We were alone again, sitting in Lara's library that was far too ordered to be in use. Tom had a laptop in front of him on the wide oak desk, typing a few words every now and then. The slight crease between his eyebrows begged to be smoothed out, but I didn't dare touch him.
"She's available on Saturday," he said.
It was all too real. Tom had taken it upon himself to ask for a marriage officiant on short notice, and he'd found someone with a good reputation. I swallowed hard, regretting my actions for the hundredth time. I'd almost hoped we wouldn't find anyone, but then there was this tiny ember of hope inside me that still wanted a taste of Tom. It was all terribly unhealthy for my sanity.
"That's awesome." I smiled with my entire face.
The frown deepened. "And you're still adamant on doing this outdoors."
"Yes." I dreaded to be inside a boring city hall with no wind to blame if I shed a tear.
"I'm not doing it in some park here in the city."
"That's fine. I don't care where we go as long as it's outside." That he was doing this at all still surprised me. In fact, I had a hard time rationalizing why he was doing it at all. Chris had said Tom was loyal, but could he really be doing this just to make Lara happy? And why the hell did Lara care anyway. I was a nobody with hopes and dreams but no guts to make anything happen.
"I'll check with Lara," Tom replied. It was always Lara this, Lara that, but I had no right to be jealous.
Afraid to show him how shaken I was by all of this, I smiled wider, nails biting into my palms. "So who are we inviting?"
"You tell me."
Our gazes met, flickered, wavered, held. "Well, Chris and Dante, of course. I guess we won't get away from inviting Lara. Then there's Adam and Cameron. What about you?" I wanted to ask him about his family, but I wasn't sure I could open that box of secrets just yet. If I asked him about his family, he would inevitably ask about mine.
"That should be enough witnesses."
"I'm sure Adam and Cameron will take pictures, so we'll have more than enough evidence. We'll just have to make sure we look properly in love in front of the cameras."
Tom closed his eyes, and I could swear he was counting down silently. I knew I should have stopped with the teasing, but I had no other way to interact with him. Not if I wanted to stay in control.
"Let them know it's on Saturday," he replied after a while, not saying a word about photographers. He was good at ignoring things he probably wished he hadn't heard.
In a way, he was all wrong for me. Rarely smiling, often closed off as if he wanted nothing more than to be alone. It was impossible to imagine us together, but I couldn't stop pining after him. It was stupid. We didn't even know each other.
I sighed softly, leaning back. "I will."
The silence crept upon us, careful at first until it reached that critical point where it sustained itself. Tom's attention shifted from the laptop, and there it was, that brittle connection between us that always scared me. It only happened when I lowered my guard, and I hated it. I hated how Tom wouldn't stop searching for everything I wanted to keep to myself.
I wasn't ready.
* * * *
Days blurred together. There hadn't been enough time for meticulous planning, rather it had been forms to fill and people to contact.
Chris watched me from behind. I could see him in the mirror, twiddling his thumbs and assessing my attire with a frown on his face. He had no reason, whatsoever, to complain. I looked freaking awesome in a light gray suit, a white shirt, and a purple bow-tie. My hair was sculpted to perfection, styled to cover the tiny scar on my forehead.
I smacked my lips and adjusted the bow-tie. "What time is it?"
"Time to go."
I couldn't believe it. "Already?"
Chris checked his phone. "Yes, it's time. In fact, we're running late."
Turning, I fought the wave of nerves. The best man deserved a slap if he didn't make sure we arrived in time. Not that I would slap him hard, especially when he looked so damn fine. My attention shifted to a stray lock of his hair. Hairspray in hand, I got to work.
"What are you doing?" he asked, waving me away. "We're late. And no one will care about my hair."
"Your hair is always messy, but today will be the exception. It's my wedding day." I sprayed again.
"It's weird that you're getting married. Have you decided to take his name?"
I stepped back and checked the result. His hair was passable, perhaps not perfect, but I couldn't have him outshine me, after all.
"Joachim?"
I couldn't look him in the eye. "No, I'm not taking his name." He asked the tricky questions, and I wanted to pretend that nothing about this situation was tricky at all. Piece of cake. Get married, stay in the US, seduce my husband and raise babies.
"You don't think that will look suspicious to the USCIS?"
"Hopefully, they won't notice a difference between Carson and Carlsson."
Chris chuckled behind me. "Maybe you're right."
I dreaded a follow-up question and decided to head to the door, or maybe I sprinted. Chris caught on quickly, and what might have been said remained in the quaint hotel room as we left for the hastily arranged marriage ceremony.
Chris swerved the car onto a gravel lane. The surroundings were eerily similar to the Swedish countryside. Tall trees, grass bending in the light breeze, fields mimicking rippling waves—it was a beautiful day to celebrate. Although, I wasn't sure we were celebrating.
Tom was still a mystery. We'd met several times during the week, discussing the details of when and where to eat after the ceremony, where to stay, what to say to everyone. Nothing romantic. Then, there had been glimpses of delicious tension, barely there, and subtle notes of sarcasm that had made me smile. I didn't know what to make of it.
Chris drove down another narrow road, and I began to see glittering reflections from the sea between the tree trunks. It was lively, but not wild. Usually, I became calm when staring out across water, but it didn't work this time around.
"Have you arranged a seating plan for tonight?" Chris asked.
I snorted. "Are you kidding?"
"Just making conversation."
"Fine, I'll give you an A for effort."
He laughed when I stuck out my tongue. "As long as we're all invited to the dinner, you're off the hook."
I ran my hand along the dashboard, warm from the sun. "I thought you wanted me to spend some alone time with Tom."
"You guys need a wedding night at least."
If I hadn't been so afraid to mess up my hair, I would have run my fingers through it in frustration. Chris seriously needed to back off, otherwise I might faint when the marriage officiant asked us to repeat our vows.
It was too late. I was already undressing Tom in my thoughts, one shirt button at a time. A shiver trickled along the nape of my neck. Oh yes, I was in serious trouble.
Chris stopped the car and cut the engine. He seemed to understand that I needed a moment to collect myself before we stepped outside, waiting patiently for me to make the first move.
I filled my lungs with warm air and exhaled slowly. Nothing would become easier if I stalled, but I had to get my act together. I had a job to perform—that of the blushing bridegroom with nothing to hide. The marriage officiant had to believe they were marrying a couple deeply in love.
I gripped Chris' hand, struck by the realization that I finally would be allowed to steal my first kiss.
"Fuck."
Chris' eyes widened. "What?"
"I'm going to kiss him."
"Yeah. Got a problem with that?"
"No." Of course not. I would devour those lush lips as if they were my first taste of heaven—and that was the problem.
He smiled. "Then let's go."
His words brokered no argument. I got out of the car, dusted off my suit, and frowned at my sudden urge for a cigarette. I rarely smoked, and I had no intention of smelling foul at my own wedding, but the urge was there. Big time.
Chris walked around the car and nudged my shoulder. "You ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." That was a total lie. Not that I had ever planned to marry, but I had at least thought it would have been out of love. I wanted to be excited, not freaked out. Even so, I followed him through along the stone pathway, staring at his back while taking one step after another.
I almost lost my footing when the sound of a violin pierced the air. Dante swayed from side to side in tune with the music he called forth beneath his bow. My heart clenched, captured by the powerful surge of pure passion. I cursed that music had the ability to throw me for a loop. I didn't need it today.
My gaze found Lara beside him, then Adam, smiling brightly in his cobalt blue attire. Cameron was taking photographs. I didn't dare to look at Tom even as his presence overwhelmed me. I needed a few more steps to calm my racing heart.
The music was killing me from within, but I breathed deeply and fastened my attention on Tom. Holy mother of... He was stunning. I didn't need any acting skills to smile wide. It came by itself, completely unbidden.
Tom appeared a tad less enthusiastic, but then again, the guy never seemed to move a muscle in his face other than his left eyebrow. Regardless, he did his duty and held out his hand for me, which was enough to send butterflies to flight inside me. Clasping my fingers around his, I allowed myself to pretend that this was for real. I would give myself this brief moment of illusion to treasure. It would shatter soon enough.
The marriage officiant's warm smile greeted me when I finally had the strength to look away.
The music slowed. "Welcome gentlemen." She nodded at us. "And guests." She smiled wider. "Today we are here to celebrate the union of Thomas and Joachim. We are here to witness their willingness to commit. A commitment that includes the willingness to be vulnerable, to be honest, open and courageous. Marriage is the conscious act of will. Marriage is choosing each other over and over again."
I tried to keep my free hand from shaking. Had she guessed what was going on?
She addressed everyone. "Marital partners accept the challenges of living together, of loving each other through hardships and fears. And you," she gestured at us, "Joachim and Thomas, have decided to create and recreate this conscious partnership."
Her words became muted in the haze. This couldn't be happening. Not for real.
"Such a union is not to be entered into lightly, but honestly and deliberately." She allowed a few seconds of silence to descend. I became certain that she'd seen through our act, that she somehow knew. The pause appeared to go on forever, wrapping me up in frightening torment until she finally continued, smiling, "Joachim, you have chosen Thomas to be your life partner. Will you love and respect him? Will you be honest with him, and stand by him through whatever may come?" She eyed me intently, as if this was the most serious question in the entire world.
"I will." I clenched my hand around Tom's.
"Thomas, you have chosen Joachim to be your life partner..." She repeated the same words to Tom, but my ears were ringing in the absence of church bells. It became a struggle to keep calm as I began to dread Tom's reply. Would he really say yes?
"I do."
I couldn't breathe, but I had to. I had to get my shit together and not make a mess of everything. Smile Joachim. Smile like you've never smiled before. I tried my very best, digging my nails into my free hand.
"And do you both promise to treasure the unity of your relationship so that you may live in harmony together?"
"We do." The two of us replied at the same time, almost in one voice.
The officiant nodded as if affirming what we said. "Thomas and Joachim, it is time for your vows. May I remind you that what you promise today must be renewed tomorrow and each day that stretches before you." Her words carried echoes of lies. So many lies.
"Joachim, please repeat after me: In the presence of our friends, I Joachim, choose you Thomas to be my life partner."
I repeated her words, trying to keep my voice steady. The words life partner ached to utter. This wasn't real. None of it was real. He wasn't my future. He didn't want to be in my life. Not for a second longer than he had to.
She spoke again. "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poor, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, and to be faithful to you alone. This is my solemn vow."
I said the words. All of them. I even imagined that I meant them.
"Thomas, please repeat after me..." They went through the same procedure, but this time, I heard more than I wanted to hear. I noticed the slight strain in Tom's voice and the brief hesitation. He said the exact same words that I had said, but with no emotion behind them.
The officiant turned to Chris. "May I have the rings, please."
I blanked out the rest. All I could think about was the heavy ring around my finger and the raving bats in my stomach. This was it. We were about to kiss, and I felt like I had tricked him into this.
I heard the word "kiss" before a steady hand landed at the small of my back. I melted into the touch. It was so unfair. This was supposed to be my moment. I had planned it from the start—how I would sweep him off his feet with a perfect kiss. This was all backwards. He wasn't supposed to make me fall even harder.
Our lips met, his were warm and full, reassuring against mine. I gripped his shoulders, aching to pull him closer. Desperate to keep my emotions in check while I wanted to devour him.
I was losing my mind. Lost in bliss. Lost in the illusion.