"Shh, baby" Meredith murmured, still pressing me against the wall. It was hard to keep quiet; harder than you'd think. She had two fingers inside me, angled upwards just rubbing on my spot. Her thumb was rubbing periodic circles, in time with her fingers, on my clit on top of that. It was too much stimulation all at once.
"Don't come" Meredith commanded. I couldn't really remember her getting her hand down my pants; all I know is that one second I was me, and the next I'd completely let go. "Not yet, baby, hold it" she worked her fingers harder, I had to bite my lip to keep quiet.
Delicately, she leaned in to suck a purple mark into my shoulder, one among many she'd created. I didn't know how much longer I'd last, I didn't think I could hold it in. Hell, I didn't even think I should be holding it in. But I was overwhelmed with the urge to do exactly what she said, even though I thought she was a whore.
"Alright baby, when I tap your hips, you can come. I was about to ask why she'd have to tap my hips instead of just simply telling me, when she dropped to her knees and pulled my scrubs down just enough to expose what she wanted.
I could've fucking died right there.
Her tongue on me felt too damn good; if I wasn't going to last before, I certainly wasn't going to now. But stubbornly, I held my breath and silenced my moans, every muscle in my body tensed up as tight as they could go. I focused every bit of my energy on not fucking coming.
It felt like five years, but she finally, fucking finally, tapped my hips. And when she did, I completely let go. I had to bite my own hand to keep from screaming out. My body shook, and I slid to the floor, sobbing in pleasure.
I hated Meredith, I hated her for doing that to me and I hated her for making me hold my orgasm. I hated her, but when she slid to the floor with me and held my shaking body, I forgot that I hated her.
"Good job, baby girl" she praised "good job, you did so good, so good for me" her voice was a coo, as she smoothed the hair out of my face. Gently, much more gentle then I'd ever witnessed her handle me, she rocked my still spasming form over and over, while still telling me how good I was.
My stomach fluttered with pride. It had been so long since someone had been like this with me; if ever. It had been so long since someone told me I did something right, because god knows all Derek did was remind me of my failures, my faults.
It was wrong, it should've felt wrong. Having Meredith make me come so hard and then treat me this way. But it felt so right, it was the best thing I'd felt in a while.
Wordlessly, when I regained myself, I stood up and pulled up my pants, wasting no time in running as far away as I could get from the confusion and shame I felt just thinking about how much I liked what Meredith did to me.
She was such a whore.
~
It was hard for me to figure out how I felt; I was again, avoiding Meredith, to try and figure out how to feel.
I suppose it's not how I'm feeling, rather, what I'm feeling.
On one hand, I knew this was fifty different kinds of wrong, probably more if I actually counted them all. I knew I was cheating on my husband, I knew Meredith was more than likely using me, and I knew being her boss also complicated things.
On the other hand, I liked it. I liked someone else taking control, someone else handing out the orders, someone else worrying about the decisions. I spent all day in an OR where I decided what to do, I made the decisions, I was always in control. And it was absolutely tiring to be in charge of other people's lives all day. Meredith being in charge of me, even for just a short time, made me feel so relieved. Like water on a warm day.
Then, there was how she made me feel.
Angry, was what she usually made me feel. Infuriated, pissed off, absolutely angry in every shape and form. But after I'd come, she was so comforting and she praised me and I felt something different. I felt like I could do something right, like I'd finally done something right. I couldn't keep myself from fucking Mark Sloan, I couldn't keep my marriage together, I couldn't get Derek to forgive me, but I sure as hell could hold an orgasm for Meredith and it might not have been much, but it was everything to me.
I was still so confused, so infuriated at my feelings, at Meredith. I surely couldn't give myself up, wholly and completely, to Meredith Grey, the biggest whore I'd ever laid eyes on.
Absently, I poked at the salad that sat in front of me as I ate in the cafeteria. I wasn't hungry, not in the least bit, my mind was too busy whirring about. Sighing, I was about to give up when Meredith plunked down next to me with a bottle of water.
"We need to talk" she said seriously "privately"
"No, I don't think we do" I quip, eating some of the salad that had been discarded for the better part of half an hour.
"Fine, I guess we don't have to talk" she moved closer to me, both our legs completely concealed under the table and from anyone's line of view. As if to piss me off, she snakes a hand down and into my scrubs.
"Meredith!" I gasp angrily, at her hand literally down my damn pants "what the fuck?"
"Shh" she murmurs, keeping a cool composure "you won't talk, so this is how I'm going about it. Tell me to take my hand out of your pants, and then we don't have to talk" her fingers circled my clit, making me clench wantonly around nothing. I grit my teeth, resisting the urge to sigh or groan or moan or something as she strokes me gently.
She knew I'd never say that; she knew when she got me like this, that I was completely hers, as much as it pained me to admit it.
"There's nothing to talk about" she pinches my clit and I somehow manage to stifle a squeal, though a few people do look over at me oddly. "I don't like you; I despise you. How can we do this, if I don't even remotely think you're a decent human being" that earned me another clit pinch, sending sparks down my spine.
If she didn't get her hand out now, I was going to orgasm.
"Trust and lust are one thing, distaste and disagreement are another" she murmurs, pushing in harsher on my clit, making me bite my hand to stay silent "you can hate me, you can disagree with me, but you can trust me as well. You are attracted to me, you obviously like what I do to your body, and you can trust me to dominate it" she made it sound so simple; as if this weren't a discussion about some kinky side relationship while her hand was down my pants.
"How can I trust you when you slept with my husband?" I ask, trying to cross my legs a little to keep her from putting anymore pressure down there. It obviously doesn't work, and I moan lightly when she starts moving her finger in circles.
"I didn't know he was married. If there anyone you shouldn't trust, it's him"
"I don't trust him"
Meredith is quiet for a moment, edging me closer and closer to coming with her finger gently rubbing back and forth, back and forth.
"You don't trust Derek personally" she said, thinking "but you trust him in an OR with a patient, correct?" I nod "well, you don't trust me in an OR alone operating on someone. I'm a student, I haven't learned enough to be able to operate. But you can trust me personally, to keep this between us and to keep you satisfied"
What she was saying made sense; there were two types of trust, and just because I didn't trust her one way didn't mean I couldn't trust her another.
"And what if I don't trust you personally?" I counter, a sharp intake of breath making its way down my throat as I feel the bottom of my belly burn.
"Addison" she looks me square in the eyes "I may think you're a whore; I may hate you more than I thought I could ever hate someone else. But I'm attracted to you, I think you're a brilliant doctor, and I believe we could've been friends had this not happened with Derek. I'll never say anything of these things again, so savour it now. But I wouldn't ever, ever, do anything you did not like, did not want, or asked me not to do" I could hear just how serious she was "if you ask me right now to stop touching you and leave, I'll withdrawal my hand and I'll get up and leave"
I take a moment to decide; my brain is swimming with thoughts and questions, but I decide to nod in agreement.
"Let's talk about it" I say "Jesus Christ, I'll meet you in the lobby at nine, and we can go to my hotel to discuss the details away from here" I swear lightly, due to the sparks in my stomach and the pressure I was feeling. I needed to come, now.
"Sounds perfect" without warning, two of her fingers are working my clit over fast and hard, and in a second, I'm coming over her fingers with a strangled cry muffled into my hand and some shaky breaths.
"I'll see you tonight then" I say, breathlessly, and watch as she stands up, and promptly inserts her fingers that were just in my pants, in her mouth, as if she'd gotten ketchup on them.
"Mm, I wouldn't miss it. And don't worry" she smirks over her shoulder "I'll make you beg for it next time"
I wish I could say I wasn't excited, but my stomach tightened in anticipation.
I still hated Meredith Grey.