I searched into Lloyd's eyes for anything that would give him away; anything that would indicate that this was anything but the real deal. My brain was late and apparently all functions were likely mediocre. If anything, below average.
"What does that even mean, Lloyd?" I questioned.
Lloyd exasperated. "You know, it completely baffles me how incredibly dense you are, Pey. Before I've considerately taken it as cute, but now it's just plain out annoying--I mean, for god's sake, are you even doing it on purpose?"
"Lloyd, I legitimately don't." I answered quickly and defensively. "But if you quit being pissed all the time and just tell me what's up then it'd be a lot more easier for the both of us, don't you think?"
"Hey, you're the smart one here." He snapped. "The hints are pretty clear, Penny, you could have at least picked up the pieces and solved it by now."
I couldn't help but make a look. "Was there even something there be to solved? What are you even talking about anymore?"
"For fuck's sake!" Lloyd stood up, completely losing it. He showed exhaustion in every possible way that he can. But this wasn't the typical exhaustion in terms of physicality. This was definitely the 'I'm tired of all of this' kind.
I looked at him with utter mystery; wondering what had gotten into him; wondering what he had been going through to turn out this way; and wondering why he couldn't just give it to me straight.
"Do you honestly take everything I do non-sentimentally? The way I act, do you honestly believe that this isn't because of you?"
And from that moment, a rushing static ran through my body. By the way he pressed the word that indicated me, it just felt like a hard slap in the face. I couldn't comprehend what he could possibly mean by that. A part of me didn't want to accept that this was all because me; that I was to blame for Lloyd's suddenly act up. It brought me so much concern, and it honestly broke my heart. In my head, I was desperately retracing my actions, wondering which part of it was the cause. It brought me even more despair when I couldn't think of one.
I was loss of words. The air was getting tighter with every second a word was not spoken. It sucked.
"What...did I do?" I said quietly, scared of knowing the answer.
"Everything, Penny." He answered, voice tracing with bitter sadness. "Why can't you just---"
He trailed off and looked away. I stood myself up and tightened both my fist to get this all over with.
"What, Lloyd." I pressed. "Just tell me."
He looked me in eyes, tired. There was a hint of anger that I couldn't think of a reason behind it.
Was he always this a mystery?
No. Before, no. But now, I just don't know. He used to be just an egghead. But now? When did he became this ball of emotion and mystery?
Maybe there really was something there to be solved.
Suddenly, something in my gut dropped. Guilt was already invading. I realized, Lloyd wasn't the only one whose changing...so was I.
I, too, turned into this ball of emotion and mystery. I've also been acting up, I must confess. With the whole Kalvin thing. I was guilty as well. Sucked? Yes.
What was happening to us? Puberty?
"I can't tell you." He finally spoke. "Not yet."
Frustration got the best of me. Remember? I was an impatient bastard.
I took his shirt collar by the fist, shaking. "Tell me. Now."
He shook his head.
"Lloyd. You have to tell me. Please. I--" I trailed off, trying to salvage anymore dignity I had left. "Want things to be normal again."
He shook his head again. "I don't think that's possible, Pey."
The words tortured my heart. "I just...don't understand anymore."
I let go of his shirt, turned the other way and cupped my hand against my forehead.
What was happening to us?
This was getting way out of hand. This was all so happening so quickly. This was getting heavier by the minute. Everything's changing so fast and I just can't keep up. Am I losing my best friend?
The thought sickened my stomach. I couldn't digest the possibility. This affected me so deeply that it made me unable to look at Lloyd. I hate what had happened to us.
Lloyd grabbed me by the shoulder and urged me to turn back at him. It only took me a second before I eventually gave in, hoping he had changed his mind and tell me what's really wrong this time.
Our eyes found each other again and all I could do now was wait.
"Penny." He said. "I need you to focus. Just...please."
His voice was pleading. And I couldn't help but wanting to slap him in the face and just cut the shit out. I couldn't understand why he couldn't just tell me. He was just making this a lot more confusing than it already is.
Then suddenly...
He loves you...
A thought flashed.
I blinked. My heart stopped. Then my body froze for solid five seconds. It was painful. It felt like my body was being wrapped by a thick vesture of in denial. What I was feeling was so indescribable. My brain struggled to handle this havoc of a situation.
I panicked, I felt scared of what would become once this assumption turned into a fact. And what came out of this was pure denial. My brain scrubbed the impossible thought away. In my head, I was gasping for air, trying to calm down; trying to convince myself that this was no where near the case.
Fifteen seconds had passed, and I'm guessing this must have been too long for Lloyd to consider a positive outcome. He let go of my shoulder and took a step backward.
"I got to go." He said, voice tracing with hurt. He didn't look at me this time, but I saw how he struggled to stop the shakiness of his lips. My eyes were wide, not even knowing what was in my system anymore. Everything just turned pale and confusing.
I didn't even stop him from walking pass me. The only indication I got that the night was over was the sound of his front door being closed. Not hard, not too quick, but just any other sound of a normal door close.
*****
Author's Note
It's been so long since I last uploaded. And I'm really sorry for that. College had been really busy and emotionally exhausting. Recently I've been having emotional problems, most particularly anxiety. Sucks. But although this chapter was so short, I still hope you liked it. I'm starting to get annoyed with Penny's denseness 😢 But that's just how I see how she'll react. Penny had never been exposed by a confirmed admiration from anyone or even being slightly aware of any concept of romance. So being liked by someone, or to even being attractive to anyone, was never a possibility for her to consider. BUT DON'T WORRY! I know she still has a lot of development to go through! And I hope you'll stay tone to see it! From now on I'll try to update as much as can, maybe once a week? No promises though, but I'll do my best!
Love, Z