TRIGGER WARNING: internalized homophobia, swearing, mention self harm, self hate, suicidal thoughts with details.
All thoughts in italics are Evan's thoughts, unless implied to be Connors.
I promise I love Jared! He won't be a jerk for too much longer!
BREAKBREAKBREAK
Heidi Hansen came home from her errands, closing the front door as quietly as possible. Evan hadn't really had a friend over before, besides Jared, but she couldn't help but feel as though she needed to tiptoe.
The door to the living room was open, the back of Connor's head and part of the back of Evan's hair faced her. Her son was resting his head on Connor's shoulder, their arms presumably entangled together. For the first time in a long time, even though it was only part of the back of his head, Evan seemed truly at peace.
"Um, hey boys." Heidi interrupted, a small part of her heart sinking as she broke them up.
"Oh, uh, mom hi. We weren't, nothing was, I didn't mean-"
"What Evan means to say is we aren't dating, just friends. Hi, I'm Connor." Connor saved, reaching his hand for Heidi to shake. The way he looked at her, his eyes were full of fear.
"Hi Connor, I'm Heidi. We've met when Evan was in the hospital, but it's good to probably be introduced." She smiled, accepting his offer of the hand shake. "And Connor, sweetie, about what I saw on the couch-"
"I'm sorry." He cut off, causing Evan to be taken aback. Connor was apologizing to his mom, something he never expected to happen.
He really cares.
Pfft no.
"No no, I'm not mad. I just wanted to say that I'm okay with all of that. Evan talked to me and if he's happy, I'm happy. I really don't mind. You don't need to worry around here, it's alright." Heidi reassured, watching a smile grow on Evan's face. She hadn't seen him so happy in so long, it was refreshing.
"Oh, well, thank you." Connor smiled, glancing his eyes down. His sleeve was still rolled up, the new cuts sticking out like ugly sores. If Heidi noticed, she didn't point it out. It made Connor wonder if she had seen that on Evan before, his smile fading at the idea.
"Tacos good for dinner? I started before I left, but I doubt Evan continued." She teased, gently shoving her son's shoulder. Evan blushed a deep red color, even more than he did when he was with Connor.
"I- I can help. I'm n-not completely u-useless." Evan stuttered, a small laugh escaping his lips. Connor squeezed his shoulder, following Heidi through the door into the kitchen.
"I'll help, Ms. Hansen. I usually don't at home, my mom has some weird rules when it comes to food. That and my sister can f- screw off." Connor laughed, watching as Evan nervously eyed the knives set out to cut vegetables. They shared a look, exchanging words through their soft, brown eyes.
"I-I'll cut the peppers. And lettuce. And anything else that needs cutting." Evan nervously stammered, sounding like a child. Heidi raised an eyebrow, but handed over the knives and cutting boards. With his broken arm, the difficulty level was increased, but he still managed.
"Thanks for helping, but you really don't need to Connor. You are the guest." Heidi pointed out, frying some meat for dinner.
"I don't mind." Connor insisted, trying to make the best first impression he could. The smile and blush on Evan's face was far worth it.
-------------------
Dinner went smoothly, small talk being made over the food. Evan barely ate half a taco, Connor, on the other half, eating three. Heidi watched the two of the carefully, almost over watching Connor. She had noticed the cuts on his arms and didn't want Evan to fall back into that habit with concern. She didn't like Connor doing it either, but her first concern was her son.
When Evan was younger, he used to self-harm when Heidi wouldn't return home on time from her shifts. He would get so worried something happened to his mother that he couldn't take the pain, needing a way to physically release it.
"Connor, would you mind helping me with dishes? I want to talk to you." Heidi began, clearing away some plates to the table. She froze, rethinking how she phrased her question. "You're not in trouble, hun. I just have a few questions."
"Sure." Connor spoke a little too loudly, receiving a wince from Evan. He frowned, wanting to reach out and hold his adorable friend's good hand. "Sorry." He whispered, taking a deep breath to keep himself calm. Gathering plates in his arms, Connor followed Heidi into the kitchen, beginning to scrape food into garbage.
"I just wanted to tell you somethings." Heidi whispered, being sure Evan couldn't hear her. He had left the dining room to go to the living room, his off-brand phone in hand.
Connor raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. "What?"
"I saw your arm. And I want you to know that you can talk to me if you want. I'm a nurse so I can get you in with a therapist if you want or if this is a rare thing, we can start with me. I won't judge you." She dumped, taking a deep breath at the end of her ramble.
"Wow, that's generous of you. But, I have an anger issue. When I do things like this, I tend to scare people. My parents and sister think I'm high most of the time. I tried to kill myself a couple years ago and when I told my dad I was going to do it, he told me I wanted attention. My mom tried, rehab and all, but my dad insisted I didn't need it. Therapy isn't an option, Ms. Hansen." Connor confessed, wanting to kick himself for over sharing. There was something about Heidi Hansen that was just soothing, making it easy to spill your secrets.
"Then call me. You can call Evan and he can connect you to me and if it's not bad, talk to him. I just want you to know that Evan used to do what you do. He would get worried about me and do things to himself." Heidi persisted, beginning to actually wash the dishes.
"He used to cut?" Connor asked, sadly unsurprised. Evan did jump out of a tree after all.
"A lot. I'm not sure if he does now, he tends to distance himself from me with his mental health. It's to be expected of course, but I just don't want him to worry too much for you. He has help now, but I just don't want that to start again. I'm sorry Connor, you can reach out to him, just be careful."
"I will Ms. Hansen. I get your concern."
"Thank you. Honestly, I think you'll be good for him. Not the possible worry and such, but relationship wise. He only had Jared has a friend."
"And Jared's a half-assed fucker. I tend to curse a lot."
"It's alright, just something you can work on if you'd like. Jared's not perfect, but he's always been there."
"Guess so. You're really cool with me being gay and hanging out with Evan?"
"Of course! I don't see a reason why not. He did tell me everything, he rambles when he's upset. I know he's considering bisexuality. Again, if he's happy, I'm happy." Heidi reassured, the smile never seeming to fade.
"I'm usually not this soft." Connor informed, wanting to find Evan again. He felt over the moon, happier than he had been since he could remember.
"I can tell. But, I think you two would be cute. You can go sit with him, I'll finish up."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure."
Connor set the towel down, making his way through the dining room to the living room. Evan was laying on the couch, his face red from tears. Concern swelled through his body, curiosity consuming his mind. He looked scared, unwanting for Connor to proceed.
"Hey."
*Earlier after dinner*
Evan sat down on the couch, his phone in hand. Messages lit up the screen, messages from none other than Jared Kleinman.
Jared
Dude the girl I got to second base with at camp wants to come over.
Jared
Remember, my super awesome summer?
Evan
You lied about that right?
Jared
About what?
Evan
Second base
Jared
Why would I do that?
Evan
So you could be cool?
Jared
I'm not lying Hansen. How was your date with psycho?
Evan
Not a date.
Jared
Suure. Just you and your bf.
Evan
He's not my boyfriend.
Jared
Just screw him and make it official
Evan
Why?
Jared
Bc ur both gay as FUCK for each other
Evan
No...
Jared
Really, just do it.
No no no no NO! Evan, stop all of this now!
Evan
Jared, really, stop.
Jared
alright alright, keep your pants on
Evan
what
Jared
Nothing 😉
Evan
I'm not gay. I can't be
Jared
Okay don't go all homophobic on me
Evan
I shouldn't be gay
Jared
Didn't I say your mom wouldn't give a shit and still love u? Already ahead of my fam
Evan
You're not gay
Jared
Love is love babe. Rn I got a woman, one with good boobs.
Evan
okay cool
Jared
Have fun with Connor 😉
Evan
bye Jared
He's right, you shouldn't be homophobic to yourself.
But you're feelings are so wrong, freak. Why don't you go take all your-
No! Connor would-
Who cares?
I do, but-
Do it. Evan Hansen do it!
Evan made it halfway up the stairs before he stopped, his confusion settling him on the steps. He dragged himself back down, leaving his bottle of anxiety meds upstairs. No one could know of this, they would send him away.
He returned to the couch, furiously wiping the tears from his face. He couldn't help this confusion, this pain consuming every inch of his body.
Connor emerged from the dining room, a big smile plastered on his face. It quickly melted as he viewed Evan, concern knitting his brows instead. Evan mentally begged Connor to stay away, but he also wanted his friend to come closer. His emotions were too much, they were too overwhelming.
Don't talk, you'll just freak him out you self-absorbed mess of broken pieces. He can't see the real you, not even your mom. They'd just hate you too.
"Hey." Connor's voice broke, Evan's heart skipping a beat at his beautiful voice.
Shit.