I felt so weak. My eyelids felt like they had weights tied to them, keeping me from opening them. I could hear people around me though, I could hear Dad and Matt and Jon, they were talking about how worried they were about me. I finally managed to open my eyes and they were all staring at me with concern haunting their eyes. I looked around, I was back in the hospital room and my arms were wrapped, Dad came over to me with tears in his eyes and grabbed my hand. The silent question bouncing around the room, why? I looked all three of them in the eye before I opened my mouth to talk. "I'm sorry guys, I'm sorry Dad. I had felt that there was no other way, I wanted Ryan back. I guess I failed to see who I would hurt if I did this." I looked down to my lap, I couldn't make eye contact with any of them. I felt ashamed for being that selfish to people who just lost someone already. Then I felt arms around me, all three of them were hugging me, telling me it was okay because they had got to me in time.
Matt and Dad had got to me first, Matt had been one his way as soon as he read my note and because I had walked slow, Dad had found my note when he went to check on me. They showed up at the same time and took me to the hospital so they could save me, especially since I had already lost a lot of blood. They patched me up and got me stable then they just had to wait to see if I would wake up. Jon had arrived not long after they got me stable and they've all been waiting for an hour. It didn't even feel like I'd been gone that long.
A few weeks after I almost killed myself I woke up to my alarm playing Scars by Papa Roach, and I sang along to the chorus, "I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, my weakness is that I care too much, and the scars remind us, that the past is real, I tear my heart open, just to feel." I took a glance at my arms where the scars were visible. I don't regret it but I wouldn't do it again, and I've been getting help. Dad suggested a therapist and he helps as much as he can too and Matt and Jon come over when they can. I lost my job but I still have my apartment and I'm going back to school in a few weeks. I've been getting better seeing Ryan that last time, even if it wasn't real it was real enough for me, made everything come into focus that was blurry from his death. I know he's still here with me though and that's all I need. I'm not alone. Not anymore.