it's getting hard to write nowadays so if i fall off the face of the earth again just assume i have writers block
<4:12 am, Tuesday>
It wasn't hard to get Abby on board with Josh's mall plan. She and Debby kept in touch after school let out, so they somewhat had a friendship.
Finding Melanie was slightly harder but not impossible. Since Josh had gone to college with her and Juilliard was in New York, they had to rely on Melanie's family to find out where she was. Luckily, she was still in town for thanksgiving break and it didn't take much for them to appoint Tyler to be the one to show up at her doorstep.
"Ty?" Melanie didn't even think twice before grabbing Tyler and pulling him into her house, shutting the door behind them.
She stared at him with an intensity he'd never seen before, her hand a death grip on his wrist. After what felt like centuries, Melanie let go of his wrist and hugged him.
"Oh my god, I thought you were dead," she whispered, obviously crying. Tyler felt pinpricks of tears in his eyes, hugging back.
"I thought you were, too."
He tried to laugh so it didn't sound like he was a blink away from a breakdown. This is exactly what he needed. To see her again. To hear her again.
"We suck at keeping in touch."
"We really do."
They stayed hugging for a couple seconds longer before releasing each other, both taking in the other's changes.
Melanie looked about the same, with her two-toned hair now pink and blue, but her eyes were decorated with dark eye bags and frown lines already forming. She had no makeup on, which was odd coming from the girl who looked like a living baby doll.
"You look like a mess," Tyler said before he could stop himself.
His face heated up and Melanie laughed slightly, her tired eyes squinting. "I could say the same about you. Plus, it's four am. How's college been?"
"A shit show," Tyler said. "I'm seriously regretting not studying music like I wanted to but it's too late now to change my major."
"It's never too late to change," Melanie reassured. Tyler smiled but didn't reply. Deep down, they both knew that wasn't true for them. They we're screwed up beyond their years.
They ended up walking out of her parent's home and down the street through the neighborhood, chatting about anything and everything that came to mind.
"Wait- in a parking lot? Of an Olive Garden? Are you serious?" Melanie laughed. "That's fucking nuts."
Tyler chuckled. "Well, that's the Dun siblings for you. Crazy in every sense of the word."
The laughter died down, and suddenly they were quiet. Only the sound of kids playing basketball down the street echoed between them.
Melanie started shivering, and Tyler noticed she was wearing nothing but sweatpants, a tank top, and a pair of flip flops. In the cold fog of the morning, she must've been freezing. Tyler shrugged off his jacket and draped it over Melanie's shoulders. She smiled and mumbled a thanks.
"I heard about what happened your sister and I am truly sorry," Melanie said. "I would've contacted you, but I guess neither of us would've been in the best headspaces if I had."
Tyler shrugged, ignoring the aching sensation in his chest. "It is what it is."
"There's no excuse for me not visiting, but then again, there's none for you either."
He laughed. "I know, I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Melanie looked up from her shoes. "So, why all of the sudden? And why do I get the feeling this is going to be a sequel to senior year's events?"
Tyler hesitated for a moment. Melanie knew him too well- she always saw right through whatever mask he put on. Tyler wouldn't be able to tiptoe around the situation like Josh did with Debby.
"We thought it would be a good idea if you, Debby, Abigail, Josh, and I went on a shopping spree together. It wasn't my idea, but we both wanted to do some kind of early high school reunion with our out-of-touch friends so I just went with it."
Melanie didn't reply, which made Tyler anxious. And whenever he's anxious in a quiet space, he does one of two things. Either shut down, or keep talking. He went with the latter.
"We planned on doing something similar with Brendon, Dallon, and maybe Patrick and Pete- not shopping though- but I think they all kind of hate me so I'm not sure how that's going to go down. We already got Debby and Abby on board, which wasn't really hard since they still live here, but since you live in New York we kind of just hoped you would still be in town before this weekend. I don't know what stores, probably girly stores like Claire's or since you and Abby and Debby are girls. If you want to come, there's no pressure. I know it'll be awkward to hang out with your old best friend and your ex- girlfriend after so-"
"Wait, you know about me and Debs?"
They'd stopped walking and now stood at the end of the street.
"Debs told us," Tyler said.
"So you talked to her." Melanie's voice was hushed.
Tyler nodded. "Yesterday. It was Josh's idea. I would have gone straight to you if I'd known you weren't together. I promise. Scout's honor."
Melanie smiled slightly. "Thanks, Ty."
"Anything for my best friend."
"Any news from Brendon and Dallon?"
Tyler shook his head. "If I'm completely honest, I'm sort of terrified to see him?"
"Why? You two were best friends."
"Were. You reacted better than I thought you would- you're just chill as fuck- but Brendon? He probably hadn't forgiven me."
"For what?" Melanie asked.
Tyler looked at her. "He didn't tell you?"
She shook her head. "We don't talk as much anymore. Not since you fell of the grid."
"Right." Tyler wondered if it was too late to back out. If she knew- if she saw exactly how fucked up Tyler was- would she leave him too? Like everyone else did? Like Brendon? Like Jenna?
He couldn't bear losing someone else. But Melanie deserved to know. Even if Tyler didn't tell her now, she would never let it go until he did.
Tyler tilted his head half in thought and looked up at the dark sky. He took a deep breath before speaking again.
"I tried to kill myself."
Melanie choked on air. "Holy fuck. How?"
"This was back when I lived with Brendon for about a year during our freshman year of college. Before I transferred, I mean. The ceiling was too low so I couldn't do it traditionally. It was a really weird method that I don't think would have actually worked, but it almost did so, uh." He could already feel himself begin to ramble. "I made a noose and tied one end to the pipe in out kitchen sink and kinda-" he held out his hand so his fingers pointing to the sky, and the other aimed diagonally down so it mimicked the slanting of the rope. "Leaned forward. I guess the kitchen pipe wasn't screwed properly because after I passed out it came loose and I was just... there until Brendon found me. Or Dallon. I don't remember, it was a pretty big blur."
Melanie didn't say anything, only examining Tyler's face deeply. He suddenly felt the urge to confess him breaking his arm during a second attempt, and that he planned on doing it again. But the words stuck to the back of his throats and were replaced with-
"I'm scared I'll never be more than a screw up. I mess everything up. Friendships, school, my nonexistent love life, family stuff, everything I come into contact with just rots. And I want to rot. I want to cave in and there's nothing driving me anymore to anything and everything hurts. I don't know why and I don't know how to make it stop and after everything with Josh and my sister it seemed like the only way out. I know it seems crazy but one thing I've learned is no matter how horrible and selfish it may sound, it made sense at the time. And it still does because I can't see a way out. There's no way out. No way out, no way out, no way..."
His hands were shaking. His knees were shaking. Everything was shaking. Everything was beginning to collapse around him. Tyler felt himself slowly become undone. Every thread of his being had been pulled out of the seams and the words he spewed ripped them further and further until he was nothing but an empty vessel.
It took everything in Tyler- or what was left- not to buckle his knees and collapse. Melanie started to hug him at some point and whisper things to him, but a loud ringing replaced whatever she said. He knows she's crying and she knows he's crying too. Tears blurred the view of the stars and the moon. Tyler was still looking at the sky.
"It's all so dark," he faintly hears her say. "It's so dark. So dark. So dark. So dark. So dark."