Sunday, January 27th 2019 — Nora
I was twenty-four now, and I realized immediately upon waking up on Thursday, after a seriously long night of drinking and shouting music lyrics at the top of my lungs, that my body was no longer in the shape it used to be, I mean...I'm a mother now, Jesus. So, as well as a brutal hangover, my immune system was weaker than ever, and a task as simple as walking down to the small corner market thrust an almost unbearable cold-flu-thing upon me. Fucking lovely. Harry and I had a few conversations back and forth, but after Thursday's bitter phone call, we decided it best to just take a few days and check in with one another through voiceless text messages. Both Wednesday and Thursday, he'd used the same argument. He'd given up a lot for me, Rosie and Peter. Fine, okay? I admitted to him that he was right, but he also chose me and he chose the life we were living. Performing means the world to him, so if he wanted to do it, he shouldn't have sworn himself to the burden of starting a family.
"Give it to me, por favor."
"No...gracias, I'm fine—I'm bueno!" I pitifully argue back with María as she tries to wrestle the vacuum out of my hands. Side note: I failed Spanish.
"You are sick, go be sick! Mi dios, tú chica obstinada! "
"I don't know what that means, María, that's not fair."
"It means you are a stubborn girl! You pay me money, I tell you to go away from the vacuum! Go rest. I'll do this."
"I don't pay you to clean for me!"
"I know, but you are sick and you are family, remember? Family takes care of family, now don't make me push you down, Ms. Nora, don't think I won't!" My nine month old babies are more mature than I am in this singular moment, well, most of my moments, probably. I huff dramatically as I reluctantly hand her the Shark Vacuum, the multi-cleaner that television swears by.
"Fine. But I'm making tea." I trudge over to the stove and fill the kettle with water before turning it on.
"Echinacea is in the drawer."
"What?" I ask her.
"I bought you Echinacea medicinal tea, it is good for your immune system, it will help." I sigh and turn the burner on.
"Thank you for being a million and one times better than I ever could have imagined you to be." She smiles at me.
"It helps that I like you. Even though you curse too much."
"I do kind of. But doesn't that just make me fun...or funny?"
"It makes you...something." We both laugh, but I quickly grab a napkin, knowing that a few sneezes are coming. My eyes are puffy, my nose is raw and my lips are horribly chapped. Poor Harry gets to be welcomed home by one hell of a...something, as María interestingly put it.
"I apologize ahead of time for my attitude as we get further into this tour thing. I mean, it hasn't even been a whole month and I'm already being a brat."
"You get worse, I do a better job. You'll just have to pay me more." She winks at me.
"You have yourself a deal, Esparza." I sneeze again and blow a whole bunch of grossness into the napkin, while she turns the vacuum on. It's loud enough that I don't hear the front door open, nor his footsteps coming down the stairs and stopping a few feet behind me. I pour my tea and stir it before finally turning around. He really does look exhausted and I feel terrible for him and for, most likely, being half the cause. María turns the vacuum off.
"Hello Mr. Harry!" He smiles warmly at her.
"Hi María...it's very nice to see you."
"You as well. Long week?"
"Long month. Everything okay?"
"Everything is fine. I'll be vacuuming upstairs now."
"Thank you so much." She carries the machine up to the second floor and I can hear it faintly. "Hi." I lean against the counter.
"Hi."
"You're very sick, aren't you?"
"Am I that ugly?" He rolls his eyes and puts the paper bag down.
"You told me you had a bit of a cold, Nora. This is not a bit of a cold, you're bloody ill."
"Yeah, I feel as shitty as I look."
"You don't look shitty."
"I think we're past the lying part of our relationship, wouldn't you agree?"
"You look fine." He reaches back for the bag and opens it. "And I thought the same thing, but just in case, I brought some cold and flu medicine." I close my eyes.
"This is not going to be easy, is it?" I know he knows that I'm referring to the tour.
"No, it's not. We're going to have to find some common ground."
"I feel like...I'm taking this from you. This tour...the experience. You should be going on a year long tour, you love that part of the job, you've told me yourself. You worked so hard on this album and now I feel like you're getting screwed, because of me."
"Nora, I chose you—"
"Did you ever think that maybe, you chose wrong?" He steps away from me and leans on the other counter.
"I don't regret my choice. We have a family...two children upstairs, who I cannot wait to snuggle, by the way. Coming home to you...it's what I want, it is."
"But a part of you wishes you were getting the full tour experience."
"Maybe, yeah. But that doesn't mean that I love you or want you any less. I love what I do, I love my job. I really fucking love my job, Nora. But I've said it before, I'll say it again. I love you more, and our two perfect babies more." A short silence falls over us and I grab my tea and blow on it before taking a small sip.
"You forgot our two year anniversary and then you were kind of mean about it—yeah, maybe I was drunk when we talked on Wednesday, but it doesn't mean your word choice didn't hurt. It did." He stares at me. "And I know it's not a fucking big deal, I know. It was stupid and I may have overreacted, but I think...you've spoiled me so much with who you are. Our entire relationship and pre-relationship, you've spoiled me with the romantic—overly romantic things that you do. I mean, for fuck's sake, the candles in my hotel room one day after we had sex for the first time...you've always been so thoughtful and...I guess, I hoped you'd be thoughtful about this. All I got from you was a too busy, love you text. That's all I got, Harry."
"I really fucked up, I know that I did, but you pulled that shit in front of your friends. That's our business, no one else's. I was exhausted and I was pissed about the day that I'd had and the last thing that I needed was to hear your drunken, public complaints about me forgetting our anniversary. So, yeah. I lashed out a bit, and I'm sorry for that."
"I'm sorry for being drunk and public about it." He steps forward and takes me in his arms. His hand keeps my head pressed securely against his chest and I breathe him in and cling to the back of his coat.
"I love you so much. And I do not regret you, or our family or our home. I never will, I swear it." We both let go of each other. "When I'm gone though, Nora...you have to let me be gone. You can't get your feelings hurt if I'm not available to you one-hundred percent of the time. You have to understand that when I'm on the road, I have to give it my all. That's something that I promised Jeffrey when he agreed to this every other week thing. The tour has to be my main focus when I'm not here, it's just that simple."
"Fine, I get it."
"I feel like you're being snippy about it."
"I just..." I choose to try and avoid getting back into it with him. "No, I'm not. I'm fine, really." He knows I'm not, but I think he's too tired to fight, or keep going.
"M'gonna go see Rose and Pete." His hand drops my hand as he backs away. "Take the cold and flu medicine, please? I really can't afford to get sick right now." Speaking of cold. I do as he says once he disappears upstairs. I swallow down the orange pills and then I gulp a whole lot of tea, aiming to refill once before following him up to the nursery. A couple of minutes after, when I do walk in, he's standing there, holding both of them in his arms. He's smiling and they're smiling and he's rocking them up and down softly. I make sure the surgical mask is fully over my nose and mouth, the last thing I need is for them to catch whatever I have. I sit down in one of the chairs and marvel at his behind.
"I feel like when you're gone, they grow twice as fast."
"I think so too."
"We miss you so much." He sighs.
"Believe me, I miss the three of you as well." I feel so uncomfortable, the riff between us is heavy in the air and I just want to be done with it. I want this to be over and I want to take the last week back. I stand up and walk out of the room, unable to stand it. I go down to the living room and sit down on the couch. As I turn the television on, María sits down beside me.
"What is wrong?"
"I'm sad, María. He's being...he's being so cold."
"He is tired, remember."
"I've seen his tired, this isn't it."
"May I speak candidly?"
"Please."
"Since I start work here, I've seen so much love between you two, and the love you both have for your children. That is not common, especially for people with money. You and Mr. Harry are in love with each other, and I see that so clearly."
"Why is he being like this?"
"He's on the defense because you are on the defense. You are both ready to fight, and sometimes, fighting is better than not saying anything at all. The family I worked for before, they were like that. Instead of fighting, they just...ignored each other. And I felt no love in that home. My husband and I, we fought like cats and dogs, but it was because we loved each other and we were passionate about each other. You and Mr. Harry, you are passionate for one another. So, sometimes, fighting is good and it is healthy."
"I think he's too tired to fight with me."
"Maybe. But...don't lie to him, tell him how you feel and he will do the same." As she walked away, I smiled to myself.
"You're like an El Salvadorian Dr. Phil, did you know that?" She laughs.
"Oh, chica, I'm better than Dr. Phil." Harry doesn't come down for another half hour, so I watch Always Sunny and sniffle and blow my nose the whole time. Harry walks down in sweats and a t-shirt, no more jeans and his favorite sweater. He runs a hand through his hair and he sits next to me.
"They sleep a lot, huh?" I chuckle.
"That's all they do, sometimes I sit them in their highchairs and like, fucking beg them to do something worth videoing. They don't."
"They're going to be good kids."
"Mhm." I hum, "I think so too." Another silence fell over us. "Why did you propose to me when you knew that your entire career was in front of you?"
"Nora..."
"I want to know." He shrugs and rubs his face.
"I wanted to prove that I could do it. That I could handle both parts of my life."
"Are you serious?" I hiss, turning to him. "So, we're just, what? Fucking pawns in this game of yours?"
"Don't do that."
"You just said to me, flat out, that you wanted to prove something. This isn't a fucking game, Harry. This is a life that you started! You made promises to me when you knew about the tour and people had told you that starting a family was a bad idea, so why the fuck did you do it? Then you turn around and tell me that I have to understand that your career comes first when you're on the road? We are not a means for rebellion or whatever the fuck it is that you're trying to do here. We are your family, I am your fiancée. You've made promises to me and I'm so angry because looking back, I see it. You did this to spite the people who told you that you couldn't and I am not okay with that."
"I didn't mean it like that, Nora."
"How is this going to work? We're not even a full month in yet and we're fighting about it."
"You're fighting with me about it, I'm not fighting with you."
"I'm trying to have a discussion with you, I'm trying to talk to you!"
"And I'm fucking listening, Nora! I'm listening, Jesus Christ!"
"You know what? Fuck it. Go spend every fucking week on tour, do whatever you fucking want, Harry. I have things under control here, I don't need you. We don't need you."
"Please, stop, Nora..." He grabs my hand as I try to stand up.
"Let go."
"Then sit back down."
"Let go of my hand."
"Are you going to sit down?"
"No, I'm going upstairs. I don't feel good and my sinuses are fucking filled up and I just want to lay down away from you." I begin to cry and he finally lets his hand drop. "I miss my mom, so much...and you made promises to me about our life and about your feelings for me—"
"My feelings for you haven't changed! You are still the love of my life, you are still everything to me, Nora, why would you think that you're not?"
"Because I see you right now and it feels like being here is a chore for you. I feel like you're annoyed and you came home that way...you haven't even kissed me..."
"I haven't kissed you because I can't get sick. I can't afford to get sick. You're a bloody lunatic if you think I don't want to kiss you."
"I'm going upstairs and I'm going to cry, so please don't follow me. I'm asking you seriously to just stay away, please." I tighten my robe ties and shiver as I pad up the steps and close the door to our bedroom.