The Moment We Were Us - Copyright © 2017 xXMopelXx All Rights Reserved.
Current part posted - August 18, 2017
This story belongs to me. No part of this book may be distributed, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means without the written consent from the author, except for the use of small excerpts in reviews. Unauthorized copying, distribution, reproduction, translation, transmission is an infringement of copyright and punishable by law.
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This short novella can be read as a standalone, but it is a huge spoiler for Boundless Ties readers. If you absolutely want to read BT first to get a sense of who Heidi and Jayden were, go for it! Otherwise happy reading, Queens <3 This story won the #spirituallyromantic contest hosted on wattpad - so thank you so much <3
Fair warning: chapter two and three are pretty spicy. xo
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TMWWU :: 1
There's a pain laced deep inside of me.
It starts off as a simmering ache in my chest, feeling like a heavy weight that's constant. It stops my lungs from getting the air they need.
The pain transforms from quiet to ringing, reaching a point where all I feel is a throbbing in my heart. A hotness evades me as my blood rushes. Warm tears streak down my face.
It's the pain I feel as I watch my best friend and husband being lowered six feet beneath the ground.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I have learned in my teenage years that life isn't a fairy-tale. However, he was my fairy-tale and happy-ever-after.
Now he's gone.
There's a world swarming around me. I feel hands and prayers and condolences touching me.
I'm numb.
For a flicker of a moment, I am numb.
These people around me, I hate. They make me remember. Their sad eyes and watery smiles are the scissors severing the last thread that's keeping me hanging onto my sanity.
It's broken.
Because now I'm crying too. I feel myself falling. But he isn't here to catch me. Not this time.
Jayden, you promised you'd always catch me. You did catch me. You saved me. So why couldn't I save you?
My brother Hunter is next to me, his strong arms bracketing my body. He's catching me as best as he can. Through my blurry vision, I see his anguished face as he shushes me. "Heidi. Breathe. It's going to be okay."
Jayden used to tell me that, too.
So why did he forget to breathe when I asked him to? I was on my hands and knees, begging for his life, yelling at him to breathe as the paramedics tried to revive his fragile heart.
Why didn't he breathe for me, when all I've ever done is do the same for him?
I can't breathe.
All I'm seeing is Jayden Roy.
I'm seeing his angry glares when he was nineteen. The tentative smile he began shooting me at twenty. I'm hearing the whispered words of love he would give me when we'd lie in bed, tracing invisible patterns on our skins. And I'm glimpsing the half-confused and half-I-know-I-love-you-so-much-but-I-don't-know-why looks he began sending me when he no longer remembered who he was after his accident at twenty-three.
Then my mind is conjuring his lifeless body at twenty-six.
I cry harder.
I'm being dragged into the funeral home. I'm thrashing in Hunter's arms.
I can't breathe.
I'm suddenly struck with the thought that this is it. I'll never see Jayden's face ever again.
Hunter points at an expensive looking vase on the ground. It's broken, I realize. I think I broke it, with my frantic hands and explosive shouts.
I can't decipher reality from fiction. His death feels fake, but my emotions feel raw and so real.
Hunter's shaking me, tears rimming his eyes. "Heidi! You need to calm down. Please. I need you to take a deep breath."
I'm struggling with air as I collapse on my pillar of strength in a heap of tears, snot, and heart-break. My sweet brother lets me.
I hear a deep pounding in my head. It hurts.
God, everything hurts.
I realize a minute later that it's not my head, but the clipped sound of someone's footsteps.
Hunter is mumbling something over his shoulder to the stranger who's interrupted my moment of weakness.
My tired gaze roves over Hunter's shoulder.
I take my first deep breath at the sight of familiar brown eyes.
* * *
There's too many people at the Roy Manor. I'm surrounded by everything I wish to be away from.
Pity. Sympathy. Empty Words.
Everything happens for a reason. He was a wonderful man. He was so young and loved, but heaven gained an angel. Lord will show you the way, Heidi. There's light at the end of the dark tunnel.
The only light in this room is the one looming above us from the massive candelabra. The weather outside is dark and cloudy, indicating the start of a storm. It reflects the one residing in me, within the four walls of the cardboard box barely containing my raging emotions.
I manage to escape everyone.
My feet feel heavier than before. I've walked up this staircase many times.
But never like this.
It comes with the territory, I guess. It comes with knowing Jayden won't be waiting for me at the top of the staircase with a broken smile, a vulnerable look in his gaze, and hope blooming inside of him as he holds a crumpled yellow rose because he thinks he's growing closer to remembering us.
Remembering the moment that made us who we were to each other.
I'm running faster, feeling like my feet are sinking in a sandpit.
I'm getting nowhere.
I want to sit in the tub and cry my feelings out until I'm drained completely.
I pass the hallway where there's Jayden's younger brother's room. I see him mourning, too. Jared's room is torn, and he's releasing some form of battle-cry as he sends another shelf crashing to the floor. His ex-girlfriend, Natalie, is standing outside the threshold with a blank look on her face.
I can't comfort him. I don't think it'll be okay.
There's pounding again. Rushing footsteps follow me.
I race to the bathroom and close the door, panting through the wreckage of everything whirling inside of me.
The door creaks open and an oddly familiar cologne hits me.
My eyes are closed.
He moves behind me and stops.
I'm panting. There's no more tears. I'm all noise.
"Heidi."
I never forget his voice.
He disappeared before Jayden's car accident. That accident cost him his memory and handed him a damaged heart in return.
"What do you want?" My voice is void of anything.
"Heidi, I'm sorry," he whispers in a gravelly voice that hints that he still hasn't stopped smoking.
I lean against the vanity. "You need to leave, Donovan."
Our breathing does the talking.
"Go away." I'm scared to look at him. Scared of what he may look like now.
"I've made mistakes, Heidi." His voice cracks with emotions. "I wish I could make amends, but I don't know how."
I laugh, but it's bitter and harsh. "You wouldn't have had to make any amends if you didn't abandon your best friend, Don. Jayden needed you the most. He might have remembered if you were here. But you never came back. Now it's too late. He's dead, Donovan. There's nothing left here for you."
Silence breaches between us.
He dares to cut through it.
"You're here, Lucky."
I spin around. My eyes flare with anger. "Don't ever call me that!"
Only Jayden called me Lucky. I was his lucky charm for every race.
Donovan stares at me with a blank expression. It's terrifying. I realize that gaze used to be so animated. I'm terrified, because it mirrors what's in mine.
Defeat.
I try to remember how much time has trickled between us.
Years...It's been fours years.
Gone is the matching bandana that he and Jayden used to wear in their younger days when they ran the streets. The dog tags he carried around are gone, as well as the baggy t-shirts and ripped jeans. The boyish grins they sported long ago are a far cry to what I see now.
That guy is not even a shadow of what he resembles now.
Donovan looks put together in a grey suit and oxford shoes that are poured over his roped muscles and robust frame. There's no beard dotting that squared-jaw, and I have a first-hand look at how deep his forehead creases and laugh lines have gotten. They're well-worn. His brown irises still have that all-seeing quality to them, but they look wiser beyond their years.
Donovan Shaw looks put together in a way that he wasn't years ago.
He used to be angry, impulsive and the friend who was always cracking jokes.
Now he looks quieter, tamed, and with a restless energy held tight.
"Where have you been?" I'm breaking as I ask.
Don clenches his jaw. "I messed up, Heidi."
All his best friends are dead. He's the last man standing. He pushed Jayden away because he didn't want to deal with more death. Jayden's gone now.
"Pay your respects and go back to wherever it is you came from, Don. You don't belong here anymore."
Don's gaze makes me fidgety. He knows me. He understands my defensiveness too well.
He always saw more than others did.
"It was good seeing you, Heidi."
Him standing here, while my other half is lying six feet underneath the ground, kills me.
"Don't come back, Donovan."
He steps forward, towering over me like he's far beyond my reach. His height intimidates me.
It intimidated me even at fourteen, when he'd asked me out to a school dance with a crooked smile and so much bravado behind the dumpsters at Mac's.
I'd broken that smile when I said no.
I may have broken it further when I met his best friend four years later and fallen in love with him.
Don never said anything.
Not even when Jayden and I had run away and gotten married behind everyone.
"Reach out if you need anything, Heidi."
Don gives me a chin tip, his Irish looks twisting painfully as he walks out.
I won't reach out.
* * *
I'm pregnant.
Two months have passed since the funeral. I'm two months and two weeks along.
My brother's happy and supportive. My mother's sad that her daughter is carrying the child of a man that's no more.
She doesn't understand. Jayden is going to live in my memory forever.
She loves me, but never understood my love for Jayden.
Retrograde amnesia. He could make new memories; he just couldn't remember the past. Not me or his past as a street racer. The accident took that away. It took a part of him away. Then time had taken his heart away from him.
The months blur by. One morning-sickness day at a time.
I'm a shell of who I used to be, but I'm regaining all the things that made me Heidi Warren.
I have this baby to look forward to.
Maybe Lord is showing me the way. I have more fingers gripping the thread of my sanity.
It's going to be okay.
I go into labour.
Everyone is here for me.
Except the father of my child.
My baby boy comes into the world with a giant pair of lungs.
* * *
I faint after delivering Kyle Jayden Warren.
My head is on cloud nine. The feeling of having his tiny body on my chest as we breathe is incredible.
My body, however, is not soaring.
I spend time in the ICU. Everyone's visiting.
I'm overwhelmed with love for this baby. A fierce longing to protect him overcomes me.
I never knew that babies can bring families together. Everyone opposed to my pregnancy is now completely enamoured with his chubby cheeks, little fists, and tiny feet.
He's going to look like Jayden when he grows up.
I trace a finger down the slope of his cheek, admiring the miracle Jayden and I created together.
There's a soft knock at the door.
It's Donovan Shaw.
Wearing an expensive looking suit, he enters with a row of balloons.
He's still put together. In my hospital gown and sweaty face, I'm not.
He takes a seat and ties the ends of the balloons around a vase on my stand.
His brown gaze falls over me. He's fatigue-stricken. "Hey."
"Hey."
"How..." He seems afraid to ask. "How are you feeling?"
I can't lie to him. "Like shit."
He nods, then he peers at me carefully. He's weighing the depth of his next words. "Congratulations, Daisy."
He hasn't called me that in years.
On my fifteenth birthday, he asked me out with a small daisy in his hands and a cheeky smile. I'd lied and said I hated daisies. His smile had fallen. He'd laughed it off and left.
I was just teasing him.
He never wished me happy birthday again.
When I was with Jayden, all he did was give me a smile that never reached his eyes.
But he did call me Daisy at every opportunity. The nickname didn't bother me.
But it used to peeve Jayden occasionally. That's when I started hating it.
So I corned Don one night when we were at a party.
Don and Tony are eyeing a group of girls.
It's not hard to spot him. The bandana and unruly brown hair give him away.
I'm pissed. He's given Jayden the impression that something's going on between us. He needs to stop calling me his Daisy.
"Cut it out, Don! It's not a joke anymore!"
Even Tony flinches away from my tone. Don's frozen, a bottleneck halfway to his mouth.
"You're getting pathetic and I'm tired of making it clear to you. You and I? It's not going to happen. Ever."
The music stops.
Don's features twists into a half-angry-half-embarrassed look as everyone laughs at him. His friends are relentless. Thank God, Jayden isn't here. He'd probably spank my ass for being rude.
"Thanks for nothing, Heidi."
He's angry and hurt.
Don shoulders his way through the crowd and leaves the party.
He stopped talking to me after that incident four years ago. Every time I was around, he'd stand in the opposite end of the room. If I got too close to him, he'd hold his breath - as if scared of another verbal attack - and look away.
He even kept his distance from Jayden. Never telling him why. I never told Jayden either.
"You're going to do great, Heidi." His Irish brogue is strong when he speaks under his breath.
His words break the dam inside of me.
The doctor says it's normal being emotional. New mothers are.
Don doesn't say anything as I cry. "He should be here, Don. He'd make such a great father."
Jayden wanted so much out of life.
He got nothing.
"That's not true. He got you, Heidi. That was enough for him."
I wail harder. My baby starts crying. The nurse comes in. She tells Don visiting hours are over.
He stands.
I see him withdraw something from his suit pocket.
It's a crumpled white daisy.
His brown eyes seem darker as they gaze at me. Before he leaves, he utters words that I haven't heard from him in a decade. "Happy birthday, Heidi."
* * *
"Do you remember when I was hopelessly in love with Donovan Shaw?"
My friend Lyla Anderson sits across from me as she sips green tea from a pink mug.
I'm nursing Kyle in my bedroom.
"Yeah, I do." That was before she fell hopelessly in love with her husband Nash.
"I saw him at the bookstore two days ago. I didn't know he was back in the city. I was out with Layla and Sharlene who needed to check out a few things. I bumped into him in the baby isle. He had his hands filled with children books."
Hunter had a call from an unknown number yesterday. It was Donovan. He asked Hunter how I was doing.
For some reason, Donovan can't find it in himself to contact me.
His daisy is withered somewhere in my drawer. I have a hard time letting go of things that mean a lot to me.
"I wonder why he's in town." Lyla already knows the answer.
It's not a secret.
* * *
T W O W E E K S L A T E R
The doorbell echoes through the house.
Kyle unlatches from my nipple.
At three months and a half, he's a healthy boy.
"Easy, baby," I coo to him as I place him in his crib. He continues fussing.
I have my own place, but I prefer staying with my brother and my mom. Of course, Hunter is busy with his girlfriend. He won't answer the door.
I trip on one of Kyle's stuffed animals on my way down the stairs.
I swing the door open without looking through the peephole.
It's Donovan.
His back is to me, but I recognize the untamed hair and expensive-looking suit.
He spins around.
For a moment, we stare at each another in complete silence. It's been months since the hospital. Too long.
"Don..."
I knew this was bound to happen.
He hedges me a careful look, gauging my reaction.
His eyes do a slow trekking of my body. I realized that I'm still in yoga pants that have baby vomit, my favorite tank top, and my hair tied up in crazy-mommy fashion.
I should be embarrassed, but I'm tired.
My eyes follow down the length of his big body. He's holding a gift basket that's housing children's books, cookies, vitamins, and a hand-knitted blanket.
"This is for you," he says as a greeting.
"You..."
"I've been in town," he rumbles. "I wanted to see you and the baby. I should have called, but..."
My frozen heart thaws out a little. It's been thawing slowly since I had Kyle. But seeing Don on my porch, showing his support in the only way he knows how - actions, not words - I melt a little more.
"Would you like to meet him, Don?"
There's an uncertain glimmer in his eyes, as if he's scared of me. There's a part of me that wants to kick myself as I remember... I did that to him. I made him feel like he can't talk to me openly.
All because he used to call me his Daisy. I was so defensive.
I'm not that same girl anymore.
Don escaped town four years ago and I did a lot of growing up in between then and now.
We're cautious around one another.
I move over and he steps inside. I'm hit with another wave of the musky cologne he's been wearing for a decade.
"I was just about to put him to sleep."
Don scrapes a hand through his stubble-peppered jaw. I notice the fine lines of fatigue marring his face. He's always been handsome, but there's a weariness inside of him that never left.
He's stressed.
There's a ball of nervousness inside of him.
I will him to speak his thoughts with my imploring gaze.
"I wanted to come earlier."
"You should have contacted me."
"I didn't know if that's what you wanted."
"Didn't see you eating at all today, Heidi. Your head's been planted in those damn books."
"I'm trying to study, Don. I don't have time for food!"
He grins. "Just trying to be considerate. Wouldn't want anything to happen to my Daisy. You know flowers wither away when they don't get proper nourishment."
I flip him the bird.
He laughs harder.
Donovan Shaw has always taken me into consideration.
"You're always welcomed here, Don."
* * *
We enter the nursery, our feet light.
I sing softly to Kyle as I approach. "Look who brought you gifts."
Don follows me to the crib and freezes.
His eyes widen. His strong throat works with a powerful swallow. I put the basket down and turn towards my son.
Kyle stares up at Donovan with open curiosity. Spit bubbles gather near his mouth. I reach down to wipe them. He babbles in his language and kicks his onesie-clad feet, reaching out for Don with tiny fists.
"He wants you to pick him up."
Don looks stupefied. I press my hand to his shoulder. It's the first time I've touched him in four years. He flinches a little, and gazes at me carefully. "Can I?"
The tender question pierces something hard in my chest. I gesture towards the rocking chair for him to sit.
Kyle gets louder when Don moves out of his sight.
I watch as Don takes off his king-sized jacket. I pick Kyle and bring him closer.
"I know how to hold babies, Heidi. I want you to know," he whispers. "I've been reading books. I mean, I've never physically held one, but he's safe with me, is what I want to say."
I struggle with my breath. "Donovan, I trust you."
He chin-tips. There's an edge to it. My son is squirming, twisting his little body eagerly to see Don. I don't know what's gotten into him.
I crouch next to Don. My son stares excitedly at him. I hold his tiny palm out and Don grabs it with a big finger.
There's something happening in him. His shuttered expression is bleeding out, and allowing a grain of softness to seep in. "Sweetheart, this is Don. Don, this is Kyle Jayden Warren."
We named him after my late father.
Don exhales roughly. "Jayden?"
And my husband, too.
My throat feels thick. "Y-Yeah."
My son clutches Don's finger like it's his lifeline and grants him the biggest smile I've ever seen. It's wide and toothless. He cackles. Don looks just as moved.
"I'm Donovan, Kyle," he murmurs and I can tell this is hard for him. "But you can call me Don like your father did, and I'll call you Jade like I used to call him."
My heart shakes.
Kyle babbles like he's just agreed.
Don closes his eyes like he's had his heart splintered by Kyle's innocent sound. When he opens them, they're wet.
Overwhelmed with emotions, I hand over Kyle.
He cradles him in his arms like a big bear, and glances down at Kyle like he's everything he imagined.
Don softly smooths a knuckle down the slope of Kyle's cheek. "You have his eyes."
There's a storm raging inside of me. The same one that brewed the night of Jayden's death. It never surfaced properly. I kept it on a tight leash.
But now it feels threatened by Don's words.
The night ends with me watching my dead husband's best friend fall in love with my son.
* * *
It's been a month.
Donovan comes over almost every night. Kyle loves him.
My family loves having Don over.
I'm still angry, but I'm getting better. It's been a little more than a year since Jayden died.
Seeing Donovan act so precious with my son as he plays with him in his nursery undoes me.
It's Jayden that should be here. He should be doing these things.
I miss Jayden so much.
One night when Donovan is leaving to go back home, I snap.
Because suddenly I'm picturing the different course my life would have taken if I'd said yes to him at fourteen.
"I saw you first," he whispers to me one drunken night, by the water, as we celebrate the victory of one of Jayden's races.
He did.
But it's Jayden I fell in love with.
Don pushes a wet strand out of my face.
"I love him," I state firmly.
Don's tortured voice slices me.
"I never said you didn't."
I hate myself for these thoughts. Am I betraying Jayden?
"Heidi?
I'm mad at myself and the world. My next words are cruel. "It's him that should be here. Not you."
Don sucks in a sharp breath. I've hurt him.
There's a feeling climbing inside of me. The same one I used to get when Don and I got too comfortable. It means I'm his daisy.
It opens the door to possibilities that shouldn't be here. Because I was with Jayden then.
That feeling makes me defensive. It's why I lash out at him. It's the only way I know how to protect myself. Stupid, Heidi.
"Aye. I know it should be him." His brogue is strong. Jesus Christ, I've hurt him. "I never meant to be rude or cross any boundaries. I...I just wanted to be in your lives. I'm sorry. I won't come back anymore."
He doesn't even slam the door as he leaves.
I wish he did. It would hurt less.
I'm about to bang my head against the wall when Hunter comes blazing in.
He heard. He's not happy. Nor am I.
I almost beg him to kick me.
His green eyes are on fire. He's about to school me. "He's made some mistakes, Heidi. You know that. But he's also trying to fix them. Let him make amends to Jayden in his own ways - through your son. It would help for Kyle to have a father figure in his life."
"He has you. He has Edgar."
"Edgar is old and his grandfather. He can't run after him and play games."
"You're his uncle. You won't run around and play with him?"
"I'll do whatever it takes to make my nephew happy because I love him to death."
"And what would Donovan be?"
Hunter glares at me like I'm not seeing what he is. "Whatever you want him to be."
I release a pained sound.
"Go apologize to him. Being a bitch doesn't suit you, Heidi."
I've already started climbing the stairs, when I pin him with a look over my shoulder. "Neither does betraying the love of my life."
* * *
I need to fix things between Donovan and I.
I miss him a lot
I haven't seen him in two weeks.
Kyle misses him even more. He keeps staring at the book Don got him, as if he'll magically appear and read it to him.
Hunter's right. I messed up. Don's been nothing but nice to us. He deserves to be in our lives.
God, I always hurt him.
I let my insecurities get the better of me.
I've accepted that Jayden's not coming back. Doesn't mean I should push away Don, who acts like the father figure Kyle should have.
Don's trying to make amends. I can see how much he loves his little Jade.
I won't keep them apart. Jayden wouldn't want that either.
I tell Lyla I messed up. She texts me that Nash is out with Don, shooting up some pool at Mac's.
Hunter can't suppress the grin on his face when I tell him I'm leaving to apologize.
It's a random Wednesday night and the parking lot is empty. My stomach drops when I don't see his familiar Lexus.
I walk around the property.
There.
I see it parked casually in the back alleyway.
The rainfall is heavy and dark, mimicking the state of my heart. I spot Don's big frame through the hard sheets of the torrential downpour.
He's under the awning with a scrawny looking man that looks like Macgregor.
Don's got a white shirt stretched over his broad chest and a navy-blue blazer over one thick forearm. A cigar hangs from his mouth. He seems to be bantering playfully with Macgregor.
I'm soaked. My teeth chatter as I approach them. "D-Don?"
The surprise in his eyes says I'm the last person he expects to see. "Heidi?"
"S-Sorry to interrupt. Can I-I talk to you for a second?"
Macgregor salutes me with a warm smile and gives us privacy as he leaves.
Don pulls me under the awning. His eyebrows draw together. "What is it?"
His eyes devour me. He misses me, too.
It takes that for me to let it all out.
"I'm a mess, Don. It's been more than a year since Jayden passed away and I'm still healing. I still have some anger. Dammit, I know I'm a lot to handle. But I see so much of him in my baby. Jayden and Kyle would have loved each other. And then there's you. You're so loving with him. You give him what Jayden's absence can't. I don't know why it makes me bitter. You're here while Jayden isn't. It's stupid of me and I lashed out at you when I shouldn't have. I should be thankful - and I am - that it's you. Jade adores you. You're perfect together. Whenever...I see that, I begin losing the anger. You're always there for us, even when I'm a bitch. I guess the whole point is to say that I'm sorry and that I appreciate you. So sorry, Don. I miss you so much. Will you please forgive me now?"
I'm panting at the end my speech. He pushes a wet lock behind my ear. "Open your eyes, Heidi."
I do.
"You are a bitch," he says gruffly. "But I wouldn't have you any other way."
"I'm sorry," I say miserably.
"Forgiven."
Did I royally screw up? "Don, do you still want to be in our lives?"
He steps up to me. I'm forced to crane my neck back. This big man has an entire foot over me.
He rubs his fingers over my cheek, catching the water droplets.
"I want to help you out around the house with whatever you need - not because I owe it to Jayden, which I do - but because I want to be in Jade's life. I want to be in your life, Heidi."
His words are meaningful.
It's my turn to extend the olive branch.
"Want to come for dinner tonight?"
A smile falls upon his lips.
His all-seeing eyes brand me in this moment.
Time suddenly stops.
Rewinds and plays.
I'm remembering standing in my old chucks, cut-off shorts and Sean Jean t-shirt, with a sixteen-year-old Don before me with his heart on his sleeve, waiting for me with a little daisy in his hand, his boyish cheeks red from the cold rain.
There's that pounding again. It's not footsteps. Nor is it rain.
It's the sound of my own voraciously beating heart.
A trickle of anger coils away.
"7 o'clock, Donovan. Don't be late."
Don's mouth curls in a heart-melting grin as he wraps his blazer around my shoulders to ward off the chill. God, he's handsome. "Wouldn't dream of it, Daisy."
Hope.
After months, it sparks inside of me.
I take a deep breath.
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A/N's: I hope you guys all enjoyed :) So, what did you think of it, overall? Was there something that stood out to you? What did you think about Heidi? Donovan? Baby Kyle? Heidi and Don's memories? The prompt for this contest was that someone loses a loved person and finds it in themselves to love again! Do you think this one-shot corresponded to it properly?
Special thank you to Paige (2readalot) for helping me find the picture and Uzzie (wintryroads) for creating my cover! x