"Why did you tell me all of those things? About not liking girls and that you didn't have feelings for me?" I asked watching Maliah pack her messenger bag.
She sighed and stopped, "Because I wasn't sure. Our first kiss ... it was really heavy on me. I'm still confused. And I'm not ready for anything. I don't even know if I like girls."
I nodded, feeling decent about this, "I understand. I just wish you weren't fighting it this entire time. I wish you told me.
"I hope you understand this is dangerous for our relationship. It can ruin everything."
"It won't." I replied.
"How do you know?"
I shrugged, "Because you're my best friend before anything. I can't lose you Maliah. You're the only thing I have."
"I'm scared," She admitted. "Really scared."
"We're not rushing into anything. We'll take our time ... talk it through. I just ... really enjoy kissing you."
She looked away, "I know."
Last night was insane. After she pulled me in for a kiss and told me what she did, my brain basically shut down. It was too much to handle. It was also extremely confusing. It was just a pool of emotions inside of me. I didn't know what to feel first.
But we didn't talk about it much last night. We actually just went to bed. That gave me enough time to let it marinate. This is the first time we're talking about it now. At six in the morning. Before shitty school.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
She nodded, "I'm fine. I'm actually just full of thoughts and stuff ..."
I stand up and walk to her. She's frantic and restless. I can tell by the way her eyes are darting around ... and her hands won't stay still. I didn't think it would effect her this way. It's nice to know she's as scared as I am though.
I grab her and pull her to me. She still has her pajamas on. She takes a deep breath and grabs my shoulders.
"It's gonna be okay," I whispered. "This is something that we're gonna handle. Together."
She shook her head, "I don't wanna hurt you, Jax."
I kiss her forehead and smile, "You've stabbed so many knives in my heart already. I'm practically numb."
"Jax that's not funnyy ..." She whined.
I laughed because I just couldn't help it. I can't believe this is happening. I cup her face and just embrace her. I don't know how long this is going to last so I have to just enjoy it now.
"How did you know?" She paused. "That you were ... in love with me."
"I knew because you became the center of my fucked up world, but it's different for everybody." I answered.
She smiled, "That's sweet."
I shrugged, "I guess."
"You kept this from me for so long ... I feel like shit."
"Don't. Shit happens."
"Jax ... I can't identify as anything yet. You're aware of your sexuality. I don't know what this is. I've never looked at girls ..." She drifted off.
"Or guys for that matter."
"Exactly," She said. "What if I'm not really in love with you? What if it's just a phase? What if -"
"What if you're just over thinking?" I interrupted. "What if you're just stressing yourself out right now? Which, by the way, you are. A lot. You probably shouldn't do that."
"I'm trying not to!"
"Hmm ... lets start with how you feel about me. That's a good start. Tell me how you feel."
She nodded, seeming to feel a little less stressed, "I love being around you, duh. You wouldn't be my best friend if I didn't. I can tell you anything even though you get irritated about the college and school talk. You're my rock even if it doesn't seem like it often. I feel comfortable with you ... and I trust you. With my life."
"And when we kiss?" I asked. That's probably one of the most important things.
She chewed on her bottom lip before answering, "I like it ... a lot. And I feel things. Like really strong emotions. Things that really scare me, Jax. Maybe I always have loved you, but I don't know. I don't know what being in love feels like."
I reassured her, "We'll get to the bottom of it. In the mean time, since you've packed for school three times in row, lets relax?"
"Relax? You mean back to sleep for another hour?"
I rolled my eyes and pulled her in for a kiss. She kissed me back. It was a quick kiss. Just enough to give her an idea of what I really want to do until we have to get ready for school.
She said quietly, "Oh ... that kind of relax."
I smirked and pulled her in for another kiss. This time she caught the groove. Kissing her turns me on, a lot. Its just so right when we kiss. Her really soft breaths and the way she pushes against my mouth makes me so happy. She makes me feel like I can do anything just because she possibly feels the same way about me.
I feel her getting looser under my grip. Her hands slide down the middle of my chest. She completely avoided my boobs which I find funny. I press my hands into her lower back.
"Maybe we should take this to your bed?" I said against her mouth.
She kissed my lips, "Actually, you need to shower."
I frowned, immediately becoming self conscious, "What? Do I smell bad?"
She giggled, "No, you just have a tendency to do things last minute."
"But I wanna kiss ... a lot. Listen I've waited four years for this. You can't just tell me to go shower now."
She caught this funny look in her eyes. I can't read her expression for shit, but her lips kiss my the right side of my jaw. I smile a little just because she's definitely not the type to take control. This is unreal.
I feel her breath stretch to my ear. Then her lips follow my jaw line, but down to my neck. I quiver inside. Feeling her breath and her mouth on my skin is hypnotic.
I bit down on my lip and held her close to me, "I think you should stop that ... four years of sexual frustration is a real thing."
She mouthed against my neck, "Sexual frustration? You've thought about me sexually?"
I stood quiet. I totally just fucked up. She's not supposed to know any of that. That's embarrassing. And after not answering her, she immediately started to probe.
"Jax."
I sighed, "Can we not get into this conversation?"
"You think about me sexually? Like naked and stuff?"
"Maliah, stop."
"Oh my God have you like ... played with yourself to the thought of me before?"
I quickly pulled away from her, "Well will you look at the time! That shower sounds fan-fucking-tastic right now!"
"Jax Keen!"
Awkwaard.
**
Maliah clings onto me against my locker. I smile and wrap my arms around her. She has on one of my old black sweatshirts and jeans. Her hair is down but pulled back by a head band. She always looks better in my clothes.
We didn't have the talk about how we're going to act in public. I'm actually surprised she didn't bring it up. I don't intend on doing anything though. I'm actually not sure how I feel about doing shit in public anyway.
"You know it feels weird coming to school without a book bag." I said.
"Carrying a folder and a pen won't kill you." She responded.
I yawned, "I feel like I'm already dead."
"Maybe you should've took that hour nap."
I smirked, "I should've ... but sleep decreases in value when there's a hot red head I can kiss instead."
She smiles, but rolls her eyes.
"Wouldn't you say the same?" I said, hoping she'd say something about me.
"I'm not kissing a hot red head though." She teased.
"That's not what I was saying, but ..."
"I'm too busy kissing someone whose hard headed and apathetic." She smiled.
I rolled my eyes, "How sweet."
She laughs quietly and leans into me again. Is she finally calming down about everything? It seems like it. I want her to be as calm and mellowed out as possible before her parents come back ... something tells me when they come back things aren't going to be as smooth as they are now.
She sighed softly, "You smell so good."
"Your soaps are super fruity, what do you expect?"
"Super fruity like you."
"And you, apparently." I teased.
She pulled away from me and leaned on a locker. We're close still and she lowers her voice, "Is it possible to just have an exception? You know ... I may just like you, but I don't like girls. What if that's something?"
"You're asking me this? I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess. I mean, I know I like women. There's no real set of rules to sexuality I guess. I guess you could just be able to love one girl. I think the best thing to do is just not think about it. Sexuality doesn't have laws. At least that's how I think about it ..."
She nodded, "I'm just cautious. I would never want to put us at risk, you know?"
"Even though ..."
"Even though we're putting everything on the line right now, yes. I know." She finished.
I smirked, but that quickly disappeared when the warning bell rang. I cringed and so did Maliah. I groaned in dread. She shook her head and reached for my arm.
"And the day begins," She said pulling me along. "Come."
**
Maliah put her legs over mine. We're currently dipping our fries into the vanilla milkshakes she bought today on the cafeteria line.
I'm very sleepy. These boring ass classes aren't helping. It's decently warm and today it seems like everyone is on Xanax. It's not rowdy and loud like it usually is around here.
"This is such a great snack." She said.
I agreed, "I rank milkshake and fries in my top five."
"So my parents texted me. Well my Mom."
I stop eating and look at her. Suddenly I'm aware of my own heart beat.
She continued, "They'll be back Sunday."
"Are you gonna stay home?" I asked.
"Well, yeah. I guess. I want to see my Mom."
There's questions I want to ask. So many of them. But they're heavy. Really heavy. And to be honest, I don't think I'l ever be ready to hear the answers.
"How often?" I asked, hoping she'd catch my drift.
"Not often, but enough." She answered.
"You know you can always crash at my place, right? I know you have everything at home, but it'd be better if you stood over every now and then. Sometimes home is the worst place to be."
"I know, but I don't want your Dad getting annoyed with you."
"They love you, Maliah. Probably love you more than they love me."
She frowned, "Is it sad that that's plausible?"
I shrugged, "I guess."
My phone rings. I quickly take it out of my pocket and answer it, "Yeah?"
"You left your book bag this morning ..." Mom said.
I grimaced, "I'm just carrying a folder today."
She sighed, "And why is the window open? It's freezing in here Jax."
I rolled my eyes, "Why are you in my room? You know I hate when you snoop around."
"I'm not snooping. I'm just doing my normal roundabouts," She said. "Was your friend okay last night?"
I scoffed, "No she was fucking awkward thanks to Eric."
"Jax Jade," She said harshly. "That language needs to be fixed and you need to get along with your father."
"Yeah, sure. In school. Bye."
I slam my phone on the table and shake my head, "She's so fucking annoying."
"What happened now?" Maliah asked, a little shaken by my miniature lash out.
"She's in my room. Snooping. Just get the fuck out and stay in Harry's room."
I feel like it just got twenty degrees warmer in here. Why is she in my room? She never does roundabouts. Not a chance in hell she suddenly wants to act like a real Mom. Unless she's looking for something, but I don't have anything she would possibly want.
"Jax ... you're shaking the table with your leg." She said quietly.
"Fuck," I said realizing my foot was tapping on the floor hard enough for my knee to constantly bump the table. "I'm sorry."
I feel her hand grip mine. She knows how I get with them. It's like someone is releasing an animal from a cage. She knows I bottle up my anger.
I take a deep breath and try stop my vision from tunneling. But then I become aware of my nerves. My fingers are twitching a little.
Maliah suddenly grabs my face and kisses me and I mean really kisses me. In front of everyone. I kiss back timidly, a little nervous myself. It feels like everyone's eyes are on us, but when she pulled away and I opened my eyes, everything was normal. With the exception of some people staring at us.
Then for some random ass reason, I spot Hielee. Staring straight at me with a blank expression. Fuck. There's nothing worse than being caught in your own lie. I won't be surprised if she totally hates me now.
"Better?" She asked. "I thought a kiss could help you calm down."
I nodded, distracted, "Y-Yeah ..."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing ... I just didn't think you'd kiss me. In public." I answered pulling my eyes away from Hielee.
"Oh. Shit," She laughed. "I'm sorry. I wasn't really thinking about it."
I smile. Her honest laugh is so ... cute, "It's okay. I just thought maybe you'd be weird about it.
She shrugged, "I mean, not really. If everyone suspected it anyway, there's no need to be weird."
I managed to find my appetite again. I picked up a fry and said, "That's a pretty good point. I haven't thought about it like that."
She nudged my arm a little and picked up a fry herself. Then I realize, she totally calmed me down and made me let go the anger I was carrying just a few seconds ago.
"I love you so much." I said admiring her.
She just looks back and me and eats her fry. When she's finished she signals me to move closer with her index finger. I follow and move in to be granted with another kiss.
"I love you Jax."