Chapter Twenty Two
"No You Don't."
Justin’s Point Of View-
Losing the person that means the most to you is the most gut-wrenching, heart twisting feeling you could ever have that I wouldn’t wish on my first enemy. It’s like I could feel the emptiness of my heart just above my rib cage searching for something to fill it but that’s not possible when the thing that can fill it is out of your grasp.
The past seven days I’ve been doing nothing but wish I could take it all back. I wanted to rewind time and re-do it all and just never go to the gang’s house in the first place. A part of me wishes that I could forget her. I wanted to forget the way she looked at me with so much affection it was like her soul was on fire. I wanted to forget the way her cheeks turned red every single time I touched her. I wanted to forget that night I took away her virginity and became attached. I had become attached and my biggest fear had come true. She left.
I guess the thing that hurts the most about love is that you can’t predict it. You can’t predict when that person will lose interest in you or lose feelings towards you. Then it hits you out of nowhere, like a surprise punch to the gut, and your insides feel like they’re coming undone and your heart feels like it’s going to explode out of your chest and you cry, and you cry, and you cry, praying for the pain to go away but you continue to cry until you can’t cry anymore and then you end up exactly like I am right now. You end up sitting alone, in your room, re-thinking what happened and how you wish you could change it.
“Bella, oh god no no no. Please come here.”
I tried to move towards her but it was useless. The fear in her eyes was overpowering any other feeling she was possibly having right now. Over anger, over sadness, and over love. I could tell right then and there that what I had just done has ruined everything.
“Don’t you dare come close to me.” Her eyes widened as she stared at the bloody body surrounding my feet before they moved up to my blood stained hands. I didn’t have an explanation right now. It was like I had to watch it all fall apart in slow motion and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Can you please just let-“
“No.” She responded. “I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“I didn’t have a choice.” I took another step towards her, but she eyed the knife warily and took another step back on the sand. If it weren’t for what I had just done I would make love to her right on this beach. I would push her down onto the sand and we would laugh and she would let out her cute little giggle as our bodies would mesh together and slowly but surely get covered by the water and the waves. I would show her how much I cared and how much she honestly meant to me, but it was too late.
“You didn’t have a choice?” She almost spat at me in disbelief and by now the tears were pouring onto her cheeks. “Justin you had a choice. It was your hand that went into that body just now. You had the knife and you pushed it into him. Nobody else made you do that.”
“Justin you need to get out of there!” I heard Roger’s seething voice drown into my ear through the earphone but I didn’t want to go. If I left, I would lose her forever. I would regret it for the rest of my life.
“Bella can we please go somewhere where I can explain myself? I get that you-you’re probably so mad at me but as soon as we’re in private I can tell you everything. Please don’t leave me.”
“Justin are you a fucking retard? You can’t tell her! Jesus, get out of there before you get caught! Oh my god Dan why the hell did we hire him?”
I took the earphone out of my ear and flung it into the sand, along with my snapback, to ignore the tedious and irrelevant voices of the gang that I was no longer a part of. They could kill me if they wanted because I was certain that death would be less painful than the way I’m feeling right now.
“Justin I’m done.” She whispered quietly, letting the soft cries escape her eyes as the salty tears flooded onto the sand and washed away into the salt water of the sea.
“You can’t be. No, I’m not going to let it happen.” Trying to hold the tears back, I walked over to the water and placed the knife into the sea like the gang had told me to do. If they couldn’t find the weapon, I couldn’t get caught.
“You don’t have a choice.” Pulling at her white shorts, her thumb twirled around the rip in her them, making my heart tug at the sight of her cry. I never should have done this.
Starting to turn her back on me, I reached over to pull at her hand to make her turn around to face me. I don’t know what I can do to save this but I wanted to save it so bad. I wanted to save it more than anything in this world. Her eyes looked down at my hand and spotted the blood, making her look at me in disgust and pull it away.
“Bella you mean so much to me.” I honestly said. I then bent down to wash away the blood in the water and wiped them dry on my jeans. “I don’t want to lose you. You mean the entire world to me and if you’re gone then I won’t have anything. You are like the stars to my moon, the blue sky to my sun. I’m not complete without you and I know you feel the same way.”
The sunset was now more than set, making it so the night stars were just starting to come out. I glanced up at them and flicked my hands towards the two to try and give her an example. If she couldn’t see how much I loved her, then I don’t know what else I could do.
“I used to feel that way.” She whispered. “But after what I just witnessed I don’t want to even look at you. When I first met you and you said that you’d hurt me, I didn’t think that was possible so I just pushed it to the side but you’re a murderer Justin. You are capable of killing a human being. Don’t you get that? I will never feel protected with you. I will never be able to feel safe. How would I ever feel safe or loved by someone who had no problem stabbing a knife into the organs of another human being?”
Her words completely broke me, leaving me utterly speechless of what to say. I racked my brain for a good comeback, for a huge speech that would get her to stay with me but I couldn’t. What she had just said was one hundred percent true.
“I’m not going to say that I didn’t enjoy our time together, because I did Justin. I even can get up the courage to say I loved you. I was so in love with you and I couldn’t wait to say it. I was in love with you that night you took my virginity.”
Love. She just said love. Nothing else that she was saying was even entering my brain except love. She was in love with me.
“Bella but I-I’m in love with you too.” I stuttered. I never thought I’d ever say those words to a girl but as she was standing right in front of me, getting ready to walk out of my life, I felt like it was my last option to get her to stay.
“No you don’t!” She shrieked, her voice still hardly audible over the waves. “If you loved me I wouldn’t have just witnessed that. You wouldn’t risk your life and almost die just now if you loved me. You’d want to stay alive so that we could have spent every single second together. But you didn’t because you’re selfish. All you do is think about yourself Justin. Don’t you dare say you are in love with me because I know it isn’t true.”
And with those being her last words, Bella Latimell turned around and walked out of my life forever.
I kept replaying that scenario in my head and I kept thinking of more clever things to say to her as if I changed two words she would have stayed with me but I know that it wasn’t true. There was nothing I could say to her to make her stay because she had her mind made up as soon as that knife entered into his skin.
My chest started the familiar heaving like it has been for the past seven days and that’s when I knew the crying was trying to begin but it couldn’t. It couldn’t begin because I had already cried every drop of water out. I was bone dry.
Standing up from the bed, I ran my fingers angrily through my hair and rummaged through my dresser drawers to get changed. I haven’t left my house in a week. I didn’t care about school, I didn’t want to see her face in class and feel the stabbing pain in my heart that I got every single time I went through our messages. My mom was concerned about me too but there was nothing she could do to make me go. Every morning was an antagonizing fight, the yelling and the screaming being able to be heard probably eight houses down, but at the end of the day I still laid in my bed as Bella was probably happier than ever with me being out of sight.
All I know is that my heart desired to see her. She was my desire in life that I wanted. Or not even wanted, more like needed. I needed her and my life didn’t feel whole without her. I need her like I said seven days ago on the beach. I need her like the moon needs the stars and like the blue sky needs the sun. How could she just do that? I know what I did was wrong but she wouldn’t even let me explain.
I laughed out loud when I heard the thoughts surrounding my head. Oh yeah Justin, Bella’s supposed to be perfectly fine with you stabbing someone and waiting around for an excuse, get real.
“Justin, can you come down here please?”
My mom’s voice rang from downstairs and thankfully interrupted the ludicrous and loud ideas in my head. I finished putting on a pair of baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt before opening the door and making my way downstairs. I looked like complete shit but I had no intention of ever leaving my house ever again.
I was playing with the strings that hung down below my waist before my ears perked up at the sound of a familiar voice that I’ve heard over and over again. Was it possible? Was my mind just playing games with me?
My feet picked up speed as I rounded the corner and I stood dead in my tracks when I saw the girl that had changed my life in so many ways. The girl that drives me crazy but makes my life better every second I live it was staring at me with a look of complete intensity, a look that I was dying to see again.
The girl that was standing in front of me was Bella Latimell.
NOTE TO THE READER:
So um yeah, I decided to update early because I just got broken up with tonight. I know you guys don't give a shit about my life but I hope you were able to feel his pain because his pain is literally what i'm feeling. But anyways, comment and let me know what you thought please... I'm not sure when i'll be next updating but it'll be within the next week. Thank you for reading.
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