Warning: Reader's discretion is advised.
There was a great roar of delirium echoed inside Shravan. He was amazed at how satisfied he felt while sitting with Suman and her small warm hands sandwiching between his own.
If the last two times they had kissed was branding, this time the kiss they shared put the last nail to it. He didn't know if he would ever be able to come out of the pit of this abyss — bottomless, ever consuming love he felt for Suman. In his twenty-nine years of life, he never realised there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
Loving someone is easy — like breathing. You don't think while you love someone, you don't get terrified of losing them. You just know they will be there for you to love them. But being in love is intimidating. What if the person you are so much in love with decides that you are not worthy of them. What if they decide this is not what they want — they are trapped, they want to crawl out of the space you have created for them, what if,
Shravan took a deep breath concentrating on the sound of soft breathing of Suman. She was sitting with her head resting on his shoulder. He looked from his periphery, a small smile gracing her lips — lips that were dancing with the same passion and rhythm as his.
“What are you thinking?” Suman spoke softly. Shravan hummed. “Or shall I rephrase it, what are you overthinking?” she chuckled.
How he wished he could tell her, “Can’t a man just stay quiet?”
Suman smiled, “You can't.”
Shravan chuckled, as his eyes took in her features lazily. She seemed tired yet happy, gazing at him with so much adoration, that it nearly hurt him. His fingers left her hand and followed the path of stray hair that made a whisper of shadow on Suman’s face. “I am thinking,” his breath hitched, “what am I going to do with you!”
Suman tilted her head towards his trailing finger, and Shravan continued, “People often tell, being a woman isn't an easy feat. They never tell you about men and our struggle.” His finger pressed lightly on her pulse just below the juncture of her neck and shoulder, “From the very beginning, we are taught to grow up to be a provider— a protector — someone who is supposed to be the backbone of a family. I know this doesn't sound right, but that's how men think — at least most of them.
“Call it the pressure of society, but this very notion is imprinted in us, and that imprint is so deep, it's hard to shake it off. And being a man you have no idea what I feel when I am unable to do what I am naturally inclined to.”
Feeling the rhythm of her breathing and heartbeat, Shravan pondered, “I so want to be the man you need, Suman, the man who would give you easy, uncomplicated love— a relationship where you can lean upon knowing even if the world goes against you there is someone who will always stand by your side and will fight for you till the last breath his body can produce. That guarantee, that support — which I was capable of,” His hand curled against her neck, “now I don't even have half the strength of what I had, Suman,” he struggled, “how I could have carried you in my arms — would have made love to you until you begged me to stop yet wanted me more,”
Suman stayed quiet giving him a wide berth as though she was scared that if she opened her mouth Shravan would stop talking and dark allies of his mind would be left unattended again. Shravan could see the genuine interest in her eyes, she wanted to know him, understand him — she wanted this to work. As happy as it made him, it hurt him too. Relationships should be transparent, not murky like this.
“Wanting you, knowing it isn't the right thing to do — the war between my conscience and heart goes through my mind every time I look at you is unbearable.”
A soft tear lingered on Suman’s eyelashes, “It doesn't have to be like this.”
“No it doesn't but it is.”
They stayed quiet for another couple of minutes. Suman sighed through her nose, “Do you always,” she pointed at his forehead, “over analyse everything?”
“One of my vices.”
“What about your virtues?”
“The grips of the vices are stronger I suppose.” Shravan joked, “But I promise, Suman, I will try to be a better man for you because you deserve nothing less.”
“Can I ask you something?” Suman bit her lips. She looked uncomfortable and curious — both.
Shravan gave her an encouraging smile, “You can ask me anything.”
She lightly touched the forearm of Shravan's left hand, “Do you feel my touch?”
Shravan laughed, “Yes, but it's like — there's a cover, and I am feeling it through it. Something is there but I don't know what it is.” Suman nodded.
There was so much hope shown in her eyes that made Shravan hyperventilated. She was just happy to know that he could feel her touch. But, she didn't know the severity of it. And he didn't want her to jump into this without any preparation.
He needed to let her know the full consequences of being with him. “Suman, I,” he looked forward, “remember in the office I told you how I would give everything to have a family of my own,” Shravan finally managed to gather all the courage he had, “If you do this, it's possible that you can never become a mother.”
When Suman didn't utter a word he looked at her, she seemed confused as if she didn't know why this subject was even brought up. And this was the part he feared the most — he was ashamed of his incapabilities, he gazed at his feet, “You know my left side is paralyzed.” he sighed, “but initially because of my spinal cord injury both my legs were,” shaking his head Shravan closed his eyes. It was more difficult than he had imagined.
But this beautiful girl needed to know this, so he started again, “What I want to say is, Suman, nothing is the way it was before,” Suman squeezed his hand in assurance, urging him to continue, “it's actually quite common problems for men with spinal cord injury that we don't have the same erectile function as before.”
He couldn't look at her yet Shravan could feel the heat her body was radiating — as though her whole self was blushing. “Luckily for me, I didn't have that problem, but it has a special name — ‘reflex erection’.
“Initially it was hard like I could get an erection spontaneously, or even in reaction touch.” He humourlessly chuckled at a distant embarrassing memory, where he was all over his trousers because he was frustrated, and Rosemary was there to witness it. “With time it gets better, it's not erratic and uncontrollable anymore. But it doesn't last as long as it should, at least now I know what stimulates it.”
Shravan relaxed his head on the backrest thinking the worst part was over. But Suman had other plans, “But that day, in the office I felt,” and she shook her head, “I mean when we kissed,”
Shravan smiled and thought, how she was so at ease, “As I told you, it's gotten better with time.”
They sat another couple of minutes in silence. Shravan let her process every detail about him. Amazingly Suman still stayed beside him, not flinching, not a sliver of doubt in her eyes, and Shravan had to ask, “Now can I ask a question?” Suman nodded, “Why did you like me?”
Suman threw her head back as she laughed, “Oh, trust me I didn't. I hated you,” she laughed more, “I even told Rosemary that you are Lucifer in man's skin.” Suman tilted her head, a serene smile played on her lips, “But with time, I felt comfortable with your jabs, insults, and then the way you handle business even when all the odds are against you, I was surprised.”
She looked at him, “That fascinated me. Your intelligent mind, your eyes that picked up every minute detail — that made me believe that I didn't make any mistake taking the job. Then that day your presentation at the office, I knew I was a goner. I couldn't recover from what I saw, what I felt. You were outstanding, owning the board room like a king.” Suman’s eyes haze recollecting the memory.
“In the darkness of that room, the allure of your voice, your presence was unattainable. You were magnificent.” she let out a nervous chuckle, “I had no chance.”
How Shravan wished she could see what her words did to him. Noone ever described him like this, not even then when he was called one of the finest specimens of man. He felt tall, he felt whole.
Overwhelmed, Shravan took a deep breath. He needed time to gather all his emotions, reading the time on the car's dashboard, “It's 3 in the morning, Suman, you must be tired.”
Suman stifled a yawn, “And Nanu gets up at five, for what I don't know.” she laughed, “You too have some rest.” Saying she pecked his cheek lovingly. Shravan's heart almost burst out, when she said, “I already miss you, bye.”
Suman waved for the last time and closed the main door of her house. Shravan fished out his phone from his pocket and dialled Pushkar. “Finally! I am about to be abducted by the mosquitoes.” Pushkar slid in the car, “So when is the good news?”
“What good news?” Shravan tried to stretch but the pain in his back was severe. He was sitting in one place for a long time. With Suman time flew.
Pushkar ignited the car and turned to look at Shravan. “Don't tell me I donated my blood to those mosquitoes for nothing. Did you ask her to marry you?”
Shravan almost jumped out of his skin, “Are you mad? We aren't rushing here, Pushkar. She needs to know what she is getting into. There's no way I am sabotaging her only chance of having a normal life. As long as she wants it and she gets it. But if this relationship ever goes towards the altar then it would always be her decision, not mine.”
“I don't know why your pin is stuck in that same place. That girl is clearly smitten. If she didn't want it, she wouldn't have sat beside you at this hour.” He pulled the car out of the lane towards the main road.
“Exactly like how I was with Alisha, I couldn't see a single flaw in her and look where that landed me.” Shravan could see from the backseat that Pushkar's fingers curled around the steering. Pushkar never liked Alisha in the first place. When his family welcomed her with open arms Pushkar frowned at her over friendliness.
“I don't understand what you are trying to imply? Are you just like that vile woman who used you and scraped you like mud under the shoes? Are you telling me you are using Suman? Are you trying to sell that Suman chose you and you had no other option but her?”
Shravan sighed, “Yes, there were girls who were ready to be by my side, because of my — our wealth. I know Suman isn't like that. She is fierce, loyal, she has self-respect, she doesn't bow down to my negativity, she doesn't show me pity, I agree, and that's why I like her. But do you not see, how young she is, she doesn't know how life works. It's not a cinema, Pushkar, love is not what they show. Love is not life, you just need someone to love or to be loved to live life, nothing else. She is smitten, helplessly infatuated with me. I may be taking advantage of that because I am tired of being alone and miserable. But I can't forgo the fact this is not what I would want for my own sister or daughter if I had one.
“I will not ask her to go away but I will not force her to tie down just because it's convenient to me.” Pushkar opened his mouth to argue when Shravan grounded, “and you, and Maa, Papa will not interfere in it. End of the discussion.” An order that even Pushkar couldn't overrule.
Ravi was there to help Shravan to get in the bed. Pushkar was still sulking and grumbling under his breath. He was about to sleep when his phone vibrated on the side table. Pushkar grabbed it for him and handed it.
But I liked you the most because you didn't quit. And defeat doesn't finish a man, quit does.
Suman
4.45 AM
***
Hopefully, everyone will be able to understand Shravan’s struggle.
If it made you cringe, then I am sorry. I had to make his struggle, his sadness real.
Let me know how you feel.