Hermione hated doing rounds.
Everyone assumed that just because she was Hermione Granger she was a stickler for rules. Never mind that as a student she and her two best friends spent the entirety of their education sneaking around and figuring out ways to circumvent any and all rules. As an Auror it may have been her job to enforce the law, but she always regarded the laws of man as an incidental concern, ancillary to the higher laws of morality. She didn't revel in busting the chops of the well-meaning ignorant. Likewise, as a professor, she derived no pleasure from reprimanding children for their ultimately harmless, technically forbidden behaviors. Furthermore, while she was fond of her students, she certainly was not their mother and thank Merlin for that. Honestly, she was nervous enough about being Scorpius's stepmother, and he was one of the easy ones.
As she unenthusiastically drudged through the castle, pretending to look for troublemakers and trying not to feel like a hypocrite, she imagined all the things she'd rather be doing.
Folding her laundry.
Finishing A Tale of Two Cities for the third time.
Picking a wedding planner.
Sending sexy messages via two-way parchment to Draco.
Extinguishing a small, controlled fire with her face.
Suddenly, she heard a noise coming from a nearby broom closet. It could not have been more unwelcome. She knew that noise. A feminine giggle, a shuffling of bodies against a wooden door, a low moan. It was the sound of two teenagers fornicating. Whoever they were, they must be below sixth year not to know how to cast a Silencing Charm.
Fuuuuck. Why me? I don't really give a shit if these kids want to experiment with each other, so long as they're safe about it.
Mustering all the professionalism she possessed, she steadied her wand at the lock and unthinkingly intoned, "Bombarda."
The doorknob soared through the air, leaving in its wake a trail of splinters. Two voices, a male and a female, released a litany of shrieks and curses in surprise at the intrusion. As the door swung open to reveal the culprits, Hermione cursed Neville Longbottom for talking her into switching nights with him.
"Rose? Scorpius?" She wanted to vomit at the sight of her two favorite students' flushed faces and similar states of dishevelment. "What do you think you're doing in there?" It was probably the most superfluous question she had ever uttered, as she already knew exactly what they were doing. Her eyes widened as she observed the pair.
Scorpius's shirt was untucked, and unbuttoned to his chest. Rose's shirt lay forgotten on the broom closet floor, and she stood there, covering herself, clad only in her bra and her uniform skirt. They each were sporting fresh hickeys, raging blushes, and swollen, red lips. Neither was able to make eye contact with her.
"Um...okay. This is..." She didn't have a game plan for how to finish that sentence. It was what, exactly? What word could possibly encompass the whirlwind of Niffler shit that was this situation? Uncomfortable? Horrifying? Yucky? None of them even scratched the surface. This situation was multifaceted. Like a glass of Fernet, it was damn near impossible for her to swallow.
On the one hand, you had Scorpius—her future stepson. As a pseudo-parent, how was she supposed to handle this? What would Draco do? Could she ground him within the castle? Now listen here, young man. There will be no shenanigans with this, or any other, young lady while you're under this roof. She wasn't sure she was quite uncool enough to pull that off.
On the other hand, there was Rose—her goddaughter. She had known this girl since she was a baby. She had (under extreme duress from Ginny) changed her diapers, watched her take her first steps, seen her off on the Hogwart's Express for her first day of school. And now here she was, covered in love bites, shirtless, about to do Merlin knows what, with her boyfriend. Who also happened to be Hermione's future stepson, and round and round we go.
Goddammit!!! Why couldn't Neville have found this instead of her?
Or better yet, why couldn't it have been any other two children in the entire bloody castle?
"Alright. So...um...Rose, you should...probably put your shirt back on, sweetheart. And Scorpius, you should fix your tie and um...head on back to the dungeons. Oh, and um...twenty points from Gryffindor and Slytherin for being caught after hours."
In a broom closet, maybe about to have sex, she mentally added.
Scorpius nodded and tucked in his shirt. Hermione turned her head as he bent his head down to Rose's ear and whispered, "I'll see you tomorrow," and kissed her goodnight. His eyes remained firmly planted on the floor as he darted past Hermione towards his common room.
Rose bit her lip as she put her shirt back on. "Um...we weren't really doing anything, Aunt Hermione."
Hermione internally scoffed. Only because I interrupted you before you got to the good part.
Hermione squinted her eyes shut. "Rose, would it be possible for you and I to speak about this another day? I wasn't exactly prepared to deal with this tonight and I think I'm getting a migraine."
Rose nodded solemnly. "Are you going to tell my parents?"
Hermione inhaled deeply and sighed. "I don't see any reason to. But you really should talk to your mother if you're thinking about..." Having sex. Say it. Say it, damn you! She cleared her throat. "She'll understand. And...she'd want you to come to her with something like this."
Rose worried her bottom lip. "Can I talk to you about it, too?"
That took Hermione by surprise. "Um...sure. But not tonight, alright?"
Rose nodded. "Thank you, Aunt Hermione." She fixed herself and headed to Gryffindor Tower.
Once she was out of sight Hermione threw a small fit. She grabbed her hair with both hands and whispered loudly to herself, "Fuuuuuuuuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUUUCK!"
She didn't finish her rounds that night and she slept horribly. Oh, the joys of parenthood.
_____________________
I need to talk to you. Can you come by today? --Hermione
Draco clutched her note in his hand. He'd bet anything this had to do with Jean's engagement party. As he trailed the corridors that led to Hermione's office, ignoring the airy Hello, Mr. Malfoy's that were thrown his way by older Slytherin girls, he thanked the gods he had a partner as brilliant as Hermione Granger. She'd know exactly how to handle the situation.
He found the door to her office open and a very nervous Hermione sitting at her desk, biting her nails, a habit in which she only indulged when she was nervous.
"By all means, continue gnawing on your nails like a barbarian. But don't be surprised if I leave you should you mess up your teeth. I like you pretty, Granger," he said, his eyes sparkling playfully as he walked over and sat on her desk.
She rolled her eyes. "I get enough of that from my mother, thank you."
"Speaking of your mother," Draco dove right in, "I assume you called me here about this." He held up the invitation he managed to strong arm from Weasley's grip the other night.
Hermione's brows furrowed. "I don't know what that is. I called you here because I caught Scorpius and Rose snogging in a broom closet the other night and I need to know what I should do about it."
Draco narrowed his eyes. "O-kaaay?"
Hermione sighed. "They were...pretty far into it when I found them."
Draco chuckled. "They're fourteen, Hermione. They can snog a little bit."
Her expression dried. "I'm fairly certain they wouldn't have kept it to strictly snogging had I not interrupted. Rose wasn't wearing a shirt when I found them."
Draco's eyes widened slightly. So, Scorpius took his advice. And apparently, it worked out for him. What does one say to that? "Uhhh...."
"Exactly. Do you know what this means?"
"My son is a debonair charmer who talks girls out of their clothes?"
Hermione's eyes darkened. "You're not taking this seriously. It means that if they're already doing that then...other stuff isn't too far down the line." She hopped up out of her seat and began pacing.
Draco nodded. "Right. And...I'm sorry. Why exactly do I need to know about my son's after-hours activities in broom closets?"
Hermione huffed. "You mean to tell me you're not going to do anything about it?"
Draco narrowed his eyes and contemplated how he could possibly answer that question in a fashion that would satisfy Hermione. He examined her. She wore that specific flavor of know-it-all on her face that meant she was inviting him to challenge her. Her lips were pursed, her eyes slightly rounded, her brow wrinkled. Her arms were folded tightly in front her of and her hip was cocked slightly to the right. He imagined this wasn't too far off from her fighting stance from her Auror days.
"I suppose I could," he cocked his head slightly, "talk to Scorpius?" It was a question more than an offer.
She rolled her eyes. "About?"
"About...protection?"
She dropped her arms and her eyes widened into near perfect circles.
Shit. Wrong answer.
"You're not going to explain to him that he's far too young to start thinking about becoming sexually active?"
Draco scratched the back of his neck. "Well, if you'll recall, Scorpius has technically been thinking about becoming sexually active for quite some time now. Remember the letter he wrote—"
"Draco, I swear to God, do not bring that up now."
He snickered. "I'm sorry, Hermione, but this isn't exactly coming out of nowhere. He's fourteen."
"'He's fourteen.' You say that like it explains everything."
"Okay. You're right. It doesn't explain everything." He cleared his throat. "He's fourteen and he's male."
Hermione's mouth disappeared into the thinnest of lines. "Why are you being so blasé about this? Aren't you upset?"
Draco shrugged. "Honestly, I'm just relieved he's interested in someone like Rose. He has better taste than I did at that age."
"Oh, yes. Let's not forget your connoisseurship of quality women." Hermione's hair had expanded to a frightful height in her indignation and her cheeks were flushed. Draco thought she looked positively adorable, but he suspected trying to flirt with her would be dangerous right now.
"Better that he loses his virginity to Rose rather than someone like...I don't know..."
"Pansy Parkinson," Hermione replied dryly.
Draco snapped his fingers. "Precisely."
Hermione narrowed her eyes dangerously. "I can't believe you're willing to just let your son make this huge decision without talking to him first."
Draco was not about to tell her about the conversation he recently had with his son. He suspected that she was so fussed about this situation because it was Rose his son was snogging and doing...well...everything that comes after.
"Well, to be fair, I tried to talk to him about this last year. That didn't go very well, if you'll remember. But things are different now. He's got a nice girlfriend, he's matured quite a bit, and he's the same age I was when I lost my virginity."
"Because it's such a good idea for Scorpius to make the same decisions you did at his age?"
"No. I never said that. I explicitly said that I didn't want him to make the same mistakes I did."
"By screwing around with girls like Pansy Parkinson?"
"Exactly." He scowled, wondering when this had turned into a fight. He had been so careful.
Hermione made a face. "Why you ever wanted to lose your virginity to a little pug-faced shrew like her, I'll never know."
Draco shrugged. "She let me?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You know what? Fine. Do what you want. He's your son. But I'm going to talk to Rose." She turned her back to Draco and began rifling through papers on her desk.
Draco took a deep breath and counted to three. He reminded himself that just because his hot-headed lover was looking for a fight, it didn't mean he should indulge her. "Look, Hermione. I understand that you're concerned about Rose, but Scorpius would never do anything to hurt her."
The papers stilled. Her back stiffened slightly. "I know. I just...I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this. Not as their teacher, but as Scorpius's stepmother. What exactly is my role going to be?"
Draco stepped towards her. "Well, you're going to be a co-parent to him and a wife to me. What further instruction do you need?"
"Do I have jurisdiction to punish him?"
Draco's eyes widened. "For this?"
"Yes. No. I don't know." She sighed. "I guess I just didn't realize that you were alright with the idea of your son having sex."
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I wouldn't say that at all. There's a huge part of me that wishes he were still a little boy. But he's growing up. I can't stop him from doing that. And you needn't worry about your role in this." He placed a calming kiss on her jaw. "Scorpius adores you. And you both are abominable know-it-alls and I love you all the more for it." Hermione smiled. Draco pushed a curl out of her face and traced his thumb across her cheek. "This will work. You, me and Scorpius are already a family whether you realize it or not. The rest we'll figure out along the way."
She leaned in and kissed him. He grinned into the kiss and held her tightly to his chest.
"I'm sorry I freaked out," she murmured against his shoulder, hugging him. "I guess I am a little nervous about being a stepmother. I'm afraid I don't know the rules."
He kissed the top of her head. "I don't think there are any. And on the bright side, Scorpius is just about done. He won't require too much raising on either of our parts. That kid is the self-cleaning oven of progeny."
She chuckled against his chest. "Thank God for that."
Draco practically purred as he felt her melt into him. She was relaxed now. He had done his job.
"What was that thing?"
Draco's eyes flew open. "Huh?"
"The piece of paper you had in your hand when you came in here."
He sighed. "That, my darling wife-to-be, is proof that I'm crazy for you, as that is the only explanation for why I put up with certain things." He fished in his jacket pocket for the invitation and handed it to her.
As Hermione's eyes slid across the card, her face twisted into disdain. "Why? We already had a thing. At Ginny's."
"Ah, but this is different. This is meant to be a surprise for us, which is, of course, entirely hopeless considering the fact that none of your friends can keep a bloody secret."
Hermione groaned. "A surprise party?"
"Plus, there's the simple fact that I'm assuming all your relatives will be in attendance, many of whom do not know that you're a witch and will therefore not be invited to our wedding. And, of course, I'm assuming they'll want to know all about your dashing fiancé."
Hermione growled. "You know we have to go along with this fucking thing, right?"
"I was worried you might say that." He sighed. "Are you absolutely positive there's no way out of it? We could be away that weekend. I have summer homes in other places besides Capri. What about The Maldives? Have you ever been? Sure, it's monsoon season, so probably not the best time to go, but—"
"My mother's only trying to do something nice for us, Draco. The least we can do is go to her party."
"Well, I guess when you put it like that..." Draco's face fell. "I still hate it."
Hermione chuckled. "It's best to just let her have her way about these things."
Draco sighed, recalling Potter's words and hoping he was at least wrong about Jean's penchant for themed parties. "I suppose you and I are stupendously buggered."
Hermione draped her arms around his middle. "Are you starting to regret getting engaged to an icky Muggle-born girl?"
Draco chuckled into her hair. "Oh, you are the ickiest. But as it turns out I happen to adore that in a woman."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Do you now?"
Draco hummed in affirmation. "The ickier the better."
"Well, that explains Pansy Parkinson."
"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous that you didn't besmirch my innocence yourself, Granger."
"You can believe that if you'd like."
"I do believe that. And it's entirely your own fault. If you hadn't had such a bug up your pert little arse about me in school, it could have easily been you."
Hermione snorted. "Rubbish. Said bug was entirely justified if I remember correctly. You were an arse. If it was anyone's fault, it was yours. Plus, I had entirely too much self-respect back then to make that particular blond decision."
He dragged his hands over her arse and squeezed gently. "Are you sure you didn't fancy me at least a little?"
"I would have fancied putting you in a headlock, does that count?"
"Hmmm. Perhaps later, love. After all, we are in your office and it wouldn't kill you to have a little professionalism. For the sake of the children, you know."
She scoffed indignantly. "Excuse me? Did you, or did you not, take me right on this very desk just last week?"
Draco shrugged. "Witch, you were begging for it."
"So, when are you going to talk to Scorpius?" she asked, ignoring his attempt to shift the conversation into their own deranged brand of foreplay.
Draco's eyes widened. "Uhhh...you still want me to do that?"
Hermione smiled sweetly and kissed him full on the lips. "Make it a good talk. See that he understands." She kissed her way to the hollow point under his ear.
Draco hissed. "Whatever you want," said his penis.
Hermione lightly bit his neck. "You should do it now." She rubbed his shoulders. "Well, Mr. Malfoy, I have an appointment with one of my students. So, if you don't mind," she sauntered off to her desk, leaving him slack-jawed and horny.
He grumbled softly. Damn that witch! "Of course, my darling lover. I'll get right on that."
He turned to exit her office. She laughed from her chair. "If you're very good, you'll get bonus points."
He stilled in his tracks. He released an aroused sigh before turning around to face her, his eyes sparkling with playful lust. "Hermione, unless you want your student to witness me fucking you into that desk and reducing it to a pile of splinters, I suggest you stop talking like that."
"Um...Professor Granger?"
Draco clamped his eyes shut and prayed to the gods for deliverance. Of course, they wouldn't give it to him because the gods, if they existed at all, were a bunch of sadistic pricks who enjoyed watching him suffer, but a guy could still hope. He turned around to face the girl who absolutely, one hundred percent, heard every bit of what he had just said to Hermione.
"Rose. How are you?" he asked his son's girlfriend, who stood there, gaze averted to the floor, looking small, and innocent, and supremely uncomfortable.
"I'm very well, Mr. Malfoy."
"Good. Well..." Draco shuffled his feet a bit. "Excuse me. I'm just going to..." he mumbled as he trailed past her, never to finish his sentence.
Rose stood there with her hands behind her back, smiling meekly at Hermione. "I'm sorry. I know I'm a bit early, but your door was open and I didn't realize Mr. Malfoy was here."
Hermione waved off her comment. "Not at all, Rose. Please come in."
Rose sat in the chair across from Hermione. "I suppose that's as good an introduction as any to talk about sex," Rose said over her nervous laughter.
Hermione responded with her own desperate laugh. "Yes, well. I am sorry you overheard Mr. Malfoy just now. But I suppose you're right." She cleared her throat. "So. You think you're ready to have sex?"
______________________
"Incredible."
Scorpius's breath caught in his throat as he flipped through the book Albus had pilfered from his mother's sock drawer. Scorpius had read a fuck load of books in his day, but absolutely none of them had been like this one. For one, the entire point of the book wasn't words. It was pictures. Glorious pictures. Terrifying pictures. Pictures of men and women screwing each other six ways from Sunday. This book, this Kamasutra, seemed to be a sort of instructional manual in the dirty arts. And boy, oh boy, did Scorpius love learning new things. So far, under the book's tutelage, he had come to the conclusion that women were the absolute best sports on Earth that they allowed men to do these things to them. He hoped they enjoyed it as much as he assumed he would, should he ever be lucky enough to find himself in any of these positions.
He was particularly entranced by a position called The Airplane, when he was interrupted by a deep cough.
"Dad?" He immediately threw the book over his shoulder and stuck a pillow in his lap.
"Doing some reading there, Scorp?" Draco asked, fighting a smirk.
Scorpius grumbled. "I was."
"Have time for a chat?"
_________________
Hermione choked on her tea as Rose regaled her with the tale of hers and Scorpius's failed encounter behind the greenhouse.
"So, you see, Aunt Hermione, you shouldn't worry about me feeling pressured. If anything, I'm the one who pressured him."
Hermione gulped as she battled with her intellect and her instincts. Her intellect told her that it was a good thing that Rose was blossoming into a young woman who was owning her sexuality and whose boyfriend wouldn't push her to do things she wasn't ready for. Her instincts told her that Rose was just a child and nononononono way should she be thinking about these things until she was at least 30.
Hermione's instincts also really didn't want to know that Scorpius was a little too quick on the draw.
Rose sighed. "I told him he had nothing to be embarrassed about, but I can tell he's still embarrassed."
_______________
"I'm bloody mortified about it, Dad! This is not how I wanted my sex life to start out."
If literally any other person had told Draco this story, he would have cracked a rib laughing at them. "I know, Scorp. You'd probably rather your sex life started out like that," he said, gesturing to the Kamasutra book laying on the floor, the page open to The Airplane. "But you'll need to work up to that sort of thing. And believe me when I say you will get used to the idea of...you know, and in the future you will avoid more...accidents."
________________
"Um...Rose, dear...I'm flattered that you saw fit to confide in me, but I—"
"And thank you so much, Aunt Hermione, for listening. I knew that as a feminist you'd understand that this is just a healthy way for me to express my budding sexuality."
Hermione raised an eyebrow. Holy shit, she pulled the Feminist Card. Well, damn. I can't refute that. Little snot should have been in Slytherin. "Yes, it's certainly quite normal, Rose. But, I just want you to understand that once you take that step, you can never go—"
"I mean, most people would simply repeat the sort of patriarchal rhetoric that is nothing more than a product of living in a society that overvalues young women's virginities and shames them for coming into their sexuality. Don't you agree, Aunt Hermione?"
This fucking kid could rule the goddamn world. Hermione was not used to being rendered speechless. Her brain was flushed of everything she had prepared to say to Rose. Her precocious goddaughter would not tolerate hypocrisy, so what did that leave? She leaned back in her chair. "You seem very confident in your decision."
"I've thought about it a lot."
"You're fourteen."
"Almost fifteen. This isn't unusual for people my age, Aunt Hermione."
She sighed. "I know that. It's just not easy for me to admit you're not a little girl anymore."
_________________
"You know about protection, right?"
Scorpius nodded.
"Because I don't fancy becoming a grandfather before I reach my mid-thirties."
"I know, Dad. We'll be careful."
"Good." Draco stuffed his hands in his pockets and congratulated himself on a job well done. He was fairly certain that if the kids knew to be careful, that pretty much covered everything.
__________________
"And it's not just me, Rose. Draco is having this same conversation with Scorpius right now. A thorough, lengthy discussion on what it means to take the next step."
___________________
"Chocolate frog?" Scorpius offered the treat to his father.
Draco shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
The two Malfoy men munched on their treats in silence for a bit. "So, how are classes going?"
____________________
"And I don't anticipate he'll let Scorpius off as easy."
_____________________
"Merlin, Scorp. You're taking Advanced Ancient Runes and Advanced Arithmancy? Are you a masochist or just an insane nerd?"
Scorpius shrugged. "It will look good on my resume to have the N.E.W.T.s."
Draco shook his head in disbelief. He recalled Advanced Arithmancy being a particular bore. Blaise only scooted by with an Acceptable because he was sleeping with Professor Vector at the time. Draco sniggered, recalling how Blaise defended his actions, saying he wanted to see how many times 16 could go into 48.
Yeah, he probably shouldn't share that anecdote with Scorpius.
_____________________
"Draco and I are on the same page about all of this."
_____________________
"You're not upset I'm going to start having sex soon?"
Draco shrugged. "Other than wanting you to be safe, it's really none of my business."
_____________________
"In fact, I'd wager that right this very second, Scorpius is feeling rather uncomfortable. I can only imagine what they're talking about."
_____________________
Scorpius bit the head off another Chocolate Frog. "You hear Sluggy checked himself into St. Mungo's rehab facility this summer?"
"Did he really? Huh. Good for him. The old sod always did drink too much."
______________________
"So, really, you're getting off quite easy having to listen to me."
Rose sighed. "You won't change my mind. I wanted to talk to you because I thought you'd understand."
Hermione bit her lip. "Look, I'm not going to give you my blessing. But what I will do is take you to Madam Pomfrey's to make sure you get set up on the right Contraceptive Potion. If you're going to do this, you're going to be safe."
Hermione gave herself a mental pat on the back for being such an understanding godmother. She wondered if Draco had finished talking to Scorpius, yet. Definitely not. I'm sure he has a lot he wants to cover with him.
______________________
"Did Professor Granger really tell you to come talk to me about this? Merlin, you are whipped aren't you, Dad?"
Draco rolled his eyes. "You don't know the half of it. Her parents alone—"
"Oh, speaking of them." Scorpius reached in his bedside drawer and pulled out a small, rectangular card. "I got this by owl a few days ago. It's supposed to be a surprise, but I figured you'd hate that, so I'm warning you."
Draco's eyes widened as he stared at the invitation. "Merlin, she invited you, too?"
"Albus got one, too. So did Rose. And I'd wager Lily, James, and Hugo got them, too, seeing as they're all Professor Granger's godchildren."
Draco's head reeled. "That woman doesn't miss anything."
Scorpius shrugged. "I figured I'd go. It's always entertaining to watch you try to interact with Edward."
A vein in Draco's temple began pulsing. "Cheers for the vote of confidence, son."
Scorpius nodded. "You are welcome."
Draco hung his head in his hands. "You want some actual advice, Scorp? Not about sex, because I'm honestly done to death talking to you about that, but about women in general?"
Scorpius leaned in, eager to hear what his father had to say. "Lay it on me."
"If at all possible, try to find one whose family isn't bat-shit barmy."
Scorpius contemplated this. "I don't think Rose's dad likes me very much."
Draco waved that off. "Consider that a lost cause. You look too much like me."
____________________________
"Well, Miss Weasley, I'm glad to see that you're being responsible. More young ladies should take the initiative to come and see me about these things," Madam Pomfrey said. Hermione rolled her eyes at the Healer's easy acceptance of her goddaughter's blossom into womanhood.
"And what about you, Ms. Granger? Do you have anything you need to see me about?"
"No, thank you, Madam Pomfrey. I'm just here for Rose."
Madam Pomfrey examined her through narrowed slits. "Well, that would certainly be a first, wouldn't it? You not needing some sort of medical attention." She took Hermione's chin between her fingers and moved her face either way. "Are you absolutely positive, Ms. Granger, that you do not need my help?"
Hermione winced at the older woman's rough handling of her face. "Yes, Madam Pomfrey. I'm quite sure."
Madam Pomfrey released a subtle, indignant cough. These kids were all so naïve.