Upon waking the next day we'd all begun to do things as if this never all happened. I sat at the piano smiling as I wrote a dash of notes across the paper and as I let my fingers dance over the music notes. Strand walked up putting a drink in front of me. Letting the drink enter my mouth I raised an eyebrow glancing at him. "I want you to quit drinking." Strand came out with it quickly. I raised a sceptical eyebrow letting the rest of the water fill my mouth, drain down my throat.
"Why? I'm not bad." I tried but he only shook his head.
"I've watched you carefully for months now and every time of the day you're always drinking. It's not healthy and as much as I enjoy a fine scotch I don't enjoy it every five minutes." Strand pointed out making me turn away from him. I didn't want to be hearing this. It wasn't like I was endangering anyone.
"Trust me; I'm better off a drunk than sober." I sighed out sternly.
"I'm not ignorant to it Kali, but somethings scaring the hell out of you. You have to tell someone before you lose your mind. You're not brave or exceptionally good at surviving but you scrape by only just enough. Find someone to confide in. You can keep drinking yourself into a stupor in hopes it'll stop haunting you. I know what it's like trust me, when all you wanna do is give up, but you can't. I believe you didn't come this far just to die Kali." Strand commented keeping his eyes on me. Turning to him I really wanted to believe he had my best interests at heart but it was hard to when every time he'd made it clear he didn't believe I was going to survive.
"Maybe I'll let you in on my deep dark secret one day. But just give me time." I whispered turning away from him. Maddison rushed into the room moments later as I let my fingers dance leisurely over the keys.
"I need you to keep Strand's scotches coming, he got stabbed. I'll be out for a while." Maddison ordered and I stood up nodding but paused for a short moment.
"You were a guidance councillor right?" I asked softly meeting her gaze and she turned to me confused at my inquiry.
"Yeah, is this important I really gotta go." Maddison commented in a rush and I knew she probably wouldn't say anything I didn't think I already knew.
"No...it's fine, it can wait." I whispered taking the bottle up to the room where Strand was. Once I got in there I saw Alicia and the almost doctor. "How is he?" I asked looking down at him worriedly.
"His heart doesn't have enough blood to pump to his organs." The man informed me with a grave frown. Placing the scotch down on the table I knelt down next to the bed. I'd never admit it but I'd actually grown to care about him and a lot of people I never really thought I would ever care about.
"Should I begin writing my will?" Strand asked with a small smile.
"Maddison will bring you help." The man answered shaking his head as Alicia walked over placing a blanket over him.
"What if they get held up?" Strand asked.
"We'll keep pressure on the wound." The doctor informed him turning away and walking far enough away.
"You have excellent beside manners, Andres could take a few tips." Strand commented dryly.
"I volunteered at county USC through High School. The nurses taught us that what you don't say to patients is as important as what you do say." She shared with Strand applying pressure on his wound.
"For instance?" Strand asked in hope of keeping a distraction from his pain.
"I'm not going to tell you it's going to be alright." Alicia gravely shared with Strand keeping her eyes on his wound instead of meeting his gaze.
"Why on earth not?" Strand groaned out.
"It might not be," Alicia replied making him laugh.
"I changed my mind, your bedside manners as abysmal." Strand laughed out keeping his gaze on Alicia.
"You didn't seem like someone who liked sugar coating." Alicia shared with a big smile.
"I don't, never needed it." Strand muttered.
"same" Alicia replied and I glanced between them unable to relate as no one had ever really told me or tried to comfort me. I'd never been in the situation. Never had anything remarkably hard happen in my life that hadn't happened to millions of other people. But these two people sitting in front of me were stronger than I could ever hope to be because of all the trials they've endured. I haven't been through any of it. I doubt I ever would.
"You said you raised yourself, what does that mean?" Strand asked starting a conversation with Alicia.
"I was helping everyone else, I was a doctor to Nick, through his withdrawals and my dad..."Alicia trailed off remembering everything she'd ever done yet no one ever did anything for her. Not really.
"Your mother?" Strand asked softly.
"Had her hands full." Alicia replied.
"You have her all to yourself now." Strand groaned out.
"I didn't want it like this. I'm still not sure she actually sees me." Alicia confessed.
"Then make her." Strand ordered slowly. I met Alicia's gaze giving her a sad smile. After what seemed like a while she took a break and it was my turn to place pressure on him as she went to the bathroom. "Will you finally confess?"
"I'm taking your advice, but I have a lot to fear by giving it up." I replied worriedly a small smile forming on my lips sadly.
"You can tell me, I'm dying anyway." He shared. I couldn't help the unsettling pit in my stomach. I'd feared anyone ever finding out my whole life. My whole life I'd tried to keep this secret, I didn't want people to know what had happened to me, how fucked up the famous Luther family was. I knew if he'd told anyone about it in the future I'd easily deny it. But it was this constant weight on my chest, exploding in massive bouts of pain and shame.
"When I was a child, my father, you know he used to come into my room, read me stories. The usual a father would do for his daughter. I was confused when it started, he used to play these games with me, holding me, touching me, I didn't realise until I got older, and it got worse. I thought...I thought that was how you were supposed to act with your parents. But I was always a very secluded child. They never really let me outside with kids my own age. When I got older and socialising became a thing, my father he knew I'd found out what he'd been doing to me was wrong so he wasn't so playful and passive about it. I didn't want to tell anyone. I was terrified of what he would do to me. But it only got worse as time went on, he became more aggressive with his advances. He tried to keep me close, but pulled away slightly when I started seeing Nick. I still remember it like it was yesterday though. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate myself." I felt my lip quiver, tears falling and I'd never felt so ashamed of myself. Ashamed of what I'd just confessed. I felt his eyes on me, pitying me, not sure if he ever wanted to touch something so damaged and used. I let go of his wound quickly and Alicia walked in right at that time and I heard him calling out for me but I ran out quickly disappearing down into the bar. Holding my head I took massive amounts of drinks from the bottle. I'd felt the shame rise and fall in my chest as I downed drink after drink trying to forget I'd ever told him.
I never wanted to tell anyone. Not about what happened. It was wrong. I was all wrong. That's all I was, a victim, a statistic. A stupid rich statistic. I tried to expel the traumatic flashes of him, my own father, gripping me, running his hands over my body forcing me down, drawing blood, me letting a curdling scream but in the end submitting because I knew there was nothing I could do. There never was. I laid there all night, just knowing he wouldn't like me after this. He would feel disgust every time he saw me. I remember the time I'd contemplated telling Nick the truth. I so badly wanted to tell him, get it off my chest but I talked myself out of it.
Who would ever love someone who was incest molested by their father up until the age of 15. He wouldn't love me. He wouldn't have loved me no matter how good or how kind he was. I always knew he wouldn't love me. I wasn't worth it. But just the day before I had finally talked myself into telling him, he'd just left, disappeared. No one told me where he went. Not Maddison. Not Alicia. No one. But it just proved what I knew all along, no one could ever love me. I was too far gone for that.