Forgiveness has a weightlessness to it - a lightness that doesn't weigh me down, it makes me able to concentrate on the heavier things in my life. The more important things, like today, I can focus on today instead of yesterday because yesterday is over and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing can change yesterday, but today..... today I can change. One thought and action at a time. I decide to shed those weights with conscious thought. It's all about my choices and how I move forward. It's liberating letting go of the past.
I've learned from it and avoid making the same choices again.
The chains of guilt, of blame, of discontent, of anger, of fear, that so heavily held my shoulders down and bent my soul crooked and fouled it with its putrid stench are removing themselves one by one until I feel like I'm living again.....like I'm breathing again.
It wasn't easy I had to commit every day to move forward, to not let those hissing thoughts overtake me, fight against their constrictive grip that doesn't allow me to truly live how I should be living.
I'm not sure how it all happened, how slowly each chain started removing themselves. Dropping away leaving me lighter, happier than yesterday, a light has started to push away the darkness away from my heart.
The feel of my growing belly makes me smile contently, the tiny little kicks that I can now feel telling me I really do have a Future inside me.
I like looking at myself in the mirror seeing how every day my body is changing, growing with a Future inside.
Before I couldn't get past the horror of my flesh, always those scars were at the forefront that I could not get past. When I look at myself now I still see every line, every raised pink mark showing me my past but it's in the background, now all I can see in the mirror is my growing Future that is growing strong with life.
Those lines and marks are a present memory that taught me about the choices I make and about a Future I want.
Grey stands behind me as I smooth out my shirt over my belly, turning sideways examining the changes from yesterday. I grab his hand placing it where the tiny little foot is trying to kick out my flesh.
His hand is warm and the little life inside is drawn to it, the kicks increase tenfold whenever he does this. His lips touch my neck, briefly grazing my mark causing a flush to spread on the surface of my skin.
"He's getting stronger," he says with such a true smile on his face that my heart has no choice but to smile back at him.
Eyeing him in the new light I'm seeing him in, letting my gaze fall on him longer and longer. I like to look at him when I think he's busy doing something else but he always knows when I'm watching. He'll turn around and give me a smirk or he'll just stop what he's doing and walk over to me and places a deep kiss on my lips. One that has my hands tangled in his hair. My legs wrapping around his waist. The kind of kiss that begs for more, begs for body contact, begs for him to have me.
Skin on skin.
He always stops, never giving me more than a kiss, he was serious when he said that after my heat we would become friends first and it would be up to me to go further. He never tried to push more than what I want. I know he wants more, needs more from me but he's not rushing this and I'm thankful for that.
I'm constantly sick with the rising and falling hormones in my system. I'm in bliss when he's around me, my own personnel whiskey that gets me intoxicated with just the thought of him.
He looks nice in a pair of dark grey suit pants with a white crisp shirt. The top two buttons undone on his shirt has a hint....just a hint of his firm chest underneath. My compulsions want to unbutton the rest of his buttons and I look at him seeking permission.
"We'll be late," it's the huskiness in that voice of his that has my fingers going for his third button undoing it.
"You're the Alpha, they can wait." Standing on tiptoes kissing his mouth, pulling his bottom lip into mine.
I undo another button, then another slipping my hands in, feeling his hot skin underneath my palms. His layering of skin quiver, and shifts slightly from my touch.
He returns my kiss greedily, pulling back from me he pulls the rest of his shirt off so I have access to all the flesh I want.
Feasting of the flesh.
Picking me up I wrap my legs around his waist as he walks us over to the bed. Gently he lays down with me on top of him. Tracing his features, there is a soft intake of breath from him, while his eyes close.
Bringing myself closer to him, putting my hands on either side of his face squeezing slightly. He's just too good looking and it drives me crazy. He laughs at me, grabbing my hands, he entwines our fingers.
A flash of silver peeks out of his eyes, a flushing heat spreading, causing my lust to permeate the air. I watch him inhaling through his nose taking my scent into him. Another flash of silver has my golden eyes showing through.
"What do you want?" he says it in a hopefully whisper.
"I want you." His mouth reaches for mine. Feeling his tongue swiping across my lips I open them for him, giving him access that he so desperately wants.
The feel of his fingers on my hips, he traces up along my ribcage.
"Everyone is waiting for us," his voice pressing into my mouth.
Groaning, "this isn't finished," whispering my promise to him as I get off, smoothing out the fabric of my shirt, fixing my hair and taking in calming breaths.
Watching Grey go into the closet grabbing another shirt and throwing it on casually, I cannot get enough of the visual of him.
Taking my hand in his he leads me downstairs into the living room where it's crowded with pack females.
A hush descends over them as their Alpha enters the room, all give a quick bow of their heads in respect.
He doesn't smile at them just nods, his smiles are for my eyes only.
He bends his head, cheek pressing against cheek, "I'll be back soon." His fingers brush over my belly before he leaves me alone with my females.
Sophie is the first to approach, her belly now just showing for everyone to see, mine still just looks bloated. Embracing me the Old Way, the proper way.
Cheek to cheek our scents mixing.
Hugging her to me as she returns it with the pleasure of acceptance.
Each and every female here has our cheeks pressed against the other until everyone is acknowledged and made to feel they belong here with me. I can smell the bonding of us, the distinct female scent that saturates the room with goodness and love.
Taking my place in the center of the room, noticing the pregnant smells here and there and I'm smiling with happiness for our Future of the pack.
It was my idea to start getting together with the females of the pack once a week to share a meal and some laughs. It started out for me as a way to try and bond with them, to get to know them better, to make a connection with them.
Some of them are turning out to be my greatest friends and allies, my heart is filled with so much joy my eyes start to weep it out.
Wiping my eyes with my sleeve Sophie has her hand on my shoulder, "is everything okay?"
"I'm just emotional that's all," brushing her comment aside,
"How are they doing?" That earns me a smile, the healer yesterday told her she would have two.
"Good, but they don't stop moving ever. Thomas has threatened to stop sleeping in bed with me because I keep him up all night because they keep me up."
Laughing at that thought, as if he would sleep anywhere else then with her. She starts to laugh too with the absurdity of it. I'm coming to love this female fiercely like my own blood.
The afternoon flows smoothly as my Northerner comes for me, entangling his hand with mine I say my goodbyes as he gives them his nod. Leading me away, my stomach flips with the anticipation of what I want to do.
As soon as the door to the bedroom clicks closed he's on me, swooping me up in his arms he kisses me, and I let him.
We start up what was unfinished earlier, his shirt comes off and so does mine. Both our bodies are humming with pleasure, our guards are down as our minds can touch each other.
He's growling deep in his chest as I undo his button on his pants, sliding the zipper down letting the material bunch at his feet. Stepping out of them I eye his body without shame. His fingers pull my bottoms off helping me step out of my clothing.
He leads us to the bed, my back is eased gently down on the bed, looking into his eyes and all I see is his love for me, it's raw and unfiltered.
"I love you, Grey," kissing him with my soul's fire for him. I give him my soul freely without any barriers or chains holding it down.
It's mine to give and his to take.
The next morning has the phone ringing, Grey annoyed to be getting a call so early. It's his brother Finian, the Alpha of the West and East. I can hear his voice that sounds so much like Grey's through the phone.
"Mom's been attacked, you need to come to the Western pack." Grey jumps out of bed, getting dressed quickly while asking for details from his brother, Fin.
"Meela, get dressed we have to go. Can you tell Thomas and Sophie, I have to make some arrangements before we go." It's a quick rush to his brother's room before we are all in one vehicle racing to Fin's territory.