Parties were something that we always liked. Cecily and I. If there was a party, we would be there. I think one of the reasons we liked parties so much was because mostly everybody was drunk and nobody really cared much about anything. We could relax and have a good time without looking over our shoulders.
It was easier that way, some people always got super touchy when drunk, they would look past some things that they'd probably frown at if they weren't drunk. It helped that many girls danced with their best friends, it helped that everybody was so absorbed with the party mood, with their partner, with their friends or with whatever, that they didn't care at all what Cecily and I did.
I loved parties.
So when Cecily told me that Abby was having a party at her place, I didn't even think about it, we smiled at each other and planned our night. It was one of the few times that we got to act like a couple.
"You know that book of poems you gave me?" I asked her, she was putting makeup on, staring at her reflection, she nodded.
"The one I gave you for your birthday last year and you have not read yet?" She rolled her eyes playfully, looking at me through the mirror.
"It was long—"
"Nina, it was 140 pages." She turned around to look at me with a serious expression, she held her eye-liner in her hands.
"That's long."
"Okay, well, yeah, I remember the book," She sighed, turning around to carry on with her makeup.
"I finished it yesterday night," I smiled, sitting on her bed, lifting my legs and crossing them before me. We were late but we always arrived late, when people were already buzzed.
"You told me you were finishing your applications last night..." She glared at me when she saw me roll my eyes, university applications were something I didn't want to talk about so I quickly changed the subject.
"It was... I really liked it."
"Yeah, it has nice poems," I laid back in her bed, and waited, waited for nothing, for something. I don't know. I just laid there and waited.
Cecily must've noticed the change in my mood because, after a few minutes, she put down her make-up and laid next to me. I laid on my side so I was facing her.
Her grey eyes looked even greyer thanks to the make-up, her cheekbones more noticeable and the way she put on highlight on her nose and a little on her cheekbones was just adorable.
"You're shining like a little doughnut," I half-smiled, watching as she rolled her eyes. "Did you eat?"
She thought about her answer, making me frown. "Yes, I did." She quickly said, when she noticed that I wasn't convinced, she added, "I did go ask Lilly if you don't believe me. I just have a lot in my mind."
"So you had to think about whether you ate or not?" I chuckled, she rolled her eyes again and we stayed in silence for another minute. Cecily used to 'forget' to eat quite a lot.
"You want to stay in?" She was brushing my hair back with her delicate fingers. Her nails were painted white.
"Nope," I grabbed her hand and I brought it to my lips, softly kissing each one of her fingers. "You're adorable," I whispered.
Cecily rolled her eyes but two seconds later, a small smile was making its way through her lips. "You're a donut."
"Thank you, you flatter me with all your kind words."
"So," She began, moving a little closer to me, "You aren't mad about the whole Jake thing?"
"Nope, I totally get it," She had explained to me that Jake had asked her and he wouldn't take a no for an answer. Sometimes guys are annoying like that.
"It'll just be half an hour then I'll tell him I have to go," She reassured me, placing her hand on my cheek. "I'll tell him to leave it alone, we're better off as friends."
"You don't have to go, you know? Nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do. If he doesn't leave you alone, I'll have Kai beat him up," I joked, smiling innocently at her. Cecily didn't find it very funny, she moved her hand away as she rolled her eyes. "What?"
"Will Kai be there tonight too?" She asked me, her jealousy showing. "Will you leave me to hang around with him again?"
"Don't."
"Is that a yes?"
"Stop, Cecily," I grabbed her hand, not allowing her to move away from me. Taking her face in my hand, I made her face me. "I don't understand what it is that makes you jealous about Kai, but believe me, Ceci, there's nothing to be jealous about."
She didn't say anything more after that, so I leaned in and kissed her. Fair enough, the words she wanted to hear from me had never left my lips but there were so many other words that I could say, so many words that I could use to show my feelings for her. It wasn't an I love you but it was the best I could do for now.
⚢
Dancing with Cecily was something that I couldn't find the words to describe.
It was just dancing; it wasn't a big deal but everything about it made my heart beat a hundred times faster.
It was the way she grabbed my hand, it was the way she smiled while she sang along, it was the way we stood in the middle of the crowd, not hiding, not worrying... It was the taste of freedom.
And I was dying to kiss her.
I was dying to taste her lips, to taste the salt from sweat and the bitter taste of the alcohol, the cherry from her Chapstick, the soft of her lips, the flesh, her tongue, her teeth nibbling on my bottom lip... Oh, God, I had never wanted to kiss someone as badly as I wanted to kiss her.
I took her hand and I dragged her away. I lead her to the closest bathroom I could find, I locked the door behind me and turned to her, she looked at me with a confused but worried frown. She looked so beautiful, so adorable. I couldn't contain myself, I couldn't wait anymore.
I cupped her face and I brought her closer to me, closer so our lips were touching. And she understood so well, her body and my body, it was like we understood each other perfectly well without even having to say a word.
We didn't do much more than kissing, kissing was enough. If something more was to happen, it would happen in the privacy of our rooms. When we were alone and we didn't have to be careful or afraid. Being with Cecily was something out of this world.
It was her little moans, her soft pleas, the way she whimpered and begged, the way she said my name, the way she looked at me, the way she teased me, the way she pleased me, the way she held me, the way she laughed when I bumped my head against her because sometimes I got a little too excited. It was everything but most importantly, it was the way she gave herself to me, it was the way she blindly trusted to bare herself before me. Cecily, the most beautiful girl.
"You're kind of a nicer kisser." She wrinkled her nose, her forehead was on mine, her hands were on my face, keeping me close to her while mine were on her lower back.
I laughed, feeling my whole body vibrate with joy. "Kind of?"
"Yeah, kind of."
"I don't remember you ever complaining before."
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings, Nina."
I gasped dramatically, "And here I was, thinking that you loved kissing me."
"Oh, I do love kissing you."
"But I'm a bad kisser?" I lifted an eyebrow when she nodded with a cute pout. "So, what should I do, then, Cecily?"
"You should start by kissing me again, loads of practice is good for you," She said slightly smiling, "Also, you shouldn't kiss anyone else because it will erase all my good work."
"Really?" I asked, she nodded. "Sounds like a plan."
"A great plan if you ask me," She nodded proudly, "Let's go back out."
I nodded and watched as she fixed her hair, God, she really was beautiful. Before she could leave the bathroom, I grabbed her by her hand and made her turn to look at me.
"You were joking, right?" I asked her, before leaving. Cecily might have misunderstood me because her face completely dropped, I quickly tried to make her understand what I meant, "About me being a bad kisser, that part was a joke, right?"
She burst out laughing then and shook her head at me. Right when she was about to answer me, I saw a guy throwing punches and all hell broke loose. It happened so quickly that I barely had time to see what really happened.
When the fight was stopped, I saw Kai with blood running down his face, into his shirt and Tom with a bloody lip. My eyes widen at the sight of Kai. When he walked out of the party, I followed behind. Ignoring Cecily calling my name.
⚢
"What did he do?" I asked Kai as I cleaned his eyebrow, it wasn't a deep cut, it was mostly the blood that made it look bad. Abby had given me rubbing alcohol and three pieces of cotton to clean it, she said she didn't have more, she had used it all removing her nail polish that same day.
"It wasn't even Tom," Kai laughed, flinching when I dab with the little piece of cotton. "It was because of Victor, he said some stupid shit and I threw him what was left of my beer. It fell on Tom and he's drunk so he lost it pretty quickly, shouting about his Gucci shirt."
"Don't laugh," I pressed the cotton harder on his wound and he glared at me. "It's not funny, he could've hurt you bad."
"Like when you ran over me with my own bike and I had to get four stitches?" He looked at me with a funny expression, I rolled my eyes trying not to laugh.
"Yes, exactly like that."
"You guys look good together," He said after a while of silence. I stopped cleaning his wound for a second, not knowing what to say or do, but I relaxed and took a deep breath in, cleaning what was left of the blood. "I don't know how I didn't see it before."
I don't know what it was, perhaps it was the alcohol giving me the courage I needed, perhaps it was the humid smell of the night that I liked so much and made me feel a little nostalgic in some sort of way, the fact that I felt amazing because not too long ago I was next to the person that mattered the most to me in this world, I don't know... maybe it was the fact that I realised that this was Kai. This was Nina and Kai; it was us... I was safe with him, I knew it, I didn't have to hide and maybe a part of was tired of hiding.
"I think it is because sometimes people are so used to girls or boys following the 'norm' that they don't think of the possibility of me and her being more than what they see. Because God forbid it was something more than just two best friends dancing," I shrugged, playing with the piece of cotton. "Or maybe it's because people think that same-sex relationships have to be a certain way, have to fit a certain stereotype that most of the time people themselves have given to... us.
"There are people out there that would say to you You're not gay, you don't look gay enough, it's funny because how can you tell me what I am, what I like because of the way I dress or act? And that's kind of stupid if you think about it, what does gay even look like? Why do people think that she has to look a certain way to be able to like me? And at the same time, it's kinda fucked up, you know? Because I say that I don't care about labels, I don't care about stereotypes and all this but sometimes I catch myself thinking, when I leave this place, I wanna look hella gay, I wanna go out and nobody will think I'm straight. And then I think, but I really like wearing dresses. And it's like I catch myself being kind of offensive at times and stereotyping people. I wear dresses, it doesn't mean shit just like a man being feminine doesn't make him gay. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, but I think you're being a little hard on yourself, you know?" He grabbed a little rock from the pavement we were sitting on and played with it. It was funny how people often tend to play with their hands when having a serious discussion, a discussion that wasn't easy on my part. "I think everybody judges people, everybody puts people into boxes, like, I do it? That doesn't make me a bad person or anything, it's fucked up, yes, but it's the way society is.
"Even in this shithole. I mean I'm the black kid so I must be a gangster, police look at me funny and teachers are always thinking I cheat when I get As. You're the mix raced girl who takes ages to text back because they think you're a stuck-up when in reality you're just... not into it. We're always going to be put into boxes. It's fucked up but that's how it is, what's important is that you know who you are, no matter where they try to put you, you stay true to you."
"And then there's the whole coming out thing," I sighed, tired of all the things I had kept to myself because I didn't know who to talk about it with, "I want to come out, one day I will, because I might not say it out loud but I know I don't like boys... but I'm— I'm fucking terrified, Kai. Like... I think about coming out and I feel like I might shit myself. My mum, Kai, she'll fucking hate me—"
"She won't—"
"Didn't she do that with Tobias, though?" I interrupted him, turning to look away from him as I swallowed hard trying to keep myself from crying. "If she did that to Tobias, imagine what she'd do to me and I'm not Tobias, Kai, I don't think I'll be able to handle that."
"I know, bro, but you can't keep locking yourself up to have a proper relationship with your mum, like, that's messed up for you."
"That's the thing, Kai, we don't even have a proper relationship now," I sighed, "Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from them and they don't care enough to chase me."
"I just wish she could be okay with it, you know?" I carried on after a moment of silence, "With the whole gay thing."
"I don't fucking get it, though, why does she have to be okay with it, why does anyone have to be okay with it? It's you, man, I don't see you going around and telling people you're not okay with them doing their straight people shit, so why do people need to be okay with you loving whoever you love, you know?" He spoke a bit too fast, in that way he always did whenever he got worked up about something. "You gotta accept it yourself, Nina, just you. Nobody else can tell you that it's right or wrong, all they gotta do is act like a decent human being and tell you they still love you."
"I love you, Kai," I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder.
"On a serious note, though," He began as he turned to look at me, he grabbed my hand and squeezed. "I'm happy for you and I mean it, I really am happy for you."
I smiled. I couldn't contain myself, I just smiled like an idiot. I knew that he meant it, and what made my heart soften and made me want to wrap my arms around him so tightly that I could choke him, was the fact that even if we always tried to ignore it, once upon a time, Kai had feelings for me and despite his feelings, he was genuinely happy for me. I never really understood or knew how deep or real his feelings for me were but I knew there was something in there.
That's what made Cecily jealous and I understood up to a certain point but at times it felt as though she didn't trust me enough. Because yes, Kai might have felt a certain way about me but that did not mean that I reciprocated his feelings. Kai knew that I saw him as a brother, there was no attraction in any way. I did have eyes and Kai was a very good-looking young man but I felt nothing more than a very deep connection and brotherly love.
When I was done cleaning his eyebrow and we were done talking, Kai and I made our way back inside. His arm was around my shoulder, and as soon as we entered the house, Kai began to 'dance' by moving his head around like a turkey. I laughed at him, walking into the living room. I looked for Cecily, knowing that I was going to have to explain myself to her. I should have probably told her that Kai knew, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I was in a very good mood that night, I had Cecily, I had Kai and the best part of it all was that I didn't have to be around any boy to keep up the act because Cecily and I agreed not to make out with other boys anymore... I was happy. I had a huge smile on my face, it was the kind that you can't erase easily.
Or so I thought... because when I found Cecily, what I saw made my whole-body freeze.
It was like... a rush of pain mixed with a little fear and insecurities, mixed with a little anger and jealousy. Jake's hands were holding her waist, his body was grinding against her, touching her as if she was his and she let her arms hang carefree from his shoulders, as if they had been there before, as if they belonged there. I watched them dance as I stood frozen in the same spot.
My heart stopped beating and the music faded when he leaned down to kiss her but Cecily moved away so his lips only touched her cheek. She turned to me, she turned to look at me while she danced with him.
She was doing it on purpose. She was doing it to hurt me like I had done before, using the exact same trick many times before when we were okay, when we were getting along and suddenly something would switch inside me and I'd go off with a boy. The difference was that the boys I did it with were nobody and this was Jake. They had some sort of history.
"Do you want me to fight him?" Kai whispered in my ear. I pushed him away, ignoring his joke.
"Mind if I stay at yours?" I asked him, keeping eye contact with Cecily. I could see the anger in her eyes, she looked at me like what she said before in that bathroom meant nothing to her anymore. Kai answered me but I was too focused on Jake's hands to actually listen.
What are you doing? I signed to her, what are you doing with him?
She didn't sign back, it was understandable since Jake was all over her, but she did move her lips, she mouthed something to me and I understood it perfectly fine. I never wanted to shake some sense into Cecily as much as I did right then. She was so wrong. So, so wrong.
Two can play that game, she had said.