Janet
"Okay, look this way, let me check your makeup again," Preston stood in front of my chair with a brush, while Janet was behind me fixing my hair.
It was almost time for me to go on stage for my very first show back in Manchester. I was excited beyond measure; the crowd was already getting rowdy and I could hear them from my dressing room. It was time.
"Alright, you're all set, honey," Preston looked at me through the mirror. "Go get it."
"Thank you." I smiled.
I met with the dancers to pray, and before I knew it, it was time to hit the stage. The adrenaline was all through my body as the energetic introduction sequence got everyone on their feet, screaming my name. But as much as I loved the crowd, and this music, and this dancing, I couldn't help but to gaze out into that front row and search for her. I knew she was thousands of miles away, across oceans, but it was this very show that introduced me to the best times of my life. So I had to.
It wasn't so much disappointing to come up short in seeing her eyes light up and dance with the vibrant spotlights, because I knew where she was, but it was a sort of sentimental value that I would always hold to a stage, this music, and this crew. It was okay. One show closer to being back with her.
The performance was over, and as I stepped backstage to catch my breath, something else caught my eye, standing next to the door of my dressing room, seeming to be waiting for someone.
Wissam.
My stomach tied itself up into complete knots as our eyes locked. How did he get back here? Soon my gaze was fixed to the lanyard around his neck, and then it occurred to me that we had left so many things unfinished. I wasn't afraid of him anymore. Not with all these people around.
"Hey, stranger." He waved at me and cleared his throat. I took the monitors out of my ears slowly, just looking at him.
"How.... how did you get back here?"
"Hey," he shrugged, holding up hid lanyard. "I'm just a fan."
I took a deep breath. "Is there an issue?" Joey whispered behind me, sending a dirty look at Wissam.
"N-no, thank you, okay, Wissam. Why are you here?" I went into my room and he followed close behind me, making sure to leave my door ajar, but not completely open. It was a small, yet responsible gesture that I appreciated. I started to take my jewelry off first and lay it on the vanity, looking at my sweaty, fatigued face through the mirror.
"Janet, you and I both know the way this ended wasn't exactly, um, ideal, to say the least."
"Who's fault was that, honey?" I cut in immediately.
"Okay, can we not do this, I'm trying to-"
"No, really, Wissam. Think about what really happened that afternoon. Who was hostile? Who choked who against a wall? Who threatened to murder who? So don't gloss over that part. This is all your fault." My tone remained calm and collected, because I felt we did need to talk in a productive manner, but I was just so thrown off guard to be having the conversation right now in the first place.
"See, you can keep throwing that in my face, and I'll apologize for hurting you a million times over, but how long did you think it would be before I found out you and Toni were seeing each other? And how crazily ironic was it that so shortly after I went away, here you were, on every magazine, looking at her the way I swore you used to look at me."
I looked at him through the mirror, and he was staring at his shoes, playing with the zipper on his jacket. I don't know why I ever thought he'd just never find out. That I'd never have to face him again.
"Wissam, I-"
"Why couldn't you just tell me, Janet? Tell me that you weren't happy? Okay, so I was selfish, I was rude, insensitive, but one thing that I was not, ever, was unfaithful to you." His voice was low and eery.
"I'm sorry." My breathing was shallow as guilt coursed my veins.
"You know, that afternoon, when I left you there, I kept wondering, why now? I mean, what about me today, what about me coming home from out of town in the first place, made you so distant? We'd done this a hundred times before so, what this time--what did I do? Why weren't we getting along anymore?" His voice began to quiver. He was going to cry. Then so was I. "I could hear her, I could feel her, all over you. Over the phone, even when I was still gone, you just didn't sound the same."
I sniffled, but refused to face him.
"You--you sounded happier, actually."
With every word, I felt myself break. I was insane to think I could blame this entire thing on him. He was only human.
"You sounded so much happier, and for the life of me, because I loved you so much, and I still do, I couldn't figure out why, all of a sudden, this wasn't enough. And I trusted you to tell me if you weren't happy, I trusted that we would fix whatever it was we had just broken. Then you would push me so far away, I had to push back, and claw, and fight my way to get at arms reach. But she was already there, so it was like, even if I'd ever gotten close enough to touch you, there was no room left for me anyway. We would argue, and you would run to her without a second thought, and it made me hurt so much. So bad."
"So I'm sorry, I was selfish, and I'm sorry I was mean and all of those things, but you can never say I didn't love you, and only you, and you can never say I wasn't loyal. As much as you don't want to believe it, you weren't perfect either, but the thing that hurts me the most is that you really tried to blame all of this, this whole falling apart, on me, and not on the fact that another woman was pulling you away and making it so much harder for me, for us."
"I guess I just--I didn't know how to say it, okay? I didn't know how to tell my boyfriend that I was seeing another woman." I wiped my eyes.
"You're in love with her."
"What?"
"It was more than sex, more than a one-night-stand. You weren't just seeing her. You love her, Janet. It was an emotional infidelity. And I guess that's okay, I mean you--you couldn't help that. I just wasn't for you anymore, but for God's sake, don't make it seem like you were the only victim, okay? Please? I just need you to understand that I'm not completely responsible, and you can't tell me that you don't think you are the least bit at fault."
Finally, I turned around and looked at him. I got a good, long look at the person I could have sworn I was going to spend my life with. His eyes were bloodshot and glossy, his face pleading, no longer angry, and it made me want to collapse on the floor to sob with everything I had in me. He was right. I started it. It was my fault. And once I decided I was over him, I thought I could leave without a drop of blood on my gloves. I, of all people, should have known it would never work. I was careless and eager to be with her, excited for something new, and I abandoned him like a lost dog with no real explanation. He deserved a reason, above anything else. He deserved my truth.
I'd realized how much being with Toni had changed me altogether, and I could have sworn that it was for the better, but I was blinded with infatuation. I had no idea what I was really getting myself into, or the person I'd turned into. I had absolutely no judgement. She distracted me from things that I would hate to face within myself alone, and for that, I thought she'd fixed me. But all she did was cover problems up with a sheet. And it wasn't her job to fix me anyway, it was mine.
So he was right. And I was wrong. Extremely wrong.
"You're right, Wissam." I took a seat on the couch, suddenly so tired of standing. "I loved her. I still do. You deserved to know that sooner. I tried to hide it, but God knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, so, yeah. You're right. And I'm sorry for thinking I could put it all on you, that was extremely selfish and stupid, okay? I don't know what I was thinking."
"I know." He chuckled. I looked at him, and he was shaking his head.
"What is so funny?"
"Who did you think you were trying to fool, Janet? I mean honestly, it was me. You're acting the same way you did when we first got together. I know you. You're transparent to me. I just wanted you to admit it for yourself. I wanted you to have that understanding. I figured that maybe all of that guilt of sneaking around would get the best of you some day, you know? I didn't want to accuse you. But you never... you never did want to set the record straight, huh? If I hadn't come here tonight, you would have just lived your life, thinking you were innocent or something?"
"I--"
"Be honest, there's nothing else you could possibly hide from me anymore. It's all out there now."
"I guess so, Wissam. I was going to be happily ever after with her, and not give a second thought to you."
"I know. And that's what scares me."
"Why?"
"That's not the Janet I know. She's honest, and has a conscience as loud as a siren, and she wants a clean record all the time. So it's crazy to me that not only did you lie to me, you didn't care to make it right, or give me any kind of consolation, no benefit of the doubt. And that's not you. You and I both know that."
Someone knocked on the door. "Janet, we're leaving in 20," Gil said through the door.
"Okay, thank you." I stood up and took off my jacket. For some reason, I felt extremely comfortable around him tonight, and didn't mind to undress in front of him. It wasn't a sexual thing either. He just knew too much about me, and my body was only the surface. I had no insecurities that he wasn't already completely aware of. I really couldn't hide from him anymore.
"I'll leave you to get dressed, but something still feels so unfinished to me. I thought I could come here and put this all to rest, but-"
"I know, so meet me at the Savoy, in the bar, at midnight." I didn't even look at him, rather, just continued to get dressed. This didn't require a lot of meaningful eye contact. We just had to finish it. And then I could actually live my life with a clear mind, with Toni. It never quite occurred to me that he was still a thought in some tucked-away corner of my mind. He just came here and brought up so many emotions and demons.
"Okay."
And he left me without another word.
Toni
"Toni Michele, baby, I'm home," I heard her voice ringing clear as a bell in the hallway, nearing her room, our room, with every step.
"Jan?" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It was only 5 in the morning. Once they finally focused, I was faced with a woman I somehow thought I'd never see again. She was thinner from all the dancing, and she'd changed her hair and put in long, jet-black extensions, but still just as appealing, and all I wanted to do was hold her and never let go. It had been way too long.
Her smile grew as she saw me in her bed. I tried to run to her, but I couldn't. I was glued there. She came to me instead, squeezing me tightly as soft sobs escaped her throat. She was here.
"Baby..." I began, but that's all I could get out. I wanted to say so much to her. She crawled on top of me and forced my lips onto hers without another word, her arms constricting my body, but I wanted more still. The taste of her is what brought tears to my eyes. The one thing I couldn't have, but wanted the most. "I missed you so much, Janet Jackson." I told her over and over again, just wanting to feel every part of her at once. She wiped my tears away and I did the same to her. It was just so overwhelming.
"I missed you more, Toni Michele."
That same damn dream, every night, and I would wake up at the same time, every morning, just as I could have sworn I felt her hand graze my breast. It was 9:30, and I had rehearsal from noon to five. Mentally, physically, emotionally, I was exhausted. Touring right now would actually be a break; at least things would be confirmed and ready, at least it would take my mind off Janet. Every night, my head would fly in circles with past memories of us together, like I was flipping through some kind of scrap book. It was the same experiences. Our first night making love. Going to the beach. Dancing on the rooftop of an exclusive club. Sitting in bed all day, talking and crying together.
One thing that sucked about this relationship was that on top of being my lover, she was my best friend. That meant two voids opening within me. Our phone schedule was already becoming so out of whack once life got crazy for both of us and things weren't lining up as well as we thought. I couldn't even hear her voice.
And I was worried so much about my mother, sometimes I'd feel a little guilt for daydreaming of her for too long. I was still completely determined to figure out which one of my sisters snitched about it, because they were gonna get it. It created so many problems for me, for Mommy while she was trying to recover with minimal stress, it was just unnecessary to bring it up now. I would at least wait until she was strong enough to hit me upside the head for not telling her sooner, otherwise I felt I was taking advantage of her recovering state.
The first thing I did after getting dressed was call Janet. It was only about midnight where she was, and I knew how she loved to stay up, especially since she had a show that probably ended only a couple hours before. She promised she would call me after every concert, but I didn't blame her for it slipping her mind sometime. It was a lot of fast parts moving in different directions.
There was no answer, which was definitely unlike her, but for some reason I couldn't be upset. I understood her lifestyle better than anyone else. Next I called up Towanda to see if anyone had checked in on Mommy. She was in town only for a few more days.
"No, I mean, not me and Tamar. Can you go see her?" She asked me.
"Yeah, for a little while, listen... did you happen to mention anything to Mommy about Janet and I?"
The line went silent. "Towanda," I repeated.
"I did not, no..." she didn't seemed to convinced of her own answer, but I knew she was never one to lie, and especially not to me. She just had a way of sneaking around the truth.
"Okay, well, do you know how did?"
"Toni, I gotta go," she rushed.
"Wait--"
"I'll call you back later, okay? Promise. Bye."
Soon after, Towanda hung up the phone. She knew something and wasn't telling me. Everyone knew she was the treasurer of secrets and gossip, and she would keep her mouth shut until death unless ordered to do otherwise. I shouldn't have called her. With that being said, I knew she wouldn't have been the one to tell Mommy in the first place, so she was officially off my radar.
For once I was able to get to rehearsal on time, even before Face, and while waiting for everyone to show up, I started to fool around on the piano. I was instantly reminded of the time Janet stayed at my house, and I tried to teach her a song, yet for some reason, she couldn't pick it up no matter how many times I tried to show her how. The whole ordeal made her extremely frustrated, and she ended up laying me down on top of the piano instead. Looking back on it made me laugh.
"What are you smiling about?" Face asked me, sitting next to me on the bench. It startled me.
"Nothing," I shook my head, getting embarrassed. "Something that happened a while ago."
"You ready to get started?"
"Yeah." I got up and took my place for the beginning of the show. We had run this routine forwards and backwards for months now, but every day, something would be off. Something different each time.
Many times it was me who was the one making the mistakes. But today, I just wasn't in the mood to stay here all night. There was too much on my mind, and all of the frustration made it hard for me to tolerate so many people around. I wanted to be alone.
So we'd accomplished everything we were supposed to do before 5, and decided we could call it quits early. As I was packing my stuff, Face came up to me and asked me what's wrong.
"You didn't screw up, what's gotten into you?" He joked.
"There's a lot going on. Somebody snitched to my mother about Janet and I, and she was not happy about it. I'm afraid it's just gonna put more stress on her and make it harder for her to get better."
"Somebody as in...."
"One of my sisters, I'm sure. It's just a matter of narrowing it down, I guess. It's not like she was surfing the internet and found it."
"I mean, you guys are pretty famous, and she's your mother. She's got other ways, I'm sure."
"She's sick. All she does is lay in the bed. Look, I know it was one of them, they've all been acting funny, and Towanda basically confirmed it, she just won't tell me who."
Face didn't say anything after that, not that he needed to. I wanted to go see Mommy, but I wasn't sure what kind of terms we were on. And I wanted to talk to Jan more than anything, but she could have been anywhere, doing anything, and if she was asleep, the last thing I would want to do was wake her up. But right now I was feeling like I had no where else to turn anymore. Face was the only one available, and on my side, but I guess he wasn't up to hearing about my problems. It seemed like nowadays all we ever talked about was me anyway, and between that and spending every day together with these rehearsals, he probably needed a break from me. I could take a hint.
"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then, I'm gonna go home and... I don't know. Watch T.V. or something." I grabbed my purse.
"Well, would you like to come over?" He offered politely.
"No, don't worry about me, but thank you. I'm exhausted."
"Okay, well, um... I'll see you tomorrow. And don't forget about the last wardrobe meeting too, tomorrow, 7."
"Right, right." It was then I remembered I was supposed to send pictures of my wardrobe to Janet to get her opinion. It was kind of late to do that now, but it still would be nice to know what she thinks, as long as she was honest.
"Alright, then I'm out of here, bye Toni."
"Goodbye."
I left shortly after Face, feeling really empty and without a purpose.
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