Feet thump down the hallway and I roll my eyes, cracking a smile.
“I start 6th grade today!” Lily exclaims.
I chuckle, looking over my shoulder. “You excited?” I ask and Lily looks at me with wide eyes, nodding her head. I laugh and flip the pancakes that are cooking and then grab a glass out of a cabinet.
“Thank you!” Lily yells as she grabs the glass from me and opens the fridge, taking out the milk. “Are you going to work today?” Lily questions.
“Yes, after I drop you off at school. Why? Don’t want me going?” I tease and put two pancakes on a plate. I turn around and slide the plate along with a fork on the island in the middle of the kitchen. Lily takes the plate and silently thanks me, digging into the golden pancakes. She ignores my question and I take the opportunity to sneak out of the kitchen and into my bedroom, getting into my scrubs for the day.
It’s been 6 years since I moved out of my house and into this apartment with Lily and 6 years since Lacey has left the world. Lily asks questions about Lacey all the time and I answer them truthfully, but I don’t answer the questions about what happened to Lacey. I’m going to tell Lily, eventually, but just not now. I want to tell her when she’s a little older and more mature for the suicide talk. I want her to understand the pain that can happen in suicide and that if she is having these thoughts to tell me immediately. I just want Lily to be safe and healthy, I don’t want anything to happen to Lily. I don’t need anything to happen to Lily.
“Seth! Time’s ticking!” Lily sasses from the kitchen and I chuckle, she’s starting to pick up my sass. I grab my wallet off the dresser and walk out of my room and into the kitchen, looking at Lily. “Ready?” She asks and I nod, then we head out the door.
Lily’s dad is out of the picture, since the death of Lacey he doesn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Especially Lily. He made it clear the day I scheduled an appointment to see him with Lily, the nurses told us to not call anymore and that he doesn’t want to see Lily. It was unfair to Lily and nothing about it was okay, she needs her father but he didn’t want her. So I took over the role of her father figure, I was her protector, someone she could talk to, someone she could watch TV with, and just be the father she needs. Lily doesn’t call me Dad but I’m okay with that, she’s not comfortable and its okay. She’s old enough to know I’m not her real dad.
“Wish me luck?” Lily sighs and I snap out of my attention, looking in the back seat to see Lily getting ready to open the door.
“You don’t need luck! You’re going to do just great! Make friends.” I tell her and she rolls her eyes.
“You’re supposed to wish me luck.”
I laugh. “Okay, okay. Good luck.” Lily grins then gives me a thumbs up, heading out the door and skipping into the middle school. I chuckle at her and then drive off to my job. I work at the nearby car shop, it pays good and I like doing what I do. Plus, its close to the school just in case I ever need to get Lily for some reason. So, everything about it is good.
I slam the front door close and follow Lily up the stairs to my parents house. Lily exclaims Emilee’s name and I know she’s home from college, probably with Ryan too. I greet my Mom and greet Emilee as well as Ryan.
Ryan and Emilee are still together, sure they’re always on and off but they love each other. They also use to go to the same college but Ryan already graduated. Ryan has already talked to me about marrying my sister and it blows my mind, Ryan’s her first boyfriend and they’re thinking about marrying each other and starting a family. I don’t question it though because they do truly love each other and they’ve been with each other for a long time. As long as Ryan treats her good and Emilee’s happy, I couldn’t give a damn.
“How was the first day of 6th grade?” my Mom asks Lily, Lily grins at my mom and starts sharing how her day went. I had talked to Lily in the car and it seemed as though she had an awesome day, she met a lot of friends and had a good time. I was grateful because kids can be mean and I’m glad she’s making a lot of friends.
“Found anyone?” Emilee wonders when she looks at me, I shake my head and crease my eyebrows. “Oh don’t give me that look, everyone wants you to date again.”
I chuckle and grab myself a beer out of the fridge. “Yeah? Look how that turned out last time.” Emilee glares at me and throws a grape at me, the grape bouncing off my forehead.
“Stop it, Seth. We just want to see you happy.”
I roll my eyes. “I am happy,” I argue.
“You don’t have to lie you know,” Ryan speaks up.
I sigh and take a gulp of the cold beer. “I don’t need a girl to make me happy.”
Ryan laughs. “That’s what I said before I got Emilee in be-”
“Ryan!” My Mom yells, cutting Ryan off before he can finish his sentence. I chuckle and shake my head.
Everyone thinks I’m not happy because I don’t have a girl with me, but I am happy. I have Lily and I enjoy having her as my daughter, I have my family, and I have my friends. Of course I want sex just like every other man but I’m not ready for a relationship yet. Emotion wise, I guess I just don’t want to move on from Lacey. I don’t want to, I love Lacey and no girl can beat the love Lacey and I had. I can’t tell anyone why I wont date again because no one will understand. I keep it bottled inside and not let anyone know.
“How’s work?” My Mom asks me when she turns on the stove and starts making an early dinner.
“Works good,” I answer and take a seat at the island.
Lily takes the seat next to me and takes a sip of her milk. “When I’m older can we have a sister?” Lily questions me and I nearly choke on my beer.
“You want a sister?”
Lily nods. “I want a baby sister. My friend Naomi has a little baby sister and she talks about her all the time.” She shares.
Emilee lifts an eyebrow. “Yeah, Seth why don’t you have a baby?” She teases and I roll my eyes.
“We need a mom.” Lily says and it shocks me. “All my friends have a Mom but I only have a Dad. So can we get a Mom and a baby sister?”
“Whose your Dad?” Emilee asks Lily.
Lily points to me. “Seth’s my Dad.” I smile at Lily and take a sip of my beer.
I’m happy the way Lily’s growing up, I’m glad that she’s not hiding in pain or having to deal with what Lacey had to deal with. I wanted to make Lily’s childhood memorable and happy for her and I guess I’m doing just that. My Mom and Dad are telling me what a good job I’m doing with Lily and I’m grateful. Since day one I’ve left my past behind and started making responsibilities for myself and Lily. My number one priority is Lily and will always be Lily. I got a job, I put Lily in a good kindergarten, I stopped partying, and I just tried being a parent for her.
After about a month or so the parent role became more of a lifestyle to me and I got use to having a little girl with me. Being a Father came easier as the days went on and I knew what I had to do when challenges came up. I let Lily have sleepovers, I met with parents, I went shopping with Lily, I did her hair, and took the parent role like I needed to. The adoption was hard and there was a lot of court sessions and paper work to be done but after 2 months, Lily was officially my daughter. Keith and Ryan were more then surprised at my decision to adopt Lily but they ended up helping in the end. They would help and stay over my house sometimes and play with Lily, and when Lily needed a girl around there was always Emilee and Shay. Emilee and Shay have also been a big help in all of this, they showed me the basics and how to do her hair and just the normal girl things.
And of course my parents have been more than helpful, if everything got overwhelming for me they would help me and take care of Lily. The first year of Lacey’s death was the most painful year of my life, my parents had watched Lily that day while I visited Lacey for hours and just broke down. I would always ask them for parental help for Lily like her schools, taxes, and just all the things I needed to know to become a parent.
“Family dinner?” We all stop talking and look towards the kitchen entrance to see my Dad walk in. I grin at my Dad and pats my shoulder. “Rascal!” My Dad exclaims and picks up Lily, throwing her up in the air and tickling her. Lily giggles and tells him to stop but she enjoys it. After a couple seconds he puts her back in her seat and he starts making small talk with Ryan and Emilee.
“Can we get a puppy?” Lily asks, turning to me.
I lift an eyebrow. “Do you want a sister, or a puppy?”
“A sister?” My Dad interrupts.
“Lily wants a baby sister.” My Mom explains and my Dad looks at me.
“Do you want a baby?” He asks me and everyone looks at me. I shrug it off and everyone drops it and Lily continues telling my Mom how she wants a small brown, furry little puppy.
I knew eventually Lily was going to get bored being all by herself. I was just mostly dreading for the day she tells me she actually wants a sister or brother. I’m not ready to move on from Lacey with another girl and them possibly having a child with that girl. It’s stupid, I know, I was just so young when I fell in love with Lacey and I should be getting over her now, but I couldn’t. Just something about Lacey I can’t get over, I can’t stop loving her, I just cant get over her.
“So we’re all staying for dinner?” My Mom questions and we all nod, having our first family dinner in a couple weeks.
I throw my car keys on the counter top and sigh, facing Lily behind me.
“Ice cream?” I ask and Lily eagerly nods her head. I chuckle, “Good. How about I make us some ice cream sundaes?” Lily grins and I start preparing the big ice cream sundaes for us two.
“So can we get a puppy?”
I laugh and give Lily her sundae, walking into the living room and Lily following behind me. “How about I think about it?” Lily agrees and then we sit down and watch some TV, eating our sundaes.
There isn’t a day that goes by without Lacey on my mind. People call it unhealthy, I know my Mom does but Lacey was the first girl I cared for and loved, its not like I can just forget about her. How could you forget someone who impacted your life so much? It seemed impossible to me to forget about Lacey so after my parents lecturing to me that I need to move on, I kept everything to myself. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy with everything its just I would be happier with Lacey by my side.
“Can we go to the town carnival this weekend?” Lily suddenly asks.
I nod, flipping through the channels. “Yeah, why? Whose going?” I wonder.
“A couple friends of mine. My friend’s older sister has never gone to a carnival so she’s bringing her sister to go with her. So we can go?”
“Yeah, I love carnivals. I’ll win you some stuffed animals.”
Lily grins. “Buy me those big ones?” I nod. “You’re the best Dad ever.” Lily mumbles. I look over at her to see her looking at me. “I couldn’t ask for a better dad.” I smile at Lily and give her a big hug, being lucky I had such a great daughter.
I wake up to repeated poking on my cheek, I squint my eyes open to find Lily looking down at me. I immediately panic and sit upright in bed.
“Are we late?” I rush as I look at my clock on my nightstand and sigh of relief when I remember its Saturday. “What’s wrong?” I requested.
Lily sighs and gets on my bed, sitting Indian style and staring at me. “What happened to Lacey?” She demands for the millionth time.
I scratch the back of my neck and sigh. “Lily, you’re too young for this right now.” I argue.
“But she’s my sister.”
“Lily, we are not talking about this now.”
“Seth! I have the right to know!” She fights.
I lay back down and shake my head. “We are not talking about this.”
“Tell me!”
“No, Lily! Not now! I will tell you down the road when you’re older!”
Lily groans and jumps off my bed. “Tell me, Seth!”
“Lily, please go back to bed.” I mumble. Lily groans and then stomps out the door and I roll my eyes.
It’s like this all the time she demands I tell her and I tell her she’s not ready then she storms out and doesn’t talk to me for a couple days. What Lily also doesn’t understand is that she’s not ready to hear what I’m about to tell her and I’m just trying to protect her right now. She’s too young, too innocent, and I don’t want to take her fun childhood away yet. Nothing about me telling her yet is going to be okay. I just need time, we just need time.
Lily was giving me the silent treatment and I wasn’t surprised by her actions, it happens all the time. I needed Lily to be more mature about this and that’s why I’m also not telling her yet.
“Hello! Anyone home!” I roll my eyes when I hear Keith’s voice, this dude never knocks.
“Is Shay with you?” Lily wonders when she hops off her chair and to the hallway, probably taking Shay into her room.
“Yo, my man.” Keith declares when he pats my back. I turn off the sink and start to dry the dishes.
“What’s up?”
Keith goes through my fridge and I roll my eyes but chuckle. “Shay’s pregnant,” Keith blurts and I drop a plate in the sink, snapping my head to Keith.
“What?” I ask.
Keith chugs down his beer and goes for another one. “We’re not even married yet and now we’re getting ready to raise a child?”
“Dude, congrats.” I chuckle and roll my eyes when Keith goes for yet another beer. “Calm down, you’re going to be a great dad.” I tell him.
Keith sighs and takes a seat at the bar. “I-I’m just not ready for this.”
“You’ll be fine plus you have Shay. She’s going to be a perfect mom and you both can help each other.” I explain to him and Keith nods, swinging another gulp. The two girls come back in the kitchen and I finish up the dishes.
“Thought we were going to tell Seth together.” Shay sasses and I chuckle when Shay glares at him. “By the looks of you two I know you told.”
Keith rolls his eyes and throws Shay on his lap. “Well I told.”
“Told what?” Lily asks when she walks up to me. I glance at Keith and Shay, telling them to tell her.
“Well, Lily I’m having a baby.” Shay explains and Lily goes wide eyes, jumping with joy.
“Is it a girl?” She asks when she runs over to Shay, bombarding her with questions. I laugh and let Lily ask a couple questions before I tell her to calm down. Shay doesn’t mind Lily as she answers all her questions and even more. Keith and I let the two talk while we escape the kitchen and walk into the living room, taking a seat and watching a random college game on.
Keith, like me, didn’t go to college. Instead of him going to college he decided to work for his dad’s car company. He gets good money and can support himself and Shay. They own an apartment a couple blocks away from me and they just live their life. Shay ended up going to college but dropped out her senior year, she didn’t want to continue college and took over her Mom’s clothing line. So the two are doing just fine and are making a life together.
“Any girls yet?” Keith suddenly asks and I look away from the TV to Keith. He lifts an eyebrow as he waits for me to reply.
“No, you know I can’t stop thinking about Lacey.”
“You can’t, or don’t want to?” Keith challenges and I stay silent, staring at the wall in front of me.
Keith is right, I don’t want to stop thinking about Lacey. She was my first love and she taught me so much. It’s like I’m in a hole and I can’t seem to find an escape, I’m surrounded and the more I’m in that hole the more I’m suffocating. And sometimes I want to find that escape.
I lean behind the couch and look over Lily’s shoulder and at the iPad on her lap. “What are you doing?” I ask her.
Lily looks up at me and then back at her iPad, continuing the game she was playing before. “This game.” She answers.
I laugh. “What game?” Lily shrugs as she continues playing her game. I chuckle and walk around the couch and into the kitchen where I grab my keys on the island. “Are we leaving?” I yell.
“Fair?!” Lily exclaims.
“You coming?” I holler when I start shoving my feet into my shoes. Lily jumps off the couch and darts up the stairs, I chuckle. I put on my jacket as I know its going to be a little chilly and then I await for Lily. After a couple minutes she’s back in the living room with her shoes on and a wearing a sweatshirt, I give her the go and we head out. “Are we meeting your friend and her sister?” I ask and Lily nods, turning up the background music in the car. I chuckle at Lily as she starts singing along and dancing in her seat.
Once we enter the fair, Lily tells me we need to wait by the fountain because that’s where Lily said she’d meet her friend, Grace and Grace’s older sister. So we’ve been sitting by the fountain for a little over ten minutes now, Lily looking at each person that passes by. I pull out my phone and check my emails to hopefully make time go faster, but suddenly Lily stands up and starts waving her arms, I look in the direction she’s looking in and I see a girl Lily’s age grinning, waving her hands also in the air. I look to the side of the young girl and my heart skips a couple beats. I swallow the sudden clump in my throat and I blink away the tears in my eyes, surprised at what the hell I’m seeing. The girl had short and wavy brunette hair, she had on a pink shirt that clung to a small waist but a big chest, sun kissed complexion, and the biggest eyes I’ve ever seen.
The two girls stop in front of us and Grace and Lily start talking about random things while Grace’s sister and I just stare at each other, suddenly her arm reaches out and a big grin spreads across her face.
“Hi, I’m Lacey."