Edmund patiently suffered through an entire journey of Classic FM before he and Hawes arrived once more in Lesser Farthing. They spoke very little as Hawes unloaded a small hessian bag from her car, and Edmund watched her curiously.
"Want another cup of tea, ma'am?" he asked, as she locked her car without another word and strode off down the pavement.
"You don't need any more coffee, Gray" Hawes retorted. "And no, thank you."
"Damn" Edmund smiled ruefully, lengthening his stride to catch up with her. "There was me thinking I was being clever."
"When are you ever clever?"
"I've saved two lives on this job."
"By nearly killing yourself in the process, yes. There's a fine line between calculated bravery and stupidity, and I'm never totally sure which side of it you're on."
"Always so supportive of me, aren't you, ma'am?"
"Always."
By this point, they had reached the bottom of the hill, and went through the little rickety gate, beginning to climb.
"What's the plan then, ma'am?"
"You'll see."
Edmund humphed. He hadn't been expecting quite so blunt an answer. He was still in the clothes he had been wearing the previous night, and was wondering when exactly he was going to get to shower. Hopefully, not much later than that lunchtime.
As something occurred to him, he fished his phone out of his pocket, sending Tiger a quick text.
I know you all hate me and stuff, but pls could someone drop me off a change of clothes (preferably a suit!) at the station?? Cos idek when I'm gonna be back...
"What's that?" Hawes asked abruptly, as she saw him put his phone away.
"Change of clothes" Edmund replied. "I'm trying to persuade my friends to drop me some at the station, so I can shower. I know they're bloody awful showers, but I doubt we'll be going home anytime soon."
"Fair point" Hawes conceded, as they reached the stone courtyard. "Come on."
The two of them reached the top of the hill, and Hawes dumped Edmund with the Hessian bag. He grunted a little in surprise, as it was incredibly heavy.
"The hell's in here?" he asked.
"A very powerful UV light" Hawes replied, motioning for Edmund to bend down to her level so she could reach inside the bag he now carried like a baby. "I wouldn't carry it like that. It'll get hot once I've switched it on."
"Won't it, like, burn through this bag?" Edmund pointed out, feeling like his knees were going to give way as he squatted awkwardly in a half-crouch. Hawes sucked her lip, intent on what she was doing.
"Hasn't so far" she replied casually. "On this occasion, I think I can take my chances."
She pulled out a white rod about the length of Edmund's forearm, and plugged a wire into it. She then retrieved something which Edmund could only describe as a Star Wars lightsaber hilt, opened it up, and clipped it around the rod. The inner geek in Edmund couldn't help but grin.
"I mean" Hawes carried on. "You are only holding the battery-what?"
Edmund realised that he had been smirking a little too widely. He tried his best to mask it. Hawes looked from her Sargeant to the UV light in her hand, making the connection.
"Don't say lightsaber" she groaned, setting off across the courtyard, Edmund trotting behind her, now attached by the wire. Mischievously, he hummed the Star Wars Imperial March tune just loud enough for Hawes to hear him.
Author's Note: For those non-Star Wars fans, the tune Edmund is singing can be found below, starting at about 0:09.
Much to Edmund's disappointment, this initial gag received no response, so as they wedged open the front door of the house and slipped inside, he changed tack and went with Mos Eisley Cantina jingle.
Author's Note: Again, I've added this one in below.
This time, Hawes paused, and, to Edmund's delight, snorted off into giggles.
"Don't" she chided, sniggering. "We're officers of the law, for Christ's sake."
"Funny is it but. Lightsaber looks your light UV" Edmund replied cheekily, doing his very best Yoda impression, down to the facial expression.
"You wonder why I constantly tell you that I hate you" his boss groaned, flicking the UV light on and making the contraption look even more like a lightsaber. "Besides. Cameron designed it. So naturally it's reminiscent of popular 70s culture."
"Cammie designed this?" Edmund repeated, amazed. Hawes checked herself.
"I shouldn't have told you that" she sighed. "Too much on my mind, at present. Come on. Look."
In the UV light, four sets of footprints had shown up on the dark floor-two sets going up the stairs, and two slightly fainter ones coming down.
"Down we go" Hawes commented, leading Edmund across the hall floor and through to the kitchen, where the line Hawes had made on the floor the previous night glowing ominously by the service hatch.
"I'm not looking forward to this, might I add" Edmund commented blithely. "How are we going to get that down there, anyhow?"
"How are you, you mean" Hawes replied. "Surprisingly for you, I'm sure, I still can't fit down that hole. Therefore the main bulk of the investigating falls to you."
Edmund noted that he really should have realised that. With a groan, he acknowledged Hawes's point. She humphed.
"There's a few more bits and pieces in the bag for you. A tracker, for one, so I know roughly where you are-"
"There'll be no phone signal down there" Edmund pointed out.
"Doesn't need phone signal. There's also a couple of tools, in case there's any locks to break. There's also a hammer, which is as good a weapon as any in a pinch. Oh, don't look at me like that."
With a tut and a roll of her eyes, she flicked off the UV light, handed it to Edmund, and crossed to the chain, beginning to haul the dumb-waiter up once more.
Holding the UV light in one hand and the small Hessian bag in the other, Edmund couldn't help but feel like a bit of a twat. It wasn't the best look to be sporting as one was about to descend once more into an abyss of tunnels possibly used by an active drug smuggling ring.
But then, who said policing was glamourous?
Edmund voiced these concerns to his colleague, standing by the chain, who snorted distainfully at him. Edmund responded by pulling a very ugly face, before hooking the Hessian bag into his strongest arm, putting the UV lightsaber inside it, and descending into the pit.
When his feet finally hit the bottom with a bit of a squelch, Edmund stepped off the ladder, flicked on the lightsaber and held it aloft, only minorly disappointed that it didn't make the characteristic lightsaber 'schoooom' sound. The trail was pretty easy to follow, and Edmund set off quite quickly, lightsaber in one hand, Hessian bag in the other.
He had to walk quite a way-Edmund reckoned he must have been somewhere in the centre of Lesser Farthing village when the trail turned off into one of the smaller passages. He followed it, and came up against a dead end, with a small ladder and a wooden trapdoor above.
Edmund paused, flicking the UV light off and then on again. There was absolutely no light coming through the cracks in the floorboards, implying that he was probably underneath a carpet or a rug. Edmund guessed rug, as if people were regularly up and down this hatch then they probably wouldn't want to go through the effort of rolling the carpet up every time.
He pulled out his phone, extinguishing the lightsaber and turning his phone torch on, so that he could get some idea of the colours of the floorboards and the rug above. He took a few photos with his flash, just to make sure.
Only then, did he try and push the trapdoor up.
He wasn't expecting it to give, but give it did. In fact, it was completely unhindered by anything other than the rug, and Edmund inched it up a few centimetres, as he couldn't hear anything nearby. One side of the rug creased, letting a little bit of sunlight through-and the faint smell of baking bread.
Realising he had all he needed, Edmund closed the trapdoor, lit up his lightsaber, and returned the way he had come.