My eyes were fixed on my intertwined hand, resting comfortably in Camila‘s lap. I was somehow stuck in a trance ever since we had left city hall. The last thing I remembered was exchanging vows and a heartfelt kiss. Now I was sitting in the car on the way back to the apartment but I honestly couldn’t recall how I even got here. My brain was on overload. It was flooded with too many memorable moments that kept replaying in my head.
Camila’s vows had genuinely taken a toll on me. I felt like she had cast some sort of spell on me when her sincere words for me had left her lips. Although I hadn’t liked the idea of Ally filming us during the official act of getting married, in hindsight I was glad the older woman had. Now I was able to watch it back because I didn’t want to forget a single word. I kept eyeing the wedding bands on our ring fingers, matching each engagement ring perfectly when it really hit me.
“We’re married”, I blurted out and still focused on the golden jewelry.
“I know”, Camila’s soft voice occurred and made me look up for a second, meeting the warm brown color of her eyes.
“No…I’m actually married”, I repeated in what seemed like shock.
“Um…I think it’s a little too late for cold feet, Lauren”, the younger woman said with a gentle laugh.
“That’s not what I mean”, I immediately made sure but smiled as well now. “When people are going to ask me, I can say that I’m married now. Not to be self-loathing but I kind of made peace with the idea that I wouldn’t get married. To be honest, I had accepted that I would probably end up alone because of my career and the fact that I’m quite the handful. I just…didn’t think someone would want to be with me for forever or would want to…claim me.”
I blinked a few times and realized that I was just speaking without thinking. As soon as my gaze lifted and met her eyes again, there was warmth spreading throughout my entire body when it dawned on me that I was looking at my wife.
“Well, I’m claiming you”, she whispered and squeezed my hand assuredly. “You’re mine”, the voice added with a subtle smirk before leaning in. The full lips connected with mine in a soft kiss as I inhaled deeply and enjoyed her being so affectionate. It was definitely one of the things I adored most about her. People had often told me that I was quite touchy but Camila took things to another level ever since we had been together. Her last words only reinforced how possessive the younger woman could be at times. But it was just what I needed sometimes; the knowledge that I was wanted.
Releasing me from the tender kiss, her eyes wandered to the other side of the town car where Ally was sitting. She looked rather distraught and I had completely forgotten about her being there at that point.
“Ally? Are you ok?”, Camila asked carefully.
“Yeah”, the oldest suddenly squealed enthusiastically which caused a bigger smile on my lips. “I was just replaying your vows in my head. Gosh, you were both so cute. I can’t wait to show the footage to everyone else! But I have to say that I almost don’t want to show Troy.”
“What, why?”, I questioned confused.
“Because we spent weeks preparing our vows and they honestly weren’t half as good as yours …which were improvised”, Ally explained.
“It’s not a competition”, the woman next to me interjected. “You can’t compare something like that. Besides, I was at your wedding and your vows were perfect.”
“Really?”, the Texan sought validation with only a hint of uncertainty.
“Beyond perfect”, Camila reiterated with no hesitation.
“Ok, then I guess I can show everyone.”
“I’m not going to watch it”, I chimed in and saw both pair of eyes quickly focusing on me. “I don’t think I can handle it again today. Maybe tomorrow but I’m still a mess to be honest.”
Camila’s smile widened in what looked like a content, almost smug expression on her face. I leaned in this time and stole another kiss from her. A part of me wanted to make a snarky comeback to get that smug smile off and banter but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything other than cuddle up to her and simply enjoy the comfort of knowing we were officially married. I never would have thought that a simple piece of paper would bring so much joy but the amount of sheer happiness I felt was unfathomable. Paralyzed by the sight of our rings again, I was perfectly fine just staring at them in silence for the rest of the car ride.
I was slightly nervous about getting back to the apartment because I knew everyone was there and they had planned a little party. It wasn’t going to be big but it was still bigger than my original idea of just Camila and I getting married with no one else really knowing. I was happy with the decision of sharing this day with our loved ones, though.
But my nerves were flaring up when I stood in front of my apartment and opened the front door. There was a bunch of squeals and shrieks when the three of us walked into the living room. I was hugged by so many people at once that I had no idea who it was until I was released. Everyone was congratulating Camila and I and it took some time before I noticed what they had set up. It was absolutely perfect; not over the top but tasteful and festive. The decoration was subtle and romantic. There was a rather big buffet of several dishes, a lot of them were traditional Cuban and Mexican dishes and I could only imagine my mom and the others working away in the kitchen all day.
I was flattered they had made such an effort despite all of my attempts to tone things down. They had been right in making this at least a little celebration, I had to admit. So I thanked everyone and made sure they knew that I appreciated them being here. Time flew by while everyone mingled, ate and just had a great time. Ally was showing the video and I quickly fled the scene and went into the kitchen. I wasn’t ready to see it without probably crying again. Instead, I enjoyed a few moments of peace while cleaning up.
There were steps approaching, heels to be more specific, and I saw Normani walking in the kitchen. I put the dishes away and focused on my close friend, standing a few feet away from me. Her eyes were glistening and it was a very hard thing to make Normani cry. I could only imagine that the video of our vows had at least made her tear up; which was quite the accomplishment. However, she was still not speaking but there was the kindest smile fixed on her lips.
“You’re actually married”, she finally spoke up and I couldn’t help but grin with her.
“Crazy, right?”, I bit my lower lip and looked at the ring for a quick moment.
“Congratulations, Lauren”, Normani said with such sincerity and warmth that I felt my own eyes tearing up at my friends genuine words.
“Thank you”, I barely whispered before clearing my throat. “Not just for today but for everything you’ve done in the past couple of years, especially lately.”
“No thanks necessary”, she answered nonchalantly.
“I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you this past year”, I said truthfully. “You know, Alexa and I made a pact when we were really young. The pact was that we would be each other’s’ maid of honors. But if this would have been a bigger ceremony, I want you to know that I would have picked you.”
The brown eyes widened in apparent surprise when I informed her on what I had thought about. It was the absolute truth and even if she didn’t get to play that part in the wedding, I wanted her to at least know about it.
“You would have chosen me over your oldest friend?”, my former band member asked shocked.
“I don’t think you realize what a huge part you play in this happening today”, I replied but saw her shaking her head.
“No, I didn’t do much except buy you clothes and apply some make-up. The party was mostly Dinah and…-“
“That’s not what I mean”, I cut her off because she was missing the point with a smile. “I don’t mean the party or the ceremony. I’m talking about the fact that Camila and I are together. You were the one talking to me in this very kitchen after that huge fight I had with her here. You told me to break things off with Shannon and not settle for less unless I was sure I didn’t see another chance with Camila. You invited me to Texas where I made up with her. I don’t know if I would have ever reached out after what happened back then because I was so happy being in denial once again.”
Normani was not much of a talker in general but she was suspiciously quiet now and I realized that she was touched by what I said and kept going.
“You flew to Miami by yourself after I told you I wanted to break things off with Camila to spare her from knowing about my illness. You risked losing my trust to save my relationship because you knew that I needed her. You have not only been the most selfless and amazing friend to me but both of us. And if that’s not honorable then I don’t know what is? So yes, I would have chosen you over my oldest friend”, I explained calmly but felt so relieved to share my deepest feelings of gratitude and appreciation for her.
“Your friendship is one of the most valuable things to me and I really hope you know that”, I added and Normani’s eyes were damper than before. She wasn’t crying but this was about as much as you would get out of her.
“You know, for someone who say she doesn’t have a way with words when put on the spot, you’ve made an awful lot of people cry today”, Normani referred to the vows I assumed and my speech just now.
“Is that your way of saying you love me?”, I chuckled and saw her approaching me.
“Come here you cheeseball”, she mocked but I knew how to take it. The older one put her arms around me in a tight embrace. I hugged her just as tightly before I heard another voice.
“Hey, get your hands off my wife”, Camila entered the kitchen and playfully glared at Normani who kept one arm around my shoulder. I couldn’t deny that my heart skipped a beat when I heard Camila referring to me as her wife for the first time.
“What? Jealous of a little laurmani action?”, Normani teased the youngest coming towards us.
“I was always jealous of laurmani “, the light-haired one confessed and pouted a little.
“True”, Normani agreed. “It’s funny that people always said Lauren was crazy jealous, which is true as well, but Camila is on another level even when she doesn’t say it.”
“I might be a little territorial”, the other Latina admitted while reaching us and putting her arms around my neck to reinforce her words of being possessive.
“A little?”, Normani scoffed and withdrew her arm around my shoulder as soon as Camila pressed her body tightly against mine. I looked into the chocolate eyes and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.
“We’ve talked about this and I claimed her, sorry”, Camila referred to our conversation in the car and I found myself smiling again.
“Claim away, I’m giving you some alone time”, my friend said but Camila quickly grabbed her hand.
“I love you, though”, the youngest said in the sweetest tone and gave her those puppy dog eyes which made Normani roll her eyes.
“I love you, too”, she reciprocated smirking before leaving the kitchen and giving Camila and I the first few moments by ourselves since getting married before.
The younger woman did not waste any time and kissed me more passionately than before. I was pressed up against the kitchen counter and felt the wooden surface on my bottom. The slender arms were folded around my neck while I placed my hands on her lower back and waist. Our kisses had been rather timid and more emotional before but I felt her pressing her body against mine with more fervor. I could taste the wine on her lips and everyone was a little drunk by now. Even I had had a glass of wine and felt tipsy just from that. Dr. Phelps had allowed me to have a drink when I felt up for it and this had been the first one since my treatment had started. The alcoholic taste on her mouth did not bother me whatsoever, though. Her tongue slid across my lower lip and I parted my lips expectantly. To my surprise, she didn’t deepen the kiss but softly pulled away.
“I…have a gift for you”, she suddenly revealed before taking a deep breath.
“What?! We said no gifts”, I exclaimed because I hadn’t gotten her anything. Instead of wedding gifts, we had asked everyone to donate to the breast cancer foundation I had teamed up with a while ago after Camila’s mom had passed. I assumed the no gift rule would apply to us as well and was dumbfounded at her words.
“Actually, it’s not a gift from me to you. It’s a gift from you to someone else”, Camila left me even more confused.
“I don’t understand”, I admitted while still enjoying her closeness.
“They found a donor for Maddie”, the younger woman spoke quietly while her eyes narrowed but I felt like someone had just hit me over the head with a baseball bat.
“What?”, was all I managed to get out in a breathy voice when the images of the young girl in need of a bone marrow transplant infiltrated my brain.
“Her mom just called”, the voice continued as I almost zoned out. “It’s a young woman our age. She’s a fan of yours, saw your video in the hospital and instantly got registered. The first test said she was a match for Maddie and she’s flying out to New York next week for further testing and the possible transplantation then.”
I was in shock. This was somehow not being properly processed and I wasn’t sure why. It could have been seconds or minutes of me just staring off until Camila’s voice reached my ears again.
“Lauren? Are you ok? Should I not have said that today?”, the concern was obvious in the light-haired one’s voice and I snapped out of my dazed state to sooth her.
“No, I’m fine”, I finally got out and stroked her warm cheek with thumb. “I just…didn’t expect this to be honest. After your mom and then Adam…I sort of prepared myself for another heartbreak.”
Meeting her eyes, I saw them oozing with tenderness and felt her hands gliding through my dark locks.
“You really needed this, didn’t you? A possible victory”, she absolutely nailed what I failed at articulating.
“Yeah”, I admitted and felt her cupping my face lovingly before kissing my forehead. Inhaling deeply, I tried to process what Camila had just told me while hugging the woman in front of me. I held on tight and she did the same. A part of me almost couldn’t believe that the sick girl would have a chance to survive. She had looked worse than Adam for example but this just proved to me that I could not give up, ever. The most unforeseen things could happen and maybe this felt like the final push for me to really fight.
We stayed by ourselves for a couple of more minutes before Alexa dragged us back to the rest. It was genuinely one of the best days of my life, if not the very best. Everything was perfect although I hadn’t planned on any of it really. It was very late by now and I was starting to say goodbye to people when Vero approached me with a gift box. I instantly kinked an eyebrow and gave her a disapproving look.
“What part of ‘no gifts’ did you not understand?”, I asked and saw her devilishly grinning.
“Don’t worry, I still made a donation but I wanted to give you this anyway”, the high-end buyer gave me the box and I saw Camila approaching us. My instincts told me that I shouldn’t open it. Knowing Vero, I was afraid what she might have bought.
“What is this?”, Camila asked curiously and I sighed quietly.
“Why don’t you take a peek, Lauren?”, Vero almost dared me and decided to go against my better judgment by lifting the top of the box. The first thing I saw was a pair fluffy handcuffs. I gulped and remembered Dinah giving me the same present for my birthday. But that was not the only one thing in the box. My eyes focused on a bunch of costumes. My memory of our drinking game not too long ago was sparked and I gasped when I discovered a certain…toy that had been mentioned as well…something Camila wasn’t too unfamiliar with. I quickly shut the box again and felt my cheeks burning up because my mom was coming over.
“Hija, why did Vero get to buy a gift and I didn’t?”, my mother scolded me unhesitatingly and all I could think of was the content in the red box.
“I…umm…I don’t know…”, I stuttered and saw Vero’s cunning smile again.
“You don’t know?”, the older woman questioned confused because my answer made no sense apparently.
“Thank you for that…thoughtful gift, Vero”, Camila tried saving me and pretending like everything was fine in a polite tone.
“You’ll thank me tomorrow”, Vero responded smugly and I wanted to punch her right now.
“Let me see”, my mom said and reached for the box.
“NO!”, Vero, Camila and I exclaimed at the same time.
“Dios mío, what is going on with you?”, she gasped because of the heavy reaction.
“Nothing…I just don’t think you want to see that”, I whispered distraught and saw my mother gasping louder now.
“Veronica!”, she scolded again and obviously realized what kind of gift it might be.
“What?”, Vero rolled her eyes. “It’s their wedding night! Are we really going to pretend that they are not going to hump each other like a bunch of horny rabbits for the next few weeks?”
“Oh my God”, I murmured in horror and buried my face in my free hand in complete and utter embarrassment.
“Boundaries, look it up some time”, I glared at my friend who was just smiling like this wasn’t super awkward.
“Why don’t I take this somewhere else”, Camila suggested and took the box from my hand so the divisive object was gone. Even my mom was blushing and I shook my head before slapping Vero’s arm as my mother turned away.
“Ouch!”, Vero whined.
“What the fuck are you doing?”, I hissed.
“Spicing up your sex life”, she answered casually. “You’re welcome.”
“I don’t need any…spices”, I replied uncomfortably and heard Vero laughing wholeheartedly.
“Is spices your code word for sex toys?”
“Would you just shut up?”, I mumbled because she was giving me such a hard time.
“Don’t worry, Camila obviously knows what she’s doing”, Vero continued and my heart skipped a beat because my wife was gone and so was the box. Wait…what if she wanted to actually make us of the gift? I gulped and recalled that my friend was right in the sense that Camila wasn’t as shy as I was. Oh God, my heart started racing before I saw Vero grinning.
“That’s it. The party is over anyways and you can go as well”, I said because everyone else was in fact leaving.
“Oh, for us the party is over but for you it’s just getting started”, Vero whispered while hugging me goodbye. Great, now I was nervous about what would happen after this. I hadn’t been nervous before but now…did Camila expect something more adventurous on our wedding night? My school girl outfit hadn’t been very successful because of Dinah’s interruption but maybe costumes were fine. What if Camila had something different in mind, though?
I did not have a lot of time to think, thankfully. Camila came back and we finished saying goodbye to everyone which took a lot longer than usual. The fact that everyone was so happy, and drunk for that matter, meant a lot more talking but I just wanted to have some alone time with my wife at this point. My wife, I repeated internally for the millionth time and still smiled like an idiot every single time.
Once everyone had left, I made my way into the bedroom while Camila was in the bathroom. There it was. The freaking red box. Slowly making my way over to the bed where the box was placed, I stood in front of it for several seconds without doing anything else. I took a deep breath and remembered Camila saying that she was happy with our love life as it was. My curiosity got the best of me though. I hesitated but then opened it again, taking another quick look into the content. The worst part was, that there were things I genuinely had no idea what they were even for? I was a prude, wasn’t I?
“Find anything good?”, Camila’s husky voice appeared right behind me and I flinched while closing the box in a hurry and pushing it away. Busted!
“I-uh…wasn’t really looking”, I tried not very convincingly before I felt one hand resting on my waist.
“Sure you weren’t”, the woman standing behind me scoffed. I had no time to respond because Camila took me by surprise with her next move. Her free hand placed itself between my shoulder blades and suddenly pushed my entire upper body down. I gasped in surprise when she essentially bent me over and pushed her hips against my bottom. Another gasp.
“Jesus”, my voice was muffled because my face was shoved into the bed sheets. I quickly propped up on my forearms but Camila held me down with her hand wandering to the back of my neck. God, this was so bad but so arousing at the same time.
“What do you think you’re doing?”, I asked and noticed the little tremble in my question.
“Preparing you for the night of your life”, the woman answered nonchalantly and only added to my nerves.
“Oh really? Someone’s confident.”
She almost groaned and used her hand previously placed on my waist to hike up my dress and expose my behind except for the little thong I wore.
“I didn’t think it was possible but you’re even hornier when you’re drunk”, I teased to regain some control of the situation but Camila just caressed the newly naked skin with her palm. She didn’t even bother responding but squeezed the firm cheeks one at a time while making a sound that was impossible to describe. I could only imagine the red tint on my face right about now.
“Are you enjoying yourself?”, I laughed a little nervously because the sexually uninhibited side of her was thrilling yet intimidating at the same time.
“You bet your perfect little ass I am”, the light-haired one finally spoke and gave my bottom a light smack which educed another gasp from me. “Are you telling me you don’t like it?”
“What? You groping away?”, I kept trying to sound unfazed by making snarky comments when my entire body was starting to heat up. The pressure on my neck grew stronger when I noticed Camila bending down as well and laying on top of me now. Her lips grazed my ear and I almost moaned at the simple contact of her hips pressing more assertively against me.
“No, I’m talking about me being dominant”, Camila whispered in my ear and made my heart stop right there. “Taking charge, leaving you with no control when you’re so used to controlling everything else.” Her tongue traced the outline of my ear. “The idea of me just bending you over and having my way with you is not turning you on?” She sucked my earlobe. “Who are you kidding?” Her teeth sank into the soft flesh just beneath my ear, my weak spot. “You like this just as much as I do.” She thrust her hips against my bottom. “I’m going to fuck your brains out tonight.”
I was gone. My mind had left my body as soon as Camila had started her little power-play. I was just a quivering mess and tried to save some dignity by not moaning right away. Her voice. God, her husky voice was so lust-filled and seductive it made my entire body tingle in expectation. Not to mention that her words were slightly offensive to my ego but so true. I didn’t want to admit it but I had to accept the fact that I was the submissive one here. Still, I didn’t want to make things so easy for her and admit to her superiority just now.
So I managed to wiggle around beneath her and wrestled her down so she was lying beneath me while I straddled her. I put my hand on her mouth to stop her from talking any more.
“I may have the foulest mouth but you have the dirtiest by far”, I teased and smirked because I was in control now. Not for long because she took my hand off her lips to speak.
“Well, why don’t you try it some time?”, Camila suggested with a sly grin and groped my behind again.
“You would love that, wouldn’t you?”, I chuckled and actually enjoyed our banter without being uncomfortable.
“Then tell me just one fantasy of yours if you don’t like my suggestion. Please”, the younger woman pleaded and her brown eyes locked with mine. I swallowed lightly and inadvertently thought of something that just popped into my head. “Oh my God, you’re actually thinking something”, she noticed and instantly sat up enthusiastically.
“I may have wondered…”, I started carefully and folded my arms around her neck while studying the little mole on her shoulder that I loved very much. “…what it must feel like to be on the receiving end of…a lap dance”, I confessed with my cheeks turning red once more.
“You’ve never been to a strip-club?”, Camila sounded astonished.
“Have you?”, I shot back even more surprised and saw her biting her lower lip to hide another smirk. “Who are you?”, I added with a laugh because sometimes I couldn’t believe the things Camila had done while we had been separated for years.
“Someone who had a lot of guy friends in college”, she answered with a shrug.
“So you were basically a frat-boy”, I couldn’t stop the teasing and heard her laughing now; the sound filling me with so much joy I thought my heart would implode.
“Is that another fantasy of yours?”, she almost purred in that dark and sexy voice. “Have me dressed up as a boy?”
“Nah”, I shook my head instantly and scrunched up my nose in distaste. “I like you just the way you are”, I admitted and stroked her arms gently.
“What do you like most about my body?”, she whispered before I kinked an eyebrow.
“Self-absorbed much?”
“I’m trying to loosen you up a little”, Camila explained and kissed my chin lightly.
“You go first then”, I challenged but I knew she probably had no trouble telling me in excruciatingly detail what she liked.
“Isn’t that obvious?”, she giggled and gave my butt a firm squeeze to emphasize her liking for my behind. I joined in her small laughter before my eyes fixed on her biting her lower lip. Instinctively, I touched the mentioned part of her mouth with my thumb and freed it from her teeth.
“Your lips”, I said very quietly but answered her questioned while being completely occupied with watching her mouth. “They’re so soft and full. It’s not like your ego needs any more boosting but you’re by far the best kisser I’ve ever encountered and…well, obviously you know how to use them in other ways too”, I added with a shy smile and met the chocolate orbs burning with desire.
“Oh yeah? Doing what?”, she challenged me to talk more but I wasn’t sure if I could.
“You know what, you perv”, I went back to teasing her to avoid me having to explain further.
“I want you to say it”, the brown-eyed dared me but I shook my head. “You like it when I go down you”, she spoke out what I couldn’t and made my eyes widen before I put my hand back on her mouth.
“I swear to God, if I told people what a sex-crazed freak you are no one would believe me”, I laughed because Camila had always had that innocent reputation and the fact that she was so sensual was still surprising me to this day. She mumbled something but it was muffled by my hand which I withdrew then.
“We both know I always had a seductive side”, Camila remarked while I thought about it. “You just chose to ignore it like everything else in your bubble of denial. I flirted with you and even tried being seductive here and there but you were so oblivious.”
“That could be true”, I admitted quietly but gasped as my wife pushed my hips into hers by pressing my bottom against her.
“Enough about the past, though. I want to fuck you so bad”, she said smugly, knowing very well that her talking so candidly caused that weird combination of shame and excitement within me. “But since you were so kind to share your fantasy with me, I think it’s only fair we try that.”
I felt my eyebrows rising and couldn’t believe she honestly wanted to give me lap dance. My heart was racing immediately before Camila stood up unexpectedly and put me on the floor.
“I have an idea”, her grin almost scared me when she took my hand and ordered me to stay in front of the bed. She left for a few seconds and dragged in a chair of the dining table. Placing it in front of me, I assumed she wanted me to sit on it and the light-haired woman guided me to do so. I gulped as soon as I was sitting on the chair with Camila towering over me. That damn smirk on her face was causing me heart-palpitations. Was she seriously going to do it?
“So, you want me to be your little stripper tonight?”, she husked while brushing my hair back behind my ears.
“Technically, I never said anything about you being stripper”, I corrected and saw her rolling her eyes.
“A lap dance is not a full-blown fantasy, ok? Let’s just have fun with it”, the younger one said.
“Ok”, I simply answered now and was willing to give up the control after having bantered and playfully argued for a while now. To be honest, I was just as eager to get to the good part. All that talking and banter was basically like foreplay but in the end I always knew that Camila would have the upper hand. She knew it and I did as well.
“Good, then wait and don’t move”, she suddenly walked away.
“Hold on, where are you going?”, I asked confused.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be right back and give you the show you paid me for”, Camila apparently was in ‘character” already and I felt my mouth drying instantly. “Let me just change into something more adequate.”
And with that, she disappeared in the bathroom while I sat on the chair. I took a very deep breath to calm my heart-rate but that seemed impossible. The mere idea of the younger woman giving me a lap dance was making me lightheaded. Having that idea come true in a few minutes was too much to handle right now. My hands were clammy and shaking a little and it was embarrassing how submissive I was when it came to her. I thought back to what she had said about being seductive in the past. She had been right. The sense of being so powerless in her presence had always been there. Now, it was just stronger than ever when the seductive woman played out her cards.
——————————————————
I was in a spectacular mood today. Actually, I had been in a very good mood ever since coming back to LA to start rehearsing for the Neon Lights Tour. The little break in between had done wonders it seemed. I was perfectly content with the way things were going lately. The girls and I were working really hard to tighten everything in our set for the upcoming tour. We only had a very short amount of time to do everything in our power to make this show better than the previous ones. Not only were we on tour with Demi Lovato but also Little Mix. There was no competition whatsoever but seeing their performances, I was definitely impressed with the British girl band and it motivated me to work even harder.
We were filming some behind the scenes footage for Vevo today while shooting our intros for the tour. I loved getting dolled up and showcasing some poses and moves for the camera. This episode was more about Normani and I as we led the camera team through the process of the shoot. I loved doing these types of things with Normani because she was very professional. It was nice having someone with you who took things seriously and I didn’t have to worry about screwing up so much - Unless Normani was with Dinah and Camila. The two younger ones brought out her goofy side as well.
Thinking about Camila caused me to brood once more. The brown-eyed girl was still such a mystery to me. I had done my very best to mend what had been broken last year ever since we had flown out here together. It seemed to work. She was paying me more attention and it seemed like old times but that changed every fucking day. Sometimes I truly felt like I was stuck in our song “Who Are You” because I never knew what version of Camila I would get: the touchy-feely one who was my friend or the distant and almost detached one who only hung out with Dinah?
The past couple of days, ever since our emotional conversation in the storage room after the Clean&Clear commercial shoot, Camila had barely said two words to me. I recalled that she had hinted at keeping a secret she couldn’t tell me but I had given up on trying to find an answer. It was better to just ride things out as they came. Of course it bothered me when the Miami native treated me like I wasn’t there but I was too happy at the moment to dwell on it.
I was standing in front of the camera and talked about the fashion aspect of Fifth Harmony when someone appeared behind me and scared the shit out of me. My entire body tensed for a moment until I saw the familiar brown eyes next to me. Camila was smiling with a little uncertainty as I greeted her in shock. My heart was pounding so heavily that I was concerned it would pop out of my chest. I admitted to her having scared me and felt it again.
That weird feeling when the younger one suddenly started noticing me again. She hadn’t spoken to me in days but now she scared me in front of the camera? My bewilderment was overshadowed by that genuine feeling of bliss when she interacted with me. It was instinctual to put my hand on her arm while she explained to having expected a bigger reaction. I was seemingly paralyzed by her for a few seconds before I remembered what was happening.
“I’m doing an interview”, I spoke softly because I didn’t want to be unprofessional no matter how much I enjoyed her attention. Her hand also placed itself on my arm as I lowered it again. The contact of her slender fingers gently holding my wrist out of frame caused goose bumps everywhere. What the hell? I couldn’t stop looking into the chocolate eyes putting some kind of spell on me.
“So? I can still scare you whenever I want”, Camila said in a tone that made my heart beat erratically. This time it wasn’t caused by her attempt of scaring me but the almost flirtatious undertone in that husky voice. I felt myself smiling like an idiot even though I wasn’t certain why. But I couldn’t help it when I saw the younger one flashing that impeccable smile of hers. Even her smile looked different….almost seductive and smug. I was left dumbfounded when she turned away.
“Ok”, I squealed because I didn’t know how to control that fluttering feeling in my stomach.
I did my very best to ignore what happened and my reaction to it quickly and focused on the rest of my interviews. It wasn’t until the next day of rehearsal when I was put in a similar situation.
My body was definitely aching from the strenuous work of dancing for almost nine hours when our choreographers told us we were done for the day. I took a deep breath and grabbed a water bottle nearby. My eyes wandered to Camila on the other side of the room with Dinah.
“Oh my God, I’m so sweaty”, she said in disgust and lifted her already way too short crop-top to show the Polynesian the amount of sweat on her stomach. I almost spit out my water when I saw her hand gliding over the tan skin that glistened so perfectly. The hard work we had put in these past few hours showed in the contracted abdominal muscles. I hadn’t noticed how defined they were until now and almost chocked on the fluid in my mouth. She had some serious abs and the way her skin shimmered was not normal. Actually, me checking her out wasn’t normal. You have a fucking boyfriend, Lauren!
I looked up and suddenly saw that Camila had noticed me staring at her. Fuck! She seemed to be smirking which confused me even more. Apparently she wasn’t as uncomfortable around me as I sometimes assumed. Actually, she had been all over me for a while after finding out about Luis.
“Helloooo? Lauren?”
“What?”, I realized that someone was talking to me and made out Normani standing in front of me.
“What planet are you on?”, she laughed but I felt my cheeks flushing. “I’m starving but I don’t want to go eat alone. Do you want to come out with me? These lazy bums are not going to do anything after this. Please, I don’t want to order in again. I’m even ok with sushi if that convinces you.”
“Uhm…ok yeah. Sounds good”, I agreed but suddenly felt something out of left field. Someone was resting their forehead against my shoulder and I looked to my side to see a bunch of brown hair. It was Camila. A very tired Camila apparently. I felt my pulse racing instantly because she was back to interacting with me two days in a row. Still, I felt a little apprehensive because she had busted me looking at her stomach before.
“You know what sound good? A shower and a bed”, Camila mumbled against my arm as I was taken aback by how close she was. Her arms reached around and folded around my shoulders whereas her chin now rested on top of my shoulder. What the hell was going on? I couldn’t deny that it felt good having her in that proximity but it reminded me of how powerless I was when she dominated our interaction.
“Lauren and I are going out for some food. You don’t want to come?”, Normani wanted to make sure.
“I can’t feel my legs and won’t walk for more than I have to”, the youngest explained before Normani left us to ourselves. I was still standing there and trying to be normal by nipping at my water bottle but Camila didn’t move an inch and only used me to hold herself up.
“Are you going to move any time soon or do you want me to carry you to bed?”, I joked lightly because she seemed so comfortable.
“Only if you tuck me in as well”, Camila lifted her eyes and met my gaze.
“What are you, five?”, I kept teasing and admittedly loved everything about this right now.
“Hey, I’m turning seventeen soon”, she pouted.
“True. We’re the same age then again”, I noted and saw her eyes widen.
“You’re right. I haven’t even thought about that. That’s kinda weird.”
“It’s not that weird. I mean, you look different lately, too”, I slipped up and the other girl looked intrigued now.
“Oh really?”, she flashed that smirk again that caused my pulse to go through the roof considering her face was just inches from mine.
“I…don’t know what I’m talking about”, I wanted to deflect.
“No, you obviously do. I’m curios. How do I look different?”, she asked genuinely interested it seemed and I couldn’t tell which idiotic part of my brain caused me to answer but it did.
“Uhm…your facial features have changed, I guess”, I spoke quietly since she was so close and focused on the outline of her face. “They’re more grown-up and feminine. Your cheekbones and jawline are more prominent…”
I made the mistake of locking eyes with her again and the expression in them was completely unreadable to me. She seemed confused or even shocked. The lump in my throat was growing in such a fast pace that I couldn’t continue speaking. Her brown orbs darted frantically between my green ones while they looked more pensive.
“Why would you notice that?”, she barely whispered and truly seemed to ask herself that question. I sure as hell couldn’t answer it because I didn’t know myself. Even if I wanted to, there was no time.
“Lauren!”, Normani screamed in the hallway. “I’m starving, come on!”
Camila was backing off now and walked away without another word. I was even more rattled now than before. Did I say too much? What did she mean about me noticing the changes in her appearance? And why the fuck was I always thinking about Camila and what she possibly thought of me?! It was so frustrating and infuriating at times. I was getting better at not being at her mercy all the time and then she had to be so…flirty? God, I didn’t even know what I should be thinking but I decided to forget about it and go to dinner with Normani.
Sitting in the sushi restaurant, I couldn’t help but think about what had happened before.
“What’s on your mind?”, Normani snapped me back to reality after I was just staring at the tuna roll in front of me.
“Do you…think Camila looks different?”, I asked cautiously because Normani could be the only one I was able to talk to without feeling judged or weird.
“Compared to what?”, the older girl questioned.
“Compared to a year ago?”
“You think?”, Normani scoffed. “It’s hard to ignore when someone gets that hot.”
I was surprised by how casually Normani just blurted that out and didn’t seem flustered at all. Why was I always having such a hard time admitting that Camila was attractive? Obviously I wasn’t the only one who noticed.
“Don’t you ever think it’s weird to say that your friend is hot?”, I kept going but Normani was way more interested in the Japanese food than my suspicious line of questioning.
“No, why would it be weird? It’s not like I’m interested in her like that but it’s normal to notice”, she soothed me without even knowing. “Are you trying to tell me you never thought that one of your girlfriends was hot?”
“No, of course. I mean, look at Alexa that fucking supermodel but with Camila it’s…”
“Different?”, my close friend’s voice softened which fueled my anxiety that I shouldn’t have started that conversation in the first place. Did I really want to go into that ‘camren’ thing right now?
“Kind of”, I admitted and swallowed lightly. “Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve seen her basically grow up in front my very eyes, you know? She was such a child when we met.”
“Didn’t you grow up with Alexa, as well?”, Normani argued and my heart missed a beat. Damn, that’s true. That excuse obviously didn’t work.
“I guess you’re right”, I mumbled. “I…just don’t understand how you and Camila can be so all over each other sometimes but not get confused.”
Oh my God! Have I really just said that?! I inadvertently confessed having been confused on what I felt for Camila, didn’t I? Panic came over me when I saw the darker orbs eyeing me intently.
“That came out wrong”, I instantly wanted to do damage control because I had buried whatever confusion I had felt quite a long time ago.
“No, it’s ok”, my band member said gently. “I don’t want to overstep any boundaries but I think it’s harder for you because of the added scrutiny on you two. Don’t get me wrong, I like to joke around about ‘normila’ but that’s different to what people say about you and Camila-“
“You know what, let’s change the subject”, I cut her off but smiled. “I don’t know why I even brought this up. It was stupid.”
Normani gave me that look like she understood that I was uncomfortable and immediately agreed to talking about something else. The fact that she never forced me to talk about things or got too involved in the ‘camren’ situation just made me trust her even more. Dinah loved putting me on blast for example. The youngest and I had clashed several times because of it even though I never stayed mad at her for her too long. She just didn’t get it, I felt. How difficult it was for me to distance myself from other people’s opinions.
The girl sitting on the other end of the small table got it, though. I smiled gratefully and was once more reminded what a loyal friend she was. Sometimes I was jealous of how close Dinah, Camila and Normani were but not tonight. I definitely didn’t want to think about Camila for one more moment. I didn’t want to think about the flirty comments, the husky voice, the smug smile or the hypnotizing eyes. It was bad enough not being able to escape the hold she had over me when I was around her. I couldn’t let her dictate my thoughts when she wasn’t. That was just causing unnecessary confusion.
We were friends, end of story. Camila playfully flirted with everyone in the group and I had to learn that being the ‘submissive’ one in our dynamic didn’t entail that her flirtation meant anything weird. I was probably just not used to it anymore but I had to change that if I wanted our old friendship back. Loosening up around her was the first step and I made it my secret mission to engage more with her, even publicly if she was willing to continue where we had left off before things got complicated.