Chapter Two - The First Step
Well that went well, Khalid thought dryly.
He let out a sigh, and settled back into his seat, waiting for his mother to get off the phone. His hands clutched the steering wheel as he maneuvered his way home, listening to his mother's chatter. He wanted to know so badly what she thought of Sabrina. Her decision was important. Finally after saying goodbye to her friend, she ended her call and Khalid pounced.
"So?" He asked, "what did you think? I told you she was a good Muslim."
"Yes," His mother said and paused. "She seemed like a very bright young girl. She had a very knowing gaze...what did you say to her after she left?"
"What do you mean?" Khalid spluttered, his heart starting to race.
"Oh come now, habibi." His mother chuckled. "I'm your mother, I know when you lie. You didn't go to look for the bathroom after Sabrina left."
Khalid sighed, looking over to face her. "You're not mad at me?"
"No." She replied, with a laugh. "You've been chasing girls since you were a toddler. And while I can't say I approve of it, I would rather have you chasing after a girl like Sabrina, than the girls you have recently been after."
"I just told her to consider my offer. I told you that she would hesitate. So I had to make sure she understood that I'm completely serious when I say I can change for her." Khalid responded.
"You can't really blame her for hesitating, though." His mother, said softly.
Khalid had enlightened his mother to his and Sabrina's past right before they had come over to her house. His mother had been quite shocked to find that her son was capable of such malice but he had assured her that it was mostly misplaced, that he had only really targeted her because he thought she had ratted him out in Elementary. While that was not entirely true, it was the only way of making his mother not lose all hope in her son. She knew of their racial war, of course, but Khalid had downplayed it and had shamefully cut out any racism he had inflicted on Sabrina over the years. His mother only knew half the story.
"You really like her, then?" His mother asked, surprising him out of his thoughts.
She watched his face and he met her blue eyes - the same playful eyes that he had inherited - and gave her a small, genuine smile.
"Yes."
* * *
"Khalid!" His friend, Jamaal, yelled in greeting. "Assalamu'alaikum, bro! Long time no see!"
"Walaikum'asslaam." Khalid replied, eyeing his old friend. "And yeah, its been too long."
Khalid, desperate to get out of the house, before his father arrived, decided to head over to a cafe and meet up with a friend. Preferably an old one, since all his current friends were gang members and drug dealers - personalities that he had decided to avoid at all costs. So, with a good character in mind, he had called up Jamaal, a Pakistani boy who he hadn't thought of for years. Jamaal had happily obliged and now stood in front of Khalid wearing a cream colored thobe and a full-fledged beard.
"Looking good, my friend!" Jamaal chuckled, stepping up and embracing Khalid in a traditional half hug that all religious people seemed to enjoy inflicting upon their victims.
Khalid grinned. "Speak for yourself. Nice beard."
"Ah, you think so?" Jamaal asked, running a hand through his beard and posing. His caramel colored eyes twinkled. "The ladies certainly love it."
"Is that so?" Khalid asked, cocking a brow. "I suppose I'll need to grow one, then."
"Why, Khalid!" Jamaal mock gasped. "Are you trying to tell me that there's a girl out there who's immune to your good looks and charm?"
"Apparently." Khalid muttered.
"Oh." Jamaal said, seriously. "Well, lets hear about this rift in nature, then?"
"Well, you might know her. Her name's Sabrina Khan. I think she was in your math class back in New Hope." Khalid said.
"Oh yeah." Jamaal exclaimed. "The Human Calculator!"
"What?"
"I called her that in my head," Jamaal admitted, bashfully. "She was incredibly good at calculating things in her mind."
"Sounds like her." Khalid snorted. "She was always pretty good at math." He said as a soft, after thought, remembering a time back in Elementary.
"Say," Jamaal said, tilting his head. "I thought you, like, hated her?"
"I used to." Khalid admitted.
"Didn't she rat you out and say awful things about Arabs." Jamaal went on.
"That was actually Leena Ali. About the second part... yeah, but we got over it." Khalid explained. "I just really want her to understand that I can change, but she says that I need to prove it."
"Why?" Jamaal asked, with a laugh. "Are you guys gettin' married or something?"
"Actually, I want to..but it seems as if she doesn't..." Khalid mumbled.
"Oh." Jamaal said, surprised. "Oh. That's why you're so down. I haven't seen you this gloomy over a girl in like...ever."
"No girl ever turned me down before." Khalid muttered, darkly. "She doesn't think I can change..."
"She seems like the type of girl who wants to marry a good Muslim man. I think she just needs time to realize that you're capable of being one. You know, frankly I never believed all that bull about her hating all Arabs in existence. It didn't seem like her at all. She's too...content with her life - her Deen - to be so hateful." Jamaal mused.
Khalid listened silently and agreed to everything Jamaal was saying. He blinked as he realized how blind he had been. Her one moment of anger had changed his entire view of her whole personality. So she said one rude thing about his culture, and in a moment of uncontrollable anger, too. But that didn't mean, he had to go and label her an Arab-Hater for the rest of eternity, based on one comment. He thanked Allah that it was all over now and that he had come to his senses.
"You know...girls like her find beards attractive..." Jamaal said, wiggling his eyebrows.
"True." Khalid agreed, cracking a smile. "I've seen her fight to keep her eyes off bearded men and not even glance at clean shaven men, even if they were like, male models."
"Its settled then! You need a beard!" Jamaal announced as if beards were the salvation of mankind.
"If a beard could help me, I'd grow one." Khalid smiled sadly. "But beards can't change one's personality and character. Sabrina doesn't look at appearances. She's not shallow like that. She looks inside. And my insides aren't meeting up to her standards."
"Don't say that." Jamaal said, waving a hand. "We're all capable of changing. Just show her that you're worth it."
Khalid stayed silent. How many times had he tried and failed at proving his worth to someone. So many. And every single time, he came up short. He was always deemed unworthy. But not this time, he thought. This time, I'm going to prove that I am worth it.
* * *
When Khalid got home, his parents were seated at the dinner table, eating silently. He closed his eyes and suppressed a sigh, gathering up the courage to walk into the kitchen and face his father. He didn't have the best relationship with the man, and after Zayn died...Khalid shook his head, banishing the thought. He didn't want to remember him right now.
"Assalamu'alaikum." He greeted his parents.
"Walaikum'asalaam." His father grunted, while Khalid sat down and his mother pushed a plate of food in front of him.
"How is Jamaal?" She asked, attempting to make conversation. "Fine boy, that Jamaal."
"He's good." Khalid answered.
A long, awkward silence followed. Khalid hated this tension between him and his father. Every night, ever since that night, they would gather around and eat dinner like a normal family. But they weren't. There was too much anger hanging between them. The tension in the room was laced with bitterness. Khalid looked up when his father cleared his throat.
"So what did this Sabrina girl say to your proposal?"
Khalid glanced at his mother and figured that she had broke the news to him already, but of course his father had asked anyway in order to spite him. He pursed his lips and answered as calmly as he could.
"She said she'd think about it."
"Ha. Think about saying no, you mean?" His dad chuckled, cruelly.
"Ali, please." Khalid's mother said, softly.
"What Farah?" Ali asked, with a mocking smile. "Maybe the girl is smart and she knows an unworthy man when she sees one."
"I'm not unworthy." Khalid snapped without thinking.
Mistake. His father's expression became cold and his eyes flickered with anger.
"Aren't you?" He hissed.
"Dad." Khalid whispered. "Leave it. Why do you always bring this up?"
"Why can't I bring this up?" His father inquired, a gleam in his eye. "Tell me, my son, did you tell this girl who you really are? Does she know that her hand has been asked by a selfish, unworthy boy who let his own brother walk to his death?"
"I DIDN'T LET HIM DIE." Khalid screamed, snapping up and causing his chair to fall to the floor in a deafening bang.
"Does she know what you're capable of?" His father went on, his voice rising.
And with that, Khalid turned and fled. He threw the door open and ran down the driveway. He jumped into his car with tears in his eyes. His heart thudded inside his chest, just like it did that night. His eyes burned, his head hurt. Just like they did that night. Clutching the steering wheel, he left, he drove, he fled.
Faraway where his father couldn't hear his screams.
* * *
It wasn't Khalid's fault that his brother died. It was dumb luck, it was sheer coincidence. And yet, it wasn't. His brother, Zayn, had come looking for him that night. He had died that night because Khalid was the one who had brought him out there, had lured him outside and, in the end, left him there.
It was Khalid's his fault.
It was an accident. I didn't know, Khalid chanted. It was an accident. An accident.
Khalid gripped the railing of the bridge and stared down at a raging river. He'd often stood at this very spot after his brother had been killed, had often looked below and thought of joining that cold, dark water. The whole city was spread out beneath him, the buildings piercing the darkening sky like jagged teeth. Dark purple and blue colours were splashed across the horizon, the sun long gone and yet, there was a tiny bit of glowing light left.
He screamed.
He screamed and screamed until his throat was sore and he couldn't scream any more. He let out all his anger and grief and sorrow in his screams. He filled the sky with his bitter, remorseful cries. But no matter how much he screamed, or how long he cried, emotion still seared his heart like burning flames. He couldn't let it go; the guilt, the anger, the fear.
"I'm sorry."
He wanted forgiveness. And he was afraid he would never get it. He wanted his fathers' eyes to regard him softly. He wanted him to smile at him and say, "I forgive you." He wanted his Lord to know how incredibly guilty he was, because he never wanted Zayn to die. He never wanted his father to hate him. He never wanted to be like this. But he was unworthy of forgiveness. His own father couldn't even forgive him.
He just wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the way his own father looked at him, like he was some kind of murderer. He wanted to forget that he had ever joined a gang, or started doing drugs. He wanted to forget everything; his whole life. Except one part of it, but even she hated him for a little while just like everyone else did.
"Can I even do this?" He asked himself.
And that was how, once again, he thought of ending it all. But this time, he couldn't take the thought seriously. Because this time, there was something else. There was his mother. There was Sabrina. There was a reason to keep on living. Before, when his brother had died, and his father had turned on him, and Sabrina hated him just as much as he had supposedly hated her, he had considered dying. He had considered giving up. But now, she didn't hate him anymore.
That was it.
That one thing. That one spark of hope. She didn't hate him anymore and that meant that he had a reason to keep on fighting. He wanted her to change him, because Allah knew how tired he was of all the crap in his life. He was lost and he feared that without her help, the emotion that raged on in his heart would kill him. He wanted her - no - he needed her. Without her, he was broken. He needed her to fix him and put him back together again.
Khalid sighed and with one last look, he slowly turned and walked back to his car. The night darkened around him. The river surged on beneath him. The city twinkled behind him. But he moved forward because if he wanted things to change, he was going to have to take the first step.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dang, this was hard to write...
So, we certainly learned some interesting things about Khalid's life. What do y'all think? Your thought?
Oh and vote if you think guys with beards are awesome ;)
(Graphic on the side by @midnightmemoriez1D - THANK YOU! )
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habibi: my love
Thobe: long, above-the-ankle length garment with long sleeves.