"Can you stop acting like a child?" I said through gritted teeth, trying to grab Cecily's arm to keep her still but she just wouldn't stop moving. "Seriously, stop."
"Get off me, Gianina," She snapped, turning around to face me, using my full name like she usually did when she was mad at me. "What do you want?"
"Firstly, I want you to stop being a childish little girl," I told her, standing right in front of her, she was angry but so was I. "Can you do that, Cecily?"
"How am I being childish?" She asked, shrugging and frowning at me. "I'm having fun, we're all having fun, it's a party, that's what you do at parties."
I stared at her, waiting to think of something to say, something other than what I really wanted to say. I didn't want to hurt Cecily, it was never my intention to, I adored her. However, Cecily had this thing about her that it honestly infuriated me and made me want to wreck the whole world to nothing with my bare hands.
It was just the way she was and I couldn't blame her for it, she was 18 years old, she was still growing to be a woman. She had this childish attitude at times that exposed the girl she used to be but she also had this maturity in the way she acted at times that it displayed the woman she was to become and whenever I got a glimpse of it, I fell in love with her, harder than I already had.
How could I be mad at her for growing? For being immature and acting out when she was hurt? Hell, I wasn't perfect myself, I had done the very same thing many, many times.
"Please, stop, please," I caressed the palm of her hand with my thumb subtly, we were after all at a party. "Just talk to me?"
For a moment I thought maybe she was going to stop being the pain in the ass she had been for days after Abby's party. For a moment I saw something in her eyes soften, her face, the way she looked at me, with such admiration, love, and longing. I thought she was going to give it a break and finally talk to me, but as quick as that moment came, it was gone. Her stare became cold and her face became a wall I could not see past.
"Go have fun with your friend, maybe he's getting into another fight, go patch him up," She said with the coldest tone I've ever heard from her. "Go play nurse or babysitter since he can't seem to stop acting like a fucking child."
Because you're acting real mature. I almost blurted out, I had to bite my tongue not to say it. If I did, Cecily would've thrown a fit and the argument would have been endless.
"You're mad at me for helping my friend out, not to mention this happened days ago, you're angry at me for being a good friend," I almost laughed, trying to keep myself calm. "Cecily, he's my friend, I don't see him like that, or any other boy for that matter. You should know that."
These little petty arguments had come and gone, we've had many of those and by now we were both smart enough to know how to handle them. It was all about compromise.
I think it was almost as if we both knew what would happen if we allowed our anger to get the best of us. I think, perhaps we cared for the other a little too much, we knew relationships were complicated, more so the relationship we had considering we had to hide it. But if one thing I did know was that no matter what I didn't want what I had with Ceci to end and I don't think she wanted that either. We had to be mature even though in certain aspects, we were still just two immature girls in their first relationship, real relationship. It took us time to get to the point we were in now but I was proud to say that we managed to find a way around it. It was like we had both made a silent agreement on keeping balance. It was hard as hell and sometimes anger won but we managed.
Cecily stared at me for a long minute, biting her lower lip and when she finally decided what to do next, she pulled me into the room I was trying to pull her in. The room was unknown to me, this time the party was at Tom's house and even though I had been at his before, I had never gone upstairs.
The room's lights were off, the only light that was coming in was from the window, the streetlights were right outside and it was more than enough so I could make out her face. The music became a distant noise, all I could see was Cecily's grey eyes.
"Sometimes it's really hard to believe you," She whispered. Her voice was low and hesitant, not sure of herself, "You say you don't like him, yet you're always running after him and when you aren't, he is..."
I huffed and shook my head.
"How many more times do I have to tell you that Kai is my best friend, nothing more," I sighed, shaking my head. "If it was something more than that, something would've already happened by now."
"I don't know, it's never too late for a little spark." she shrugged, defying me with her eyes.
"I could say the same about you and Jake..." I told her, allowing myself to argue back, even if it was just for a little bit. "And you know what they say, sparks can set a whole city on fire."
She frowned, "I've never heard that in my life." Cecily lifted one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows, my cheeks felt hot while she struggled to keep a smile off her face. "I'm not too sure but I think it goes a little like a spark can set a forest on fire...?"
"It's basically the same thing," I thought Cecily was going to turn around, go back to the madness of the party.
But she didn't.
She stayed quiet until a snorting sound came out of her, I looked up at her to find her trying to suppress a smile, trying really hard not to laugh and I just knew that was my chance to get her to forget all about Kai.
"Come back home with me, please?" I asked her, Cecily took a good look at me and shook her head slightly, not completely sure of her answer. "Come on, Ceci, please. Kai and I are best friends, there's honestly nothing between us. I don't... he's a boy, Ceci." I whispered the last part and it seemed that was what convinced her.
"Okay, but we're just gonna talk," She pointed at me with her index finger, I tried not to smile while I nodded "Your parents?"
"My mother is at my granddad's for the weekend, it's just my dad but he's— he's not home until tomorrow, he'll get home before 3 in the afternoon, that's when my mum gets home."
"How comes?" She asked me, leading the way out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
I shook my head at the same time I shrugged, not answering. Truth was, I had no idea where my father was. He left after my mum did, kissed my forehead, told me he was coming back the next day and gave me 100 in bills of 10. I don't think he realised he had given me a 100 but I wasn't complaining. Parenting 101.
Cecily turned back and narrowed her eyes at me, I shrugged again and smiled at her, hoping she'd let it go and thankfully she did. I didn't want to tell her about it, I had to focus on the matter at hand, one issue at the time. Besides, even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell her about my parents because, in all honesty, there was nothing to say.
Cecily turned around and continued to lead the way out of Tom's house. On my way out, I heard Kai calling my name, I turned around and shook my head at him as I kept following Cecily. I would not lie, the look on his face pulled the strings of my heart and I almost hit myself for being so stupid. Kai was my friend; he had been the only real friend –aside from Cecily— that I've ever had. Why couldn't Cecily understand that? Why did she have to make me choose?
"If you want, you can go to him, you know," Cecily told me, her tone cold as ice, her eyes looking directly at me, waiting for me to hesitate, to make a wrong move. She was just testing me.
"No," I shook my head, "Let's go."
⚢
"All I'm saying is, I think it would be nice if you went through his things once in a while," Cecily sighed, dropping herself on my bed. She was being herself again, I guess me not going after Kai helped her see that I was being truthful when I said that it was only her.
"What's the point?" I asked, heading to my closet, looking for some clothes she could use to sleep in.
"I don't know, get to know who he was a little better?" I saw her shrugging from the corner of my eye, sitting up in my bed. I scratched my forehead and tiptoed to get a t-shirt that I knew she liked. "I mean, people often say that their rooms reflect a little of themselves."
"Yes, Cecily, people often say that but come on, look around my room," I stiffed a laugh, looking and pointing around my room, "What do you get of my personality from this? Nothing, because I have to hide in my own home. He likely thought the same."
"But you're different," She looked around my room, probably trying to find something but we both knew there was nothing that reflected me in that room.
The walls were of a cream colour; I painted them myself when I got tired of the stupid pink my mum liked so much. There was not a single poster or anything hanging on the walls. There was a desk in which I kept my laptop with the lid half-opened, two speakers at each side of it and a bunch of books and papers. A bed that was most of the times made and even my sheets were white. There was nothing but a dull room, just space occupied by "essential" things. There was nothing of me in this room.
But just when I was about to believe that my room was just as dull as the persona I had to be every day, Cecily smirked and pointed at my desk.
"That," She smiled, her eyes growing smaller as her smile grew wilder. "That little mess in your desk."
"What?" I frowned, looking at the desk.
From where I stood, I could see the only pictures I allowed myself to have, Cecily and I when we were kids, Cecily and I when we were older. Cecily and I at the theme park. Kai and I blowing birthday candles, our birthdays were two days apart. Kai on his gold BMX and me behind him with my hands on his shoulders keeping balance. There was another one of Kai at my right, me in the middle and then Cecily, we were at a party and I had my tongue out and my eyes shut, Kai was laughing at something someone had said and Cecily was laughing at my face, looking at me in that adorable way that makes my heart want to burst out of my chest. Actually, that was the only picture I had with both of them together. Then there was a picture of me and my parents. And I could even see the corner of a picture that I didn't let anyone see, a picture of me and Tobias that stayed hidden behind the few other pictures.
"That little colourful mess is you." She said I looked at her with an eyebrow lifted. "You aren't messy, the type of messy that could be considered untidy. But you, as a whole, have everything in your life messy and it might look untidy to others, but at the same time, you're organised enough so you and only you know where exactly everything is. You're like, organised in your own mess."
"That makes no sense." I smiled, looking back to my closet, getting the t-shirt and throwing it at her so it'd fall right on her head.
"I still think you should go see if you find something in his room." She sighed again, going back to the subject.
"Nope," I shook my head as I took my t-shirt off and put on a sleeping t-shirt, one of Kai's oversized t-shirts. "I don't think I want to know anything about Tobias, really, all I know is enough."
"You're angry at him."
"He left me."
"He had no choice."
"There's always a choice."
"You can't hold a grudge against your brother forever."
"I needed him and he left me with them," I shook my head.
Cecily was going to say something but before she did so, I pressed my lips against hers. It worked well enough because within seconds we were laying on my bed. Me on top of her, straddling her and both of us with nothing but a t-shirt and underwear on.
Cecily's hands found their way to my thighs, her nails pressed hard into my skin, hard enough that it was pleasing. Her tongue brushing mine, I could taste the lust in her, I could feel her desire growing as we kissed.
"Up," I managed to say, detaching my lips from hers enough so she could lift up the upper part of her body, enough so I could take her t-shirt off.
My hands quickly made their way to her back, where I could undo her bra. I pecked her lips as my hands grabbed hold of her bra's hook, she stared up at me, swallowed hard when she saw me smirk.
"You said we were just talking," she whispered, her eyes were filled with desire, her cheeks flushed and her lips were a little swollen. Have I said how beautiful I thought she was yet?
"Do you want me to stop?" I whispered against her lips. She grabbed me by my t-shirt's neck and pulled me closer to her, her lips met mine.
She wanted me just as much as I wanted her. And that was saying a lot because I wanted her like I had never wanted anyone in my life.
She grabbed the back of my head and pushed me against her, kissing me harder and when she was going to deepen the kiss, I bit her lip, pulling away. I heard her groan and I couldn't help but smirk.
I laid her back down and pressed my lips against her cheek, slowly making my way down to her neck. I knew better than to give her hickeys, we both had an agreement of not doing that. But I couldn't help myself.
Ceci was going to complain, I knew she was but before she could, I bit down her skin and she let out a moan mixed with a groan. She grabbed me by my lower back and pushed me harder against her, making me grind against her. Both of my hands were cupping her breast, as she kept me going to her own rhythm. I heard her trying not to moan, which made me stop.
I grabbed her hands from my lower back and held them above her, staring right into her eyes. Cecily licked her lips and tried to kiss me but I didn't let her, she half-smiled, shaking her head knowingly.
"You're such a tease, you know that?"
"You wanted to talk," I smirked. She bit the corner of her lip as I kept grinding on her, she shut her eyes tightly, trying not to moan. "Don't do that."
"Don't do what?" She asked me, her voice hoarse and lower than a whisper, she bit her lip harder then, shutting her eyes.
"That," I smirked, grinding again, this time she didn't hold back and moaned against my mouth.
"This isn't the type of talking I had in mind."
"I'm sorry, I'll stop," I whispered against her neck, letting go of her hands and trying to move away but she quickly grabbed me and pushed me against her.
"Shh," She kissed me, not really interested or concentrated enough to have a conversation anymore. I let go of her and kneel in my bed, staring down at Cecily.
Her t-shirt was somewhere on the floor, I didn't particularly care where. I rested my hands on each side of Cecily's body and I leaned down to place a kiss on her lips, then another on her jaw. I looked at her through my lashes as I made my way down her body, dropping kisses here and there. Sometimes I could even swear I taste the coconut buttercream she used to try to get rid of her stretch marks. I bit her skin in places that made her moan and look down at me with pleading eyes. When I was at her hips, I made sure that she was looking at me, and I hoped that she could see in my eyes just how badly I wanted her.
I wanted her to see how I felt, I wanted her to see that my feelings were quite literally flooding through me, that I loved her even though I couldn't say it. That she was the most wonderful thing in my life and that I only wanted her.
This wasn't just sex to me, this was my way to show her that I loved her. Even if it was with my body, with doings and actions and not with actual words like she wanted it.
Swallowing hard, I grabbed the elastic band of her underwear and slowly but teasingly took it off. I kissed her inner thighs, making her moan a little louder, she took one of my hands and lead it to her breast and with her other hand, she messily brushed her fingers through my hair. Her soft skin burnt my fingertips and the anticipation in her eyes told me she didn't want to wait anymore.
Neither did I.
⚢
"I'm hungry," She snorted, burying her face in the crook of my neck.
Our naked bodies tangled. Her hand caressing my face in such a soothing way that I was ready to fall asleep.
"Grilled sandwich?" I sighed.
"Have I told you that I love you today?" She smiled widely at me, getting up from my bed and throwing a t-shirt at me.
"I'm starting to think you're only with me because of my culinary skills," I joked as we made our way down the stairs to the kitchen.
"That's not true," She gasped dramatically as she hopped on the kitchen counter and I began to make her a grilled sandwich. "I'm also with you because you're really good in bed."
"Oh, you ass," I smiled as I pushed her a little bit, rolling my eyes playfully at her.
Ceci liked butter on both sides of the slice of bread, so I spread the butter on the inside of the slice of bread. I put the slice of bread and ham and threw another slice of bread on top and then I put the sandwich on the frying pan. When it was a little toasted, I put butter over it, just the way she liked it.
I was in the middle of making my sandwich when Cecily caught my wrist and dragged me to her so I was in between her legs.
"So just food and sex, then?" I joked, looking up at her.
Cecily rolled her eyes at me, trying to keep herself from smiling. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my forehead, then at the top of my nose and then on my lips. She was going to pull away but I cupped her face with my hands and I brought her down so I could kiss her.
I had kissed other people, boys and girls, equally, but no one, not a single person I have ever kissed could compare to Cecily. No one could make me feel the things she did with one kiss. And to be quite honest, there were no lips I'd rather kiss than hers. I'd kiss only her for the rest of my life and I'd live happily ever after.
When I pulled away, we stayed like that for a few seconds, just looking at each other.
"I love you, Nina," She told me with so much emotion in her voice that I felt my heart swell up with happiness, growing inside my chest and trying to burst out.
"I—" I was choking with my words.
"Nina..." Cecily lifted up my face when I looked down. I couldn't do it. I wanted to but I couldn't. "Please, Nina, just once, okay? Please."
All the happiness I had felt minutes ago left my body within seconds. Her eyes were like clouds that grew thicker and greyer, somehow heavier. I couldn't stand to look at her eyes, her eyes were the most expressive thing about Cecily and the pain her eyes reflected at that moment was enough to break my heart.
"I'm sorry," I looked down and tried really hard to swallow the knot in my throat.
"Why? Why can't you just say it?" She asked me, pushing me away from her.
"I... I don't know!" I snapped, frustrated with myself, with her, with everything around me. "I'm trying but I can't get it out. I just... It just it won't and I— fuck!"
"You know," She began, moving away from me, walking towards the kitchen door. "At first, I thought it was cute, I don't know, you not being able to tell me you love me, I thought it had to do with something about being an introvert, shy, I don't know... but now? Now it just fucking hurts to know that after so many years, you still can't tell me that you love me. Your excuses aren't enough, Nina, I need to hear you say it. I don't mind the hiding, I don't mind the lying because I know at some point it'll stop but this? The fact that you can't fucking look at me and tell me, show me that you love me? I don't know if I can deal with that anymore."
"Why is it so important? Don't I already do enough for you to know?" I snapped at her, she remained calm even though I could tell she wanted to snap too.
"I want a serious thing, Nina, I want... I don't fucking know, a life with you. I want to get the fuck out of this town and I want to live with you like we planned, I want to fucking marry you at some point down the line and I want to have kids with you or adopt or I don't fucking know, whatever life has planned but I want to do it all with you.
"Yet it seems you can't even say three words to me because you still feel you're doing something wrong or going to hell or whatever shit your mum's put in your head," She carried on, talking rather calmly. "If you can't say those words to me, who's to say tomorrow you won't go back on your promises and leave me to have the future your mother wants you to have with a man?"
"You're making a big deal out of this, you're taking this shit out of proportion. What about all those people who say it and don't mean it? At least you know that I—"
"Being without you is going to break my heart," she interrupted me, shaking her head. "It will hurt a lot, I'm sure, but I'd rather put an end to this now than in a few years down the line when you allow your mother to decide who you'll give yourself to."
I was frozen. It was like my body decided to freeze as I watched her leave, meanwhile my brain shouted at me to do something, to apologise, to say those damn words God knows I felt but I stood still and I watched her leave. I only regain control over my body when I heard the smoke alarm going off.
The fucking grilled sandwich.