Note: As this is not an "official" critique, I will not include a rating. This critique is only to help facilitate the rewriting process.
Your Summary: The summary could be improved greatly. It is far too short, oversimplifies the subject matter, and needs updating for punctuation. Since the majority of the story seems to be written from the first person point of view, it might be a good idea to write the summary from that POV, too. It's a matter of personal choice, but I like to set the stage like that. I don't want people to be surprised that my book is written in the first person. Based on what I know about the story and the audience you're attempting to reach, I would rewrite the summary something like this (it's late, and I'm lazy, but you'll get the idea): A sweet sixteen is always a big event, sure. But my sweet sixteen was a true turning point for me. From that day on, I'd live my life wondering what was going to happen to me, how I was going to change, how much more of a freak I could become. The life of a vampire-human hybrid is just as crazy as the phrase sounds. With this condition, nothing is as easy as it should be. Falling in love even has its dangers, especially when your sweetheart is not quite what he seems. Even that summary isn't the best thing in the world (obviously), but it gives an idea what your length should look like.
Your Cover: The cover image, while evocative, has little to do with the story's content and even less to do with the tone of the story. You'll want to look for something darker and more tense. Even the font has a whimsical, fantasy feel to it that just doesn't fit the story. Again, something darker and more serious might work better. But I know covers are the last thing on your mind when you're still writing a story.
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Body Analysis:
The first line is messy. "Coming in pants," is an odd phrase. It makes me think of somebody breathing into a pair of jeans. Let's rewrite this entire intro, and then I'll tell you what I've changed.
I couldn't catch my breath, no matter how hard my chest heaved, no matter how much I tried to calm my mind. I stumbled, sprinting down the rough path, leaves crumbling to bits beneath my frantic feet. I stole a look behind myself and into the shadows. Couldn't see a damn thing. He was no doubt still in close pursuit, hunting me down. That was his job, after all. I just couldn't bring myself to turn and face him, fight like I'd fought so many times before. No matter how dangerous he was to me-- to my kind-- I'd always love him. I cried for help, though I knew it was useless. If anyone was near, they'd stand no chance against him. There was no knight in white armor to save me, no soft-hearted outlaw on a silver steed. I was alone. His torturous footfalls nipped at my back like hellfire, threatening to swallow me whole. Panic tore through my mind. Was I fast enough?
"Kaley," his voice called to me from all around, "slow down. Let's talk." The beckoning was hollow and insincere, but my mind still begged me to obey him. I longed for the days when I'd have run to his side. Running from him was so strange, so horrifying. I couldn't help but blame myself. Could I have avoided this chase? Where did everything go wrong?
I changed the structure completely, but I still tried to include the same basic content from the original. The question at the end was a bit forced, but it can be omitted. I love the idea of placing it in the middle of the action, which I obviously didn't change. I did, however, change a bit of the scenery. For me, the image of a dimly lit path bathed in moonlight calls to mind a tranquil scene, or a mildly unnerving one at best. It isn't terrifying, like this should be. But the focus of the paragraphs is on the action, so I didn't feel there was much room for scenery, anyway. Describing everything as "quiet except for the... leaves..." is counterproductive. That level of silence doesn't create fear. What would instill terror would be to describe a deafening silence, filled with only the pounding of her own heartbeat and the racing of her own thoughts. But I decided against including that, as well, as it detracted from what I felt to be the purpose of the paragraph.
I also changed the way the information was presented. Instead of randomly stating, "I am Kaley White," at the end of the intro, I inserted dialogue that addressed her. By inserting this dialogue, I was also able to hint at his powers of suggestion and influence. I also changed the earlier mention of their relationship. I didn't want to outright state that "he wanted her dead even though she loved him." So, I just expressed it in a more natural way that didn't come off as quite so teachy-preachy.
You also change verb tense a lot in these short paragraphs. Stick to the past tense. "My breathing was coming in pants now," makes no sense chronologically. Then you switch from "I can" to "I took" in the same sentence. This is something to practice in your writing so that you don't have to do so much editing once it's over.
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The first chapter starts out with an inexplicable third-person blurb. I think this should be removed. Also, as I've stated many times throughout my short life, you should never spend so much time talking about a character's appearance in a single paragraph. Ideally, the appearance should come together from pieces of information scattered throughout the work. It is the least important part of your character. You don't just stop at physical characterization, though. You go on to describe her as a loyal friend and a "nerd." Don't do all this. Just let the details come out naturally. We will discover things about her as the story goes on. Slow down.
Lines like, "You're wondering who he is, right?" and, "Well, you'll find out soon enough," should be omitted entirely. That's way too much of a fourth wall break. Also, we know we're going to find out. That's what the story is about. Take your time and deal with what's going on right now in the story. We'll find out about Xavier when we get there.
I'd take out the entire thing about ribbons and anime girls and uniforms and stuff. Also, seifuku have ties, as well. They are just different types of ties. They are not ribbons. Some seifuku have your average ties, as well. So, I don't think that's entirely accurate. I'd take it all out.
Again, slow down the characterization. Don't go so fast. We'll find out how Xavier looks later on.
I like the addition of his creepy stare. It's cool. Keep it.
The dialogue is really unrealistic. It also needs punctuation so that we can read the actual voice. Without punctuation, it feels robotic and unnatural.
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The characters sure do open up to each other. They tell each other way too much information in their first conversations. Also, they ask too much information from each other. The interactions themselves are not genuine at all.
Nikole muttering something about "stupid soul mate bonds or something like that" is not a good addition. Leave it out or change it a lot. You hint at things way too much.
Also, your chapters are too short. Group all relevant scenes together to make a chapter. Each chapter should have its own little story arc. These chapters are disjointed and never really come to an end. They just lead into each other forever.
"Xavierhasthesameclassandsaidsorryand..." should never ever be done. Please do not do this. It takes up so much time and space and is very unprofessional.
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Character Analysis:
At this point, I'll take a break to analyze your characters.
First we have Kaley White. What do I know about Kaley White? I know that she is extremely rich, as she says that her parents are "loaded" and "very well known." Her mother is a world-famous fashion designer, and her father is a successful lawyer-- also, he is a vampire. Her best friend, Nikole, is also loaded. Also, Nikole is a fairy. And Kaley is a vampire-human hybrid. Kaley is also beautiful, a straight-A student, and an artist. She is into anime. Her love interest is a type of being that is out to get her kind.
Then, we have Nikole. Nikole is a rich fairy-girl. Nothing much else to say about her, but she's also beautiful.
Xavier Stevens has an odd first name and a super-mundane last name. He is extremely "hot" and "handsome," as stated by our main girls. He has powers that enable him to enchant Kaley, OR he and Kaley share a special bond out of destiny. He is mysterious and brooding.
At this point, your character designs need some serious overhauling. Each character needs some flaws. Honestly, everybody being rich is really off-putting. Seems like everybody is rich and has no flaws. Kaley doesn't need to be all those great things at once. She can be an artist who struggles with her grades; she can be a straight-A student with immobilizing perfectionism; she can be a middle-class girl with dreams of being a star. You know, don't make everything so perfect. Her dad is also a vampire and a famous lawyer. How do you hide that? Her dad should have a work-from-home job or something where he takes night shifts. It has to make some sense.
Anyway, I'm far from finished with this. I'll continue as soon as I can. I hope I've given you some things to think about! Happy writing. :)