I would like to thank @ dear.evxn.hxnsen on Instagram for an idea I used in this chapter. I asked for permission first and of course of I want to give credit as well. I won't say what the idea is so I don't spoil anything, but I'll say it at the end. Thanks again!
Also can we talk about that drawing. I love it so much omg.
TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, talk of self harm, self hate, mention of suicidal thoughts, sorta suicide attempt.
All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
I swear things will get happier, it's just rough right now!
THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. READ AT OWN RISK. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SADDEST CHAPTER OF THE BOOK PROBABLY.
"Hey." Connor's voice broke, Evan's heart skipping a beat at his beautiful voice.
Shit
"P-please don't worry." Evan whispered, freezing his muscles so he couldn't move. The last thing he wanted to do was quickly move, startling Connor into tackling him. Because if Connor tackled him, his mom wouldn't allow Connor near him again. Or worse, she would know about how broken Evan was.
"Um, do I need to?" Connor asked, moving Evan's feet on the couch. He sat down, his friend curling in on himself, closing himself off.
"N-no..."
Don't bother him, don't bother him.
"I think I do. Do you want to um, talk somewhere else? I'll talk to your mom, she seems to like me. Fucking weird huh?" He joked, trying to lighten the mood.
"I-I want to go s-some w-where." Evan stuttered out, his mind racing with everything his mom could say.
She won't let me go, we have school tomorrow. If I can't talk to Connor then you are going to be done. Be done with everything.
"Be right back." Connor whispered, resisting the urge to kiss Evan on the cheek. He wasn't used to allowing himself to think so openly, but obviously his friend didn't want that.
Heidi was finishing the dishes, looking up when she saw Connor walk back in. "Is everything okay?" She asked, her smile fading. Senses told her that something wasn't right.
"Evan is freaking out a bit and didn't want to ask you to go, so... here I am I guess. I've never asked for anything like this before so..." Connor muttered, realizing how truly clueless he was when it came to asking permission. Usually he just left, yelling he was going out as he went through the front door. Or, he just snuck out through his window.
"Is he okay?" Heidi urged, making herself take deep breaths. She could hear Evan's feet battering upstairs, most likely getting his jacket. Nor Connor or Heidi could know what was happening, what he was actually doing.
"I don't know. But I'll keep him safe. I was planning to just drive around and go to this ice cream place go to. I won't crash this time, last time was... special. I won't let anything happen I-"
"Can we go?" Evan interrupted, sneaking into the kitchen. "Sorry, I'm sorry. That was rude I shouldn't have interrupted. I'm sorry."
"You can go, but back by 10? Or 11? I don't know, I've never made you a curfew before." Heidi smiled, hiding her worry for Evan's sake. He looked bad, his face swollen from tears, red cheeks.
"We won't be out late. Just a couple hours." Connor reassured, placing a light hand on Evan's shoulder. He winced, shying away from his only friend. Heidi watched them go, pushing back the tears in her eyes. She knew Connor wouldn't hurt her son, but that didn't mean Evan wouldn't hurt himself.
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Connor drove out of town, deciding to take back roads and the longest way possible to A La Mode. If Evan deserved anything right now, it was an ice-cream cone.
"I... really can't accept my feelings. I-I know I have... feelings for you..."
Freak
"B-but I h-hate m-myself for it."
Good
Connor's heart sank into his feet, anger swelling through his body. His breathing escalated, Evan noticing.
"I'm not mad about you not knowing how you feel. But just, stop fucking hating yourself!" Connor yelled, readjusting his focus to driving.
"Like you don't! You know it's not e-easy! Connor y-you cut! I used to! I still d-" Evan stopped, his eyes widening, his breath wheezing. Connor barely looked phased, the news unsurprising.
"I know. As you know, I do too. But, good! You yelled! You fucking needed that, Ev." Connor raised, surprising Evan with his reaction.
"I just... don't know... what t-to do." Evan stuttered, relieved when Connor pulled over the car. The Sun was setting, leaving some light left for the boys.
"Come on, we're going on a small hike to a lake. It's a quarter of a mile from here. I usually smoke alone there."
"O-okay."
The hike was uneventful, both taking a few minutes to cool down. Evan immediately laid down at the base of a tree, half of him wanting Connor to lay with him. His wish came true, his best friend wrapping an arm around him.
Connor pulled him close, tears pushing on his eyes as Evan began to weep into his chest. "Shh." He cooed, gently rubbing Evan's back. He rested his friend's head over his chest, right above his heart. "Listen to my heartbeat."
"W-what?" Evan whispered, seeming to refuse to move his face.
"Listen to my heart. When one person is panicking or upset, someone can hold them and sink their heartbeat with theirs." Connor explained, keeping his friend curled into his arms. He couldn't help but think back to the previous time this happened, the anger and anxiety resurfacing.
"I had... I wanted to... s-show you..." Evan mumbled, fumbling his unbroken hand into his pocket. He pulled out a bottle of pills, pushing himself away from Connor.
Connor shuffled away from the tree, fear consuming his body. He saw Evan suddenly turn into himself, the pills becoming a symbol of everything bad that could happen.
"What the fuck, Ev." Connor gasped, unsure of what to do. "What the fuck!"
"I-I don't think I'll die from what I took-"
"You took some?! Shit shit shit!" Connor yelled, yanking the bottle from his friend. He searched the label for the number of pills it contained, his heart sinking as he realized over half had to be missing. "Why didn't you fucking tell me before you did this! Get in the fucking car! Now!"
Evan shuffled to his feet, tears pouring down his face more than before. Connor had now let himself cry, his stomach lurching. They made it back to the car, having to stop once while Connor heaved and threw up his dinner. He couldn't believe this was happening, he couldn't even think about what was happening.
"I-I'm s-s-sorry!" Evan sobbed, feeling as though he needed to rip his heart from his chest. He ached, he hurt more than he thought he could.
You shouldn't have told Connor. You shouldn't have told Connor.
"Fucking hell!" Connor yelled, breaking nearly every traffic law as he began to drive to the hospital. He had been in this situation before. Only last time, he was in the passenger seat and he hadn't told anyone what was wrong.
"They c-can't take m-me away from my m-mom. T-they can't t-take me f-from y-you!" Evan exclaimed, his hyperventilating and medication finally taking over. His breathing slowed, the consciousness leaving his body.
"No no! Awake! Ev!" Connor panicked, pressing down the gas pedal. He could barely see with the tears running down his face, everything he knew crumbling apart. "Why the fuck do I ruin everything!"
No response. Evan was out cold.
Pulling into the Emergency Room parking lot, Connor put the car into park and ran inside. A thousand possibilities ran through his mind, pain throbbing in his chest.
"You have to help my friend. He tried to kill himself. Please, please help." He pleaded, standing in the middle of the waiting room. No one directly came to him until he spoke. Frantically, Connor led them to his car, watching as Evan's pale, sweaty body was moved onto a gurney. An oxygen mask was already strapped onto his face, the doctor's exchanging scared looks.
"Is there anyone we can contact, sir?" A nurse asked, placing a comforting hand on Connor's arm.
"His mom. She works here. Heidi Hansen." Connor whispered, his feet gluing to the ground. A man slowly walked over, carefully taking Connor's car keys away.
"Follow me, I'll bring you to our waiting room and call his mom."
"Is he going to be okay?"
"Are you family?"
"I'm his f- boyfriend. I'm his boyfriend."
"Okay, let's go sit down. Can I get you anything?"
"No." Connor whispered, emotions pouring through his body. For the first time in a long time, he began to sob. Hating himself for everything that could have happened.
This is all my fault.
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The head cannon from Instagram was synching their heartbeats together. Thanks again to them for letting me use it!