I stared at the sunlight peeking through my blinds with stinging eyes. Everything felt surreal, likely because not only had I pulled an all nighter after drinking alcohol, but I'd also outed myself to my best friend in the worst way possible. I was unbearably in love with Liam. But I was going to bury that in an attempt to stay his best friend. I grabbed my phone and texted him.
'Liam, sorry again about last night. Call me when you get the chace.'
I reread the message and realized I'd made a typo. Maybe now wasn't the best time for him to call. I changed my message.
'Liam, I'm sorry about last night. I'll stop by your house to apologize in person when I'm feeling better. I love you.'
Letting out a crazed laugh, I deleted the last sentence, sent the message, then threw my phone across the room.
After grabbing my pillow, I screamed into it and bit back the tears. The night before, I had decided I'd fix this. Alex, don't fuck up now, I chanted to myself over and over. Everything was going to be okay.
He didn't reply.
A week passed before I went to Liam's house. I had a script written in my head: 'Liam, I am gay. You don't need to worry; I'm not interested in you. I only kissed you because I was drunk. Will you still be my best friend, my brother, and stand by me like always?'
Who could resist that? Liam wasn't prejudiced and I'd only kept it a secret from him because I didn't want him to make a big deal about me in the protective, caring way he always did. I just wanted to be gay in peace.
I rang the doorbell. Mrs. Santos had installed one that played a little tune. I used to get so excited as a kid when footsteps began to patter by the 4th beat.
The door opened and there was Mrs. Santos with Lily trailing behind her in a walker. I gave Lily a painted-on smile and waved.
"Hey, Alex?" Mrs. Santos gazed at me with curious eyes. "What brings you here?"
"I wanted to see Liam."
She tilted her head and replied slowly, "He's not home... Said he was hanging out with Jeremy?"
What the hell? There was no way he was playing video games, knowing I was freaking out over this with guilt. "Oh. Thanks," I mumbled out.
"Do you want me to call him? I'm sure he'll come over if I tell him you're waiting."
"No, thanks, Mrs. Santos. I'll just go over to Jeremy's." He wasn't telling Jeremy what happened, right?
As I walked down the street back to my house, I realized once again that I'd fucked up so badly. How could I apologize and explain everything if I couldn't even meet with him? I texted Jeremy to find out where they were and stared dumbfounded at the reply.
Jeremy: 'I'm not with Liam tho?'
Was Jeremy lying? Did Liam tell him what had happened? Or had Liam lied to his mom?
Riddled with anxiety, I waited a day and then sent Liam another text: 'Hey, I have something important to tell you. Can we meet?'
Still, no reply. Not to my texts. Not to my calls. Jeremy and Kareem claimed they didn't know what was up either, but he was replying to their texts. When I came knocking on Liam's door again, his mom looked at me sadly. "Alex, just give him some time, okay, honey?"
I looked at her blankly. Time for what? Had he even told her what happened? She patted me on the shoulder, and I figured if she did know, at least she didn't hate me. "Okay, just, uh... tell him I said I'm sorry." She nodded and I turned around as she closed the door, the sound of the latch simultaneous to the sound of another crack forming in my heart.
After a couple of days I thought maybe Mrs. Santos meant Liam needed time to figure out his sexuality. It had felt like an eternity that he didn't push me away. But as the weeks passed, I grew less confident in that theory. Still, I waited, trying to have faith that when Liam figured out whatever he needed to figure out, he'd come and talk to me.
I waited and I waited. Summer ended and we entered high school. Liam wasn't at the bus stop.
When the lunch bell rang, I texted him, Kareem, and Jeremy to find out about meeting up. Kareem replied with where they were sitting. Nervous about seeing Liam after being ignored all Summer, I took my time in the lunch line before heading to the table.
As I got closer, I noticed Jeremy and Kareem were there, but Liam was nowhere to be seen. "Uh, where's Liam?" I asked, placing down my tray and sliding into the seat.
"He went to the library," Jeremy answered. "Who the fuck goes to the library on the first day of school? And seriously, what is going on with you two? By the way, my girlfriend and her friends are gonna eat lunch with us."
On cue, Jeremy's girlfriend, Danielle, and her girls reached our table. The couple exchanged a kiss that brought memories to mind and tears to my eyes.
I blinked, fighting them back. "I don't feel well. I'm going to the nurse," I told everyone and got up without sparing them a glance.
***
It was a week of Liam sneakily avoiding me during lunch and him going to and from school by carpooling before I finally put my foot down. Monday morning, I found out where Liam's locker was, and right before lunch, stomped up to him. Seeing me, he flinched.
"We need to talk."
His eyes darted around and I wasn't sure if he was searching for a means to escape or making sure no one saw us.
"Or we could talk right here," I threatened, raising my voice a bit.
His eyes panicked and he closed his locker door then sighed. "Okay."
We entered a deserted classroom, and I closed the door behind us. Liam moved to the side of the room and peeked at the door. He didn't want to be seen. Taking a deep breath, I moved closer to him but kept my distance. I'd already planned my monologue the night before, and began while avoiding his eyes, "You probably already figured it out, but... I... I am gay." My eyes shot up to his as I quickly added, "But what happened the night of the party was a mistake. I don't have those feelings for you..." I could feel myself tensing as I spoke the last sentence. "I... I figured you didn't have a problem with gays, so... Or do you hate me now?" I croaked.
Okay, my plan was falling apart.
"I don't hate you, Alex," Liam assured without hesitation. There was a moment of silence. "I don't care that you're gay, but..." He took a deep breath. "I already know... you're in love with me."
Eyes like saucers, I gazed at him in disbelief. I wanted to deny it, but the sadness in his hazel eyes prevented me from lying any more. My eyes grew wet.
"We can't be friends anymore," he muttered, then shook his head. "We just can't."
A tear poured down my cheek, and I wiped it away. I hated how easily I cried. "Why did you let me kiss you?" I demanded angrily.
"I was in shock," he exclaimed. "I didn't know you thought that way about me until... then. And I... it... I realized." He ran a hand over his face. "You've liked me since we were kids, haven't you?"
Holding back a sob, I gnashed my teeth as my nails dug into my palms.
"I don't want to hurt you, Alex. I mean, I care about you more than anything. But I'm straight. I can't return your feelings."
"I don't need you to return my feelings! I just want you to be my friend." If he cared about me more than anything, why couldn't he do that? It was unfair.
"I told you, I can't!"
"Why not?!"
"We just can't, okay?!"
"Thefuckthat'snotareason!"
"It's because you like me! How can I stay friends with you when you like me?!"
I took a step away, feeling like I'd just been stabbed in the chest. Mouth agape, tears no longer falling, I stared as my brain went numb.
He covered his face and lowered his voice to normal volume. "Alex..." When he lifted his head, his eyes met mine. "I'm straight. I'm sorry."
"Would you like me if I was a girl?" I blurted without really thinking, making yet another mistake. "Would you date me?"
Liam looked at me, eyes pained. "Y-yeah..."
My jaw dropped and the tears ceased as anger filled me. "Fuck you, Liam."
"What do you mean fuck me?" he demanded with a glare. "You're the one who fucked everything up by kissing me!" He threw his arm out accusingly.
I roughly wiped my face dry. I knew he was right. But still, he was the one who was refusing to go back. How dare he blame me. "Fuck you, Liam," I spat again. "Don't you ever show your face in front of me again." I stormed out of the room, leaving Liam standing there by himself. What expression he wore, I didn't know. I didn't care.
He had hurt me and I would never forgive him. As much as I knew he couldn't help being straight any more than I could help being gay, I couldn't forgive him for saying that I had to be a girl for him to love me like I loved him.
And that as a boy, I couldn't be anything at all.