"You might just want to wait outside for a few minutes."
Calum had said this in all seriousness before he walked through the door to see Luke.
But that was well over half an hour ago and that, by my watch, was more a than the few minutes I was promised.
Though now was not the time to be a pathetic self centered bitch, I was here because my friend... well uhh Luke, had hurt himself and I was genuinely worried.
Since that night, I have thought of Luke as a much more vulnerable person than what I would have ever thought. That ignorant and asshole act he put on was unintentional. He was just scared. But why would he be scared of me?
I was snapped out of my train of thought as the hushed mumbling that had been drifting out from underneath the door was ubrubtly interrupted.
"Jesus Luke, get over it she's not going to hurt you! She's here because she cares! When will you see that? not everybody is out to get you." Calums voice echoed through the hospital's corridors.
"I'm sorry Cal, I really am, I'm just scared and after what has happened these last few years it seems like anyone could be out to get me. They hurt me Cal. There was nothing I could do about it, nothing you could do about it. And it has taken its toll." Luke replied quietly, weakly. I could hardly even recognize the voice it was so alien to me.
"But we are here to help, an I sure bet Lacey is too if you just give her a chance. Don't give up on us just because you give up on everybody else." Calum was much calmer than before, though neither of them were making any effort to remain unheard which they were obviously trying to do earlier.
"That's easier said than done Cal. There is a hell of a lot more people out there that hate me compared to the few that may care about me."
"So what if there is only a few people that care about you? At least they care!" He voice started to raise once again.
"But why would they care about me, I'm me, nobody cares about me. I can barely trust anyone, why would they care for me?"
"Luke, think about it. All the people that have come to see you while you are in this place care about you! Your parents, me, the boys, Lacey for christ's sake!"
"But there is so many people who want me dead."
"But those people don't matter Luke, the people that care matter, no matter how many people that is."
This conversation had a taken a turn, I felt guilty consciously sitting here and listening. But I just couldn't help myself.
"I try to think like that Calum, I really try, you know that right? But sometimes it gets hard because I get worked up, you know how hard it is for me when I get worked up about things like that, since well, since yeah." his voice trailed off at the end as if he was scared to say it out loud. But I knew he was talking about the 'incident'.
"I know it's hard but I'm going to help and you can't do anything rash like this again because it really frightens me that one day you just might not wake up and I will lose my best mate."
"I can't promise anything but I will try Cal."
There was a long silence. I'd like to think that they were hugging in there, but I think it was more of a smile and nod agreement. I don't really know why I think it matters which it was, but it does.
"Luke?" Cal broke the silence, but only barely. I could only just make out what he had said.
"Cal?"
"What were you so worked up about? What did you do wrong?"
"I told her, I told Lacey what happened."
Wait, what? What relevance does that have? Why was it wrong? So many questions, and no answers.
"I don't know what came over me, it just came out. She was upset and I was upset and it just spilled out of me. I was so afraid to face her again, I thought she was going to hurt me like they did. I had to lock myself away again Cal, I couldn't risk it. I can't trust her. I'm scared."
"You can trust her Luke, she isn't going to hurt you, it will be alright. She is a good person."
"I just can't believe I told her. When you came the other day, I was seriously considering running away. Getting out of this town and all the shit I have to put up with. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, I was way too worked up. The numbers were clouding my mind."
"So you tried to... get back on track?"
"Yes. Obviously it didn't end well. You know Cal, I really wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was normal and I didn't get scared and worked up like I do," he spoke so slow and helplessly. I couldn't listen anymore. I shouldn't be hearing this. Heck, I shouldn't have heard any of this!
I grabbed my phone and hastily got up and almost ran down the hall. Unable to find a door leading outside, I locked myself in a bathroom that I had previously passed.
I only followed parts of what had been said, background knowledge of the situation was essential to fully understand what was talked about. but obviously it wasn't meant for my ears. I wasn't supposed to know. Though I had a niggling feeling Luke didn't have a broken arm.
But I didn't know how to register all of this new information. It was like one huge puzzle with thousands of tiny pieces, waiting for me to solve it. But this time I didn't want to solve it. The amount of different possible outcomes terrified me.
Re-gathering myself and my thoughts I exited the bathroom and walked back to Luke's room, as calmly as possible.
"Oh hey, I wondered where you got off to." Michael greeted me as I sat beside him.
"I just went for a little walk that's all," I gave him a small, yet sincere smile.
"Well on my walk I discovered that there is absolutely no available coffee in this building, at all. Do you know how unacceptable that is?"
"Sorry Mikey but I don't share your outrage on this one."
"What? Who are you? Are you even human?"
"Just because I don't drink coffee doesn't make me an alien," I laughed as he lifted up my arms and turned my head as he 'inspected' me.
"Do you drink tea?"
"Nope."
"Do drink any hot dinks?"
"Hot Chocolate," I said grinning at the thought of my favourite drink. I could really go for one now actually.
"That's a kid's drink! I'm a mature adult because coffee is for adults."
"Whatever Michael, you'll always be more of a kid than I am."
"Will not."
We were interrupted by Calum walking through the door smiling at us.
"Lacey do you mind if I say a quick hello to Luke because I have to get home?"
"Go ahead Michael," I chuckled at him as he walked through the door.
Calum took Mike's seat and we sat in silence.
"Hey Cal?" I unexpectedly asked in a barely audible volume.
"Yea?"
"What's Luke really in here for?"
He hesitated for a moment making eye for a split second, before he looked down at his hands in his lap.
"Overdose." he hardly spoke the word.
I didn't really know what to say or what to do. I wrapped my arm around Calum's shoulders and gave them a slight reassuring squeeze.
"He didn't mean it. It was an accident, but this is the third time now. I'm just really scared next time he just might not wake up." his eyes had filled with tears, and he bit his bottom lip desperately trying to hold them in.
I embraced him in a tight hug as I whispered in his ear, "It's ok, he'll be ok, you'll be ok, I promise."
But the truth is, I had no idea if everything and everyone were going to be ok. All I could think about was my dad, and how unexpectedly he left us. Death can happen at any moment. My promise to Calum was irrational. Luke could be taken from us tomorrow or in a year. I have no way of telling and that frightens me.
And in that moment Calum's fear became my fear.
--
I rested my hand on the cold silver door handle, petrified of what was awaiting me inside.
Taking a deep breath I walked in. I was greeted by a face that was so familiar yet so strange.
His face was sunken and pale, his eyes surrounded by dark circles. His normally bright blue eyes were a dull grey, and bloodshot. His skin was paler and he was a lot thinner than usual. His blonde hair was dull, lifeless, and disheveled. His lips were cracked and pale, blending into his whitened face. The hospital gown looked odd and out of place, but it also looked like it should be there.
The clear beeping in the background served as a constant reminder of Luke's life, in contrast to the crisp, dull, lifeless surroundings.
Neither of us spoke.
I sat down beside his bed, in a chair I assume was used by Calum and Michael. He averted my gaze, with every last bit of determination.
"I'm sorry Luke."
He looked at me puzzled.
"What are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong."
But I feel like it was my fault for letting you tell me those things that you did and you were scared, and from what I heard that's why you're here.
I wanted to say it so bad but I just couldn't. I shouldn't know those things.
"I don't know. I guess it felt like the right thing to say."
He let out a small genuine laugh. I have never seen him laugh before. It was a beautiful thing, to know that after all he has been through he can still genuinely laugh a little things.
"Luke?"
"Yea?"
"I never said thank you for what you did at the party that night. I appreciate it a lot."
"It may seem like it to you, but I am actually not a heartless jerk, I promise."
"I know that now. But really thank you, who knows where I'd be if you didn't help me."
I might not be here right now if it weren't for him. It was unsaid, but we were both thinking it.
"I'm sorry for being an asshole to you, I was just scared." he lifted his eyes to meet mine as he nervously chewed on his lip.
"It's ok Luke, I don't blame you." I said as I let my hand find his, resting mine on his.
"Thank you Lacey, for everything," He gave me a smile, and squeezed my hand.
"Thank you Luke, for everything," I softly replied.
"Start fresh?" he looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Start fresh." I agreed and returned his smile.
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