"Jaemin!"
Jeno was almost out of breath, his chest rose and fell as he took several desperate pants to regain his oxygen intake whilst running all over the place for a few minutes. Jaemin was a fast runner since he did sports and wouldn't stop no matter how much Jeno told him to but Jeno still tried his hardest not to lag behind. The pained expression on Jaemin's face, when their eyes met briefly earlier as he was with Lami, was still engraved his memory. Why did he look hurt? What happened? Jeno increased his pace— did not care if he ran out of steam or not— and inched forward until he grabbed the other by the wrist. They needed to talk.
"Stop." Finally, he had gotten a hold of Jaemin. Though it was difficult, he pulled Jaemin until they were behind a nearby building, away from prying eyes, so that they could talk freely and wouldn't cause a scene. It was already late in the afternoon so there weren't a lot of high students left in the area.
"Let go of me!" Jaemin shouted, pulled his hand back but it was in vain. Jeno's grip was strong.
"Not until you tell me what was that all about," Jeno argued and reeled him in.
But Jaemin was stubborn. "I said, let go of me!"
Jeno would have understood if it was in another circumstance— he would have— but no matter hard he tried analyzing the situation over and over again in his head, he just couldn't comprehend. Jaemin was behaving like a child, impulsive and irrational, squirming out of Jeno's touch, shouting, and it irked Jeno to the point that he realized that he had enough. "Jaemin! Stop it!"
************
"Jaemin! Stop it!
Jaemin was stunned at the sudden raise of tone; he flinched evidently at the sound. Jeno never does that. Jeno's movement came to stop, both of them did. Jeno had managed to back him up into an unfamiliar building's wall, Jaemin's clothed back pressed against the concrete while Jeno stood before him with a menacing face, something Jaemin had never seen before. The grip Jeno had on his wrist was also too tight— it was bound to bruise. Jeno's eyes flickered in a strange manner and it darkened gradually. Jeno looked mad— really mad. What have I done?
A few seconds fleetingly passed by but neither boys had said something. It was so suffocating, how quiet they were. Jaemin was scared, really frightened, and Jeno might have noticed how Jaemin stiffened after his sudden outburst. Jaemin had his head downcast, afraid to stare at the older. Jeno was guilty. So with a heavy feeling of regret, Jeno retrieved his hand; Jaemin suddenly missed the warmth it emitted when the palm left his regardless of how hard the grasp was. "I'm sorry for shouting," Jeno apologized in a gentle voice. "I'm sorry for scaring you."
Why is he sorry? Jeno did nothing wrong! The words echoed in Jaemin's head repeatedly like a broken record and it was sickening the more it lingered in his consciousness. Jaemin was trembling somehow, resentful and embarrassed. He found himself leaning down and was carefully trapped inside Jeno's arms. Jeno had hugged him. "Calm down, okay?" Jeno whispered in his ear, trying to sooth the younger's nerves away, caressed soft circles on his back. His breath was hot and Jaemin was shaken.
It took a while before Jaemin finally managed to calm down but Jeno hadn't let him go before he did. There they stood, awkwardly enclosed the other in a protective embrace. But it was comfortable. When Jaemin's breathing turned even, Jeno pulled him back by his shoulders, offered a small smile then said, "Now, tell me what's wrong?"
Jaemin wasn't sure what to say, how he should act after everything. He was insecure, anxious and definitely clueless. "I'm sorry," he uttered lowly, Jeno almost hadn't caught it.
"Sorry for what?"
"For a lot of things," Jaemin started. "Do you want me to go alphabetically?" It was meant as a joke to ease the tension between them but Jeno didn't look impressed as Jaemin thought he initially would be. Jaemin pursed his lips into a tight line. "I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through— for running away, for pushing you away, for being an insensitive jerk, for everything!" he breathed, "what I did was stupid, I know that now! But it was just— I was so confused."
Jeno had been listening intently, eyeing Jaemin's reactions for any slight change and asked, "Confused about?"
"Myself and the feelings I have for you."
"Jaemin, what do you mean?" Jeno tilted his head to the side in confusion, brows knitted in question.
Was Jaemin going to finally admit what he really felt for Jeno? Is this it?
"I know you don't want to hear this but bear in mind, I didn't want this to happen as well— it just did."
"What?" It hadn't made the situation less complicated than it already was. Jeno looked genuinely lost. "Jaemin, where are you going with this? You're confusing me."
"I— it happened so suddenly, after we became close, or probably even before that, but one day, I just realized that I couldn't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try. It was straining, I couldn't sleep well at night and I stare off in space at day." Explaining how he really felt was hard, Jaemin knew he was blurting out nonsense and Jeno might not even understand half of it but it had to be done, Jaemin had to let it out before his heart exploded. "I was so confused why it was happening to me— I did not know what to do." His chest was hurting. Was he going to die? He felt like he was. "I— like y-you!"
Silence soon followed. Jaemin had his eyes closed tightly but he was expecting. Jeno just stood there, hadn't uttered anything as he continued to stare at Jaemin, without word, tracing the latter's face in his mind until the picture was engraved in his memory permanently. His face remained passive despite the rapid beating of his own heart.
Jaemin had grown sick of the stillness. "Please say something. Anything!" Jaemin knew that his confession was lousy and stupid and not what he had in mind but the way that Jeno remained unperturbed as the latter received his proclamation was nerve wrecking. He was beyond antsy, his hands were shivering and he wanted to disappear, to dig put a hole and hide there for all of eternity. He just confessed to Jeno! And it was just as mortifying as he thought. "Get mad! Shout at me! Anything! But don't stay silent, p-please? I-it's killing m-me." Goodness, he was beyond distress that his eyes started to sting in frustration. "P-please...."
But what Jeno answered in return definitely took Jaemin aback. "Tell me this is real. Tell me I'm not dreaming."
Jaemin's eyes faltered open at the statement. He hadn't seen that one coming, not by a mile.
************
"Tell me I'm not dreaming," Jeno said lowly in disbelief, but like a whisper, meant for only Jaemin to hear.
When the words caught his sensitive ear, Jaemin opened his eyes to stare at the other incredibly. "What?"
"You're not joking, right? You're being serious?" He was bewildered. Did Jaemin confessed to him? He wasn't just imaging it, right? He heard it with his own ears, right?
"Of course I'm serious! Why wouldn't I be?!"
Jaemin looked offended, crossed at Jeno's query but Jeno couldn't blame him. Jaemin was serious and it was stupid to ask. "I don't know," Jeno answered, almost uncertain. His head was in a frenzy and he tried his absolute hardest to stay cool outwardly but his mind was a train wreck. He collected every bit of sanity and rationality he had left in his distraught state so he wouldn't utter another unintelligible statement. "I just don't know what's going on inside your mind a lot of times, I thought I could but I can't. You look like you're easy to read but in fact, that's not the case. You're very unpredictable, Jaemin."
"I— I k-know, I— I'm sorry." Jaemin ran out of things to say, in the end he just sighed warily. "Really, Jeno, I am."
Jaemin looked so dejected and vulnerable, and Jeno hated it. "Don't be." Jeno shook his head disapprovingly. "It's not your fault. I guess... it was all mine."
Disappointment shone through Jaemin's orbs but Jeno overlooked it and brushed the sight off. "Don't say that."
"But it is," Jeno insisted. "I mean, I'm bad with people, I don't know how to handle them, everyone for that matter. I don't know how I should act around them. Mark and the others— sometimes I ask how they could still stand me all throughout these years, when I'm, y'know, me." There it was again, the same venomous tone he used when he talked about his parents before, when Jeno told Jaemin about his past. And now that the tables were turned, he had used it on himself. He promised he wouldn't but he did. Jeno chuckled bitterly at the notion. "And with you.... it's all the same. I understand why you wanted me out of your life." If Jeno was honest, when Jaemin asked to leave him alone, that day on the rooftop, it hurt; it wounded his pride and ego, but most especially, it broke his heart, smashed it into smithereens. All he wanted was to see Jaemin and yet again, he was pushed aside and left wanting from a distance. But after careful thought, Jaemin had every right to ask Jeno to stay away. At some point, Jeno had been selfish, pressuring the younger with his own advances. Jaemin didn't deserve that. And Jeno was just not good enough.
"It's not like that, Jeno," Jaemin disagreed but Jeno was just as stubborn as he was. "It has never been like that."
"I get it, Jaemin. No use trying to make things better for me." Jeno waved his hand dismissively; he was so convinced with his own perspective that he hadn't listened to Jaemin's desperate pleas anymore, had deemed them very unnecessary given the situation. "You don't have to lie anymore, okay?"
"But Jeno—"
For once in his life, Jeno felt completely hopeless and tired. "I'm afraid," he started. Jeno wasn't sure why he was being truthful all of a sudden but it was better than nothing. Mark was right, he wasn't going to achieve anything if he just continued staring, pining in silence and did nothing. He had to do something. "I have been so used to people leaving me behind that I don't seem to care anymore if someone else does. In that sense, I felt like I had nothing left to lose and I wouldn't get to feel the exact kind of pain I felt back then. It was playing safe, being a coward, but I preferred it that way. I just didn't want to get hurt anymore. I didn't want to hurt anyone."
"But then you came along, you made everything brighter, the world seemed like a better place with you in it. You gave me something to look forward to everyday, seeing you, hanging around, and just being with you." Jeno smiled fondly as he looked back at Jaemin but it wasn't right. It didn't reach till his eyes like it usually did. "But that's just it. As time passed by, I started having these feelings for you and I got scared. I'm scared that everything will end eventually because I know it will. Everything ends, it always does. I'm scared at the very possibility that I'll get hurt, that you'll be dragged into this mess that I created, that all of this," Jeno gestured towards himself and at Jaemin, "will just be a beautiful dream and that you'll disappear when I wake up." Jeno's voice sounded so strained and wary, his body was hunched forward. "And I don't want that."
"Jeno, I won't do that." Jaemin was trying to let Jeno see reason, though Jeno had turned a blind eye on him. "It won't end up like that."
Jeno didn't listen. "Y'know what, I like you too. Wait .. no, in fact, I love you," he emphasized, albeit his previous actions had told otherwise, Jeno meant very word. Jeno smiled again but he knew it wasn't genuine, Jaemin knew that too. Suddenly, everything turned stuffy. It was starting to get dark, faint shadows formed underneath their feet, and though the sun was slowly setting behind his back and the skies were illuminated by colorful hues, Jeno couldn't seem to care. The ambiance was romantic but it wasn't how things were supposed to be. It wasn't how their mutual confession should have happened. "But— whatever this is, whatever we have between us, let's just forget about it."
"What?" Jaemin was dumbstruck at the proposition. "How could you say that?" His voice cracked again, he was close to tears and Jeno hated himself for intentionally hurting Jaemin like that.
"Can't you see how complicated it already is? If it's this hard for you, for us, now then it would be much harder later on. How about we just stay as friends while we still can? Like what we already are?" The hand he still had on Jaemin's shoulder slowly slid down his school jacket, hanging loosely by the sleeves until Jeno had finally let him go. "That way, no one will get hurt." It sounded so vague in his head, so selfish, but Jeno had no other option. If it meant that Jaemin would be free from any more potential harm and heartbreak, and even if Jeno's own feelings were at stake, so be it.
Jaemin appeared speechless and confused. He opened his mouth, his lips were evidently quivering, but was quick to close it back again in hesitation. In that sense, Jeno knew that Jaemin would agree eventually, that Jaemin couldn't think of a comeback to counter his request. Then, Jeno instinctively took a step back. Since the dispute was clear and there was no point in talking anymore, he had to leave, he still had to do his part for their group project. Mark probably had came back and his friends were waiting for him at their classroom. And also, Jeno wasn't in the mood to stay and wait for Jaemin to recover, he had to get away, or else, he wouldn't move on. It's for the best.
But just as he was about to spun around and retreat his earlier strides, Jaemin harshly grabbed him by the arm, both hands reached out to keep Jeno still, preventing him to leave. Jeno slowly regarded the other male, his gaze was questioning. Then Jaemin found his voice and courage back and finally said, stern and decisive, "I don't want to be your friend, Jeno."
A/N: We're almost done; 1 more chapter and epilogue left. Lol. I have the last chapter 75% written and will probably post it in a few hours so ... yeah. TAC is really ending. XD I'm not gonna get emotional 'cause I'm saving that up for the ending. Lol. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this.