Tucker
Tucker: Tex doesn't trust me right now.
Caboose: Really? Why not?Tucker: Eh,because I got to use the sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass.Caboose: Hay chicka bump bump!Tucker: Caboose! What did I tell you about that?Caboose: Sorry, sorry...Bow chicka bow wow!
You shot Church, you team killing fucktard!
[reffering to Tex's invisibility] Yet I was still was able to check out her ass.... That's why I'm a pro.
People learn English all the time; it aren't that hard.
Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.
What are they doing now?
Actually, personal warmth is very important. Let's go get that mitten; it'll be like a mini quest!
Tucker: CHURCH! WAIT! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU! [runs to Chruch and Tex from Blue base] [panting] I just wanted to say I've got a hard-line Tex could use. Bow chicka bow wow!
Church: What--- How did you even hear that from over there?Tucker: Pft, I'm like Superman: I know when I'm needed.If you had backed up any further you would have had to mail him the bullets!
Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow! I came here to lay down some pipe. Bow chicka bow wow! Are you a model or famous actress? Bow chicka bow wow! So, I hear you have sisters. Bow chicka - who are twins! - bow wow! Bow chicka chicka bow bow chicka chicka bow bow chicka chicka bow bow!
Fuck that, I'm pissed! Let's fight!
What if I have to kill things? I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Damn! I knew you could pick up chicks in the tank!
[when told he's given birth] It's not mine! I wasn't even in town that weekend!
Oh fuckberries!
What're you gonna do, shoot ghost bullets? "Hey, I'm Casper the friendly bullet."
[giving advice to his alien son] The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have enough time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: invest in real estate. There's no such thing as a permanent record. Always eat breakfast. All the girls on the internet are actually dudes. And you should never, ever, buy the extended warranty on anything. EVER. Also, chicks like it when you tell them they're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to them. So mix it up a little.
For the record I want you to know rocks aren't people.
Yes I am afraid of black stuff.
Tread lightly dude. Tread. Lightly.
Church women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets.
[on teaching the alien english] Yeah, but only one [language] that kicks ass, and that's the one we're teaching... English 101... remedial kick-ass.
You have the fucking rifle; I can't see shit! Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.
Junior: Bow chicka honk honk!
Doc: Wow. I guess you have been teaching him something.Tucker: Teach? You dont teach that, that's just genetic!Yeah, slip it to them. Bow chicka bow wow!
That's a lot of graves, lot of holes to fill. Bow chicka wow wow.
Tucker: [to Caboose] You didn't remember a waterfall? Dude that's like not remembering your first girlfriend turned out to have a dick. [turns to Grif] Right Grif?
Grif: Sometimes I'm sorry I even told you that story.You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna run.
W-T-Fuck!
What's to understand about "swish swish stab"? It's a fuckin' sword, dude. It's not a fighter jet.
What's wrong Tex, having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, happens to everybody. Well, not me but...
[being beaten by Tex] Oh wow, right to the mount huh? I didn't even have to buy you dinner! Oh, but I like your style!
[being beaten by Tex, in response to Simmons quote, "Who do I shoot?"] Oowww! Shoot the one who's winning dumbass!
Oh shit! This is gonna suck!
I can't believe that worked! [Tex lifts up huge crate] Oh fuck, that didn't work!
[while being beaten by Tex] Swish - Fuck! - Swish, awwww - Stab! God damnit! Oh come on!
All my life I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth!" [laughs] Well that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet-ass, pimped-out ride, bitch!
What? I can't hear you over the sound of your teamkilling!
Come on, dude, seriously. There is no way you're gonna get me to say it with that lame-ass joke. I'm not that easy... Okay, well maybe I am that easy. Bow chicka bow wow. Now that's a setup.
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: What?Tucker: I said, what are they doing NOW?Church: God damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question!Tucker: Well you've got the fucking rifle! I can't see shit so don't bitch at me 'cause I'm not just going to stand up here and play with my dick all day!Church: Tucker, there are thousands of languages spoken on Earth.
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass, and that's what we're teaching him, English 101. Remedial kick ass.My sword? Fuck yeah, I know how to use it. What's to understand about swish, swish, stab? It's a FUCKING sword dude. Not a fighter jet.
[edit] Tex
You cockbiting fucktards!
Buenos días, cockbites. Guess who's back?
Payback's a bitch, and so am I.
Tex: Look down there: you can see them plotting.
Church: Maybe they're scheming?Tex: No,definitely plotting. Scheming looks different.Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick right? And that I'm standin' right here.
You mean to tell me I'm only gone a FEW weeks... and you guys get yourselves a new girl?!
Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.
Hey, you're the girl who killed me!
[when asked where she is going] Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.
[after killing one of a large group of soldiers] All right, who's next?
[playing along with Church] [to Andy] Yes, we're talkin' about me. No, really, it's me, I'm a bitch. And I need to be calmed down all the time. Or... else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.
Well that's just a matter of penis--- I-I mean opinion! Opinion... that's what I meant to say.
[after bashing down a metal door, looks at Red Team, cracks knuckles] Okay, so who's first?
[after shooting a bunch of white soldiers]
Church: You took out all those guys at once? Was that necessary?Tex: Eh, they'll live.Church: Uh, no, they won't...Tex: Oh, yeah, I can see your point... come on.[edit] Sarge
I smell a trap. Or a rat. Or a rat in a trap.
Sarge: You know what I'm thinking Simmons? Let's just put a pin in that discussion.
Simmons: A pin?Sarge: Or a nail. Nails last longer. Or one of them railroad spikes. Tell you what, let's abandon the pin metaphor all together. Let's just take your idea, put it in a box, wrap that box in chains, than cover the whole thing in cement and throw it in the ocean![in character as a random person online] Who's a girl? I like girls!
[in character as a random person online] I love Angelina Jolie! Does anyone else like Angelina Jolie? She's got enormous lips!
How bout a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge! [shoots Grif in the head] Hold the life. And the mayo.
If we survive this I'm gonna kill both of you! ...Slowly.
Calling Dr Sarge, MD. Diagnosis: death. Prescription: SHOTGUN!
[shoots Tucker in the head] Dr Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me when you're dead! Ring, ring. Hello? Is it you? Yup, you're dead.
That's exactly it, private. The war's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life. That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
Bluetard.
Rest in peace. Scumbag.
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Grif doesn't know what he's talking about? Stop the fucking presses.
Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "shit I already know"?
Ctrl Alt Bingo!
I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE! I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE... No, it's gotta be today... For our ancestors! [rushes into battle]
Son, did you just shoot yourself in the foot?
[referring to the Warthog gatling gun] I think I could've taken him.
Come on! Work that shovel like a hoe.... Work that hoe like a shovel.
Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
Great sodium chloride! There goes my chemistry set!
That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us. No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
But I was so young and violent.
Yehaw! Now that's what I call riding shotgun! Blamo!
Hey! Your circular holiness!
Oh, I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being such a jackass... Jackass... I'll kill you.
[regarding Lopez' love song to Sheila] That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch.
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!
[mid-air in warthog; "Los Dos Laredos" by Jaime y Los Chamacos playing] Yeeeeee hawww! [hit the grounds] I told you not to take jumps bigger than my yee-haws!
You just got Sarge'd!
Grif: Did that order come from command?
Sarge: As a matter of fact it did, and it also told my foot to report up your ass on the double!What is this, a remembrance or a roast?
Today is a good day for you to die! [referring to Grif]
Sweet jibbling jibblets!
I only drink the blood of my enemies!
What in Sam Hell?
Lasers and robots... robots... and lasers... Okay! We've got it! We want you to... demote Grif.
Simmons: Grif and I are on some sort of penninsular ledge.
Sarge: You're on Grif's what?Today seems like a good day to teleport!
[after giving up his weapons to Washington] Son, you can insult me, you can ambush me, you can even take away my weapon. But if you think I'm gonna set one pinky toe inside blue base without my shotgun... you must not know who you're dealing with.
Agent Wash, you just got--- [fires shotgun at pile of explosives by Washington which blows up] Ah, damnmit! I messed up my one-liner!
Sarge: Hey Grif, hold these bullets for me... IN YOUR GUT! [shoots Grif in the back]
Grif: Ow... I can see my spine.A Priest, a rabbi, and Grif all walk into a bar, AND I KILL 'EM!
I hope you brought your wallet... 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!
Hey Blue! How you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets! In your face! How you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears? These nuts!
My favorite part was the part when you died. Encore! Bravo.
What about those robot nuts?
Son of a Ben and Jerry! Now who's going to help me eat all this ice cream we found?
Oh, corn dogs!
We're not retreating, we're advancing to future victories!
[singing] Walking along in Forge World, what can I see from the top of this mountain! Looking out there, it's an ocean! An ocean and lots more land that goes on forever, [echo] forever, forever, forever. Walking on a beach, it makes me feel sensitive! Check it out bad ass waterfall, well see and goes. Hey there's a cave, I guess I'll walk through it. This map is so frickin' huge I'm kinda freaked out. Forge World is soooo biiggg! Halo Reach!
[while under pile of medkits] What happenned? I feel defeated. Yet inexplicably rejuvenated!
Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says, "We're all equals as men, except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and you're dead." Of course, dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean, let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.
Come on men, double time. Hell, I'd settle for single time.
See, that's how you do it Grif: face your enemy man to man. Or in your case, woefully inadequate man to woman. And then when she's distracted, use superior technology to take her out. [sniff] Reminds me of prom night.
Shotgun to the face can be applied in a variety of tough situations! For instance watch how quickly it cures insubordination.
Donut: Don't worry Simmons, I'm sure Sarge will find some other jobs for you. Right, Sarge? ...Sarge?
Sarge: What? Oh, right. One of the robot's functions is to answer awkward questions that I don't want to. Better turn him on.I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is. My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif.
Uh, Simmons? We're the Reds. We don't walk anywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended: in the largest possible vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if there's no cars available, we find the biggest, nastiest, meanest, land animal we possibly can, beat the crap out of it, and saddle that puppy up.
[edit] Grif
Uhh... What was that part about the pregnant guy?
What is your problem with my balls?!
PROTECT ME, CONE!!
[gasping, holding sides] Oof, kicking is hard work...
What's your zombie plan?
Hey Doc, nobody likes you.
Um... shotgun, by the way.
[crying] I can't, I just can't take this. We're all going to die!
I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck... and that I'm a girl... and I like ribbons in my hair... [sigh] and I want to kiss all the boys.
No, I never wonder why we are here. Semper Fi, bitch!
What, are we on a date? Get in the back.
[when Donut abandons him] That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game.
What can I say about Sarge, except of course good riddance... heyo! But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good, too. Zing!
Wait a second, I can prove I'm not crazy. Because of the bomb. The bomb!
[after being hit with tranquilizers] Oh, hey, look. Bat people. Please don't eat me... bat... peo... ple...
[after being told there's no "I" in "TEAM"] Oh yeah? Well there's no "you" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!
Oh yeah, you care to make that threat to my face? Yeah, didn't think so. Punk.
[after he keeps escaping the prisoner hole] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!
Grif: What do we need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me, and I'll tell you you suck.
Simmons: Get down there, Grif!Grif: You suck, Simmons! Oh man, this new system is working out great!I think it looks more like a puma.
Grif: Oh, up yours...
Sarge: What was that?Grif: I mean, up yours SIR!Sarge: That's better.Did you know that in Scotland, they call Wikipedia, Wikiflarfoof.
How's my bumper taste, asshole?!
Well if Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge... well, couldn't they have been wrong about other stuff, too? Like, what if the Blues don't suck? [gasps] What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!
Grif: Yeah, I'm famous and good looking.
Blue team member: And easier to kill.Grif: Yeah, I... wait, what? [hit by gravity hammer][being introduced to the Warthog's new turret weapons] Dibs on the rocket one!!
[wearing the superspeed unit without an AI] [super fast] Hey Sarge, what's up Sarge? Simmons is doing some experiments and I'm helping him, Sarge! Right now we're doing one where everyone talks slow and the lights are super bright and I can smell clouds and it is so hot in here!
I just refused to call him Private Donut.
[charging at the Meta] We're gonna fucking die!
Grif: [sing superspeed unit] Hey Caboose!
Tucker: What the hell was that?!Caboose: What was what? ...Hey Grif!
Church
[last words] Oh, son of a...
Tuuuuckkkerrr.... Tuuuuuckkkerrrr.... I'm the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a waaarrrrningg....
All right that's it. I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm going to haunt you,
I'm a ghost.
[Tex threatens to kill him] No you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
There's a fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.
I mean if I was killed by an alien, or a mobster, or you know, like some sort of sorority blow job massacre, that I can handle.
You know what? I fuckin' hate you.
What can I tell you, pal? Misery loves company.
Hey, is my body on straight?
What can I say, dip shit? For better or worse, I'm back.
[in response to seeing Washington with the Meta] WASHINGTOOON!
Dibs!
Relax, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.
I can't believe I died for this war.
Yeah, well, no shit.
If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fuckin' smash it!
From now on if anyone's gonna make my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.
Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Of course, I am so happy I wanna fuckin' puke.
Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this HORSESHIT RIGHT NOW!
I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!
There is no eleven, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
I guess that's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers.
[regarding his sniper rifle] I swear, somebody keeps fucking with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.
I've got half a mind to kill you...and the other half agrees.
Hey rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
[sarcastically] That's right... I'm a gay robot.
Holy crap, WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY?
For God's sake, WHAT is that MUSIC?!
I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church! And you will fear my laser face!
Dude, you guys are some cold motherfuckers.
Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.
If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now!
Hey guys what's up? Man, your jeep got FUCKED UP! And who's the big dude? What's up gigantor? (referring to the Meta who tries to grab him while growling) Whoa, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Caboose: Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?
Church: You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douche bag.Caboose: ...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade.Church: Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.A great love is a lot like a good memory. When it's there, and you know it's there, but it's just out of your reach, it can be all that you think about. Then you can focus on it and try to force it, but the more you do, the more you seem to push it away. But if you're patient and you hold still, well maybe, just maybe, it'll come to you. I just have to be somewhere she can find me. And I mean hell... if you have to live the rest of your life in a memory...you might as well make it a good one.
Church: [to Tucker] So yeah it's like I was saying...
Caboose: Um Mr. Church? Sorry for y'know, calling your girlfriend a slut.Church: Rookie! Shut up! Just shut up! You're driving me crazy! Get in there!Donut: [to Church and Tucker] Uh sirs, can I ask you a question?Church: Dear God in Heaven, Rookie. If I turn around, and you are not inside the base... I, I can't be held responsible for what i'm going to do to you.Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire!
Caboose: OKAY.Church: And DON'T shoot me this time!Caboose: OKAY. [immediately shoots Church]Church: SON-OF-A-BITCH!Caboose: Wait... what was that first part again?Shut UP Caboose!
Wash: But when the EMP goes off---
Church: When it goes off, I'll be fine. It only affects computers, remember? And I am a mother fuckin' ghost.Tucker: Church! Hey Church, come on!
Church: [growls] God damn it! What!? What do you want!?Church: Here, let me see the sniper rifle and check for my self.
Tucker: Do you even know how to use that thing?Church: Do I know how to use, of course I know how to use it. Don't, um. Hey where's the, um. How do I make it do the thing. The the... the thing where everything gets closer? Everything gets closer and bigger? How do I do the closer bigger thing?Tucker: You mean zoom?Church: Zoom, yeah that's it, zoom. [stutters] Do I say zoom? Zoom. Zoom. Rifle.Tucker: Press the black buttonChurch: Oh... Shut upTucker: Hey, I didn't say a thing, dude.
[edit] Lopez
(All of Lopez's lines are spoken in Spanish and have English subtitles in the series.)
Simmons: No. You're doing it wrong, Lopez. Just gimme your wrench.
Lopez: "This is a hammer, you fucking idiot."Sarge: Now, Lopez...
Lopez: "Oh, God. Please, I don't want to have a moment."Sarge: ...I know we've had a lot of good times together...Lopez: "Don't do this."Sarge: ...you've always relied on my guidance and protection...Lopez: "You couldn't even win the fight with the teenage girl."Sarge: ...but you're going to be own your own now.Lopez: "Good."Sarge: I've prepared you for the world the best I could.Lopez: "You programmed me in a language no one here speaks."Sarge: Take care of yourself, and always remember I'll be thinking about you.Lopez: I'm going to erase every memory of you the second you leave. Just like I did for [FILE DELETED] and [FILE DELETED]."Sarge: Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again in a better place. Adiós, amigo, adiós.Lopez: "Just go, you stupid old man."Sarge: I'll miss you too, Lopez! Every single day! I promised myself I wouldn't cry.Lopez: "Less talking, more leaving."Sarge: Me too, Lopez! Me too!Lopez: "The gas pedal is on the right."Simmons: Hey, Lopez, turn off your ears for a second.
Lopez: "What? Why would I do that?"Simmons: Okay, are they off?Lopez: "Yeah, they are off. That's why I can answer you."Simmons: Okay, good! [tells Donut that they should leave Lopez behind if the vehicle isn't big enough since he is expendable and a loyal robot] Hey, Lopez, you can turn your ears back on again.Lopez: "Click. Oh, I can hear again. What a fucking miracle."Simmons: See anything?
Lopez: "If I saw something, I would be shooting, dumbass!"Simmons: Sarge, come in, Sarge. Sarge, do you read? Argh! Lopez! Dammit. Hey, Lopez!
Lopez:: "Yes?"Simmons: Is the radio busted?Lopez: "Broken radio. How come no one ever wants to talk to me about anything else?"Simmons: The radio, no work? Call Sarge-o. Yes or no?Lopez: "You speak English worse than I do. Yes. Radio. Good. Butt. Up yours."Simmons: Then, how come, I can't, get, Sarge.Lopez: "Maybe their radio is busted, Einstein."Simmons: Can, you, fix, it?Lopez: "Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magic robot."Simmons: How come, in all these years of working with us, you haven't managed to learn one single word of English?Lopez: "I don't know. Probably trying to avoid conversations like this."Donut: Simmons! I’m scared!
Simmons: It’s okay. We’re all scared, Donut.Lopez: "I’m not scared. I made back-ups of myself this morning.""Please make the pink one stop talking to me."
"Lopez The Heavy will have his revenge!"
"Why do you bother to reply when you don't understand what I say?"
"Sheila and I are going off to form our own robot army and we will be unstoppable."
[edit] Caboose
Wait, I know how to do this! Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end!
Tex, I think you are pretty, and you haven't hurt my body in a while, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me, and when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend.
Tucker: What's stronger then rock? Like super rock.
Caboose: Paper!Church: ...I guess he put two and two together.
Caboose: FOUR!Church: It wasn't a test, Caboose.Caboose: Yes it was, I win, A+.[slowly; condescending] No one is talking to you like this.
I hope it isn't a math problem.
I am Michael J. Caboose and I HATE BABIES!
Whoops. I forgot my lines again.
Caboose: Yeah, that was super hard. Don't try that.
Church: You jumped over a sand dune... it didn't look dangerous....Caboose: Then how did I lose all my fingers?Church: What?!Caboose: Ah! Just kidding!Church: Fucking loser...[referring to command's keyboard short-cut to record his team kills] Ctrl-F-U.
This place is filled with mean ladies!
[in response to getting yelled at by Washington for throwing a spike grenade into the wall in front of them] Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
Rest in peace, pinky toe... YOU SHALL BE AVENGED!
Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me...
Church: Oh, don't even start Caboose!Caboose: One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.
Tucker: Oh, come on, you don't actually believe any of that, do you?Caboose: Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people... it unlocks their death.
No thanks. I already had donuts for breakfast.
Blue vs Red battles. No one says "Red vs Blue". It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.
[referring to the base's electricity] Oh, you mean the invisible magic.
[to Church] You're round and you can't wear pants.
It's Tex the nasty lady. [happily] Hello!
Thats far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
Church: Did you go into the Campaign?!
Caboose: Yep, I don't know what that means so I'm just going to nod and say "yes"... [nods] Yes...Sarge: Who told you you could do that?!
Caboose: Oh, the man in the car. He kept asking, "Are you 6?", "You are 6 right?"... And I'm like way older than 6 so I said yes... at the time.Church: That's not---... He didn't---... He meant "Noble 6", dumbass!Caboose: Yeah, he did seem pretty confused. Or he was just confusing? I forget which one...The black one is Tex and the other black one is Tucker.
Church: So how you doing, Caboose? You following this?
Caboose: I think so.... That guy, Tex, is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!Goodbye Major Cinnamon Buns, I will always remember your buttery goodness.... Who was that guy?
Oh I got one, yeah; sometimes I dream about my parents having sex and I get really, really mad for some reason.
Private Donut... that sounds like Private Biscuit!
[regarding Sheila's instructions] No wait, go back... why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
I knew it, we're all gonna die! STARTING WITH YOU! [aims sniper rifle at Tucker's head]
Don't cock-block me!
Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black part!
Time line? Ehh, time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!
I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!
SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!
Halsey: Do you have it?
Caboose: No, you won't let go!Halsey: Say the words please.Caboose: The words please.I don't want to live in a world without big explosions!
I'm scared!
You lied to me.
Oh, because I am allergic to things that I do not want to do. [coughs]...Coughing.
Not my fault, Tucker did it.
Look Sergeant, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think they are making up times.
I'm never getting married, my dad always told me, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
I AM CABOOSE, THE VEHICLE DESTROYER!
Ahh, I am dead!
Also someone might have been surprised by that and peed his pants... just a little bit... or a lot.
Okay, I'm on the radio too now. This is fun! ...What do you want to talk about?
Tell him how his dad got to third base with you!
DON'T EVER BE ALONE.
I like me.
Wow I did not even know the North Pole was in "San Francisco".... This changes everything!
I would have tried to save your life... from me! I would have tried to save Tex too...
I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... it's purple.
Does thinking count as moving? 'Cause if it does I think I might have--- OOHHH I did it again!
He has not tried to bite me at all... since he bit me the first time.
I think "BLARG" means... me. Or... apples... GUYS! Apples must be the name of his cat! ...QUICK, quick! Is Apples stuck in a tree? ...I will call the Fire Department!
What if Tucker is contagious... I do not want to catch pregnancy!
Fluffy! The alien that only loves!
Hey chicka bum bum. [attempting Tucker's "bow chicka bow wow"]
That was you... I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me...
Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl! I did uh... not my fault, not my fault, I did not do this, the computer had suggestions and the default option was "yes".
Come on Andy.... Think of a happy place.
Andy: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.Andy: Not really, they eat their wounded.'Caboose: Just like chiropractors!Say something Andy.... You are embarrassing me in front of my friends.
Hello, Sheila... big, tank lady...
OH crap, OH crap, OH crap, running, running, running!
They can't see me... I can't see them.
Look... a tel-i-ma-scope.
I have a plan Sergeant... but we will have to move quick. Listen, whisper whisper whisper. Do you think that will work?
Hmmm... No... That doesn't sound like me... I like people and buildings also.
Please hurry... I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.
A DUCK! Where! I love ducks.
X... I'm looking for an X... That is a plus sign, not an X.
We’re planting a volleybomb!
But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.
Caboose: Look at what I found.
Donut: I found it.Caboose: Look at what I took credit for finding.I'm just glad I brought my mittens.
Oh no.... No, I mean I lost one of my mittens... we have to go back.
I don't want to be dead... I want to be alive... or a cowboy.
I bet he just woulda thrown up your head later... and then you just could put it right back on and you'd be fine.
Church... if I die, I want you to have my orange juice.
My body... is trying... to die.
I can't feel my torso!
Caboose: Please don't leave me with the mean doctor.
Doc: Shut up, Caboose.Caboose: Now he's swearing at me.Oh, him. Yeah, um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh... but we don't think it was anyone's fault, everybody agrees it was an accident.
Caboose: Command... Oh no... they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom? Is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no... wait, did my brother die? Oh god, that's it isn't it? My brother is dead!
Washington: What? No nothing like that.Caboose: Oh good, because I don't even have a brother. How horrible would it be to not have a brother and lose a brother all in the same day.Lieutenant Miller: Caboose, I know we didn't always get along.
Caboose: I got tied up!Lieutenant Miller: Right, I know it's not your fault. You seem like a good kid, you're just a little confused.Caboose: Yeah, he is.Lieutenant Miller: I just want you to remember one thing--- Never, ever, come back here.Caboose: OK.Lieutenant Miller: No, I need to know that you understand, I need to hear you say it.Caboose: Don’t ever go backwards.Right, like a rodeo.
You have teleportesis? Can you hear what I'm thinking right now?
I am just going to sit here and guard... this rock... from Tucker. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's how all of this started.
Well at least I don't go around knocking on peoples' non-doors and promising them cookies, AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES! I'M LEAVING!
Yes... And out from the darkness, there came... Someone! And that someone was me! Yes! And I said... Funerals are sad! So we should have a birthday party instead! Yes! Let there be cake! Hallelujah! Gesundheit.
Last time I got shot, I got a purple heart. Yeah, this time I hope to get a purple lung. You see, I hope to make a complete purple person. And we will be best friends.
[to Tucker] You're just jealous because you don't have any friends.
I know my name! You can ask me, in case you forget.
I wish I knew how to scrapbook.
Church: [stressed yelling] Caboose!
Caboose: [happily] Hello!Washington: Caboose, toss that grenade!
[Caboose throws a spike grenade at a wall in front of him]Washington: That was the worst throw ever, of all time.Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.It is? IT IS! ...Umm, I forgot?
Oh, I hope we don't find out what makes a brown laser.
YOUR SOUL IS A CAVERN OF LIES!
Well, I have to try something. I don't seem to be very good about doing this on my own. [spontaneous fire starts] ALRIGHT, NOW HOW DID THAT EVEN START?!
[to Donut] Tuck? You want me to tuck? What do you want me to tuck? Wait, my mother told me never to tuck anything of anyone elses...
What cycle? [gasps] A motorcycle? A secret motorcycle? It's okay, you can tell me.
Buttons? Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bop boop boop beep bop boop!
Tucker: What do you want, Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.I still haven't gotten my peanuts.
[talking about the Meta] And as scary as someone thought it was to begin with. Back to square one: scary square.
Absolutely, Admiral Buttercrust.
Oops! It broke itself.
Okay, but not automatic. Only stick.
Church: [referring to modification of jeep turret to launch rockets] Didn't you hear what I said about the torque? It's probably a--- [rocket hits just bellow] SON OF A BITCH!
Tucker: Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident in my rocket launcher guess.Caboose: Yeah, I don't know. I think Church was right. I'm pretty sure I just torqued in my pantsOh, God! Why does it keep chasing me!?
[enthusiastically] I feel dizzy!
[enthusiastically] I cant feel my torso!
I call it naptime! After that comes food time. Then comes food-nap time! Which is my favorite time of all!
Um... Sargeant... I need to go to the bathroom. Which is odd, becuse I already did while we were standing in the creek together!
Simmons
[to Donut] We need you to go to the store and buy some elbow grease and headlight fluid.
SHOTGUN ...fuck.
Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!
Suck it, Blue!
Oh, you backstabbing assmonkeys!
He's a ball. He's capable of rolling... maybe bouncing.
I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations... like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton.
[to Sheila] Shut up! You ruined my life!
Who's a bad hostage taker now, bitch!
Owwww, the back of my head is killing me... oh jeez, the front of my face!
I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.
Oh jeez, the back of your head!
You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!
Okay, now you're under attack! Go and surrender, bitch!
I already told you, I'm Dutch Irish!
Cocksucker, sir!
[after he changes sides] Suck it, Blue! Uh, I mean Red! FUCK! You know what I mean!
You're about to get Simmonsized!
[trying to enrage Church] Did he see the last episode of The Sopranos yet?
[holding onto flying, flaming warthog] I'm scared to hold on, but I'm scared to let go!
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun--- fuck.Donut: Shotgun's lap!Simmons: Fuck.[after seeing the Meta in Blue base] Oh fuck! Welcome to the neighborhood. See ya later!
Sarge's death was in the past; we need to look to the future. A future filled with Simmons!
[responding to Sarge after changing teams] Yes sir! Shit, I'm mean suck it, Blue! Goddammit, I mean Red!
Sarge... can you ambush something that's trying to beat its way through steel to get to you?
You ratted me out, you son of a bitch!
Grif: I thought you were Dutch Irish!
Simmons: What? Fuck that shit, just shut up and drive, bitch![edit] Donut
Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm talking to the sergeant.
[regarding his armor color] It's not pink, it's lightish red!
I'm from Iowa!
And I dotted all the "I"s with hearts. Tee hee hee! Tee hee!
Who wants to hold my ankles while I stretch out my hammies?
Simmons! I need your ovaries!
Now it's time to pound some Caboose!
Hey bitch, remember me? I saved something for you!
[after killing Tex] Hell yeah, three points you dirty whore! ["dirty whore" echoes throughout the canyon]
Okay is this a joke? Did you guys get into my Harry Potter fan fiction?
Donut: Hey Sarge, I found Simmons. He's sleeping on the job
Simmons: I'm not sleeping; I was drugged.Donut: Cancel that Sarge, he's doing drugs.Conundrum? Dilemma? A threesome with cheerleaders?
[regarding the plasma grenade on his head] What is it? Is it a spider? Get it off!
Simmons, I'm scared!
You're right, Lopez. Pencils are great!
I'll handle your rears!
I wonder if I would make a good father...
Oh my god! He shot Lopez!
[after being shot by Washington] Hey, Simmons? I think I got shot, too. [groans; collapses]
It'll be a Donut sandwich.
Well I just want everyone to know that I'm totally for it.
Is this guy a retard?
Aw man, I got blood all over my good shoes...
You guys are going down. In your face wrench, in your face. Take that bone head.
Back on the farm, I use to sit and think about things. Then repress those thoughts.
Let's put the next one right up their ass!
...That's gay.
Donut: And it was obvious I didn't know the guy [the Meta], so shame on you for not introducing us!
Simmons: WHAAAAT?Donut: You're just disappointed that no one got to use the emergency plan, aren't you Simmons?
Simmons: Sorta.Donut: Aww there there, don't feel bad. No one has read it anyways!Donut: By himself? That guy is fucked.
Simmons: Totally.Donut: That guy's gonna get totally fucked.Simmons: Dammit Donut![edit] Doc/O'Malley
It's quiet. Too quiet. [gGunshot barely misses him] Suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.
Donut: [referring to Doc/O'Malley's swift run up to the teleporters] Wow that guy is wicked fast!
Doc: Thanks! I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!Grif: Track sucks!O'Malley: YOU suck!And they will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting!
I think Tucker's kid drank a whole gallon! Wow, isn't that cool?! I think he's gonna be a linebacker... Or a vampire... Or a vampire-linebacker! That'd be crazy!
But blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like nausea, dizzines, sensitivity to light.... Or passing out.
Well, you see... a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them comfortable... while they die.
Doc: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree. Except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase, "blood explosion extraordinaire"! Hahahaha![discussing his plan with Vic] Then the universe will be mine, and I'll crush every living soul into dust! Hahaha.... Except for you, Vic. I'll make you assistant crusher.
[taunting the combined Red-Blue alliance] Mwahahahahaha! You fools have fallen right into my hands! Only now do you realize the folly of your follies! Hahaha! Prepare for an oblivion, for which there is no preparation!
I mean you don't even need to ask. You can just be like, "Hey, Prisoner Number One, come over here 'n' talk to me, rrr-I'm a Freelancer-rrr."
Doc: You know that Stockholm Syndrome where prisoners start to like and identify with their captors after being held hostage for long enough?
Washington: Yeah, what about it?Doc: No one has that yet.No, the dead aliens are still dead. Also still aliens, but that's less significant.
Wash, do you see the floating eyeball now? Is he here with us? I'd like to talk to the laser eye for a minute, Wash.
Boy, he sounds tense. Maybe you should give him a backrub. That wouldn't be weird, right? One Freelancer giving another a backrub?
Tell you what: put me back in the wall, I like the wall. It was cozy and it protected me. I miss my wall.
I call it a Soul Sabbatical.
[edit] Sheila/Phillis
Church: They're just cars, Sheila.
Sheila: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.What if I decided I wasn't Blue's tank? What if today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?
Sheila: Please stop touching me.
Tucker: You know, for a lady your size, you're kinda sensitive.Four veicels and only one guy to drive them. Big woop.
Target locked; firing main cannon.
That would be against standard safety protocol. I can not do that.
[reply to caboose saying, "But she'll kill them!"] Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test!
[to Church] Welcome back, Director!
[after being hit by an air strike] I'm scared, Dave.... Will I dream? ...Daaazyyy.... Daaazyyyyyy....
Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
[edit] Agent Washington
Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity.
I'm not a cop!
No one died! [soldier comes in and confirms Caboose's team kill] Okay, no one besides him.
[referring to Caboose throwing a grenade right in front of them] That was the worst throw, ever... of all time.
You don't need to treat me like that. I'm not crazy, okay? I'm totally and completely sane. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go blow up this dead body.
Washington: I told them Caboose did it. Apparently they already have a shortcut on their keyboard for reporting his team kills.
Caboose: Ctrl-F-U.[referring to Church's lucky sniper shot] It only counts if you call it!
Washington: What's the status of the vehicles? Report.
Grif: You could have asked nicely.Washington: You're right, I could. Report!How about, Minor Junior Private Grif, Negative First Class?
I just lost my job, and we have great mental health coverage.
Emp?! You have got to be fucking kiddi- [EMP goes off]
For as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead. And now, I have a way out of all of this. What in the hell makes you think that I'm going to ask for it?
I need a complete scan of my friend here. And I would recommend you don't use any needles. He hates needles, and we wouldn't wanna make him angry, now would we?
What's that noise? Do I hear a--- [Warthog breaks through the wall in slow-mo] CAR?!
Try the codpiece. [Meta stares at him] Oh... we're all adults here!
You can either answer me, or I can have the Meta beat it out of you. Or, I can beat it out of you. I think I've earned it.
Shut up, we're not friends.
I don't get paid enough for this.
Tell you what. Why don't you just stick to not understanding medicine? Don't feel the need to expand your sphere of ignorance.
I didn't say we couldn't do that, I said you are an idiot. Those are two totally different discussions.
Stop lecturing me, or I will shoot you, and feed you to the Meta.
That was the second worst throw, ever. Of all time.
I would say that was the cavalry, but I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.
[referring to "EMP" being pronounced "emp"] Stop it.
It bounces?! Who designs a gun that bounces!? This has got to be the worst gun ever. Of all time.
I almost feel sorry for them.... HEY! I said almost.
Ok, that bit with the purple plane was just showing off.
That guy was a dick.
What the fuck's with this guy?
[edit] Sister
That's kinda hot!
Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
Freelancer? Is that the band we had here last night?
Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!
Sister: Yeah, well, they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!
Grif: Haha, yeah. ...Wait, what?Sister: Doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need. Unless you wanna see my ping pong ball trick.
Sister: Oh cool, you have a dog?
Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog; that's my kid.Sister: Oh, cool, you have a kid that looks like a dog?Sister: But then I figured, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
Tucker: Haha, yeah. ...Wait, what?Hey, Tex! Stop shooting you stupid bitch!
Tucker: Don't worry, baby; I'll protect you.
Sister: Ch'yeah, that's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop scratchin'.Son of a bitch! I can't believe you hit a girl.
Hey! A-hole! What's with all the noise? People are trying to sleep here!
You know how circuses have a bearded lady and a fat lady? Well my mom plays both, 'cause she is like, super talented!
Washington: Good luck with your empty base and raging insanity.
Sister: Oh yeah? Well good luck being a cop, CAAAHHP!Sister: Don't say anything until you talk to a lawyer! You have rights!
Washington: I'm not a cop!Sarge: Beat it, you little tramp!