done berating the poor guy, who was only following orders... a pigeon flies overhead and takes a huge crap that lands right on Eric's head!" I burst out laughing. Most of Shauna's story about her day at the fence was long and boring, but the image of Eric with bird shit all over his greasy hair is worth the wait.
Zeke, sitting next to Shauna across the table from me, perks up and zeroes in on something across the room, lightly smacking Shauna's arm with the back of his hand to get her attention. "Oh look! Uriah and his new love interest." Shauna follows Zeke's gaze and smiles, so I turn my head to look as well. And there, a few tables over from us, I see him. Zeke's little brother, Uriah... with a baby in his lap, Tris by his side. As she eats her dinner, she and Uriah are both talking and laughing with their friends, and Uriah is frequently smiling down at the baby. He tickles her stomach, plays peek-a-boo, and when Natty blows spit bubbles which cause drool to drip down her chin, Uriah is even quick to wipe it away with a soft cloth.
"Oh boy, Uri is falling hard, isn't he?" Zeke comments. His smile reflects not only amusement, but pride.
"At the rate Uri is moving he will probably have a family of his own before you do, Zeke," Shauna says teasingly.
Zeke is too distracted by the evening's entertainment-- Uriah with a baby-- to pay much attention to Shauna's comment. I stab a piece of carrot with my fork, staring intently at my plate. "Aww, look at my baby brother." Zeke laughs. "I think you're right, Shauna, he's gonna be a daddy before I am!"
"They do look cute together," Shauna agrees, and I contemplate cutting off my own ears so I won't have to hear any more of this.
"Uriah with a blonde baby!" Zeke chortles, and Shauna joins in on the laughter. Against my better judgment, I glance at them again. Uriah is holding Natty up with her face about nine inches away from his, making silly faces while Tris smiles at them fondly. My jaw clenches.
I keep silent, my full attention on my plate of food, as they go on and on about Uriah, Tris and her love child. My plate is nearly empty when Shauna pulls me into the conversation against my will.
"So how is the baby, Four?" Shauna wears a bright smile but I'm so sick of this subject, they've been talking about my ex and her kid throughout the entire dinner. It's like I can never get away from Tris, no matter where I go.
"Who cares?" I snap at her. Shauna actually jumps, and I run a hand over my face-- now the Tris issue is making me alienate my friends, too.
"Guess Four doesn't like kids," I hear Zeke mutter to Shauna under his breath, almost glaring at me.
"Well, if you think they're so great," I suggest, "why don't we move Uri, Tris and the baby into your apartment. You'd be rid of me at night, as an added bonus."
"Ha!" Zeke barks out a laugh. "Hell. No." His eyes focus on the happy little couple again, and against my better judgement, mine follow. I watch Tris walk over and hand the baby to Christina. She smiles and says a few words to her and kisses Natty on the forehead before she turns back to Uriah, who waits a couple of yards away. Uriah slips his hand into Tris's, right there in front of all their friends, and Tris doesn't even react, like she expected it, like they hold hands all the time. Uriah leads Tris out of the dining hall, never letting go of her hand.
Of course. They're on a date. That's obvious now.
"It's only what, another month and a half? Then maybe Tris and Uri can move into their own place together," he grins as I finally tear my eyes away from the scene. I clench my fists under the table. It was bad enough seeing Natty, having the knowledge that Tris had moved on without me. But now, I've got a front row seat to her next conquest.
I gather up my dishes and trash and stand. "I'll see you guys later," I mumble, gripping the tray tightly. Shauna nods at me, her mouth too full of Dauntless cake to use words.
"Okay, man," Zeke says cheerfully. "Oh, and don't forget... you'll have to sleep at home tonight." Right. Their alone time. I give him a curt nod before I turn my back and walk out of the dining hall, depositing my tray where the dirty dishes go on my way out.
I can't stand to go home. Tris is out on a date with Uriah, and who knows when she will turn up at home. I don't want to know. I don't want to know how late she's out; it will only fuel my imagination, and this awful feeling inside me that just won't go away.
To make matters worse... it's Uriah. Of all the guys in Dauntless, it had to be Uriah. Zeke is my best friend-- really, he and Shauna are my only friends. But now it is obvious to everyone, including me and, especially, Zeke, that Uriah is courting Tris. And Zeke seems amused and just overall thrilled with the whole thing. I have not yet confided in Zeke about Tris and my history, but I might have. Now, I can't. Zeke and Uriah are close. I won't put my friend in that position.
So now Tris has not only taken over my apartment, not only is she everywhere with her golden hair down around her shoulders-- always reminding me how I used to be the only one with the privilege of seeing her that way-- but she has now taken my only confidant away from me, isolated me from my very best friend. All while she is making far more new, wonderful friendships than I ever did. And I hate her even more for it.
This is not what I had imagined. None of it. I waited for her, for two years. I may not have even consciously realized that was what I was doing, but I know now. I had been waiting for her. I'm a twenty year old Dauntless prodigy and I'm a virgin. It's almost laughable. But Tris... even as a dependent in Abnegation of all places, she didn't wait for me. I know she had no reason to, but it's Abnegation. How did this happen?! I can't believe she gave her virginity to someone else. I always imagined that we would be together for that step.
And these new clothes she's been wearing. She looks amazing, all the time. Does she realize how she is taunting me? Of course she doesn't. She isn't looking good for me, she's looking good for Uriah. And I hate it.
I find myself at the chasm. My mind goes over and over the past two years. Around Dauntless I have developed a reputation for being cold and aloof. No one knows that I have spent two years foolishly waiting for some girl from Abnegation. Everyone assumes that I, the great Four, have my share of one night stands. They just think I am private about it, and selective about who I share my bed with. It has never bothered me, but now it does. Because I know Tris thinks that, and I admit it, that is my fault. Telling her that was my intention was a part of my strategy when I broke her heart. But was she really that heartbroken? She got over it pretty quickly. Now she's here... with a baby. And I am consumed by anger, anger that while I waited for her, she was out in the factionless sector, of all places, giving someone else more of herself than she ever gave to me.
Meanwhile, I never stopped loving Tris. Never. I spent two years subconsciously avoiding any relationship, with anyone who tried to come near me. I was waiting for the day she would be here. I really believed I could fix things. I believed that we would fight it out, and then I would fight to win her back.
I always knew she would come. She was always meant for Dauntless. Even as angry as I am with her, I cannot deny that I'm impressed by her. She's doing shockingly well. I may have always known she was meant for Dauntless, but I never expected her to be this good. I still can't figure out how it's possible. Who trained her? Where did she learn all this?! I just can't figure her out. She's a puzzle, one I can't solve. She drives me crazy in every way.
I glance at my watch; it's getting late. As I make my way up the rock path that leads me back out of the chasm, I realize that I don't know where to go.
I can't sleep at Zeke's, that's been established more than once tonight. But I can't bear to go home knowing that Tris is out on a date with Uriah. I just walk through the halls of Dauntless for a few minutes before it comes to me. I know where I can go. I know who will welcome me in, who will be happy to see me. I turn around and head back the way I came, having already passed the apartment that I am now aiming for.
I stare at the door for a moment before swallowing my reservations and raising my fist to knock.
She answers the door in nothing but a button-up dress shirt that ends at her upper thigh, just covering her butt. The sleeves are rolled up a bit, and only a few buttons at the middle are done; the top few are left open, as are a couple at the bottom, leaving a gap that shows off her black panties. I find myself wondering where she got that men's shirt from. Her long, tan legs are bare. I return my gaze to her face, and am met with a sexy smile.
I smile back. "Hi," I say.
"Hi," she smirks flirtatiously.
"Can I... come in?"
She holds the door open as she steps out of my way. "Of course, Four." As I step inside, I feel her hip graze against mine, and the contact gives me a tight, nervous feeling in my stomach.
Then the door swings closed, shutting out everyone else, and it is just me and Lauren.
++o+ Chapter End +o++