It took the rough surface of the sidewalk connecting Skylar's house to the rest of the street for her to realize that she had forgotten to put shoes on before leaving. Unsure if this was because of her memory-which, since Thom's funeral, had been getting worse and worse-or just because her mind was far too scattered to remember something small like wearing shoes, Skylar padded up the length of the driveway, unlocked the door, and slipped her shoes on. She leaned against the closed door, listening to the sound of her heavy breaths. Exhausted from nights of no sleep following the funeral. The car ride home was painful. No, that was an understatement.
Skylar wished that Jude was the type of girl who yelled at her when she messed up. Fifteen minutes of shouting-even a half hour-would have been better than hours of silence. She would have traded being told off by her girlfriend for anything, rather than dropping Jude off at the dingy apartment that wasn't really safe for her, and hearing nothing but a sharp "Bye, Skylar." Not even Sky.
Skylar understood that she needed time, she just wished she didn't need so much. And how could she make up for something like that? Her mistake was biology, it was physical. It wasn't intended. But Jude didn't seem to see it that way.
Speaking of time, Skylar glanced at her wristwatch, the one that Jude loved to play with-or used to, at least-and realized she really needed to get going.
Heading out the door once again, she briefly double checked that she had everything. Shoes, pants, shirt, phone, house key. At this point, she wouldn't have been surprised if she forgot something as crucial as a piece of clothing.
It was warm. Comfortable, but warm. The sun washed over her skin, and she suddenly wished she could be Blair, so she could enjoy the light and the way it woke her up. But she wasn't Blair, and she grimaced in the warmth, and kept her head down.
She was afraid of this. Of Thom ruining their relationship, of his death taking Jude away from her. It had been selfish a few weeks ago, but now it was justified. Jude was slipping out of her hands faster than she had fallen into them, and Skylar couldn't hold on. It seemed like Jude wanted to let go.
The cafe was quiet. It was Thursday morning, which meant the only drinks served were tea to elderly women who came to meet with their friends, discussing family reunions and knitting patterns. Skylar usually listened, finding their soft, slow voices peaceful, but today she tuned them out. She didn't really want to see, or hear, anyone happy, when she was so far from it. Remembering how Jude told her that she would spend her days here, writing from open until close, she smiled. Jude also used to watch her, Skylar, stand across the street outside the bar and smoke. They had watched each other for so long before their paths finally crossed. If only Skylar had reached her before Thom broke her. But then his death still may have happened, and they may have ended up in the same place anyways.
"I'll take the usual."
The familiar voice brought heat to Skylar's cheeks even before she saw who it belonged to. Myra's hands were flat against the counter only inches away from Skylar. She looked so inviting, so confident. Skylar swallowed the lump that had rose in her throat upon thinking of her relationship with Jude, and smiled warmly at the girl before her.
"Coming right up," she said, brewing the first coffee of the day. De-caf, with two sugars and no cream. The usual, that even Skylar had memorized.
"I haven't seen you in a while. I came by last week wanting to see you, and you weren't here. What've you been up to?" It was a genuine question, filled with genuine interest, just like Skylar was filling the paper cup with steaming coffee.
Skylar shrugged. "Went out of town with my girlfriend," she said, not meeting Myra's eyes, which had widened immensely.
"I didn't know you had a girlfriend."
Skylar ran her tongue over her top lip as she pushed the cup towards Myra. "I haven't seen you in months. Things change."
"I'll say." Myra smiled. "You seem different. When we hung out you were so happy. Any reason you and-"
"Jude," Skylar cut in, even more heat rising to her face.
Myra nodded. "You and Jude went out of town?"
"Do you really want to know?" Skylar asked with a sigh.
The other girl held her coffee in both hands, as if it was a cold day and she was trying to warm herself up. Her shoulders lowered as she said, "I know we had our fun, Skylar. I didn't want anything serious, so this news of you and Jude, it doesn't bother me. But I do like you, so if you don't mind, I wouldn't say no to being friends."
Skylar was so used to referring to Blair as her friend. For so long, that was all she had. But Blair was good friends with Jude, and she was back with Peter, and she didn't need to hear about every relationship bump that endured between she and Jude. Skylar decided it would be nice having someone else-someone different-to talk to.
"If you want to hear all about the complexity that is my relationship with Jude, then sure."
Myra smiled beneath her raised cup. "I'll wait for your break."
So she sat, waiting for another hour, leisurely sipping her coffee, most likely eavesdropping on the old women, just like Skylar was. As noon passed, the shop became a little busier, another barista came to work, and Skylar was finally able to join Myra at her booth.
"So, Jude. Tell me everything I need to know."
There was so much, and so little, thought Skylar. And where to begin?
"I mean," Myra continued, obviously noticing how this request had stumped Skylar, "tell me about her. Just so I get an idea of who she is. And then I'll help you with your troubles."
The way she said it made it sound like it was something small, like Skylar not picking up after herself when staying the night at Jude's apartment. But it was so much more than that.
"Actually, when you and I were... together, I guess... I actually knew Jude. We were friends at first, but I liked her. It took me a long time to accept it, because I'm really stubborn, and I've had some relationship problems in the past. But Jude is," Skylar exhaled slowly, "she's great. She's nice and she's passionate and she's adorable. She's selfless and she's brave and she's different from any girl I've ever liked. There was something about her that pulled me in. Before she had even said a word to me, I knew I was willing to do anything. Anything for her."
Myra's eyebrows raised, and she smirked. But she said, genuinely, "You really like this girl, Sky."
"It's Skylar."
Myra's smirk grew. "I bet you let Jude call you Sky."
Rolling her eyes, Skylar changed the subject. "I'm telling you all this because I trust you, okay? Jude had some problems with her ex-boyfriend. She left him for it. A few weeks ago, he committed suicide. We left the city to go back to her hometown for the funeral. And ever since he died, it's been different between us. Like someone took a knife and cut us right in half."
"So you feel like, before this guy died, you two were like one person? And then his death made you separate again?"
"Sort of," said Skylar.
Myra was playing with a ring on her right hand, middle finger, and staring at it intently. "Death can do that to a person. It can end a relationship. I'm sure whatever problems Jude and her boyfriend had, it didn't matter when he died. She has every right to be devastated."
"I know that," Skylar said quickly, "but-this sounds so bad-what about me?"
"I don't doubt that you've been there for her throughout all this."
"I have been. I've given her the space she needs while still supporting her. I've done everything I could to help her, and she's pushing me away." Skylar sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. She covered her face with her palms and told Myra what happened at the funeral.
"Okay, what the hell?" The other girl said immediately. She had spoken a little too loud, apparently, because she instantly received dirty looks from the older women. "Sorry," she muttered in their direction, and then turned back to Skylar. "That's not fair. She knew about this, this memory thing?"
"She did."
"So how can she blame you for forgetting?"
"Because it was important. I can usually remember important stuff. But I just forgot. I apologized for it so much, though. And she won't answer my calls, and I don't know what to do," Skylar admitted. She sat back in her chair, shoulders slouched, heart racing. She knew what Myra was about to say before she said it.
"I think she's going to break up with you, Skylar."
"I know," Skylar whispered. She pressed her index and middle fingers into her closed eyes and saw stars. "I know. But I can't give up on her. Not yet."
"But this isn't fair for you."
"Neither is her ex-boyfriend's death. That's not fair for her."
"But right now she's mad at you for forgetting to not tell anyone that you were dating. That's an uncontrollable mistake that she can't hold against you."
"I know that," said Skylar, lowering her hands and opening her eyes. It took a few seconds for the room to return to her vision. "But I like her so much. I can't blame her for being upset and vulnerable and all that right now."
"So tell me, would you be okay with Jude breaking up with you? If it meant her having time to move on a little from his death, and to forgive you for forgetting?"
Skylar didn't see why Jude would need to break up with her to do that, but she had a feeling it was going to happen. "If she needs to do that in order to be happy, then yes. Then I'd be okay with that. All I want is her to be happy again."
Myra smiled softly. "So call her and tell her that."
Skylar waited until Myra was gone, until her shift was over, until she was in the safe space of her lonely bedroom, to leave Jude another voicemail. This would be the last one, she told herself.
After the automated beep that was really starting to get on Skylar's nerves, she said, "Hi, Jude, it's me. I know I've been bombarding your phone with messages and calls, but it's just because I'm worried about you. But listen, if you want some space, and I mean some space apart, then I'm okay with that. If breaking up will make you happy, then that's okay with me. Just let me know what you want, and I'll do it. Okay? Call me back, please. Bye, Jude."