"Brooke-"
Ashton's alarming voice jolted me awake, causing my eyes to fly open and an empty gasp to run out my mouth. I looked to see only darkness around me, swarming and engulfing me until I was trapped. I sat up in pure confusion and fear, whipping my head from side to side in search of him. Only him.
"Ashton?" I called out, staggering to my knees ontop of the bed. It felt empty. "Ashton!" my voice cracked into a hoarse wail.
He was gone, wasn't he? I couldn't feel him in my presence, I couldn't reach out and hug him to me, maybe I couldn't even hear his faint voice as he said my name over and over again.
"Brooke," Ashton's voice grew louder, and the dizziness I didn't realize I had went away almost instantly as I felt his hands instantly grab my shoulders. "Brooke what the hell happened?"
"I don't- I can't..." I mumbled. It was maybe around 1 in the morning, and I had a nightmare. "Ashton-"
"You're sweating," Ashton sounded more scared than I was. "You-You're shaking, Brooke. What happened?"
"I don't know!" I cried out, shutting my eyes to force the tears down my cheeks. They were hot against my cold skin, and I began to shake more. "Th-there were... demons, a-and monsters and darkness and despair and-"
"Brooke," I heard Ashton's soft voice and my eyes opened to see him face to face with me. The bright moonlight that shone through the window made his wide eyes glow. I was imediately mesmerized by them, but my focus was drawn away when my vision became blurry again. Tears flowed out of my eyes, and I shut them. I tangled my fingers into my hair and shook my head, cursing to myself.
"Hey," Ashton said softly. I could feel him closer than before. "Brooke-"
Without really knowing it, I started to laugh. It wasn't the type of laugh I usually get when I'm with Ashton. Those laughs are full of joy and liveliness. This particular laugh was empty and quite sadening.
"I'm such a freak-" my words were cut off by another cold and hearltess laugh at myself. "I'm so fucking pathetic I can't even sleep at night!" I leaned back and held my hands over my stomach, now cracking up. The room was filled with my laughter, which only made it feel more empty. I'm not really sure what was so funny, but for some reason I laughed like a homeless man on crack.
"What?" Ashton breathed. I glanced at him briefly, and all I could focus on in those short moments were the horror in his eyes. Horror at me, probably.
"I don't fucking know!" I laughed again.
"Brooke what the fuck," he said harshly. His harsh tone surprised me, and I quieted down. "What's so funny?"
"Me!" I started to laugh again. I laughed at my foolish and stupid self, who can't even get myself to sleep at night. And, the fact that I woke Ashton up again when I really shouldn't.
"Brooke stop." Ashton pleaded. His tone had shifted dramatically, and now it sounded as if it was full of despair. My laughter was ceased once again, and the pounding in my heart started to slow down. But, as it slowed down, it felt weak. It felt as if my heart was pumping air, rather than the blood in which I needed to live. With one second the room fell silent, and Ashton and I both stared at each other.
"I'm sorry," I finally cried out, feeling more tears brim my eyes. I let them fall down my cheeks as I wriggled in between Ashton's legs and crashed into him, forcing his warmth and comfort upon me. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"
"Brooke," Ashton said again, this time with a softer voice. His strong arms wrapped around me yet I couldn't get mine around him. I stayed as a crumpled up ball, hugging my knees and trying to bury myself as much as I could against his chest. I felt as if it was the only way to actually feel safe from every dark thought that pushed its way into my slumber.
"I'm so s-sorry," I staggered. "I didn't m-mean to-"
"Shh," Ashton said against me. "Baby you're fine-"
"No I'm n-not," I said with my mouth muffled against his chest. "I'm...I'm just-"
"You're with me," Ashton finished off my statement with something completely different than what I was going to say. "You're with me."
"I didn't mean to," my breathing was getting heavier. "W-wake you up."
"I don't care," he said quietly, running his hand up and down my back. I shook my head again, with more guilt dawning on me. "Brooke I don't care."
"Well I do!" I leaned back a little to look at him, and no longer were they that glowing green. They were wide, but they didn't sparkle. They were sad; with his eyebrows furrowed over them to make him look like he was genuinely growing worried with me. Was he, though?
I kept looking at him for an answer, and the room fell silent again. I don't like this kind of silence; it makes me think that something bad is going to happen. I waited for what seemed like hours for him to say something, though maybe it was only a few seconds. Ashton looked at me like I was on the verge of growing crazy, and I wasn't sure if he was worried or just plain scared of me. If he's scared, then I'm screwed.
He didn't say anything, he just tilted his head the side a little bit and brought his hand up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I watched as he kept his eyes on mine, and ran his fingertips down my arm to take my hand in his. "You're fine." his voice cracked into a hoarse whisper and his eyes traveled up and down me, still full of either worry or fear. I wasn't sure which one it was.
"You're...you're fine." he said again.
Surprisingly, I felt the shakiness in my body die down. I continued to look at Ashton for what felt like forever, and with every second the room grew quiter. I wanted to cry again, but I was scared to. The look on Ashton's face was something I've never seen before, and it hurt to look at him.
Hurt to look at him. That's something I never thought I would ever say to myself. But as long as I tried to push that thought out, I was distracted by how quiet the room actually got. You could hear a feather hit the floor, I bet. I felt uncomfortable, and quite scared of it.
"Ashton?" I blurted out to break the silence.
"Yeah Brooke?" he replied.
I began to feel weak again, but I spoke up anyways.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Ashton looked puzzled.
"Like...are you there?" I felt lame asking. "Not mentally, really. Like, are you there...emotionally? You good?"
"Are you asking me if I'm happy?" he asked.
"Well...yeah," I replied. "I guess that's a more clear way to ask it."
Ashton looked at me with a look in his eyes that I've never really seen before. I couldn't really explain it, but I also couldn't tell what he was trying to say to me if he was trying to speak through his eyes. I've come to realize I can tell what Ashton is thinking of just by the look in his eyes...and all I could see in him right now was a spark of pure relief.
"Of course I am." Ashton said softly. His tone was full of truth, and that made me relax a little.
"That's all I care about." I said.
Ashton looked like he wanted to say something, but he closed his mouth. He looked at me with a more relaxed and tranquil look in his eyes, which also made me relax even more. I could breath, I could see, and most importantly I could feel him next to me. Without any of us saying another word he tucked his arms around me again, pulling me to his chest. I shut my eyes and breathed in, slowly feeling my limbs grow heavier and my mind hazier. I wanted to sleep, but only if that meant he was too.
With Ashton's tight grip around me we slightly moved our bodies from side to side, and the only sound the room was his breathing getting heavier along with mine. It took a while, but I managed to finally feel like I was on the verge of falling back to sleep. We shifted our bodies so we were laying down with me to his right with my arm over his stomach.
"I don't want to go to school tomorrow," I broke the silence. "I don't want to go anywhere."
"Why?" Ashton asked.
I felt myself getting sleepier and sleepier, and I was thankful I had spent the night with Ashton because if not I probably would have drowned myself in alcohol again. I know I said I wouldn't do that again, especially by myself, but I also know that I lie sometimes. Before I was able to drift off into a hopefully peaceful slumber, I spoke up to answer his question.
"Because I don't like the way people treat you."
...
*Ashton's POV*
I didn't really see the need to go back to sleep, since it would be the worst way to wake back up if Brooke had another nightmare. It was only 1:30 am, but I couldn't find any strength to even shut my eyes. I layed there, Brooke tucked under my arm with my eyes glancing back and fourth from the ceiling to the moon that hung in the sky. A lot of emotions seemed to be clouding up my brain, but I couldn't pinpoint just one specific feeling.
I don't know what the hell is going on with her, but it's gonna drive me crazy if it's not fixed.
Well then do something about it you idiot. I thought to myself. But what can I do? I mean sure, I can tell what she's thinking of when she doesn't necessarily say it, but how can I fix someone who can't even sleep at night? How can I fix someone who is so obvious when they're anxious or scared, yet they can't really explain how they feel? As I layed there in bewilderment, I had no clue what to do. Which is really upsetting, since I tell Brooke she can tell me anything no matter what.
And she still can tell my anything, and that's what's pissing me off. I'm there to be a boyfriend, but I'm also there to listen and actually care about what's on her mind and be there as a friend. A best friend, as she's said before. I'm not a judgemental person at all. Literally, I can't think of a single time either Brooke or Michael or Calum or Luke or anyone has ever told me something and I thought they were a freak because of it. That's not how these things work; these things work with two people, both of which are open to anything.
How could anything that anyone think or say ever make me think they're a freak? Everyone has a reason to be upset and it's never mattered to me what the reason was. It could be the smallest thing that is making Brooke like this, but I would treat it as the biggest thing in the world.
And with all these thoughts it made me realize something. A nightmare is nightmare, people get them all the time. But when Brooke wakes up screaming and crying and shaking and sweating, it makes me wonder: does that happen to everyone all the time? Is that how nightmares work for people? I've never heard of anyone having that type of reaction...
Well, except for myself.
But those don't happen anymore. I pleaded in my mind. And it's true, they don't. So if I can only picture myself as well as the person I love as the only ones on this earth that can become so anxious to the point where they wake up crying and shaking...what does that make us? I don't really know the answer, and I'm hoping Brooke will be okay soon. I'm worried sick yet I'm scared to ask her about it because I'm afraid she'll get mad at me. But I don't see why she would, when it's obvious that I'm only caring for her.
I finally managed to shut my eyes and take a deep breath, scooting down so my face was more level with hers. I turned onto my side and looked at her, relived to see her eyes were shut and she seemed to be sound asleep. I ran my hand through her hair and down her back, kissing her forehead one more time before trying my best to go to sleep.
...
*Brooke's POV*
I was unfortunately woken up not long after I seemed to have fallen back asleep, but it didn't feel so unfortunate when I realized the person waking me up was Ashton. "Brooke," he said softly. I opened my eyes to see his eyes looking back at me with his nose brushing against mine. "Come on."
"What time is it?" I croaked.
"Six," he replied, causing me to groan and bury my face into my pillow. "Come on."
"I don't want to go to school," I said, turning onto my back to look at him. "I said that already."
"I know but," Ashton said back. He got up out of bed and ran his hands through his messy hair. "I have to go. And I can't go alone."
"Or you could stay here," I answered. "We both can."
"No no...." Ashton's voice trailed off. "I...I can't ditch again."
"What the hell why?"
"Please Brooke? I already skipped yesterday." Ashton threw on a shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, and walked into the bathroom to fix his hair.
"So?" I protested, getting up as well. I stood to my feet, but I slumped back down on the warm sheets at the sudden coldness I felt in the room. "You're smart. You can catch up. Besides, your mom's here."
"I know," Ashton nodded. "But I can't miss anymore school. I've already missed enough this year."
"Just lie and say your sick."
"Just come with me."
"But I hate it there." I sounded more angry than I should have.
"Yeah I do too." Ashton retorted.
"Then stay."
"But I fucking can't-"
"We're arguing." I blurted out, my eyes widening and my stomach dropping with realization. All at once the room fell silent, and Ashton and I looked at each other with a lot of fear and need for reassurance. Ashton awkwardly shifted onto his left foot, and looked down to the floor.
"Right," he finally broke the silence. He looked really lost, as I probably did too. He looked back up at me, and I slowly nodded my head to get him to say something since I had no clue what to do.
"Uh... okay let's start over," he said with a deep breath. "Will you please come to school with me Brooke?"
"Yes," I replied with a slight stutter. "I will."
Ashton's lips spread into a little smile, and with that I stepped closer to him to hug my arms aroud his torso. "Sorry," I mumbled against him. "You're right. I shouldn't skip."
"That's my Lovey." Ashton said softly, kissing the top of my head.
...
We walked up the front steps of our school with about 10 minutes to spare. I luckily had a few articles of clothing left at Ashton's place, and we made it out the door without waking his mother or grandmother up. Now that he was here with me, I felt a lot better. I felt like shit walking up here without him yesterday, and even though I would rather be in Ashton's bed than here...I was glad he was at my side.
As we walked through the courtyard I kept my fearful eyes out infront of me, only taking them off the bench that rested about 30 yards away to look up at Ashton. His narrowed eyes scanned the area over and over again, and I could see the pulse on his neck raging faster. But I kept quiet, and clung to his hand for dear life. I spotted Michael and Sydney sitting at the bench not too far away, and more relief came over me at the sight of more friends.
"Hey there he is," Michael called out as we approached. I watched as Ashton and Michael highfived and bumped knuckles. "How was the weekend?"
"The week end was very eventful." Ashton replied, settling down on the bench between Michael and I. By the tone of both of their voices, I could tell Michael knew about Ashton's mom and stuff. I glanced over to Sydney, who shot me a friendly smile and a wave, and I returned the gesture.
"Can I come over after school?" Michael asked Ashton. I shot my eyes over to him, and he looked at Ashton with a look I've never really seen before. It was faint to tell, but he almost looked and sounded..well, a little desperate.
"Yeah of course," Ashton nodded. He squeezed my hand and looked over to me, and I couldn't tell if he was trying to say something or not. But, I didn't want to seem clingy or anything.
"I think I'm gonna head home after school," I said with a reassuring smile. "I haven't been home in forever it feels like."
"You sure?" Ashton asked. I nodded my head and pecked hs soft lips. As I did so, the bell rang, and I groaned.
"Hey at least we have art!" Ashton chirped, springing to his feet and holding his hand out for me. I gladly took it and got up as well. We said goodbye to Michael and Sydney, and headed off to first period.
...
"You good?" Ashton asked as we stopped infront of his 3rd period classroom. Art had gone by too fast, and unfortunately, my next class was across the school. I turned and grabbed both his hands, swinging our arms from side to side and letting my eyes travel up from his feet to his face.
"Yeah," I nodded. "And you?"
"I'm good," he replied. I leaned up to lock my lips with his for a few seconds, before pulling him in for a hug.
"You and me." I said as I backed up, giving Ashton a tired smile. Ashton smled back before we both said our goodbyes for now. I slowly turned on my heels and walked off, brushing past every person around me. I felt like I was being stared down, and I hoped it was just my nerves kicking in.
As I got to the middle of the courtayrd I was about half way to where I needed to be. I wished I was somewhere else... preferably Ashton's apartment, with The Titanic playing on the TV and Ashton's head resting in my lap so I could play with his hair. I've been growing to hate school now a days, and it urkes me how much my persepctive has changed on it. I just wish-
"Brooke." I heard a familiar voice behind me. My heart skipped a beat and I turned around to see Leila jogging up to me. Her hair was now pink, and she still wore tattered dark clothing.
"O-oh," I stuttered. "Hey."
"Glad I could catch up," she sad nicely. "Where you headed?"
"Oh, just across to the math building."
"Same here!" she smiled. But before I could say anything else, her happy tone changed to a more serious note. "Look," she said. "Sorry for what I said the other day about Ashton. I mean yeah, I don't like him and I think he's different now, but I guess it was kinda bitchy to talk about me and everyone else he's hooked up with. I dunno, maybe if I was into the whole, 'steady boyfriend' kind of thing I would get why it would upset you."
"It didn't upset me," I assured, even though it really did. and still does. "It's alright."
"Well that's good," Leila nodded. "Because I'll tell you, you seem nice. Like, really nice."
"Me?" I asked. "Well thank you. You're not half bad yourself."
"Aw that's so sweet," Leila joked around with me. We kept walking side by side, and I couldn't help but glance around to see if anyone was staring. Sure enough, Jessie was. My heart started to pound at the sight of her, standing with some people only 10 yards away. Her blue eyes were wide as she stared from me to Leila, and the look she possesed looked...almost sad, if I could tell. I looked back at her with furrowed eyebrows, yet she didn't look at me again. She kept her eyes on Leila, and only Leila, with her jaw line tensing up and her bottom lip curling in with what looked like a lot of anger.
"So," Leila's voice interrupted my thoughts. "I have a question."
"Yeah?" I said awkwardly, prying my sight from Jessie.
"Well I wanna get to know you more," She replied. "And I'm not as bitchy as everyone says I am, trust me. So we should hang out sometime. You dig?"
"Oh, um, s-sure," I stuttered. "When?"
"Me and a couple friends will be having a small party-type thing this Friday night," Leila informed me. "You can swing by if you want."
I instanly gulped. Friday...it was at the end of the week, yet I could tell it was much closer than I would like. I barely know this girl, Ashton hates her, she hates Ashton, I'm supposed to hate her, but here she is; asking me to be her friend, it seemed like. But why? Why does she want to get to know me so bad? I can't go, that's ridiculous. I shouldn't even be talking to her! She gives me a weird vibe, no matter how nice her tone is to me. I trust Ashton's words when he says she's a bitch, so she must be pulling some shit with me. I didn't like this at all.
"I think I'm busy Friday night." I said. Honestly, I probably will be.
"Oh," Leila sounded disappointed. She stopped infront of a classroom, and I guessed it was hers. "Wait."
"Yeah?"
"Are you like, with Ashton on Friday?" She asked.
"I mean probably," I replied.
"I could tell," she laughed. "Since ya'll are obsessed and whatnot."
"What? Me?" I retorted. "I'm not like... obsessed with him."
"It sure looks like it, but there's nothing wrong with that," she chuckled. "It's cool I guess. Except I could just tell right now it won't be as fun."
"Well I can't," I said. I'm not sure what she meant by her words, but I would really rather stay with Ashton than her anyday. "And what do you mean?"
"I can just see in Ashton he's not the same," Leila replied. "I can guess and say he probably hasn't gotten wasted in so long."
"He does, and I do too," I scoffed. "Maybe not everyday like you-"
"Brooke it's okay! I'm just saying," Leila put her hands up in defense. "If ya get bored, text me." Before I could even say she's absurd, she took my phone and punched her name and number into my contacts. I wasn't sure why I didn't snatch it back; I just let her give me the now apparent option of texting her Friday night.
"Okay," I said awkwardly. "I'm gonna go now."
"Alright. Nice seeing you again." Leila shot me a warm smile, and I swear to god if she's faking, she's really good at it.
I nodded my head, and quickly sped off, pushing through everyone to get as far away from her was possible. I had a weird feeling in my stomach, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I shook my head and cursed at myself for being an idiot... and I just kept on walking, alone.