Brayden's POV
"So...you set your friend on fire?"
I nodded.
“Purposely?”
“Are you slow? I just confirmed that it was absolutely done on purpose, didn't it? Which part are you not getting?” I sighed, tiredly.
"And then you and Ms. Mathews, somehow found yourselves breaking into your neighbor's house to steal her sex toys, am I getting this right?" the officer, sitting across from me, asked, his eyes filled with annoyance.
Nodding again, I stared at him with a smirk, trying not laugh when I remembered the face Porter had made when she'd found Ms. Hart's bigass dildo. "I guess you are slow, since I already told you, Porter was there by mistake."
He sighed, running a hand down his face before giving me a tired look. "That's not what she's saying. Ms. Mathews claims that someone dared her to break into Ms. Hart’s home, and that you tried to stop her."
"Well, it looks like you boys have yourselves a situation of he said/she said, now don't you?" I replied, smugly. I was actually proud of her, I hadn't expected Porter to snitch,not even for a second, but I hadn't expected her to hold up so well under interrogation.
"Alright, Cavanaugh, why don't you start over and tell me how exactly you found yourselves in Ms. Hart's home at three in the morning?" he replied, resting his forehead in his hand, before glancing at his partner behind me with desperation.
"You want the long version or..." I smirked. "It's one of my more entertaining stories, so I would suggest the long version."
"Sure. It's not like I don't have anywhere to be," he muttered, rolling his eyes. I actually felt a little bad for the guy. Clearly he was one of the newer cops and wasn't used to dealing with both my brother and I. Most of the precinct was pretty familiar with our body of work and had actually started to learn how to get the truth out of us, but the newer ones had no clue.
"You know, I know your wife," I told him, stalling. "She's actually really pretty."
His eyes shifted to the cop behind me, before shifting towards me once again. "Um...yeah, I-I know."
I nodded. "Do you think she's happy, Officer..." I leaned forward, and squinted my eyes trying to read the name on his name tag. "...Big? Must have been fun growing up with that name."
He shifted in his chair, nervously. "Uh, she's happy."
"What?"
"My wife," he clarified. "She's happy."
"Mhm, you don't seem too sure about that," I mused, smirking. I watched him swallow hard, his eyes shifting away from me. "I can help with that you know."
His head snapped towards me, his eyes wide. "What?"
"Oh don't get your pantyhose in a twist, I just meant I could give you a few tips," I replied, rolling my eyes. "But, if I help you out, Officer Big, you have to help me out."
"I can't help you out here, Cavanaugh," he replied, hastily, shaking his head, his eyes shifting to his partner, nervously.
"I didn't mean me," I told him, when his eyes shifted back to me, curiously, I continued, "I help you with your girl, you help me with mine. If I help you, you have to make sure Porter isn't involved in any of this."
"Alright, Cavanaugh, that's enough." I fought the urge to glare when Officer Big's partner spoke up, moving from his position behind me to move around the table and take the chair next to his partner. This one I knew enough to be on a first name basis with, and I also knew he gave as good as he got. "Enough of the bullshit. What happened? From the start this time, or I'll keep your little girlfriend in here all night."
I felt an angry growl leave my lips, my hands coiling into fists. He stared at me unwavering, his eyebrows raised, expectantly.
"Fine, you want the story? Here's what actually happened."
A few hours before...
The first bad idea Cade and I had had that night had had consequences with a terrible smell. It's not like I'd walked into the hospital expecting to leave smelling like a urinal at a truckstop. It had definitely turned out to be our worst idea to walk up to Porter, without any warning, when she was holding a tray of cups filled with pee.
She hadn't been expecting us, and we would later find out that the girl had already spilled the cups with pee three times. Had we known that, we definitely would have waited until she put the tray down, but we hadn't known and I had paid for it.
Cade had seen it coming the moment I had shouted her name as we’d walked up behind her. Her shoulders had tensed, a startled yelp leaving her lips, just as Cade grabbed on my arm, and pulled me in front of him, using me as a body shield. My eyes widened in horror as the pee flew into the air, the entire tray landing right on me.
The next few minutes went by at an agonising pace. Cade’s jaw fell open in delighted shock, Porter slapped her hand over her mouth, the horror in her eyes reflecting the horror in mine.
"Oh my god,"
"Holy shit," Porter and Cade said simultaneously with my very manly screech. The next few seconds were filled with 'oh my gods' from Porter, 'holy shits' from Cade and my screams of horror.
"Get it off. Get it off," I hissed, my body completely still as I stared at one of the hospital's white walls, the reality of what had happened slowly settling in. My blue plaid shirt and jeans were soaked in pee, the stench rolling off of them in waves, making me wrinkle my nose in disgust.
"Holy shit," Cade said, and I could tell he was fighting a grin as my eyes flicked to Porter, who stood frozen, her eyes on my soaked clothes. "Well, look at it this way, Brady, you finally got a girl to fulfill one of your fantasies. I know this isn't what you had in mind when you wanted a girl to piss on you, but close enough, right?"
"Shut up. Shut up," I growled, throwing him a glare over my shoulder.
"Oh my god, Brayden, I am so sorry, I.." Porter spoke up, stumbling over her words. "I-I-I did not mean to do that. I mean, of course, I didn't mean to do that. Why would I mean to do that? I mean it's pretty disgusting. I have had a lot of different men and women's fluids on me before-" She snapped her jaw closed, a frustrated growl leaving her lips.
"Don't worry about it, Porter, this is just another friday for Brady," Cade replied, hiding a grin. The bastard was enjoying this way too much, and when I was finally able to move again, I was going to beat the shit out of him.
"Cade, I will scratch your eyes out. Don't tempt me," I growled. "I am covered from head to toe in some disgusting idiot’s pee-"
"Several...several idiots...and as I say it, I realize that it's not important," Porter interrupted, immediately regretting her choice of words, if the face she made was anything to go by.
"Several, as Porter has so kindly reminded me...several..." I muttered, turning around just in time to watch his face go pale. My eyes widened when it dawn on me that Cade was making his barfing face.
"Backup, Porter, he's about to blow chunks," I warned as I took two steps back, and watched as Cade doubled over, and threw up his lunch.
"Oh my god. Oh my god...I'm gonna be sick," Porter mumbled with panic, right before she doubled over as well and threw up. I jumped out of the way, my stomach turning.
I felt my jaw grow slack as I stared at the horror movie unfolding right before my eyes. There was vomit all over the otherwise white, floor, both Cade and Porter standing over it, frozen, their eyes wide. I'd never seen anything like it.
It was kind of great. Actually, scratch that. It was fucking great.
"Um...hey, Mathews," a girl spoke up from behind us, drawing our attention.
My eyes fell on a pretty brunette leaning against the wall, her eyes falling on the mess on the floor. She stared at all three of us each, seeming absolutely bored. "Clean that mess up before you leave? We don't want any patients slipping on that."
I raised an eyebrow when she sighed, turned around, and walked away. The girl didn't seem fazed at all about the entire thing and it made me wonder how many times this had happened to Porter.
"This happens to you often, doesn't it?" I directed my question at Porter, who just stared at the ground in defeat. Lifting her eyes toward me, she winced.
"Which part? If it's the spilled pee...um...that would be, three times" she replied, her cheeks stained red. I fought the urge to laugh, despite the fact that I was covered in pee.
"Why do they keep giving you pee?" I asked, shaking my head.
"I don't know," she replied, sighing tiredly.
"I need to get this off, or I'm going to kill someone. I smell like Cade after he comes home from the gym," I muttered, putting air quotes on the word gym, making him throw me a glare.
"Oh god, right," Porter replied, turning around in the spot, her eyes searching for something. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into the one of the rooms in the hallway. I heard Cade follow us into the room, a chuckle leaving his lips. I was going to beat the living horse's shit out of him.
Letting her pull me into the bathroom in the room, I fought the urge to groan. I'd always hated hospital bathrooms, they smelled weird and were depressing. Letting go of my arm, she walked over to the shower, slid the glass door open and turned the water on. Realizing what she was doing, I backed up towards the door, catching her attention.
"What are you doing?" she asked, her eyebrows lowering with confusion.
"I'm not gonna use that," I told her, firmly, and she rolled her eyes. I fought the urge to growl at her.
"Did you forget that you're covered in pee?" she asked, slowly, raising an eyebrow.
"No. I wouldn't be able to forget that even if I wanted to, I can smell myself from a mile away. I'm still not getting in that shower," I told her, crossing my arms over my chest and lifting my chin, daring her to argue with me about it.
She lifted an eyebrow, "So you're just going to walk around smelling like a hooker who just left some rich, entitled prick’s room, then?"
"Hey, if I want to go around smelling like a hooker, I will," I argued, glaring and she rolled her eyes, yet again.
"You know, if you're going to be such a baby about it, you probably shouldn't go around getting pee spilled on you in a hospital," she muttered to herself and I gasped, indignantly. How dare she?
"You were the one who spilled it on me. You should be groveling at my feet, asking for my forgiveness," I told her with a huff and she snorted.
"Don't be a drama queen," she mused, smirking. "I've had the pee of about thirty different men on me before, do you see me whining?"
"You do of course realize what that sounds like?" I fought a smile when she growled in my direction.
"Of course I do, but I'm tired and I don't feel like delving into how my brain seems to want to kill me with embarrassment, so for the love of all that is holy, take your damn clothes off and get in the shower," she replied, pointing towards the shower and I took a few steps toward her, until we were a foot apart.
"So that's what this is about, mhm? If you just wanted to get me naked, Porter, all you had to do was ask. Spilling pee on me and dragging me to the shower, was a bit much, but I am flattered that you would go to such lengths," I told her, quietly, a grin on my face. I chuckled when instead of blushing and stumbling over her words like I had expected her to, she rolled her eyes.
"You know, that would be a lot sexier if you didn't smell so bad," she smirked, making me gasp, dramatically. The nerve.
"Porter, how dare you insult your boyfriend? I'll have you know that I can drop panties even if I took a shower in a sewer," I replied with way too much confidence, a grin making its way onto my face.
"Now I kind of wish I had spilled pee on you on purpose," she mumbled and I grinned.
"Kinky," I smirked. "But I'm going to have to insist you buy me dinner before I let you fulfill all your perverted fantasies on me."
"I thought you didn't do that kind of stuff," she replied, raising an eyebrow, her eyes twinkling with mischief.
"It's food, who am I to turn down food?"
"Get in the shower, Cavanaugh," she demanded, nodding towards the running water."You're wasting water."
"No."
"Stop being a baby and get in the damn shower, Brayden Cavanaugh. It is not going to kill you to take a shower in a hospital bathroom. I mean, god, you'd think you'd been in here enough to not be grossed out by the prospect of using one," Porter mumbled, shaking her head with an eye roll.
"I'm not getting in the damn shower," I protested, crossing my arms over my chest and giving her a glare. She imitated my stance and glared back.
That was the state Cade found us in when he walked into the bathroom, his eyebrows raising when his eyes fell on us. When he shook his head with a laugh and walked back out, I realized what we must have looked like. A couple of five year olds. I really didn't care since there was no way I was getting in the damn shower.
At least that's what I told myself.