Chapter Eighteen
Jacob watched his brother sleeping on the train that afternoon. He still couldn't seem to wrap his mind around everything that had happened. He had killed a man. Jacob had never before killed anyone. He had always thought that killing someone automatically made a man a murderer and a bad person. But if he hadn't killed Otis then Ellie would be dead....
Jacob realized that his beliefs his whole life had been wrong. Both Ellie and Brody had helped to teach him that. Ellie may have lied and used people to get what she wanted but it was because she herself was being used. She hadn't had a choice and she what she had done did not make her a bad person.
Brody had killed countless men. Some in self defense, others for revenge... But he was a good man. He had been willing to sacrifice himself to save those he cared about with no questions asked and without any hesitation. Brody was none of the things that Jacob had always accused him of being. He wasn't selfish, irresponsible or arrogant. He was the most self-sacrificing, strong and responsible man that Jacob had ever known.
Jacob looked around the fairly empty train. The doctor had patched up Brody's leg and arm and had tried to tell the man that he needed to rest for a day or two to let his wounds set, but of course Brody had grumbled at that request and said it was time to go home to his wife. The doctor had also let the women clean up and had patched up Ellie's neck. The sisters were curled up together in their seats, also sound asleep.
Jacob let out a sigh and looked back at Brody who was now awake and watching him, "You know it ain't right to sit and watch another man while he's sleeping. Makes a man feel a little out of sorts to tell you the truth."
Jacob frowned and dropped his gaze to his knees. Brody grumbled under his breath and sat up a little straighter, wincing at the aching in his arm and leg, "What's wrong?" he grunted. Brody would honestly rather get shot again than get into a discussion about feelings with his brother but he could tell the man needed to talk.
"Otis almost killed her Brody and it was because I was foolish."
"How do you got that figured?" Brody asked.
"I left her outside alone. I didn't realize how much danger we were really in and he got his hands on her. Then those men came and I didn't even help you. I wasted all my bullets and almost got you killed. I'm about as useless as tits on a boar hog."
Brody shook his head at his brothers self loathing. Jacob had always been too hard on everyone, including himself, and he was damn professional when it came to complaining, "Jacob, it ain't your fault that you don't know much about fighting or the real dangers of lawless men. You took after pa. Do you think pa would have known how to handle himself out there? You and pa are peace loving men and that's a good thing. If everybody in the world was like me, the whole world would already be dead. Now quit beating yourself up. It's over, we're all alive and we're going home."
"But..."
"Dammit, Jacob, I'm sore and I'm tired. You are a good man. You killed Otis and saved Ellie. And since I'm your brother, I had your back for the rest of it. Now get some rest and let me sleep so I can forget for a while that I'm shot all to hell and riding in a damn train. I hate trains," Brody leaned back in his seat and covered his face with his hat.
Jacob couldn't help but chuckle. Brody might be a man willing to die for those he cared about but he was also an ass, who had no time or patience for anyone who felt sorry for themselves. Mama had been the same way when it came to that. She always said there were enough other people in the world to feel sorry for and you didn't need to waste time feeling sorry for yourself.
Brody was right. Jacob was good at handling the crops on the ranch. He was a fair hand at wrangling cattle and he had good patience when it came to taking care of his sisters, but he didn't have the kill or be killed skills or the ability to protect a wife and children.
His gaze went to Ellie and lingered on her sleeping face. He would make sure she was taken care of, even though he knew he was not the man who would be her husband. He didn't deserve her and he couldn't keep her safe. He had promised her forever and then turned his back on her at the first test of that vow. It broke his heart but he would make sure she had a place too live, food to eat and clothes to wear. When the time came, he would stand there and force a smile onto his face when she found the man who could love her the way she deserved.
That man just wasn't him.
***
"You sure that you're up for a few hours on a horse?" Ellie asked skeptically as Brody limped over to the horse the livery man already had saddled.
Brody raised his brow, "That's insulting," he drawled slowly.
Ellie held up her hands, "Sorry. I'm not used to seeing someone get shot twice and then ride off like nothing happened," she muttered apologetically, "What if you rip your stitches open?"
Jacob chuckled as he helped Liza and Ellie up onto their horses, "When it comes to Liz, nothing stops Brody from getting to her. Not even good old fashioned common sense."
Brody glared at all of them as Liza giggled, "Even the girl is laughing at me. I should have left the damn gag in her mouth," Brody grumbled. He pulled himself up into the saddle, careful to hide the pain in his arm and leg and then started down the road.
"Is he truly okay?" Ellie asked Jacob.
Jacob smiled though she noticed that he didn't look in her eyes, "Of course. He's always been cranky. And when he's missing Liz, it just gets worse."
***
It was nearly dark when they finally arrived back at the ranch. Sally and Susie were sitting on the porch when they rode up, "Jacob! Brody! How dare you take off and not tell us where you were going? We was worried to death that something would happen to you!" Sally exclaimed angrily from where she was sitting with her leg propped up on a log.
"Yeah, and what would you have done to help? Yell from your chair?" Brody asked with a smirk and Sally's eyes narrowed. "Calm down, little sister, I've had my leg broken, remember? I know it ain't no fun."
"Brody, you're all bloody." Susie wrinkled her nose at sight of the blood covering Brody's dirty shirt and pants.
"Yeah, I got shot." Brody lit a cigarette. "Where's my wife?" he asked, ignoring the look of awe on Sally's face and the shock on Susie's.
"At your house. And she's just as grumpy as you are," Sally replied.
"See you all later," Brody called and without waiting for a response he rode off quickly.
"You brought her back?" Sally sneered, turning her attention back to Jacob and glaring at Ellie.
Jacob nodded as he helped Ellie and Liza off their horses and handed all the reins to Frank who quickly walked off to the barn, "Yes. She works here and her sister is going to be staying with us for a while too." He nodded at Liza. "Susie, Sally, this is Liza. Liza these are my sisters."
"Is she a damn con artist too?" Sally demanded.
Before Jacob could scold her, Liza stepped forward, "No, but if you keep insulting me and my sister, I'll break your other leg."
"Liza..." Ellie scolded. Jacob hid his laugh behind his hand, as did Susie.
Sally appeared angry for a moment as she studied Liza carefully and then she shrugged, "You might just be alright," she relented with a smile. Jacob shook his head. Sally was too much like Brody for her own good. He turned his attention back to Ellie, "We're out of rooms, Ellie. Can Liza bunk with you?"
Ellie nodded, though she was disappointed to hear the Jacob didn't want her to sleep with him. She had thought he had forgiven her and wanted to move forward with their relationship, "Yeah, of course she can."
Jacob walked up onto the porch and scooped Sally up into his arms. "Come on. it's time for bed."
Ellie watched him walk inside with Susie on his heels. Obviously the girl didn't want to be alone with her and Liza, "Come on, Liza. I'm not sure about you, but I'm tired."
Liza yawned, "I could sleep."
***
"Brody...." Elizabeth sighed with relief as she saw him riding in. She ran from the porch and he jumped from his horse and took her in his arms. He held her so tightly that she found it hard to breathe, "Brody, I can't breath," she gasped.
He loosened his hold, slightly, and pressed his lips against her ear, "Please just let me hold you. I just want to hold you," he whispered with desperation.
Elizabeth wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him. They stayed this way a long time. Simply standing in the moonlight while the crickets chirped around them. Finally Brody released her and that's when she noticed the blood on his clothes.
"What happened?" she demanded. "Are you okay? Is everyone else okay?"
Brody nodded, "Everyone's fine. I got shot is all."
"Is that all?" Elizabeth asked dryly as she rolled her eyes. She saw the haunted look in his eyes and it scared her. "Brody, what's wrong?"
Brody rubbed his face with his hands, "He was just a kid, Elizabeth. He was just a damn kid."
Elizabeth frowned, "Who was a kid?" Brody told her about everything that had happened and she laid a gentle hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into her hand, "You had to kill him, Brody. You didn't have a choice."
"Maybe if I hadn't scared him so bad at the house....."
"Stop. Just stop. You did what you had to do."
Brody looked at her and saw the tears filling the emerald green depths of her eyes. He frowned. Elizabeth was not a woman who cried very often, "What's wrong"
"I almost lost you," she choked oud, "Again."
Brody crushed her body against his and kissed her hair as she clung to him and shook desperately, "You ain't gonna lose me, cowgirl."
"Make love to me, Brody." she whispered as she gazed up at him.
"Elizabeth, I'm filthy," he argued as he kissed her forehead.
Elizabeth brushed her lips against his jaw, "You're alive and I want to feel you, Brody. I want to feel you inside of me."
Brody kissed her, with every ounce of love and passion he had. His mouth branded hers with heat. He knew he couldn't tell her no. He wanted to feel himself inside of her. He needed to feel her loving hands on him and know that she loved him despite the wrong he did. To know that even though he didn't deserve her, she was still standing by him. He scooped her up into his arms, ignoring the pain in his arm and leg and carried her up to their bedroom.
Brody sat Elizabeth on her feet and he watched her as she slowly undid his vest and shirt and slid both to the floor. Her fingertips danced across him leaving trails of flames on his bare skin.
"I don't deserve you." Brody whispered as he slid her nightdress from her lightly muscled shoulders and kissed the soft skin beneath.
She trembled beneath his lips, "Mr. Atkinson, if you knew how much I love you it would leave you speechless," she replied as she slipped the nightdress from her body.
Brody lowered his mouth to her tiny breast and heard her gasp of pleasure. He looked up to see her watching him and he smiled, "You already leave me speechless."
***
"So are you in love with that man?" Liza asked Ellie as they lay together in the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Ellie nodded, "Very much so."
"Then how come he never came to tell you goodnight?" Liza questioned with a frown.
"Because I messed things up. He loves me but I don't think he knows what to do about it because he doesn't trust me anymore."
Liza was silent a moment, "Maybe you should go to him."
Ellie rolled onto her side to face her sister, "No."
"Why?"
"Because he might turn me down and I couldn't take that. I knew there was a good chance that Jacob and I wouldn't work out. After all I was pulling a con for Otis when I met him," Ellie admitted.
"I still can't believe that you lied to me about that!" Liza declared accusingly. "I thought you got a job as a seamstress!"
Ellie wrinkled her nose, "You know I can't sew. You're just gullible. I didn't want you to worry about me anymore."
"Are you really going to keep living here even if he doesn't want to be with you?" Liza asked.
Ellie frowned and stared up at the dark ceiling. Leave it to Liza to point out the painful truth, "I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'm just glad that we don't have to worry about Otis anymore." The sisters lay in silence a while longer and then Ellie looked at her. "What about the boy that you liked back in New York?"
"Oh him?" Liza snorted, "Apparently I wasn't the only beautiful girl he knew."
Ellie frowned and patted her arm, "Sorry."
"No big deal. I'm only twelve after all. I'm not an old maid like you," Liza teased.
Ellie smiled but inside her heart was breaking. Old maid is exactly what she was and that was probably all she would ever be.
***
Ellie waited until Liza was asleep and then slipped from the bed. She walked out of the house and went to stand beneath the giant oak beside the river. The peaceful water made her wish that her own life could have known that kind of tranquility.
She crossed her arms over her chest and didn't hear anyone approaching her until a throat cleared behind her. She jumped and turned to see Jacob standing there with an apologetic smile on his face, "I didn't mean to scare you," he said gently. "Is Liza okay?"
"Yes, thanks to you and Brody," Ellie replied as she looked back out over the water.
Jacob came to stand beside her, "Are you okay?"
Ellie laid her hand over the bandage on her neck and shook her head, "I can't sleep. I just keep feeling that blade pressed against my skin."
"I shouldn't have left you out in that saloon alone. I just didn't know what I would find upstairs and I didn't want you getting hurt," Jacob replied.
She laid a gentle hand on his arm, "It wasn't your fault. It's over now. We're all okay."
Jacob looked down at her hand and then let out a long breath, "Ellie, I've been thinking and I can't be your husband."
Ellie felt her heart, which had been healing, shatter apart yet again and fall in broken pieces at Jacob's feet, "What? Why? I thought you forgave me?"
"I do forgive you," Jacob's voice was thick with emotion, "I'm not the man you need, Ellie. I'm not cut out for marriage. I'm better at being alone and taking care of my sisters."
"What happens in a few years when your sisters get married?" she demanded as she jerked her hand away from him.
"I'll have my niece and nephew." He looked back at the water, "I'm not the man you need, Ellie."
"You said that already," Ellie snapped, her temper spiking, "Shouldn't that be up to me to decide?"
Jacob shook his head, "No. I don't have the loyalty you need. The only people I've ever been loyal to are my sisters. I don't have friends and my own brother and I don't speak much. I have a tendency of turning my back on anyone who falls short of my impossible expectations and that makes me an ass. You don't deserve to have a man like me for a husband, Ellie. You'll have a place to live and a job here for as long as you want it but if you'd rather live in town, I'll pay for your room there."
"I thought you loved me?" Ellie whispered as silent tears fell down her cheeks.
Jacob swiped at a tear running down his own cheek and nodded, "I do. That's why I'm letting you go. You deserve someone a heck of a lot better than me. Someone who can provide for you, protect you and love you unconditionally."
With that Jacob turned and walked back to the house, leaving Ellie standing there praying that the last ten minutes had been nothing but a dream.