The next couple weeks were quiet.
Murdoc had been busy preparing the collaboration songs, and having something to do lately was keeping him from disturbing the peace. 2D wasn't acting very social either, either smoking somewhere in the house or out on the water. It was probably for the best that they needed some space, and I didn't particularly care if they left me alone considering there was a significantly less amount of arguing when everyone was busy. Murdoc had been showing signs of improvement as well, using a gentler tone with me when feeling upset, and even helping me with larger tasks when he was free.
Although being alone wasn't particularly ideal, I really did try my best to enjoy the quiet time I had—it was refreshing to not be around the boys. The only time we'd all sit down together and conversate was at dinner. Murdoc had been making us all sit at the dining room table to eat our food, which in turn made things awkward as none of us had much to say. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel slightly comforted by it though; eating dinner with our dysfunctional family brought me a small amount of wholeness.
Tonight was no different.
Before I made dinner, I took another couple pills. While the boys hadn't noticed the few missing bottles in the past month, I was still paranoid they were onto me. The last few weeks had been easier for me, coasting my way through most of the days while I got things done. Everything was going well, and as long as I could keep this up, nothing was going to change.
Turning off the stove, I took a deep breath through my nose as I finished making the dinner. My mind was hazy, and I stared at the cabinet over the counter for a moment before remembering what exactly I was looking for. Plates. I had to remind myself, opening the cupboard slowly before I grabbed out three.
The quiet voices of the boys rang softly from the living room, snapping me out of my thoughts. I listened closely as I heard them discussing lyrics on the couch.
"Like factories?" 2D asked, "What the hell does that mean?"
"It's—ah, it's like, well—you wouldn't get it anyway. You just have to sing the bloody thing, I don't know why you're whingeing about my lyrics, mate."
"A song about someone's 'rhinestone eyes' is... a bit romantic for our style, don't ya' think? What's that got to do with factories anyways? You looking to bring back the industrial revolution or something?"
"It's a metaphor, 2D. Like I said before, this album's about the pollution in our oceans and cities, how corporations are convoluted and unjust, running our lives while ruining the bloody environment. The mere concept of Plastic Beach is a metaphor in itself, we've been over this. Ah, just—we'll talk about it later." Murdoc muttered with a sigh, clearly giving up on explaining it to the boy. "Less important matters aside, I'm ordering a shipment for later this week, do you need anything?"
"A gun to shoot myself, preferably." 2D replied in a nonchalant manner. "Especially after doing my head in with all this environmentalist talk."
"Oh, come off it, ya' twat. Juliet!" Murdoc called to me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"Hm?" I hummed.
"Supplies coming this week. Does her Highness need anything?"
"Considering grey water likely runs through the tap, how about some water that's not contaminated with microorganisms and bacteria." I answered sarcastically, rolling my eyes. I added, "A one way ticket to New York City would work too."
To my surprise, he turned to his list and wrote it down.
"Tampons," I heard him mutter, "Diapers'll do, actually... And a pacifier."
"For you or her?" 2D asked.
"Oh, shut it, face-ache. Y'know, you..."
The ringing in my ears replaced their voices as I stared at the food I had made. My vision became blurry as my eyes slowly closed, and I took a deep breath through my nose. Forcing my eyes open, I placed my hand on my head as I felt for signs of a fever. My skin was unusually cold, and confusion fell over me.
"Juliet!" Murdoc called to me from the living room, quickly bringing me out of my haze.
"Y-yes?" I responded, glancing back at him.
"How's dinner coming—" His questioning tone quickly turned to one of concern as I saw him now standing in the doorframe, "All right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm... I'm fine." I slurred, the entire room spinning along with the fog in my head.
I coughed out an inhale as I shambled my way to the fridge, my breath turning to pathetic wheezes. Desperately, I scanned the fridge for water, to no avail.
"Oh, fuck." I leaned against the door of the fridge for support, nausea swirling in my stomach.
"You're fine, are you?" Murdoc asked as I felt his hand gently rubbing my back, "Get her some water, Stuart. Now."
"I'm gonna puke." I slurred weakly, nearly falling into Murdoc.
"You haven't been drinking, have you? Bloody hell, you're cold. Here."
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into a gentle hug, rubbing my back in a failed attempt to warm me. Every time I closed my eyes, they begged me to keep them closed. It felt as though the room turned upside down, and all I could do to keep my balance was to keep my eyes shut. Slowly, I felt less response from my body as I no longer had the ability to move. The abyss of unconsciousness had me in its frigid grip as I felt my body hit the kitchen floor.
***
With a shudder, my eyes snapped open.
Looking around at my surroundings, I noticed I was in my apartment. It was cold, and my bare legs began to shake as I folded my arms over my chest with a shiver. Every breath I could manage took an icy form in the air, the chill of the room much like a cold winter's night in New York City.
"Hello?" I called out into the apartment, my voice echoing as if I were in a tunnel.
There was no response to my call, and a perturbing feeling surfaced inside me. A state of eeriness rose in the space, and the sound of a door opening made me turn quickly on my heel. My eyes met the bathroom door as it swayed open; a small light shone from the inside, illuminating the dark room where I stood. The hairs on my neck stood on end as tears approached my eyes, the fear in my chest climbing up my throat.
My feet betrayed me as I began to walk towards the door, every step sending an icy shock rushing through my body. Memories of this night played through my head, and I nearly choked as I stopped myself from approaching the door any further.
"Ren...?" His name left a bitter aftertaste on my tongue.
No response once again, and with that realization I peered around the corner, into the bathroom. Nothing could prepare me for what I saw. Ren's lifeless body was slumped on the ground, his skin pale as a ghost. The approaching tears I tried so hard to fight back broke through, falling down my face and onto the floor. Panic washed over me as I ran to him, crouching down and pulling his face into my lap. His eyes remained closed as I desperately screamed for him to wake up, my voice echoing a thousand times into the night.
Nausea rose inside me as I felt the sudden need to throw up, and my feeble attempts to repress the feeling only made it worse. Before I knew it, I had my head hung over the toilet bowl as I began emptying my last meal into it.
***
Hands wrapped around me from behind as I continued to vomit, my body shaking dramatically. The room seemed to brighten as I opened my eyes a bit, and voices snapped me out of my haze.
"What the bloody hell happened?" Murdoc's voice echoed from behind me.
He seemed frustrated, his questioning tone directed at somebody next to him. Before I could bring myself to look, another fit of gagging into the toilet resumed.
"I-I don't know!" 2D snapped at him, concern present in his tone. "Why are ya' blaming me? I had nothin' to do with it!"
"Just-—shut up! Get the nasal spray from my toilet—the Narcan!"
"Why do you ha—"
"For you, bellend! Hurry!"
Their voices pierced my ears, a throbbing headache shooting through my forehead. I tried to groan but my body still was unresponsive, and I realized I was unable to move.
As I opened my eyes, the ring of a toilet greeted me. Holding my weight from behind me must have been Murdoc, his steady breathing calming my nerves slightly. As I finished puking I took a deep inhale, and I could feel his hand rubbing my back steadily. Murdoc's fingers ran through my hair as he pulled it back and out of my face, and I could hear his breathing hitch as I stopped throwing up.
"You're a goddamn idiot, Jules." I could hear him whimper from behind me, his voice hoarse.
Murdoc sounded, concerned. It was clear from the tone of his voice he was worried whether or not I was going to be okay, not because of himself this time, but because of my own stupidity. Now he's here, desperately trying to get me to come back, forcing me to puke up the pills I took. His voice sounded broken, like what was happening was somehow his own fault. Murdoc... wanted me alive.
Desperately I tried to respond, but my eyes were heavy and the words got lost before I could. Before I could lay my heavy head down to sleep, Murdoc already had his fingers in the back of my throat, forcing me to puke once again.
This time I woke up completely, and I grabbed the side of the bowl with both my hands. After I finished vomiting once again, I was thrown into a coughing fit as I fell back into my captor. A sigh emitted from him, and I was now fully aware of his shaky body beneath me. 2D must have entered the room, Murdoc beginning to move me off of him and onto the floor.
"Help me lay her down," Murdoc snapped at the boy in a worried tone. "Be careful with 'er!"
"I'm trying!"
Their yelling only made my splitting headache worse, and I felt my eyes close once again. Gently I was laid down onto the floor on my back, my head resting under Murdoc's hand. After hearing rustling to my right, a tube of some sort was quickly inserted inside my nostril. Before I could make myself wake up again, a fluid dripped down my throat, coating my sinuses thoroughly.
Several minutes of silence went by before I opened my eyes slowly, a sudden feeling of calmness washing over me. Finally able to move by myself, I took in a deep breath of air. When my eyes finally adjusted my gaze met Murdoc's, who was still leaning over me, holding my head.
"Murdoc..." My voice was small, barely audible.
He didn't respond, and his expression quickly changed. Anger could be seen in his eyes, and my body instinctively sat up, drawing away from him. Wincing as I did this, I placed my hand on my head to ease the throbbing I felt between my eyes.
"Guess I was wrong." Murdoc's voice was stern, riddled with so many emotions it was hard to tell what was real.
"Huh?" Is all I could manage, pushing my back up against the bathtub.
There was a moment of silence before he responded. "There's a good half-mile drop off the balcony just outside, and you opted for pills. Can't even do that right, can you?"
Confusion washed over me, and my eyes moved to the floor in embarrassment. Murdoc was oddly calm for someone who thought my overdose on pills was intentional. There wasn't any easy way to try and convince him otherwise, even though I knew it was my fault. I never meant for it to go this far.
"That's not what's going on..." I whispered, my gaze meeting his once again.
"You put on a good act, that's for sure." Murdoc bellowed, "So good in fact, I almost fell for it. Everything was fine, this—this was working. Yeah, but you wanted me to think that, right? So you could take a handful of pills to catch me off guard? You really rather be dead—"
"Murdoc, please."
"—than be here?" He ignored my statement as he continued, his hands forming fists. "You think dying is a luxury, do ya'? You're a coward for believing that, really are. Especially with how good you have it 'ere. You get three meals a day and have a place to sleep, a lot of folks don't even have that. You're nothing but a selfish brat. You think you can try and punish me to prove a point?"
"Murdoc." 2D stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder slowly. "She's had enough."
Murdoc pushed him away, standing to his feet as he grabbed the boy by the collar of his shirt. I let out a gasp as he suddenly threw him against the wall, their faces inches apart as he held him there.
"Where'd she get the pills from, Stuart?" Murdoc growled in a questioning tone, and 2D cowered from him.
"I-I told you, I don't know!" 2D stuttered, his voice shaky.
"I stole them!" I admitted, tears forming at the edge of my eyes. "It's not his fault, Murdoc. I-I've been stealing them, for a couple weeks—"
"You what?"
It would be impossible to describe the anger I saw in Murdoc's eyes as his gaze met mine, but the feeling that surfaced inside of me was anything but comforting.
"I never meant for this to happen, I swear." I quickly added, a tear falling down my face.
Murdoc shook his head as he replied in a sarcastic tone, "You never meant to take the pills you stole?"
All arguments I had to defend myself slowly slipped my mind as embarrassment fell over me from his reprimand. It really sounded stupid when he put it like that. Before I could say anything, he let out a frustrated groan, running his hands through his hair.
Murdoc stormed out of the bathroom, pushing past 2D with a shove as he left the two of us alone. The silence of the room was only pierced by the occasional sound of water from the faucet dripping into the sink.
"You okay, Julie?" 2D asked, rubbing the back of his neck.
"I'm fine." I answered softly as he walked over to me.
He only sighed as he stopped where I sat on the floor, and his gaze told me he wasn't convinced with my answer. A sudden wave of fear fell over me as I heard loud banging noises echoing from the hall and more tears fell down my face.
"Stuart, I swear I didn't mean to—" I cut myself off as I realized the situation I was in. "I could have died... I-I didn't mean to, I just—Murdoc was so hard to be around and I... Murdoc's going to punish me. He's gonna freak out and—"
"Juliet, calm down." 2D soothed, crouching down to place his hand on my shoulder. "Murdoc isn't gonna hurt you, okay? He knows you've been through enough today. I know he seems angry but he was just worried."
"Worried." I mocked, "Count how many cuts and bruises he's given me on one hand. He's not 'worried' about me."
Silence crossed over the two of us for a moment that felt like hours.
"Juliet..." 2D started slowly, "This wasn't a..."
"What?" I asked.
"Like an... attempt, was it?"
"I wouldn't be talking to you if it was."
2D sighed, his eyes moving to the floor, "Well, I'm glad you are. Talking to me, that is. You scared me, you know that? No more sneaking pills. Come on, let's get you to bed."
Nodding in response, I wiped my tears from my face. 2D smiled at me as he held a hand out to help me up. Taking his hand, we both stood to our feet, and I sighed deeply as my head pounded once again. Before starting up another conversation, I made my way to the door, but was stopped by 2D's hand on my wrist.
"You should lay down—"
"I need some air." I cut him off, pulling my wrist from his grip as I walked out into the hall.
My mind went a bit hazy as I walked towards the living room, and the sound of distant pounding made me quicken my pace. Feeling around my pockets, I sighed in relief as I realized my lighter and my pack of cigarettes were still on me. The only thing I wanted in this moment was to relieve the building anxiety in my chest.
As I made my way to the sliding glass door in the living room, I opened it and quickly walked outside. A gust of fresh air ran through my hair, easing the nausea still deep in my stomach. Crossing my arms tightly over my chest, the cold breeze sent a set of chills rushing through me. With shaky hands, I grabbed out my lighter and my pack of cigarettes, placing one between my teeth and lighting it quickly after.
Taking a deep drag off my cigarette, I began to worry about what Murdoc would do. Both him and 2D were convinced what happened was purposeful, and I knew there wasn't a real way of convincing them otherwise. Surely I wouldn't be let off easy for this. Remembering the last time I was punished sent a pulse of fear through me, and I closed my eyes tightly at the thought.
"This too, huh?"
My eyes snapped open at the sound of Murdoc's voice, my breathing halting in my chest. Avoiding his gaze, I looked out at the water and he made his way over to where I stood. He leaned on the railing next to me, watching the waves bellow.
"You know, that's a nasty habit you're starting." Murdoc added, his tone hard to read.
"Sure is." I held up the still red scar of a cigarette burn on my wrist. "Don't act like you give a shit."
"You're naive." He stated in a stern voice. "Should I trust you, being this close to the balcony?"
"You know what? Stop." I retorted, turning to face him. "As strange as it is—being in my current situation—I'm not suicidal, jackass."
Murdoc eyed me for a moment before he reached into his pocket, pulling out one of 2D's prescription bottles. His gaze moved to what was in his hand and he scoffed.
"So you downed a bottle of pills because... you're happy?"
Refusing to argue with him, I turned my attention back to the waves, taking another drag off my cigarette. He sighed deeply, and I could see him shake his head as he watched me.
"I went through all this effort to bring you here, it would be a shame if something were to happen to you." Murdoc began, looking towards the water with a sigh. "Juliet, I want you here, I really do. You have every right to feel the way you do—I just wish ya' would warn me before you go off your trolley. And I get that this isn't ideal for you, but it's pretty selfish to try and punish me like that instead of just saying something. I'm responsible for ya', kid. I don't need that on my conscience. You ever think how that'd make me feel?"
What a fucking tool.
Without thinking, I turned to him and flicked my lit cigarette towards his face. The ember from the butt stung him on the cheek as he recoiled suddenly, wiping smolders off.
"How do I think it makes you feel? You haven't shown even an ounce of concern for my well being since I got here. You're a bigger threat to my life than any amount of pills, and you want me to consider your feelings? If you think I give two shits about how you—"
Before I could continue, my breath caught in my throat, bringing on a coughing fit. Murdoc watched me with a look of anger mixed with confusion, tension radiating off him. His expression slowly changed to one of concern as I continued to cough, unable to stop.
"That cough doesn't sound good, you should—"
I interrupted him by coughing louder, aiming at his face, and he took a few steps back with a loud groan. Finally the fit giving way, I took a deep breath, the cold night air soothing my achy throat.
"If you're gonna be a child tonight, then I think it's past your bedtime." Murdoc pointed towards the door. "Go to your room."
"And if I don't, what are you gonna do, Murdoc?" I challenged, my voice hoarse. "Tell me, what's my punishment, Mr. Niccals? Are you gonna hit me or drown me this time?"
He raised an eyebrow at my sudden confidence with a nasal chuckle.
"No." He simply said, his jaw tensing.
We sat in silence for a moment before he turned and made his way inside the house. My confidence skyrocketed as he closed the door behind him, a satisfied smirk growing on my face. All of which came tumbling down in an instant as I heard the door lock behind me. The bassist behind the glass shot me a quick wave before disappearing, leaving me stuck in the frigid cold. Making my way to the door, I pulled at the handle but it didn't budge, and I hit the glass in frustration.
"Fuck you!" I screamed, letting my hand relax onto the glass in defeat.
***
The next few hours had felt like years. Freezing winds pierced through my clothes, digging into my skin and leaving me with goosebumps. I rubbed my arms desperately to keep blood flowing, but I couldn't escape the cold. My nose continued to run as I felt my throat getting increasingly sore.
Hearing the door slide open caused my head to instantly snap to the noise, pulling myself to my feet from the corner I had huddled in. A head of blue hair peeked out from the doorway to look at me, a confused expression on his face.
"There you are, what—" He started.
"Not. In the mood, 2D." I said with a choked cough, marching into the warm embrace of the house.
"Well... alright." 2D pulled himself back into the house, sliding the door shut behind him.
Without another word I headed down the hall towards my room, frustration boiling over as tears brimmed the edges of my eyes. The warm stuffy air of the house made me feel ill, and it took everything inside me to not collapse right there.
Murdoc once again found a new way to make my life hell. All hope of getting along with him vanished as my one way of dealing with him was now gone. When I had been throwing up he sounded so concerned, but right when he saw I was conscious his manor had completely changed. He clearly was putting on an act, and it confused me as to why he'd hide his concern from me. If he cared that much, I'd wish he'd show it without trying to gaslight the situation.
Shaking my head, I tried to erase the idea from my mind. It was frustrating how I wanted him to be nice to me so badly, yet still, I did. Something inside told me I couldn't keep this up for very much longer without completely losing it. This wasn't a fight I was going to win.