And the dedication goes to @SeanKelsie for the 100th comment!! Thank you!!!
14…
As soon as the blood started to flow from the cut on my neck, a sick feeling clawed at my stomach. I took a step away from the mirror and fell. I dropped the razor next to me, and when I picked it up, I saw myself again, in my old room, in my old clothes, the first time James had given me the medicine—the medicine that set my whole body on fire on the inside.
I tried to stand up, to get rid of the sight of my body in so much pain. I managed to drop the razor in the sink, not realizing until then how hard I had been clutching it. The blade cut into the skin of my hand and now that was bleeding too. That’s when the pain came back.
It was as though I was in my room again, that excruciating pain slicing through my body like a thousand needles at once, each one twisting and pulling against some part of me. I couldn’t think or speak or see. For a moment—an agonizing, horrible moment—I was that boy. When it became impossible to breathe, I fell again, hitting my head against the wall.
That’s when Lisa came in.
She took one look at me and her eyes filled with fear. But that fear only lasted for a moment. Suddenly she was by my side, pressing a cloth to my neck, holding my hand. I didn’t want to let her go. No one had ever held my hand like that before.
When she spoke to me, her words were lost. Every sound other than my own heartbeat was muffled and distant. Finally, her voice broke through when she said my name.
Her voice was so soft and gentle. It made me want to stop being afraid. But I still was—I was still afraid. I was terrified of what was happening, of what I was seeing. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t want it to be happening. I just wanted it to stop—the images and the pain.
Her next words caught me off guard and sent another wave of panic rushing over me. Disinfection—that’s what I’d heard.
As she ran from the room, I looked down at my hands and the rest of the room. There was blood everywhere. She meant to clean it all up.
But only the orderlies had ever disinfected me. No one else had ever seen me undressed. Those were the rules. Lisa wasn’t an orderly. She didn’t wear a white suit or a mask. But she was coming back and I had to do what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to get into trouble.
In spite of the pain coursing through me, I got up from the floor and pulled off my clothes as quickly as I could. I had to be undressed by the time she came back. The orderlies always got mad at me if I wasn’t ready for them. I didn’t want Lisa to be mad at me too.
I managed to undress completely when I heard her climbing up the stairs. Fighting my sore muscles, I raised my arms and placed my palms against the wall, just as I always did for disinfection. My whole body was trembling as I stood there, but it wasn’t just from the pain. The thought of Lisa seeing me like this was more than I could handle. I started to cry before she came in, but I didn’t let it show. I wasn’t supposed to.
When she saw me, she got angry. I was confused and embarrassed, even more so when she picked up my clothes and threw them at me. I tried to understand, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what she had wanted me to do.
She tried to talk to me through the door, but the only thing I understood was that I had done the wrong thing, and she was mad at me.
Her anger hadn’t lasted long though. When she came back in and bandaged my cuts, she was so careful with me—more so than even Marley had been. The medicine she sprayed on my skin hurt a lot, but the pain quickly went away with the coolness of her breath on my skin.
She was being so gentle with me; I couldn’t help staring at her as she bandaged my hand and then my neck. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to look at her though, since we weren’t talking, so I closed my eyes some of the time—mostly when she looked up at me.
But then she tried to take my arm, and the images came back, and I was afraid. I was afraid that Lisa would give me medicine in a syringe, like James always had after I’d made a big mistake. She looked very shocked when I jerked away from her. The movement torqued on my injured ribs and made it extremely difficult to breathe. But I didn’t want any medicine. I didn’t want any more pain.
I choked back my tears and huddled against the wall, jerking when Lisa put her arm around me. The contact sent heat crawling up my neck but I didn’t pull away. Instead, I leaned on her and we walked together into my new room. After she helped me lie down in such a way that I could breathe easier for the first time since the wreck, I fell asleep.
When I woke, James was in my room, asking me what had happened.
But I couldn’t tell him.
If James found out that I had talked to Lisa, I knew he’d give me another injection. I hadn’t yet recovered from the last one he’d given me in the lab. I couldn’t handle another injection so soon. Just thinking about it made me sick.
But I had to tell him something.
“I-I cut myself,” I mumbled. That’s what Lisa thought I did. She thought I hurt myself on purpose. Maybe James would think so too. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tell him that Lisa had talked to me, or that I had talked back.
“You did what?” James grabbed my arm. “Who did this?” he pointed at the bandage on my hand.
Wincing, I tried to answer him. But he was clutching the bruises below my elbow and it hurt too much to ignore. “Please let go,” I said, ignoring the urge to pull away.
“Answer me,” James ordered, his eyes narrowing.
“I cut myself,” I said again. “A-and then…and then I-I don’t remember…”
James gripped my arm tighter. “Are you lying to me? You’ve never lied to me before. Why are you lying?” he demanded, his hand tightening even more. “Answer me!”
I clenched my jaw, fighting back tears. He was yelling at me. I didn’t like it when he yelled at me.
“Stop it dad!” Lisa cried, hurrying into the room. “You’re hurting him! Look at his face!” she pointed at me.
I blinked and turned away as several tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my face. James finally released my arm. I stumbled backwards to get away from him before he changed his mind. Cradling my arm, I retreated to the corner of the room next to the closet.
“What is wrong with you?!” Lisa shouted angrily.
James looked taken aback, his eyes wider than usual as he stared down at Lisa in surprise. “Did you know about this?” he demanded, still wide-eyed as he looked at me and then back at Lisa again. “Did you help him?”
Lisa made a face. “Of course I helped him,” she retorted. “He was bleeding. Is that a problem for you?”
“No, I—It’s not. But you know about his condition, Lisa. It’s dangerous for you to be alone with him up here. I told you to stay downstairs until I got back.” James went on, sounding a little flustered. I’d never seen him like this before.
“I was just giving him the stuff you asked me to.” Lisa said quickly. “And you said he wasn’t dangerous. Remember?” she countered.
“He isn’t. When I’m here.” James replied sharply, no longer flustered. “And I told you to put those things in the bathroom before he woke up.”
Lisa tucked a few strands of her long blond hair behind her ear, biting her lip. I watched her movements, transfixed by them. “I forgot.” She said, glancing at me. When she saw my face, something in her eyes changed. She was afraid again, and looked away quickly.
“Did he say anything to you?” James asked after a moment. His voice was cold, like back at the lab. This was what he really wanted to know.
Lisa looked up at me once more, before locking eyes with James. “No.” she answered simply. “He didn’t.”
I blinked in surprise, raising my head to glance at James. He was staring at Lisa, waiting.
“Are you…sure?” he asked.
“Yes. He didn’t say anything.” She answered swiftly, and then turned and walked out of the room.
James slowly turned around, his face contorted in frustration. “Whatever happened up here today,” he said, keeping his voice low, “do not let it happen again.”
I nodded quickly, still cradling my arm. I was sure James had added more bruises to the other ones already discoloring most of my skin. The bruising on my arms was from injections, but the others were from what had happened back at the lab and from the crash.
I knew Lisa must have seen some of them earlier, when I…got confused. But she hadn’t said anything about them. I wondered why, and I wondered why she hadn’t told James the truth. We had spoken in the bathroom. I didn’t understand why she would keep it a secret, unless…unless she would get in trouble too.
That’s when I realized that Lisa probably wasn’t supposed to talk to me either. She had broken the rules as well. And she had done it to protect me.
I knew James was still angry with me for hurting myself, but it didn’t matter. Thinking about what Lisa had done made me feel…better…about everything. Even though I might still be punished for this morning, I wouldn’t change my mind about what I told James.
“Take off that hoodie. It’s covered in blood,” James ordered, his brown eyes looking exceptionally cold. “I’ll be back in a few minutes with your medicine.” He said before clicking off the light leaving the room in darkness as he shut the door.
My whole body tensed at his words. I tried to keep calm, telling myself he meant the good kind of medicine, the kind that made me sleep.
With that hope in mind, I took off my hoodie and climbed beneath the covers, extending my right arm outside of the blankets. That’s the one he usually injected the medicine into. I waited in anxious silence for James to come back. Every part of my body was underneath the fabric except for my arm. Even my face was covered.
I inhaled sharply when the door opened and then clicked shut. I heard footsteps rustling near the bed, and then someone touched my hand.
“Hey,” they said. “It’s me.”
It was Lisa. Panicking, I dug my face deeper into the blankets and yanked my arm back out of habit.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” she whispered. “I just wanted to talk.”
My heartbeat went wild as she sat down next to me on the bed.
“Are you okay?” she asked softly, sounding worried. “He didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”
She was talking about James. Yes, James had hurt me. But he had done it before, in worse ways than grabbing my arm. I wasn’t going to tell her that though. I wasn’t supposed to—and I wouldn’t have. I didn’t want anyone to know about those things.
“Okay, you don’t have to talk to me, I guess. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do.” She said, getting up.
“Wait,” I said, pushing the covers away from my face without thinking.
Lisa turned around to look at me. There was nothing but a soft, pale light filtering passed the blinds to illuminate her features. I could tell she was smiling a little. “Yay,” she whispered, clapping her hands softly, “It has finally learned to speak.”
I bit my lip nervously, unsure of what to say. I’d never spoken to anyone before—anyone but James and Marley. But Lisa wasn’t James or Marley. She was someone new, and I didn’t know how to talk to her.
“Hi,” she waved, raising her eyebrows. “I’m Lisa.”
“I-I know,” I said, my fingers gripping the blankets tighter as I spoke. “I’m R-Roy.”
“I know,” she chuckled softly.
The corners of my mouth lifted slightly.
She grinned.
I smiled.
“I like those…uh…shades,” she said, moving over to the window. My eyes followed her as she walked past the bed and took hold of one of the strings hanging from the top of the blinds. “The moon is really bright tonight.” She said, grabbing the long plastic stick and twisting it a few times. The slats turned and a soft, pale light poured into the room.
I sat up, my eyes widening. “I didn’t know it did that,” I whispered, in awe of what she’d just done.
Lisa raised an eyebrow, a funny look on her face. “You’ve never had window shades before?” she chuckled.
I swallowed, saying nothing.
Lisa cleared her throat and moved away from the window. “Anyway,” she said softly, lowering herself onto the end of the bed. “I came in here to make sure that you are okay after…well, after what just happened. And after this morning, when you…uh…hurt yourself…and…when you…um…” even in the dim light I could tell her face was turning red. When I realized what she was talking about, mine did too.
“You said disinfection,” I uttered softly, feeling the heat rise up my neck and face. “I thought that meant…”
“Strip?” Lisa snorted.
“I’m sorry,” I told her, sitting up. “I t-thought…I-I got c-confused,”
She pursed her lips to the side. “I think I’ll survive,” she mumbled. “It’s not like I haven’t seen,” she waved her hand at me, “that before.”
I swallowed.
“I accidentally walked into the boy’s locker room after gym once at school.” She said, snickering quietly. “One of the guys actually screamed.”
When I didn’t say anything, she started chewing her lip.
“So I guess you’re okay then…?” she tried again, blinking at me.
I nodded and tried to sit forward, to be closer to her. But the sharp pain in my chest held me back. I gasped, grimacing and trying not to move.
“What happened?” Lisa asked. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head, taking small breaths as the pain slowly faded. “Nothing,” I told her hesitantly. “I-I’m okay.”
She shook her head. “No you’re not. You need to go to a hospital.” She said.
“W-what’s that?” I asked unthinkingly.
Her eyes narrowed. “A hospital? You’re kidding me, right?” she scoffed, shaking her head. “You seriously don’t know what a hospital is? Did you grow up in somebody’s basement or something?”
I shook my head, feeling panicked and embarrassed at the same time. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…I’m not supposed to…to ask…questions…” I cleared my throat softly, sinking back down on the bed.
“What does that mean?” she asked, looking puzzled. “Who said you can’t ask questions?”
I shook my head, pulling the blanket back over my face. I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with. I should have just let her leave.
“Roy,” Lisa hissed. “Roy.”
Two hands grasped the blankets and pulled them away from me, exposing my chest. Too sore to try and grab them back, I curled in on myself, hugging my legs to my chest and burying my face in the pillow.
“Oh…” Lisa breathed. I felt her eyes moving over my bruised skin. “This actually looks worse in the dark.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, my eyes closed. “It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.” I couldn’t look at her, and I wasn’t supposed to say anything else, but I didn’t want her to worry about me.
“Roy, these can’t all be from the crash. I mean, I was there. I saw what happened. You hit your head, but…this is more than that.” Her voice was very soft, and filled with concern. “Did someone…did someone do this to you?”
That’s what I was afraid she would ask.
“You won’t be in trouble if you tell me,” she whispered. “I just want to help you.”
I shook my head. No. I couldn’t tell her anything.
“Listen, you can trust me.” her hand rested on my shoulder. It was warm, and should have been comforting. But I barely felt it as dread inched its way up my spine.
I couldn’t concentrate on Lisa right now. Instead, I was concentrating on the sound of James’ footsteps coming up the stairs. He was still too far away for her to hear, but I had been listening for him to come back. And now he was.
“Please go,” I whispered, peeking fearfully at the door.
Lisa drew back. “I’m sorry I was such a creep this morning, if that’s what this is about.”
“No, please,” I lifted my head, unable to take my eyes off the door. James would be coming in any minute. If he found Lisa in here with me, we’d both be punished. I didn’t want that. “Please go, before he comes back,” I begged desperately.
She frowned. “Before who comes back?”
“James,” I breathed. He’d already reached the stairs.
“Roy, your nose—you’re bleeding,” she said, rising from the bed.
“No, don’t go out there, he’ll see you!” I cried, reaching toward her even though I knew she was too far away to reach. The movement made me wince. “I-I don’t want you to be p-punished too,” I gasped.
Lisa’s eyes widened as she stared at me. Outside the room, the hallway floor creaked with James’ approach.
“Please go,” I said again, but even as the words left my mouth I knew it was pointless to say them. Where could Lisa go? James was right outside the door now. Lisa couldn’t leave. He would open the door and find her here with me, and then the both of us would be punished.
As the doorknob started to turn, Lisa bolted toward the closet and slid inside, pulling the closet door shut just as the bedroom door opened.
I avoided looking at the closet by keeping my eyes on James’ face as he entered the room. I couldn’t give Lisa away and I knew that if I looked at the spot where she was hiding, James would suspect something. I didn’t think I would be able to lie to him again, so I kept my eyes glued to his face, just like I was supposed to.
“You’re still awake.” James noted, closing the door behind him and shutting out the warm yellow light from the hallway. “Good. I was hoping you would be,” He said.
Holding his gaze, I extended my arm toward him and watched as he pulled out the syringe. It was a small one, I noticed as he removed the cap. I was relieved. From the look in his eyes earlier I’d thought he was bringing some of the other medicine; the kind in the larger needles.
“Lean back,” he ordered, taking my arm and pressing the needle under my skin. “This is something different from the other stuff. I don’t want you hitting your head when it starts to work.”
My eyes widened, panic rising in my chest. “I-I thought this was the medicine to help me sleep,” I said, fear gripping my voice as tightly as my throat.
“I’m not stupid, Roy.” James whispered. “I know that you broke the rules today. I know that you spoke to Lisa.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, terrified as I waited for whatever liquid was in that needle to take it’s affect. “Please James, I’m sorry,”
“Don’t worry, Roy. This medicine will make you sleep. It just has a little extra kick to it, that’s all. A little something to remind us both of who you really are.”
“No,” I mumbled, already feeling drowsy. My eyelids were beginning to droop as James leaned over me. “Please…no…”
“It won’t hurt this time.” He whispered. “Don’t fight it.”
As my eyes started to close, I sent one fleeting glance toward the closet doors. I couldn’t see Lisa, but I knew she could see me. She was watching this—all of this. Through the slot between the door and the frame, Lisa was seeing everything.
I didn’t know what this medicine was about to do, or even if I would recover from it. But I knew that there was someone in this room besides James, someone who had never hurt me. And I knew I wasn’t alone.
With that thought in mind, I lost consciousness.