A/n: I legit barely have internet connection rn and it's so frustrating. Oml I realised I've been writing stat instead of state.
Jimin's POV
Is it weird to think about someone constantly, even when your mind is taking a rest while sleeping? Because every single time I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, his face is the first that always appears. I'm always dreaming about Taehyung.
Again I ask, Is it weird? I don't know.
I've often dreamt about his unique rectangle smile, his bright laugh that always sounds like a bubbly giggle, and even things I've accept to most likely never happen, like peppering loving kisses on his cheek every second I could while cuddling.
I can't really help dreaming that either, I've tried to stop so many times for it to come to no avail.
Tonight, I assume it was because his overpowering alluring scent was conquering my senses while he came to sleep with me, that my dream about him became more vivid than usual; feeling so much more real.
It was the same place I've been sleeping since the the beginning of summer, nothing has physically changed about it, but still, it felt different. It felt more, aesthetic. When I unlocked my tired eyes so they could open, there he was, like a wish coming true after I had wished upon a shooting star.
He face was so close to mine, and he stared so deeply at me, like my awful sleeping face was so intriguing that he wanted to save it to memory. I had moved to get a better view of his stunning features, causing him to become aware that I was waking up. His already gorgeous, wide smile grew wider when he noticed my consciousness was appearing.
"Good morning sleepy head," He whispers playfully at me with a giggle from him blessing my ears, him poking my nose with his slender finger.
All I do is stare. Stare at his adorable way of talking, how his eyes spark with happiness as he has all his attention only on me, and how he looks just as beautiful in my mind compared to his looks in person.
My heart begins to beat in quicker intervals, and I fear that this isn't good. I'm starting to fall for him much more than I already have.
As I had admired him longer, his playful smile faded into an innocent pout, only to become a confused gaze. Then I watched as that confused stare, just turns into a worried expression. Words where about to leave his pretty lips, but he locks them away before I was able to hear them. I feel the bed shift, with him moving to come off it.
To leave me.
Don't leave is what goes through my head urgently, but he's not listening to my feeling as he continues to get up. Why can't I control my dream.
His feet make contact with my wooden floor, but I didn't want it to end here. I didn't want to go back to reality yet.
I didn't think, causing my hand to extend quick to his skinny wrist and pull him back to me. A little yelp stayed back in the air where he had stood, his body leaving it to come to me. I don't even know if my hug was so tight that it suffocated him, but I knew it was tight enough. I trapped him in my embrace, like a prisoner caught in the bars.
He wasn't going to escape me.
For some time he was just completely tense, creating a feeling of worry to start engulfing my body. But after a while, like butter warming, he melted into my embrace that surrounded him.
His arms loosened from stiffness and gradually wrapped around my waist. I feel him snuggle into my chest as I stroke his soft, dark locks, with the tickling sensation of him quietly breathing on me from the closeness.
I don't want this to end.
"I love you," I whisper into his ear closes to my heart, continually combing my hand through his precious hair. His grip on the back of my shirt tightens as he ducks his head deeper into my chest to hide his face, his ears growing ten shades darker in red.
I chuckle at his cuteness, how he holds onto me like a shy puppy, but my little laugh gradually dies out to only become a weaker smile. My petting of his hair becomes slower in pace, until it just sits still on his head. I love this, I really do.
But I know it's not real.
I know most of the time my mind fishes out what would make me the happiest during the night, but during day it doesn't have that strong of a power. I close my eyes because I know,
I know when I wake up this would all be gone. My feeling for him will only be constantly growing stronger by my wishful visions, and his would only stay the same for me.
I know Taehyung loves me, but it isn't the same love I feel for him. And I know when I close my eyes again, time will foreword, and this will all disappear. None of this would've happened.
So I can't tell anyone about these dreams, all I can do, is keep it to myself.
And I'm okay with that.
I'm fine with how things are, I really am; and to be honest, I'm actually terrified to try and change what we already have. The only problem is, I'm just not sure how longs I'll be able to compress my evolving feelings.
My eyes flicker open to a dimmer room; less magical, less enchanting. No birds were singing with no wind blowing causing the curtains to not dance for me.
Taehyung was not snuggled into my embrace like before, in fact, he was nowhere in sight, and the painful knowledge of why he wasn't there made a faint bitterness to ascend inside of me.
A sigh abandons my dry, morning lips as I cover my eyes with my arm in disappointment. I don't know if I'm about to cry or not, and his scent that's overwhelming me isn't helping me stay strong. He's so close, yet so far to reach.
I said I'm okay with it, and part of me believes that, but selfishness can be more convincing.
I want him. I want him badly.
Not just that friendship relationship is going to satisfy for long. I want all of him.
But I won't let myself have him, because I'm unsure. Unsure on how things will play out in the end. Right now, I consider his feelings more, drowning out my own.
I won't be selfish.
And I'm sure he doesn't like me like that, I don't think he ever will.
My throat begins to throb from my emotions chocking me, so I take a deep breath to calm myself down, swallowing hard to keep it all in. Keep in all my overflowing feelings.
I need to get myself together quick, because when I walk out there, I don't want my developing depression to rub off on him. If I act like my old self again, nothing should change.
Everything should stay the same.
---
I come out of hiding in my room to finally face him, though I close my door softly so no one knows about my presence yet. I've composed myself, making sure to show no signs of weakness and only fuel up on happy pills.
I peek around the corner of the hallway, spotting Taehyung's back to me as he sits on a tall stool next to the island counter in the kitchen. I don't see my mom darting around trying to make something for us to eat, and I become more focused on that. Where is she?
"Hey Tae," I suddenly call his name, causing him to get startled and accidentally spill his orange juice. He becomes a nervous wreck trying to figure out how to clean it up, and I'm struggling on chocking back my laugh."I'm sorry," I chuckle as I give up on keeping it in, his jumpy behaviour causing me to crack since I found it adorable.
I make my way into the kitchen, grabbing a handful of paper towels as I cleaned up the spill opposite from him.
He mumbles "it's okay", and when I look up at him, he's tenser than usual with his gaze straight to the ground. My smile fades faster than it should, and the bright feelings I had gathered to cover my depression starts to deplete quick. Is he avoiding eye contact with me?
"Where's my mom?" I question with less enthusiasm in my voice as I stop moving, my self-composedness crumbling a little.
"She left with your dad to go somewhere for a night," he mumbles once again, not looking me in the eye as he talks.
He's acting distant, and I don't know why. He's not even making eye contact with me. Did I do something that offended him? Did I say something that hurt his feelings? I need to know, because I'm becoming insecure.
"Taehyung I want to go somewhere with you," I bluntly state to him, not even asking him if he wants to go.
"Where?" He murmurs, again no eye contact.
"A tree, it's in the middle of the woods and we'll go later today okay?"
He does nothing, at least nothing concerning me, because once again, all his attention is directed to the floor. He's not looking at me. Why?
Anxiousness takes the wheel as I make my way around to his side, turning his chair so that his body is facing me directly. Shifting my weight to my arms, I try and look up to him from his slouching position, trying to look into his eyes.
"Taehyung what's up, why aren't you making eye contact with me?"
He doesn't make the little distance with his eyes to look at me when I ask so I get up closer to his face, but once I did, he stiffens at me getting closer. Is he scared of me?
His hand reaches for my chest to softly pushes me away from him, and though it was a gently shove, it still hurt me mentally.
He must have peeked at me to see the sadden expression taking my face, because he starts to stutter trying to explain. "Uh, sorry I was just wondering how your so calm and be able to talk to me so easily after what you said."
"What did I say?" I question try to hid my desperate tone of voice, wanting to know the reason behind his distance.
"What?" He asks, finally looking into my eyes for the first time this morning, his eyes flashing with a slight glisten. "You don't remember what you said to me?"
I try to think back, but all that comes back is a blank slate. I shake my head no to his question. His face starts to fall, and I caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes.
What did I say to him? All I remember is letting him sleep in my room, and waking up to him gone. Maybe I said something that hurt his feelings? I don't know what it is, but I guess I should apologise. I'm causing him to become gloomy.
"Taehyung I'm sorry," I quickly start to apologise, not sure on what to say to make him feel better. " I can't really remember but I didn't mean what I said. I was half asleep, you know? Uh whatever I said, can you just forget it?"
Just like before, he keeps his gaze to the ground, shadows covering his eyes. "So you, didn't mean what you said?" He asks with a little voice crack taking the smoothness.
"No," I say firmly, trying not to hesitate on my answer.
Something starts dripping.
Something clear is dripping from his face, and he starts to slightly shake in place.
"Taehy-," I question as I shift my body to look up to him, but stop calling him mid way when I see his expression.
Silent tears were falling from his eyes.
My heart starts to ache when I see them, and when he noticed that I knew he was crying, he tried to wipe away the evidence. Did I say something wrong again? Why is he crying?
"Taehyung don't cry," I try to comfort him, but he moves away before I could reach him. He looks so vulnerable at the moment, and I hate that I'm the cause of it. "What's wrong?"
"I'm fine, it's nothing, my eyes are just sweating." He tries to do a little laugh with his statement, but it comes out weak, only to sound like a saddened cry. " I'll just go in my room now."
He swiftly turns back to the bedroom side of the house, but I can't leave it like this. I'm worried about him, about what I did to him to make him shed tears. I can't leave it like that.
"Taehyung seriously what's wrong?" I persist as I chase after him and grasp his wrist, but he harshly rips his arm away from my grip.
"Im fine! Just," he says inhaling a shaky breath in. "Leave me alone."
I stand there speechless on what to say, an unknown guilty feeling arising through my body.
---
He had fled back into the guest room that we had lend him before, ignoring my room that he wanted to stay in so desperately last night. It started to rain, pouring so much that it sounded like thousands of heaving fist pounding against the house. Ive never been fond of rain, but since there nothing better to do when it's raining than to think,
I started thinking.
And continued thinking.
Thinking about what I might've done to him to make him cry so much. What I could do to make him smile his beautiful box smile again, but in the end, nothing came in sight of what I could've done to and for him. Maybe I'm just a dunce, I don't know, but I know that I can't understand until he explains it to me.
Everything goes dark. I become frozen.
Fear latches onto me like a parasite as my vision becomes a black haze, with a dim gloom from the outside peaking in on the inside.
The power went out.
Fear is crawling through my bones.
It's been a couple of hours, and I couldn't tell what time it was since the rain already made the atmosphere dim.
So I go to talk to him again, hoping that this was long enough to leave him alone.
I knock but he doesn't answer, and I continue knocking for a while but he doesn't open it. I grab the handle, trying to rip it open but it doesn't budge. He locked it.
He locked me out.
It's so dark, and it's raining. I'm scared.
My past is coming to take me again.
"Taehyung please? I'm sorry please open the door!" I cry as urgency floods my tone. I can't hear him moving because the rain is drowning out all noise. It's probably drowning out my cries too. That's what I hate about rain.
It makes sure no one can hear your calls.
And it gives me the same feeling, the feeling of being alone that even you think you don't exist. I really do hate being alone. The rain makes the place spread darker, and I started to become more anxious.
I need someone.
My parents aren't home, they never used to be when I needed them. I need someone.
I need Taehyung.
I force myself to move and get the key from my dad's office that opens all doors in the house. Once I get back to what's blocking me from Tae, I fumble with the keys in my hand, but eventually unlocks.
I go in, but I don't see him. All that I see, is the wind blowing the curtains through the opened window. The frightening thing is, that it was an opened window, on the bottom floor, of a two story house. He had escaped. He escaped me.
Just like my parents, he left me alone.
But,
The only difference is
That I won't let him do that to me.
I need him.
I have to find Taehyung.