Mangled and threaded amongst my silk bed sheets, I contemplated my every next move, next word, next breath. Would I avoid him? Would I approach him?
Avoiding would be easier but confrontation was oddly compelling.
"He's here..." I mumbled to myself. Really here. Skin, flesh and bone. I really did see those hypnotic chocolate eyes. And did I really hear him plead? Was the forlorn really so deafening I had to run away?
The image was distorted in my head, as if merely a dream that boarded the uncanny edge of a nightmare. The picture didn't seem right, I never imagined Ash begging for acceptance, not even when I hoped that he would come back to me. It was like a manipulated photograph that had been burned into my conscience. And it was all I saw.
Drawing the crimson silk sheets over my lithe body further, I saw his eyes flash in my head, their despondent frowns. But I also saw his inner sanguine, the one I had smothered with one macabre look. I saw the raw riptide of power that brewed within. It was the familiar Ash I knew, the one I loved.
And he was here. A little broken. Enervated cracks. But still, here.
A knock on the front door rang through the pent house hallways and struck my eardrums like the heralding of a prince. I shot straight up so vigorously, my bones rattled beneath my skin. Who could be knocking on the door?
Elaina was locked up in her room, probably still searching for something worth punching. In the end, I came to the conclusion that it must be my staff manager, Stella. She would often come knocking, telling me about a spontaneous interview she had agreed to. And I wasn't surprised, after this mornings events, I had some talking to do.
Delphox caressed a hand across my leg, comfort laced in her touch. She had been consoling since I had stormed into the pent house a few hours ago, muttering about how he was back.
"It's okay." I told the fire Pokemon, as if to assuage her anxiety for me. "I'm fine. I'm put together and independent. It's probably just an interview and I'll give them a reasonable explanation for today's encounter."
I crept down the marble tiles in a zeal-less manner, as if my limbs could detach from their tendons in a split second. Like the worlds weight could cripple me with the slightest change of pressure. As if I could flake off the face of the earth so soundlessly, the wind could have inhaled me away.
I did not expect to see the face that was there, behind that polished mahogany door. Some part of me would have preferred an onslaught of paparazzi, firing questions like bullets from a machine gun. The other part wished for nothing else. Just his well sculpted and unblemished features, looking flustered under a mop of unkept jet hair. Both options amounted to the same uproar of clamor, despite hundreds to one single boy.
It was Ash Ketchum. The perfect concoction of good and bad, a collision of smiles and heartbreaks, sunny days and cumulonimbus clouds. He was shooting stars, destructive waves and rose thorns, wrapped in a ribbon of caramel skin and thick ebony lashes. He was my one true love and everything I never wanted. He was so many things at once, I didn't know if I could cope.
"Ash?" I questioned. The name felt strange in my mouth, like a brand new note to sing. But it also rolled off my tongue with such refinement, I couldn't help but love the sound.
"Hey, Serena." And to hear my name in that voice. The damn awful voice I told myself was ugly, but knew it was my crowning lullaby. I should hate it. I needed to hate it.
"What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?" I queried, the confusion raking through my expression like a disease. But I really didn't care how he found himself on my doorstep, it was something to say. Something to keep a fatuous silence from dousing us both.
"Well, surprisingly it isn't that hard to find where the Kalos Queen and the Kalos league champion share a pent house. The Internet is helpful at times." He smiled, as if it were a matter to smile about.
"You want to talk that bad?" I asked, my voice verging the edge of a hiss. I wanted to talk; I wanted to scream so many things at this boy, it would melt his very conscience into a gurgling heap of regrets and qualms. I wanted to yell about every tear he caused me to shed, every pulsing ache that he summoned, until he could feel them circuit through his own body. But I also wanted to crawl close and inhale his distinct scent, let the spice channel through my lungs like it once did. I wanted to caress what I had been deprived of until his skin felt natural under mine again.
"I didn't fly all the way here to not talk to you." He rationed, and the expression on my face softened. I had decided to act on neutral territory. I would neither scream nor praise.
"Pika! Pikachu!" It wasn't until the yellow mouse spoke up did I realize he was there, still perched upon Ash's shoulder as if he had never left. Cheeks rosy and ecstatic yellow fur curled beside a homely smile. I had missed the little rodent very much. I could have used his potent thunderbolt on many occasions throughout the years. It was not the Pokemon's idea to leave and I could never blame him.
"Hello Pikachu! It's been a long while. I missed you very much." I cooed, wishing to scratched the creature behind the ear, a place I knew he favored. But I kept my hands secure at my sides, in fear if I crept any closer to Ash, my touch would travel dark places.
The raven haired boy's face flushed with a mixture of jealousy and shame as I lulled his Pokemon with my words. The twisted emotions that swirled behind his bister irises could have portrayed a form of torture, as if I was tormenting him. Teasing the voice inside his head that ached for me to confess how much I missed him. I told myself to be stubborn. And so I was.
"Zorua!" A squeaky voice yapped from behind Ash, temporarily startling him. The knee-height Pokemon scampered through the open entrance as if his kingly thrown sat within the room. But I supposed, he felt as if Elaina's room was his royal palace and my best friend his queen.
"Serena, is that you're Pokemon?" Ash asked as his eyes trekked the creature who trotted down the pent house corridor, blue orbs gleaming with their usual shrewdness.
"No, Zorua is--"
"Zorua!?Is that you?" A voice sounded from the guest bedroom, catching Ash's attention with the same fright a gun shot would.
"Elaina's." I finished, just as the dire click of her bedroom door opening rang down the pristine hallways, jouncing into our ears like a distress signal. I was sure the only word running through Ash's head in a steady thrumming was: Run.
As she walked down the corridor towards Ash and I, all to be seen was an innocent girl. Eyes tired and feet marginally dragging across the marble floor. Golden hair in a frenzied mess, as if she had been attempting to tear it out herself. But there was still slender hints of a smile quirking the plumps of her cheeks. Her gaze was entirely narrowed at her Pokemon, failing to notice Ash standing in the doorway.
As soon as she finished ruffling Zorua's ashen locks, she peered up and caught my eyes, then Ash's. Something dark ignited within her, like the born of a black flame. I could see hatred tingle her skin, rippling through her chest and creasing the corners of her eyes into that intense glower I knew well. I could have sworn, one day the winds would change and her face would be forever stuck in that trite frown.
Elaina stood slowly, approaching the the front door with no emotion, save for the bleak and mad look welled in her pupils. When she stood next to me in the doorway, a few lucid feet between her and Ash, I thought she would say something. I expected more screaming, yelling, and raspy insults. Instead, there was an excruciating silence.
But the gold haired girl could only hold back for so long, especially when the quietness seemed to egg her on, pleading for her to strike. I watched as she raised her balled fist and swung with brute force, like thunder cackled from her bleached knuckles. I half expected Ash to dodge this blow, like he had the last, in one deft duck. But he didn't.
Alternatively, he stood rigid and still, allowing Elaina's fist to make contact square between the eyes. I'm sure he could have avoided the attack, he was well practiced and knowing Ash, his mind was always on the battlefield. It was as if he let her punch him, like he knew he deserved the pain. Like he wanted to punish himself. Feel the retribution.
But as soon as the shooting discomfort scorched through his nerves, Ash doubled over, hands clutching his nose. A clean crack snapped through the air as soon as the contact was made and I cringed, having to look away.
"Pika! Pikachu!" The yellow creature shrieked, skidding off Ash's shoulder with the sudden jerk. Worrisome swam in Pikachu's ebony eyes as he glanced up at his trainer.
"I don't miss twice!" Elaina seethed, as if forcing the words through sharpened fangs. Ash spluttered in response, moaning as thick streams of warm blood trickled between his fingers and ridge of his upper lip.
"I think...you...broke...my nose." Ash groaned amongst hiccups and severe intakes of breath. He flung his head back, as if to drain the blood back into his nostrils. I gaped in utter shock, not sure wether to help Ash or scold Elaina or laugh.
"You spilt the blood, Ash. And now it's gone bad." The gold haired girl hissed before pivoting on her heel to storm back into the pent house. Her bland cursing drifted away as she searched the kitchen for a first aid kit, clutching the hand she used to plant that punch.
"Argh, damn, that hurt." Were the last words I heard from her.
Turning back to the jet haired boy, I saw his unwavering stare and flinched, nose still turned skywards and looking out the corner of his eye. Rivers of scarlet trekked discord paths down the bottom half of his face. His fingers were painted in the same stomach-wrenching cardinal color. And I smelt the metallic redolent of blood.
"Did she actually break your nose?" I asked, though it came out rather distorted, an awkward mixture of sniggering and seriousness.
"Yeah, I think so." He winced, prodding at the tender spot. I sighed, rubbing a cold hand across my temples in a prolonged movement, hesitation tying my tongue for a brief moment.
"You need to see nurse Joy. Come on, I'll take you to the Pokemon Center. It's not far from here." I said eventually. Pushing past Ash, our shoulders grazed unintentionally. I wasn't meant to feel anything for the raven haired champion anymore. But that small contact ignited fulminations pulsating in heated waves across my skin. It was a touch I missed so much. With every ounce of the better me, I ignored it.
I didn't look back to see if Ash was following me, just listened to rhythmic tap of his steps behind my back. Some part of me still roared, thinking that he was this close. After so long, there were only a few feet between us. And they were papery, I could tear through them at any moment. Run into his arms like passing through water. But I refused myself the opportunity. You're better than that I thought to myself as I pressed the elevator button. He hasn't pleaded enough yet. He hasn't said the right words.
Exciting the crystal, sun kaleidoscope of a building I lived in, Ash and I were back on the streets of Lumiose City together. There was a flood of de-ja-vu, filling my veins with an odd nostalgia. The same feeling that pulsed through me durning our journey's through Kalos, with Bonnie and Clemont, Elaina and the twins.
But now I was brimming with a tragic resentment and Ash covered in his own blood.
Luckily, the heart of Lumiose City was always ardent with traffic and not many people payed attention to Ash's horrific mess. We walked through the busier part of the city without exchanging a word. However, I could feel the champion's urge to speak.
Soon, we out-distanced the crowds and I was left with only the company of an odd passerby to rid me of any reason to talk to Ash. I was scared--terrified, of what could happen if we started talking. Maybe I wouldn't stop, not until I felt as if I'd blabbed those three years back.
"When did you become Kalos Queen?" He spoke first, almost frightening me out of my skin. I exhaled, trying to seep tranquility back into my body but I was having trouble.
"About a year ago, when I had just turned eighteen." I informed him, smiling slightly at the memory of the day it happened. I remembered the fire, the stars and glitter and applause. I remembered my name rolling off a thousand lips and a sea of smiles rocking with elation. And there was no hesitation, no denial in that moment. I was ready for the crown, revving to be Queen. To perform again. And again and again.
"I wish I was there, to see your winning performance." He uttered. I did wish it too. It was the one time after I left to Hoenn where I genuinely wished he was by my side. The only moment I felt as if I'd be better with a king. Though, I never told him.
"So...what about you? What's it like being the champion of Kanto?" I wondered, gaze flickering to where he strode beside me, hand still clutching his fissured nose. Pikachu was secured onto his shoulder again, examining the damage in his own caring way.
"It's great. I love being champion, being recognized for doing the thing I love. Though the paparazzi likes to get involved with every important aspect of my life, which can sometimes be hard on my mum. But I'm still looking to go forwards and do not plan on being champion forever. Pokemon master, that's still the dream." He told me around the streams of blood that percolated into his mouth. I knew his dream, almost as thoroughly as I knew my own. It was one he would never give up, not for the world, not for the life of him. "Besides, it means I get to work closely with Gary and Professor Oak."
"How is Gary? I haven't seen him in ages. We lost touch about a year ago cause he was so busy." I asked and there was a slight puzzlement in Ash's expression. Possibly, he tried to scrunch his face with perplex but couldn't due to his aching nose. He wasn't aware that Gary and I talked. We mostly discussed Ash and how he was coping. I could tell Gary felt sympathy for Elaina and I, being left in Kalos without anything but a letter, so he kept us updated on the situation in Pallet.
"He's fine. Very much engrossed with his research. He's become quite recognized for his work on Greninja and I. Also, he's starting to write a book about the fantasical bonds between trainer and Pokemon." Ash chuckled at the unlikeliness that carved a path in reality. I smiled too, feeling a laugh tickle my own throat. Who would have thought Gary Oak would write a book?
"That's great! And I presume you'll be mentioned on the occasion?" Something heavy was lifted, hindering the feeling that could crush me from the inside out. It's like my body was suddenly flaccid, but it was a good loss. The alleviated air was like nicotine in my lungs. I wanted to hold onto normality with Ash. Like those three years never happened. But they had happened. And nothing could deny that.
"Well, yes, it's inevitable. But I guess there's nothing we can do about it. You and I, Serena, we've made our mark on the world, cutthroat and deep. We won't fade for a long while." He said, gaze trained on the sky, still attempting to reverse the steams of blood. It was like a thousand years of thought had been accumulated into those words. He'd thought about it a lot, and in the end, he was right. All I could do was nod, although, we'd already reached the Pokemon Center.
We walked inside, greeted Nurse Joy who expressed great concern for Ash's state. She prodded and examined the champion's nose, briefly recognizing him for the celebrity he was, then cracking it back into place on a count of three. She ignored Ash's groans and patched him up in a heap of gauze and first aid tape, warning him not to do anything too reckless for six weeks. The chances of that were extremely sparse, but he nodded all the same.
I stood idly by the door, watching as grey cumulus clouds rolled into the sky, threatening wicked rain drops any second. The city fell under a thick shadow, streets beginning to devoid in anticipation of the coming precipitation. The siege brought a tingling cold with it, and I watched the currents sweep across the streets. Forecast on the TV the other day had said there would be thunderstorms this week.
"I'm all patched up!" Ash announced and I smiled, lips closed and skin crinkling under my eyes.
"Good, then I better head home." I told him before turning on my heel to leave. I would only allow myself to see that his wellbeing was managed, nothing more, nothing less. To make attachments on only the worth of one conversation was like letting go of a cliff edge before even trying to pull yourself up.
Ash caught my wrist in his burnt caramel hands, pulling me backwards afore I could swing the exit open. One leg reached for another stride, the other effortlessly let him take me. I stumbled.
"Wait, Serena. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, for leaving you. For not speaking. Not telling you that I was okay. I realize my mistake, I beat myself with it a thousand times. You would have been the best thing for me in the time of my mum's accident, but I shut you out. I shut everyone out. Just know that I'm sorry. I truly am." Ash confessed in my ear. The words registered with a pang of grievance, tugging a frown on my lips.
"I don't want your apologies, Ash." I deadpanned, yanking my wrist free from his fingers.
I wanted explanations and meaningful excuses and answers. Not apologies. Sorry wasn't enough. Sorry never filled the gap of those three years.
I pushed the Pokemon Center doors open, letting the squall's wind brush over my exposed skin. I half expected Ash to follow, run after me and tell me everything I wanted to here. How he had no other choice. Or those three wordless years had changed the world for the better. Perhaps they had, we all achieved our dreams and excelled in the world, but I wanted to hear it from his lips.
He never came after me. Peacefully let me go.
Austere droplets slashed onto my bare shoulders, slow and scarce, however, I could feel the storm to come. But I didn't care.
I didn't care at all.