Crying.
My father was crying. I caught him on the back balcony. I immediately hugged him. I have no idea why he's been crying.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"I've been thinking about the thing you said about Sam's mother." he tells me, "I feel like I'm a horrible father."
"You didn't leave us." I say and rub his arm.
"But I never tried to see you until you became a teenager. It didn't cross my mind how I'd be hurting you guys." he tells me.
"We had Uncle Liam to cry on." I say quietly.
"I know but I wish I was there, I missed you guys growing up." he says as tears stream down his face.
I sigh, "Well you aren't missing anymore of it."
"I know, I know." he says as his lip trembles.
I close my eyes and hold back tears. I walk away and sit in my room quietly crying.
***
My father woke me up the next morning, very early.
"I want to have some father daughter time." he says.
"I'll be downstairs soon." I say groggily.
He shuffles out of my room. The steps creek as he walks down them.
I get out of my bed slowly and get changed. I walk downstairs to find no one. I look outside to find my father in his car. I slide on my untied shoes by the door. I walk outside without a coat and I begin to shiver. I quickly go back inside and grab my winter jacket. I close the door behind me and I go to the car.
***
My father and I walk through a graveyard searching for his fathers name. He finds it and crouches near it, "I never really had the chance to say goodbye or introduce him to you." my father tells me in a shaky voice.
I crouch down next to him and he begins talking, "Father, I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye and that I didn't make it to your funeral. You were such a great dad, you know. Anyways, you never got to see Skylynn, but I want to introduce her. Dad, this is Skylynn Evelyn Styles."
I look at my father and his lip begins trembling and it's not from the coolness that fills the air. Tears.
"I know how Sam feels!" my father says, "I know exactly how he feels and maybe just maybe I can help that kid get through what he's going through. It's rough losing someone you grew up to love.
"Skylynn hasn't be through that yet, father. I don't want her to experience any of this yet, it's a horrible feeling. Dad I love you so much. I hope you know this." My father grips his dad's grave and rests his head gently on it sobbing into it, "Dad why'd you leave?"
I was the one comforting my father now. I hug him tightly in the cold air, "Dad it'll be alright. Why don't we go home?"
"I want to stay here for a bit longer." he tells me.
I listen and sit criss crossed on the ground.
****
What I thought would be minutes turned into hours. I'm shivering now. My father is still crying on his dad's grave. He was no apologizing for being a horrible person and son.
"Dad, I'm freezing. I think we should leave." I say.
"Alright." he says getting up. He wipes off mulch that clung to his jeans.
He helps me up and I then wipe my butt off because of the uncomfortable mulch.
We get in the car and he turns on the heat.
***
I sit in the living room quietly with my grandmother, aunt and dad. My brother is over at his friends house.
Breaking the silence is my fathers phone. He pulls it out of his jean pocket and answers it. I hear a voice yelling into the phone.
"What's wrong, Niall?" My father asks, concern filling his voice, "she what?" His eyes go wide.