I wasn't as surprised about the bi thing as I was by how nonchalant he was when telling me. Because, yes, it was clear he liked girls and Lexi had already told me all about what a promiscuous playboy he was. But, like I said, he flirted with everyone and he was way too okay with asking me questions about gay sex.
For Jay who was younger and had zero experience with guys, I took on the role of a
mentor, escorting him to different gay clubs, explaining our lingo and what not to say before he
had his first hookup.
Jay told me he and the guy hadn't gone all the way. After that, he didn't mention going to any gay clubs again, so I assumed the experience had made him reluctant to continue his exploration. Maybe he'd realized he wasn't bi or at least not into the sex. Still, we hung out at regular bars and sometimes met up for lunch to gush about Supernatural. Jay's carefree and upbeat personality was refreshing. My increasing confidence and sassiness along with his cockiness and wit made us an impactful duo.
As my second year started, Jay entered the same university . This year, my roommate was Tim, the awkward golden-haired boy I'd switched roommates with the year before. Apparently, Oladapo had moved into another dorm to room with a friend who, get this, was bisexual. I guessed it was possible for some people to have a change of heart. Tim didn't mind me having friends over, as long as I promised to never do any "gay stuff where he could see." I took the fact that he specified "gay" stuff as a sign that he wasn't totally accepting of homosexuality like he'd once claimed.
One afternoon, Jay sat at my dorm room desk and brought up his forgotten bi-exploration. "
"Like, the world is going to shit, you know? Marathons are being bombed. Floods and
explosions. Our mayor is a coke addict. Who knows when we're going to die. I've got to have
gay sex before then."
Jay was so sex-obsessed that I couldn't tell whether he was actually being serious or
trying out dark humor.
"Well, do you want to do it with me?" I asked. I'd never been friends-with-benefits with anyone before. But Jay wanted to try it and it's not like I was saving myself for someone special; I'd had hookups. And Jay was attractive. So, I figured just once would be fine.
After a moment of thinking, Jay agreed. Tim walked into the room immediately after, saying, "No gay sex in the room."
"No straight sex in the room," I challenged back, raising an eyebrow.
"What?"
"This street goes both ways, dear." We gave each other hard looks.
"Wow," Jay remarked, looking between us. "The sexual tension is killing me."
Tim grumbled something, grabbed some books off his desk, then left, slamming the door. I gave his afterimage the finger. "Okay, well, my roommate doesn't allow gay sex in the room and you live with your parents, so we're going to have to get a hotel room. Let's split the cost."
"Sure. And this is a one-time thing."
"One time."
"Then let's do it."
I wasn't even thinking about boyfriends anymore. If fate wanted me to be a slut forever, so be it. How did I take a such a huge step back after finally moving forward? It's simple.
A bit before Jay and I made our agreement, I'd gone home for Thanksgiving. The Thanksgiving and Christmas of my first year and the Summer after it, neither the name "Liam" or even "Santos" came from my mom's lips. By this point, it was like he didn't even exist anymore. I was over him.
But my dear, sweet tía tended to forget about tact when she had some gossip. I was chopping up vegetables and my mother was at the stove when my tia sped in with groceries then dropped them onto the floor carelessly. "Alex, put the groceries away," she ordered. As I did what I was told, she stood close to my mom and began speaking to her in Spanish. "¿Adivina qué? Liam llegó para celebrar Acción de Gracias y se trajo a su jeva de la uni."
My skills in understanding were far better than my skills in speaking, and my aunt spoke so quickly that I couldn't make out everything, but I'd understood enough. The bag of peppers slid out of my fingers as I was pretty sure she'd just said that Liam had brought his girlfriend from university to visit for Thanksgiving. I was shocked that Liam was in a relationship serious enough to bring her to meet his family during Thanksgiving.
My tía lowered her voice and as I tried to look unaffected and picked up the bag, I caught the end of her sentence when her volume increased again: "...embarazada. ¿No crees tú?"
The bag of peppers I'd just picked up fell onto the floor again, the vegetables rolling across the wood. Liam's girlfriend was possibly pregnant?!
"Rosa!" my mom hissed, quieting her sister.
"I'm going to the bathroom," I announced before escaping the room, leaving the groceries on the floor.
I closed the bathroom door behind me and pulled out my phone, opening Facebook. After searching Liam's name, I found his page. Most of it was private, but the picture was clear. Liam's arm was wrapped around the shoulders of a dark-haired, brown-skinned girl who was probably Latina. She had full lips and was annoyingly pretty.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I muttered as I scrolled through the page, trying to find out whether she was actually pregnant. I went to her page but it was private. "Fuck!"
Pausing, I wondered, why was I upset? I shouldn't be bothered. Liam was the past. It was great if he was happy and a fucking future dad―the fuck? That was so unlike Liam. The Liam I knew up until grade 9 and had heard about through high school was not irresponsible enough to get some girl pregnant. But if he did by some accident, he was the type to marry her. Was he going to marry her?
Despite how cute Liam was, from my knowledge, he'd only had one girlfriend in high school―a skinny blonde girl who seemed incredibly boring. If I recalled correctly, Malcolm had said they started dating around the time Liam punched that guy and they'd broken up not long before I'd ended things with Reed. It was a short relationship. Who knew how long Liam had been dating this girl. Was he so in love that he was already ready to marry and start a family with her?
There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Alex?" my mother called. "Is everything alright?"
I flung the door open and pasted on a smile. "Mhm, Mom. I'm fine."
But, if I'd been fine, I wouldn't have gone back to school and slept with Jay. It was a huge mistake. It was the best sex I'd ever had and I could not look at him in the same Just-Friends way anymore. It was practically Liam all over again. Don't get me wrong―I did not want to date Jay. He was not boyfriend material and I'd already made up my mind that the next guy I dated would be top-notch. However, he was way too skilled in bed. So, no, I had not fallen for Jay. Frankly, I'd fallen for Jay's dick.
I sobbed myself ugly all weekend and ended up with a cold. Tim placed cold medicine on my pillow which was scarily kind of him. And then Jay called saying he wanted to talk. I freshened myself up as best as I could, trying to appear perfectly normal when I met him outside the dorms.
We sat on the benches at the side of the building and I forced a smile as I asked, "What's got your boxers in a bunch?"
I was not prepared for what he told me. Jay was in love. He didn't use those words, but it was clear he was very into this guy. This straight guy. It was cute that Jay liked someone, but a straight guy was dangerous. I wanted him to know, so, as painful as it was to revisit, I told him the story of Liam and me.
"I think you should give up, Jay. Before you get hurt." Jay nodded slowly and I was glad it seemed like I'd be able to save him from the pain I'd experienced. "I know there's a straight or bi girl, or a gay or bi guy, out there just for you." I squeezed his arm with my own. "So give up on this one."
For a little while, it seemed like Jay had listened. Then it became clear that no, he was thick-headed as fuck.
'His name is Elias and there is nothing to give up. I don't like him,' Jay texted me one evening while he was with that guy.
The next morning, Jay texted me, 'Fuck. Okay, I probably like him. This is bad.'
Finally, Jay was listening. He hadn't spoken to or met up with the guy in weeks. And then, the man called. Jay and I were sitting in the dorm lounge talking to friends when I saw the name Elias on the screen. I pulled Jay out of the room and told him to put it on speaker. Elias wanted Jay to come help him with his work. I rolled my eyes as I listened to Jay give half-assed excuses that Elias was clearly seeing through. At the first sign of Jay giving in, I snatched the phone and shut the man down.
"Jay's being a wimp, but what he's trying to say is that he won't see you anymore."
"Really?"
His skeptical questioning pissed me off. He was reminding me of Vic. Egotistical and manipulative. "Yes, so stop contacting him."
Jay moved towards me. "I'm the one who contacts him."
"Then why is he calling you right now?" I knew the answer. His toy had run away and he wanted it back.
"I don't know!"
The man spoke, "Well, tell Jay that if he really plans on not contacting me, he should come tell me to my face."
I scoffed, astounded at this guy's manipulation. "Stop manipulating him. He's not coming and he's not talking to you anymore. Goodbye." I ended the call with a satisfied look. I would have liked to delete his number but Jay claimed he needed it because their best friends were dating or some crap. So I changed his name to "DO NOT CALL STRAIGHT GUY!" He had never said he was straight, but Jay and I were both certain he was because he'd dated girls and had never mentioned anything about guys, even when their best friends, two guys, were dating. Jay had come out and this man didn't even live with his parents; there should be nothing stopping him from saying he wasn't straight if he wasn't straight.
"I... have to... go home..." Jay muttered.
"Are you seriously lying to my face?" I said, shaking my head. "You are not going to go see him, Jay. Listen to me." I took hold of his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "He is straight. He is not going to return your feelings. I will not let you get your heart broken." I linked my arm with his and told him, "It's for the best."
Jay nodded.
***
But thickheaded people never change. When Jay wasn't thinking about that guy, he was thinking about sex. And so, because I was also a thickheaded idiot, I asked Jay if he wanted to be friends with benefits. And because Jay's head was five-fucking-feet thicker, he agreed.
I'd learned from tía that Liam's girlfriend was not pregnant. It had just been speculation on her part and turns out she'd been wrong. If she'd seen the girl in person, though, she would be been able to tell from just a look, blah blah.
I tried to ignore the fact that I felt a little better knowing Liam wasn't headed for parenthood or marriage. But his girlfriend was still lingering in my mind, so I guess I was weak too. I posted a bunch of selfies with Jay on Facebook and made my profile public so that anyone could see how much fun I was having and how close I was to this attractive guy. It wasn't until Christmas break, when we arrived in Ottawa at my uncle's house, that I realized how big of a mistake my petty insecurity was.